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Original poster

Expecting too much from partner?

87 replies

Cuppa123 · 07/02/2023 22:33

I am a single mum (48, widowed) with a partner of 5 years and we have separate houses living about 90minutes away from each other. I have 4 teenage kids and had a good job, always provided for my own kids, paid my way and split the restaurant bills and holidays for me and him over the years 50/50. I got made redundant a few years ago and have since been working 3 jobs to make ends meet, pay the mortgage and bills etc. Obviously now things have got much worse with rising costs, mortgages etc. He has his own house, no mortgage and one adult daughter living with him. Earns much more than I do and very little outgoings. We see each other mainly weekends when he comes to my house and I cook us meals on Saturday nights and make Sunday lunch, food which I have always paid for. Over xmas, money became desperately tight for me, obviously xmas is expensive anyway, but my heating broke amd I had to pay out a lot to get it fixed. We had previously booked a long weekend (a drive away, not out of the country, self catering and basic to keep costs down) at the end of Feb. We were putting money aside for it. A mini break which I was really looking forward to as I am exhausted from work, kids and financial stress. January and now February have left me broke to the point of barely affording the basics. Knowing my financial predicament my partner suggested we cancel the break to ease my financial problems. So I had to cancel the break as no way could I afford to pay my half and needed my money I had tried to save. I was really upset and down about this for a while. A few days ago a small local club I am a member of (which he has just joined at my invitation) decided to have a club meal out next weekend (valentines weekend). Nothing fancy, just a local restaurant and pub after. Obviously I cannot afford to pay my way, so I cannot go even though I would have loved to have gone. We rarely go out for meals. When he knew about the meal he said I suppose we can't go, obviously referring to my financial situation of which he knows everything. I said I can't go and his response was ok. I have felt really down that my lack of money has taken choices away from me. I know I am not the only one. But I see friends and families able to go out and go on breaks and it makes me feel rubbish. Am I wrong for thinking it would have been nice if he offered to take me to the meal given the disappointment of the cancelled break and the crap money situation I find myself in? I know some may think I am being petty over a meal, but this has really upset me. At this point he knows I am upset and tonight texted me to ask 'will I take you out for a meal Saturday night?' By now I am just too fed up and told him to forget it. To me it seems like an afterthought or an obligation.

OP posts:
Monty27 · 08/02/2023 03:56

Oh I wouldn't make someone like that a cup of tea. Nor would I let them use any facilities in my home let alone cook for them.
He needs to go.

daisychain01 · 08/02/2023 04:43

He's a user, no hesitation in coming over to yours and sponging off you, but when it comes to any reciprocation he does a disappearing act.

he doesn't seem to add anything positive to your life, quite frankly I'd dump and run.

Zanatdy · 08/02/2023 05:25

He could have offered to pay for the break too. My ex was tight, but he always paid for holidays and meals. Always. I earned a decent wage but he didn’t expect me to pay half. I mean he was tight in other ways, never paid me any regular maintenance but he would have never have made me pay half for a valentines meal out. My boyfriend also wouldn’t dare suggest I pay half for valentines and we earn exactly the same. He has more disposable income than me - but even if he didn’t, most men will pay for a valentines meal, even my 18yr old son will be and he and his gf are both students

deeperthanallroses · 08/02/2023 05:27

So he’s happy to eat your food ALL WEEKEND EVERY WEEKEND but won’t even treat you to a Valentine’s Day meal? The free trip ends here surely?? Please please when he comes around next weekend don’t plate him up a meal, tell him there isn’t enough and you’re done giving support you never get back. One meal out would have kept me happy but you are too stingy even for that you stingy fucker. (You will have to word your kids up so they know what’s going on)

Ragwort · 08/02/2023 05:32

This is exactly the situation where you don't call a free loading boyfriend a 'partner'.

He is not a partner ... you don't live together, he clearly doesn't care enough enough for you to treat you to a weekend away or even a meal but expects Saturday night dinner (sex?) and Sunday lunch every week when he clearly knows you are struggling financially...what exactly are his good points?

I would be ashamed to even go round to a friend's house for a meal if I knew she was working three jobs. Shock.

Sally2791 · 08/02/2023 05:33

He’s mean and unsupportive. After five years he should be helping you if you are in need. He’s not changed after a conversation so not much future there.

Duckingella · 08/02/2023 09:58

I can perhaps understand if he doesn't want to cover the cost of the weekend away but come on;a singular pub meal?;you provide the food every weekend he comes to you and you cook said food and most likely clean up afterwards and he can't spring an extra £20 for a main course and 2 soft drinks for you?

frozendaisy · 08/02/2023 10:19

Just put your foot down and say you can't afford to feed him all weekends until you are back on level pegging financially and will let him know when.

Then he will have to fend for himself for a few weekends. It's not just the money is it, it's the time. He doesn't have to think about groceries for weekend, or cook or clean or effectively host all the time, make sure there are clean towels and toilet paper.

So just say you will let him know what you have caught up.

Dacadactyl · 08/02/2023 10:40

What a tight arse. God, its unattractive. I'd have it out with him personally and tell him that I think he's a real tightwad that he couldn't take you away for the weekend or go for a meal. See what he says to that.

