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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Asking for a will

124 replies

PeacefulPottering · 08/02/2023 00:00

I have been with DP 25 years. We have two adult children. We are not married.
We are both fifties. We bought our first family home with his salary and a cash sum from my Dad as a deposit. £15k . I didn't go on the mortgage as I was on mat leave ( we rented)
I have asked him if he will make a will. He says he has but has fudged the details. When I pressed the issue he said he has left the house ( paid for) to our kids and his work pension is going to me. That's brilliant. I am absolutely fine with that as I've left my work pension to him as well. The thing is every time I try to say, we need a physical will ie one I can call upon if the worst happens he won't do it. Or isn't interested in doing it. Does anyone else have their partners/ husband's will available? Am I being stressed about things?
I just know if he dropped down dead tomorrow I would have no idea how to access money, unwrangle financial shit.

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 08/02/2023 00:57

A lot of women your age are finding themselves in the same position who didn’t get married. You should be more angry at him.

Topseyt123 · 08/02/2023 00:58

PeacefulPottering · 08/02/2023 00:45

I'm not on the title deeds. I don't have any say on the house. I knew that. That's gone now, what I was asking is , and I've got my answer, where is the document to say my kids will inherit?

Where's the document? Well if he keeps being so vague then he could well be bluffing and there isn't one. I hope I am wrong there.

You aren't on the deeds, weren't named on the mortgage although you often paid towards it and you have no written evidence of the money your Dad gave towards the deposit. Nor do you have the protection of marriage, so the house cannot be viewed legally as a marital asset.

That is a horrendously vulnerable position to have ended up in and you have sleepwalked into it. I hope you can see a solicitor and get as much as possible of this sorted out. Without obstacles thrown in the way by your partner. I suspect though that the latter will be a forlorn hope. Remember that it is currently HIS house. Not yours, despite the money you have put into it over the years.

FlowerArranger · 08/02/2023 01:01

You really, REALLY need to see a solicitor.

To try and establish a beneficial interest in the house.

Or, if this is not possible, to find out how a proper trust can be created, whereby you will be allowed to remain in the house after your children inherit. This trust also has to outline who will be responsible for maintenance and repair, e.g. if the house needed a new roof, a new boiler, etc.

But, as has been said, marriage or a civil partnership would solve your in one fell swoop.

FlowerArranger · 08/02/2023 01:01

Solve your problems...

Eyerollcentral · 08/02/2023 01:02

Has he got any other savings or assets OP? Do you? Or is everything tied up in the house. Are there any family members who would attest to your dad giving you the deposit? It not the best proof but it is something. If it comes to the crunch would he actually perjure himself to deny your dad paid the deposit?

Original poster
PeacefulPottering · 08/02/2023 01:03

I now realise I need to get advice and see a solicitor. I will talk to him tomorrow and ask again where is the concrete will. I suspect he has done things at work but he never tells me about it. If not I will make an appointment to see a solicitor.
Thank you all for your advice, you have woke me up to the fact I'm not financially okay and he is banking on that x

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 08/02/2023 01:05

PeacefulPottering · 08/02/2023 01:03

I now realise I need to get advice and see a solicitor. I will talk to him tomorrow and ask again where is the concrete will. I suspect he has done things at work but he never tells me about it. If not I will make an appointment to see a solicitor.
Thank you all for your advice, you have woke me up to the fact I'm not financially okay and he is banking on that x

OP make the appointment regardless and do it tomorrow. Do not put this off any longer. Anything could happen before you get this sorted out.

Sarahcoggles · 08/02/2023 01:09

I hate to pile on more misery OP, but I think you need to question a relationship in which your partner would happily see you become homeless.

Original poster
PeacefulPottering · 08/02/2023 01:12

I'm going to make the appointment first thing. Thank you all for opening my eyes. Your advice was much needed and I WILL make sure I have an equal say now. Thanks xx

OP posts:
Topseyt123 · 08/02/2023 01:14

Sarahcoggles · 08/02/2023 01:09

I hate to pile on more misery OP, but I think you need to question a relationship in which your partner would happily see you become homeless.

I agree. Especially if he doesn't play ball now and is obstructive, which I suspect he could be.

Sarahcoggles · 08/02/2023 01:14

If he shows you the will, and it does indeed leave the house to your children, are you going to leave it at that? Are you really happy to become homeless if he dies? Surely you know that nothing stays the same ? Families who used to get on well fall out. Siblings stop speaking to each other. People have financial crises. Spouses come along with their own agenda. A million things could happen, and you would have nothing but his pension, which wouldn't cover rent.

Sarahcoggles · 08/02/2023 01:15

Good luck OP

Original poster
PeacefulPottering · 08/02/2023 01:17

What I mean by that is I will contact a solicitor first thing and I won't be so ridiculously financially stupid from now on. I feel enormously stupid, but as someone up the thread said that's what happens when you trust a man but don't get married. I always wondered why he didn't want to get married after two kids and 25 years?!

