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Original poster

Expecting too much from partner?

87 replies

Cuppa123 · 07/02/2023 22:33

I am a single mum (48, widowed) with a partner of 5 years and we have separate houses living about 90minutes away from each other. I have 4 teenage kids and had a good job, always provided for my own kids, paid my way and split the restaurant bills and holidays for me and him over the years 50/50. I got made redundant a few years ago and have since been working 3 jobs to make ends meet, pay the mortgage and bills etc. Obviously now things have got much worse with rising costs, mortgages etc. He has his own house, no mortgage and one adult daughter living with him. Earns much more than I do and very little outgoings. We see each other mainly weekends when he comes to my house and I cook us meals on Saturday nights and make Sunday lunch, food which I have always paid for. Over xmas, money became desperately tight for me, obviously xmas is expensive anyway, but my heating broke amd I had to pay out a lot to get it fixed. We had previously booked a long weekend (a drive away, not out of the country, self catering and basic to keep costs down) at the end of Feb. We were putting money aside for it. A mini break which I was really looking forward to as I am exhausted from work, kids and financial stress. January and now February have left me broke to the point of barely affording the basics. Knowing my financial predicament my partner suggested we cancel the break to ease my financial problems. So I had to cancel the break as no way could I afford to pay my half and needed my money I had tried to save. I was really upset and down about this for a while. A few days ago a small local club I am a member of (which he has just joined at my invitation) decided to have a club meal out next weekend (valentines weekend). Nothing fancy, just a local restaurant and pub after. Obviously I cannot afford to pay my way, so I cannot go even though I would have loved to have gone. We rarely go out for meals. When he knew about the meal he said I suppose we can't go, obviously referring to my financial situation of which he knows everything. I said I can't go and his response was ok. I have felt really down that my lack of money has taken choices away from me. I know I am not the only one. But I see friends and families able to go out and go on breaks and it makes me feel rubbish. Am I wrong for thinking it would have been nice if he offered to take me to the meal given the disappointment of the cancelled break and the crap money situation I find myself in? I know some may think I am being petty over a meal, but this has really upset me. At this point he knows I am upset and tonight texted me to ask 'will I take you out for a meal Saturday night?' By now I am just too fed up and told him to forget it. To me it seems like an afterthought or an obligation.

OP posts:
Buymyselfflowers · 07/02/2023 22:37

If you have been together for five years and he earns a lot less than you, then yes, he could easily take you out for a meal and it should be his pleasure.

He's not intending to go to the club meal without you is he?

Buymyselfflowers · 07/02/2023 22:37

Sorry, he earns a lot more than you.

Original poster
Cuppa123 · 07/02/2023 22:39

No he wouldn't go on his own.

OP posts:
Neverhand · 07/02/2023 22:42

To be honest, for me, he should have offered to pay for the break too. I wouldn't expect this after a few months (and not living together), but 5 years in? I am in a similar position, 5 years but living apart; I would have expected him to pay (as I would do the other way around). Sounds more like a friendship and not a true partnership. Do you envisage it remaining like this or have you future plans?

RedHead33 · 07/02/2023 22:45

So sorry OP but he sounds tight AF! I'm not a grabby person in a relationship and quite low maintenance but I'm still thinking couldn't he of paid for the trip? Considering his financial situation. Even as a one of treat. When you love someone you want to ease their burden and make them smile! He needs a good kick up the arse. It's actually pissed me off and I don't even know you. You've been together for 5 years fgs and you're struggling, can't he help out a bit?

Original poster
Cuppa123 · 07/02/2023 22:46

This sort of situation where he doesn't bother helping out much keeps cropping up and om occasion he has said he needs to do more. But it never happens.

OP posts:
Justcallmebebes · 07/02/2023 22:48

He doesn't sound like any sort of partner. You're going through a really hard time and he's being really unsupportive. I too would be very upset

pinkdelight · 07/02/2023 22:48

I dunno, you say you've always paid half and you've not said you still want to do these things if he'll pay for you. Unless I've missed it, you've left it to him to assume that "I can't" means "offer to pay for me" whereas he could very well assume it means "I can't because I always want to pay my share as I always have and wouldn't want it any different." No point being pissed off at him for not raising it when you haven't. Your set-up sounds very separate and independent so it's not a given that he'd suddenly switch to a more shared outlook unless it's discussed.

RedHead33 · 07/02/2023 22:56

@pinkdelight you're not defending him are you? 😩 come on! He sounds like a right dickhead. Never helping out, that's on him!

pinkdelight · 07/02/2023 22:59

I'm responding to what I read. No interest in defending or attacking anyone. If it was that cut n dried, OP wouldn't be asking.