Ragwort · 08/02/2023 11:07

What's his contribution to the weekends? Does he bring wine, flowers or chocolates? Or does he use the excuse 'I am paying for the petrol to visit to you'.
He sounds so mean.
If you must see him this weekend serve him value beans on toast.

Original poster
Cuppa123 · 08/02/2023 11:27

Ragwort · 08/02/2023 11:07

What's his contribution to the weekends? Does he bring wine, flowers or chocolates? Or does he use the excuse 'I am paying for the petrol to visit to you'.
He sounds so mean.
If you must see him this weekend serve him value beans on toast.

He brings wine. He has never bought me flowers.

OP posts:
Bubbylana · 08/02/2023 11:29

I agree he should have offered to pay for the break and the evening out. He is mean and I would stop the weekends and I would also tell him that you were hurt after 5 years that he wouldnt put his hand in his pocket and say you dont know where you go from here. Really you haven't got much to lose by the sounds of it.

Eyerollcentral · 08/02/2023 11:31

Cuppa123 · 08/02/2023 11:27

He brings wine. He has never bought me flowers.

Show quote history

Wine he also drinks? Dump him. Tight prick.

Abc12389 · 08/02/2023 11:39

Stop paying for his Sunday and Saturday lunch. He’s Scroogey Mcscroogeyson.

Isheabastard · 08/02/2023 12:20

He is either one of two things. Oblivious and the penny hasn’t dropped or he doesn’t want to spend any money on you.

I think you need to nail this for once and for all. So you need to overcome your reluctance to ask if he would treat you. He may pleasantly surprise you. Or not.

Try to see it the same way others have said. Partners should try to make the other person happy and help out where they can. If he does have plenty of spare money then you are not asking for anything it would cripple him to give.

Im sure with 4 kids you are time poor, each meal you cook is taking up your time.

mewkins · 08/02/2023 12:39

Tinkerbyebye · 07/02/2023 23:24

I think he now has to understand your situation by you asking him to contribute to the food etc at your house each weekend.

I think this too. I mean, if he did this then you could probably afford the odd meal out.

Naunet · 08/02/2023 12:59

He’s a right tight bastard. I’d stop providing him with free meals. Point out to him it costs you time and money to provide him with dinner and it’s a favour he never returns despite having more money than you. Does he ever bring wine or anything else?

Naunet · 08/02/2023 13:03

Naunet · 08/02/2023 12:59

He’s a right tight bastard. I’d stop providing him with free meals. Point out to him it costs you time and money to provide him with dinner and it’s a favour he never returns despite having more money than you. Does he ever bring wine or anything else?

Sorry, just seen he does bring wine. It’s still not good enough though, he takes and isn’t giving back.

Deathbyfluffy · 08/02/2023 13:09

I do admire the posters with the brass neck to recommend the OP leaves the man earning more, when only last week there was a thread where a female poster was considering dating a man who earned considerably less than her and the answers were very much 'nah, you can do better'.
MN at its finest!

Yes, he should do the occasional nice thing for the OP and should certainly be buying food - but it's wrong to expect him to front bills for both of them when if the shoe was on the other foot it'd be 'financial abuse' if the man was taking money from the woman.

emptythelitterbox · 08/02/2023 13:10

He's not a partner at all.

Just a user.

Naunet · 08/02/2023 13:18

Deathbyfluffy · 08/02/2023 13:09

I do admire the posters with the brass neck to recommend the OP leaves the man earning more, when only last week there was a thread where a female poster was considering dating a man who earned considerably less than her and the answers were very much 'nah, you can do better'.
MN at its finest!

Yes, he should do the occasional nice thing for the OP and should certainly be buying food - but it's wrong to expect him to front bills for both of them when if the shoe was on the other foot it'd be 'financial abuse' if the man was taking money from the woman.

Oh thank you sooooo much for your Poor Menz/‘if this was the other way around’/‘last week there was another post that is pretty different to this one once you look at the details, but the completely different women replying to that thread, said something opposite to what other women are saying on this thread so that means you all have double standards’ post. It was so desperately needed. 🙄

emptythelitterbox · 08/02/2023 13:20

Deathbyfluffy · 08/02/2023 13:09

I do admire the posters with the brass neck to recommend the OP leaves the man earning more, when only last week there was a thread where a female poster was considering dating a man who earned considerably less than her and the answers were very much 'nah, you can do better'.
MN at its finest!

Yes, he should do the occasional nice thing for the OP and should certainly be buying food - but it's wrong to expect him to front bills for both of them when if the shoe was on the other foot it'd be 'financial abuse' if the man was taking money from the woman.

ODFOD

CleaningOutMyCloset · 08/02/2023 13:48

I'd starting asking him to contribute towards his meals on the weekend. I'm not saying he should substitute your income, but it would be a lovely gesture if he offered to pay for the meal out, as you feed him most weekend a

Lkydfju · 08/02/2023 13:52

In a real partnership you help each other in my view; I’d be disappointed in his attitude. I hope you’re asking him to contribute to food at yours and not fundimg him now

Divebar2021 · 08/02/2023 14:04

Has he ever spontaneously arranged anything nice for you that you did not pay half for? Has he ever turned up with nice food and said “ I’ll cook tonight “? Or “ let’s get a take away… my treat”?

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