OP posts:
Original poster
PeacefulPottering · 08/02/2023 01:19

Sarahcoggles · 08/02/2023 01:15

Good luck OP

Thank you all for replying x

OP posts:
samqueens · 08/02/2023 01:31

Tactically I would see the solicitor before you talk to him again - he will try and verbally beat you down and confuse you again. If he catches wind of the trip to the solicitor it could make you more vulnerable initially.

get advice, decide what you want and then raise it again if I were you.

good luck xx

FlowerArranger · 08/02/2023 01:57

Also, remember that wills and beneficiaries can be changed.

From the way you've described him, I wouldn't put it past him.

So, he might show you a will and pension documents, but on his death you may find that he has made a new will and deleted your name as his pension beneficiary.

As others have pointed out, you may trust your children, but could you ever trust their spouses. Or your children might get divorced, and their share in the house would form part of their marital assets. It simply would not be safe for you to rely on this - you need a legally binding trust to protect your interests.

Or get married...

America12 · 08/02/2023 02:48

PeacefulPottering · 08/02/2023 00:22

The house is paid for no mortgage. My children are 26 and 20. My post was about I don't have anything concrete. I have asked and he just says this is what I have done. Give the house to the kids and you are my pension beneficiary. My problem is I don't know what to do as nothing is written as far as I know.

Are you on the deeds ?

JamMakingWannaBe · 08/02/2023 02:48

Have a conversation about retirement planning. Maybe use that angle to help him open up, or use a current news story to start a conversation about your own wishes.

Ask him which Solicitor he used to write his Will - as you want to use the same one.
Ask him who he asked to be his executors.
Ask him if the kids know where his Will is kept.

Do you have a joint bank account? If not, you need one NOW as any money in his own name belongs to HIM and you won't be able to access it in the event of his death.

Have a conversation about Power of Attorney for each other.

Ask him if he has any special funeral requests - songs, readings, cremation v burial.
If you have any heirlooms, ask which of your kids he wants them to go to.

Noone likes talking about death, but having this kind of information written down, and kept with a Will, is really helpful for those left behind.

Does he/your kids know where your Will is?

JamMakingWannaBe · 08/02/2023 04:32

Just to add to my post above, your Council Tax, gas and elec, home insurance, Netflix etc should all be in JOINT names.

If he does drop dead tomorrow, the utility companies won't speak to you. Your DC are his next of kin and they will be the ones having to sort all this out - especially if bills are in his name and being paid from his bank account.

You are really just a lodger in his home otherwise.

daisychain01 · 08/02/2023 04:52

PeacefulPottering · 08/02/2023 00:12

My children would be fine with me living in the house. I would be ok in that respect.

OP please please stop being so naive! You cannot rely on the goodwill of your children to house you, you have no, repeat no, legal protection against them turfing you out.

your 'D' P sounds shifty - not willing to give you evidence of what you'd get in the event of his demise and you outliving him. You've been together for 25 years and he thinks that little of you that he won't leave the house to you. That's shocking,

For all you know he's lying through his teeth about the pension - or he could have changed it at any point in time and you'll never know until it's too late.

aloris · 08/02/2023 06:08

PeacefulPottering · 08/02/2023 00:22

The house is paid for no mortgage. My children are 26 and 20. My post was about I don't have anything concrete. I have asked and he just says this is what I have done. Give the house to the kids and you are my pension beneficiary. My problem is I don't know what to do as nothing is written as far as I know.

So where are you supposed to live if you outlive him? You do realise that if he outlives you, he'll be fine, as the house is in his name? You have a very unequal situation here where his interests are protected and yours are not. What if the kids get married and one of their wives dislikes you and wants them to sell your home and take their share of its value? You are very vulnerable if you do not inherit the house.

PortiasBiscuit · 08/02/2023 06:13

Marriage is an institution that protects women. I do not understand why any woman would have children with a man who will not marry her.

BrookeDavisQueen · 08/02/2023 06:13

PeacefulPottering · 08/02/2023 00:22

The house is paid for no mortgage. My children are 26 and 20. My post was about I don't have anything concrete. I have asked and he just says this is what I have done. Give the house to the kids and you are my pension beneficiary. My problem is I don't know what to do as nothing is written as far as I know.

Does he even have a Will? Or is he saying they'll inherit due to being next of kin?

Zanatdy · 08/02/2023 06:15

Glad you’ve realised OP this isn’t an ok situation. 25yrs he has never put you on the mortgage/deeds. That’s very financially abusive in my eyes. You need to protect yourself and I hope he’s shocked that you’ve woken up and smelt the coffee as this is NOT ok. Good luck

BigSwingingJeremyClarkson · 08/02/2023 06:17

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