Original poster
Cuppa123 · 07/02/2023 23:06

pinkdelight · 07/02/2023 22:48

I dunno, you say you've always paid half and you've not said you still want to do these things if he'll pay for you. Unless I've missed it, you've left it to him to assume that "I can't" means "offer to pay for me" whereas he could very well assume it means "I can't because I always want to pay my share as I always have and wouldn't want it any different." No point being pissed off at him for not raising it when you haven't. Your set-up sounds very separate and independent so it's not a given that he'd suddenly switch to a more shared outlook unless it's discussed.

I know what you are saying and I have never asked anything from him, but when you see your partner going through such a hard time and visibly upset and depressed about their situation, at what stage does the penny drop that you need to step in ... without being asked? It is very hard for me to ask for help and he knows this.

OP posts:
supercali77 · 07/02/2023 23:23

This is crap OP. I've had similar issues as you financially since Xmas, self employed since I was made redundant during covid and work dried up in nov/dec plus Xmas and car MOT. We had planned to go away in Feb but obvs im skint so I called it off. DP paid instead and insisted. I always insist on paying half but on this occasion he could see I was stressed out of my mind and a weekend away would help. So he did. I'd do exactly the same in his position and he knows it. Im not sure how you'd raise it though....its a tricky one. Bevause it's not about the evening out per se but the attitude around taking care of the person you're with after so long together....

Tinkerbyebye · 07/02/2023 23:24

I think he now has to understand your situation by you asking him to contribute to the food etc at your house each weekend.

JassyRadlett · 07/02/2023 23:40

He's not really a partner, is he, if it's five years in and isn't offering this sort of very minor help and support. He's someone who visits at weekends to be cooked for and possibly get a shag.

He's obviously tight and ungenerous. Those are very unattractive qualities.

Hoplesscynic · 07/02/2023 23:45

Sounds like you've had a hard time for awhile, he is fully aware of your struggles and yet?
Never occurred to him to do something nice and take just a bit of pressure off you, not even cheer you up by taking you out for a meal or a cheap weekend away... These are small things and he CAN'T do them.
My guess is that in his mind he cares about you loads, maybe even "loves" you, but he comes first and he is just very tight with "his" money.

FlowerArranger · 07/02/2023 23:54

We see each other mainly weekends when he comes to my house and I cook us meals on Saturday nights and make Sunday lunch, food which I have always paid for

So he stays at yours most weekends, eats your food and uses your facilities, and doesn't contribute a bean?

And he earns significantly more than you.

Plus he knows that you are struggling.

No no no - surely you must know that this isn't right

Ghostbuster2639 · 08/02/2023 01:35

Knock the coking meals off immediately. Tell him you can’t afford it.

Eyerollcentral · 08/02/2023 01:46

I would end it. You think you have a partner, he thinks he has a casual girlfriend. You aren’t on the same page and he is tight. End it.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 08/02/2023 01:56

Wow, he sounds awful! I'd pay for a friend in that situation, I'd especially pay for a partner. He is as tight as fuck!

And never contributing to the meals you cook at home? Rick that for a game of soldiers. He's not a good one, toss this fish back into the sea.

MichelleScarn · 08/02/2023 01:59

Why does he always come to you? Is it childcare? Can you not go yo him next and he can pay to host?

altmember · 08/02/2023 02:04

Unless you've led him to believe that you're staunchly independent and you always insist on going halves on everything, then it's a bit crap that he wouldn't have even considered taking you out for a valentines meal. He might earn more than you, but unless you share every detail of you separate finances, it's unfair to assume he isn't struggling too.

However, it sounds like he comes to your house nearly every weekend and you wait on him hand and foot? He should be helping out more, at very least contributing food and cooking half the meals.

Alaldlccmemsjzja · 08/02/2023 02:41

He sounds like a tight arse
imagine a future with him - 50/50 on every bill and hardly anything extra
tbh I’d probably dump him just for the lack of any kind of thought about treating you
esp considering he comes to your house on a weekend to be fed and warm at your expense

America12 · 08/02/2023 02:44

Yes he should have offered to pay for the meal , and as PP says , the weekend as well.
Sounds tough ☹️

Reugny · 08/02/2023 03:09

Dump - he's tight and mean.

You cook nearly every weekend but he can't take you out for a Valentine's meal or a weekend away?

Rainbowqueeen · 08/02/2023 03:12

You’re contributing more than him already if you provide the food and place to stay on weekends - unless he is bringing wine etc.

Id be upset too and I would consider ending the relationship. You might find your finances improve if you do

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