Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Expecting too much from partner?

87 replies

Cuppa123 · 07/02/2023 22:33

I am a single mum (48, widowed) with a partner of 5 years and we have separate houses living about 90minutes away from each other. I have 4 teenage kids and had a good job, always provided for my own kids, paid my way and split the restaurant bills and holidays for me and him over the years 50/50. I got made redundant a few years ago and have since been working 3 jobs to make ends meet, pay the mortgage and bills etc. Obviously now things have got much worse with rising costs, mortgages etc. He has his own house, no mortgage and one adult daughter living with him. Earns much more than I do and very little outgoings. We see each other mainly weekends when he comes to my house and I cook us meals on Saturday nights and make Sunday lunch, food which I have always paid for. Over xmas, money became desperately tight for me, obviously xmas is expensive anyway, but my heating broke amd I had to pay out a lot to get it fixed. We had previously booked a long weekend (a drive away, not out of the country, self catering and basic to keep costs down) at the end of Feb. We were putting money aside for it. A mini break which I was really looking forward to as I am exhausted from work, kids and financial stress. January and now February have left me broke to the point of barely affording the basics. Knowing my financial predicament my partner suggested we cancel the break to ease my financial problems. So I had to cancel the break as no way could I afford to pay my half and needed my money I had tried to save. I was really upset and down about this for a while. A few days ago a small local club I am a member of (which he has just joined at my invitation) decided to have a club meal out next weekend (valentines weekend). Nothing fancy, just a local restaurant and pub after. Obviously I cannot afford to pay my way, so I cannot go even though I would have loved to have gone. We rarely go out for meals. When he knew about the meal he said I suppose we can't go, obviously referring to my financial situation of which he knows everything. I said I can't go and his response was ok. I have felt really down that my lack of money has taken choices away from me. I know I am not the only one. But I see friends and families able to go out and go on breaks and it makes me feel rubbish. Am I wrong for thinking it would have been nice if he offered to take me to the meal given the disappointment of the cancelled break and the crap money situation I find myself in? I know some may think I am being petty over a meal, but this has really upset me. At this point he knows I am upset and tonight texted me to ask 'will I take you out for a meal Saturday night?' By now I am just too fed up and told him to forget it. To me it seems like an afterthought or an obligation.

OP posts:
Lollypop701 · 08/02/2023 14:17

He’s mean. You are paying for all of your food at weekends, he’s not going halves and he knows your financial situation. Massive red flag

Original poster
Cuppa123 · 08/02/2023 14:19

Divebar2021 · 08/02/2023 14:04

Has he ever spontaneously arranged anything nice for you that you did not pay half for? Has he ever turned up with nice food and said “ I’ll cook tonight “? Or “ let’s get a take away… my treat”?

He has cooked a few times at my house and the rare occasion I can go to his, he cooks. But never spontaneously arranged anything. He has paid for a few meals, but I always buy drinks. I am not expecting weekly meals or gifts, never have expected anything. Just a gesture sometimes when things are very bad to show that he actually cares. Even the cheapest bunch of flowers could lift you when things are crap. But there has never been a bunch of flowers or box of chocolates given. If I go to his house, it's never empty handed. Might be small, but it's something.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 08/02/2023 14:29

Deathbyfluffy · 08/02/2023 13:09

I do admire the posters with the brass neck to recommend the OP leaves the man earning more, when only last week there was a thread where a female poster was considering dating a man who earned considerably less than her and the answers were very much 'nah, you can do better'.
MN at its finest!

Yes, he should do the occasional nice thing for the OP and should certainly be buying food - but it's wrong to expect him to front bills for both of them when if the shoe was on the other foot it'd be 'financial abuse' if the man was taking money from the woman.

Depends on your expectations and what you want, doesn't it though?

I like a man who earns more than me and who wants to look after me; who supported me when I wanted to be a SAHM and who sees the value in my contribution; a man who shares his money and looks after his family. In my view (however unpopular an opinion it might be these days) that is the very job of the man. That is how my dad was and it is how my FIL was, so this sort of set-up was our template.

I do the majority of the housework (although now I am PT, he does his bit there too) and I look after him and the family in other ways.

If my husband was a tight arse like this bloke, he'd never have seen a 2nd date.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 08/02/2023 14:48

I'd message him "Sorry can't afford to keep feeding you at weekends. If you want to bring all the necessary food with you then you are welcome. Let me know if you are still coming".

His response will determine whether or not you finish things with him.

Sorry Op. Tightness/freeloading is not attractive.

Eyerollcentral · 08/02/2023 15:04

Cuppa123 · 08/02/2023 14:19

He has cooked a few times at my house and the rare occasion I can go to his, he cooks. But never spontaneously arranged anything. He has paid for a few meals, but I always buy drinks. I am not expecting weekly meals or gifts, never have expected anything. Just a gesture sometimes when things are very bad to show that he actually cares. Even the cheapest bunch of flowers could lift you when things are crap. But there has never been a bunch of flowers or box of chocolates given. If I go to his house, it's never empty handed. Might be small, but it's something.

Show quote history

It’s very miserly behaviour on his behalf. I’d be so disappointed. Little tokens or treats that come out of the blue are the loveliest thing and yes a partner should provide them where they can. After five years to getting next to nothing from him I would call it a day. You need support and to feel cherished. I can’t believe he has watched you working three jobs and struggling as a widowed woman with children and hasn’t even the kindness to say listen we’re going on the weekend, I’ll cover you. I can’t imagine any partner I have ever had behaving like that. I don’t think he’ll change.

Addicted2Kale · 08/02/2023 15:34

Very interesting post. He doesn't feel you're worth investing in. You don't have his kids and nothing to really hold him account for. You're holding on a man who is a partner in name only. He is comfortable watching you struggle because he holds all the cards. You give him attention and validation. No doubt intimacy also. So, you will get no more out of this time thief.

You need to make him feel he can and will lose you, if you feel he is underperforming. You need to get another man interested. Or leave your useless bf. Or continue settling for the scraps this man is. The choice is yours.

EnterChasedByAMemory · 08/02/2023 15:49

Cuppa123 · 08/02/2023 14:19

He has cooked a few times at my house and the rare occasion I can go to his, he cooks. But never spontaneously arranged anything. He has paid for a few meals, but I always buy drinks. I am not expecting weekly meals or gifts, never have expected anything. Just a gesture sometimes when things are very bad to show that he actually cares. Even the cheapest bunch of flowers could lift you when things are crap. But there has never been a bunch of flowers or box of chocolates given. If I go to his house, it's never empty handed. Might be small, but it's something.

Show quote history

It seems as though he’s a bit too frugal with his money. Let’s face it, you’re most of the meals on Saturday nights and you make Sunday lunch, food which you have always paid for.

What’s he doing? You’ve been together for a long while. Do you really see yourself going the distance?

It seems like he gets to have his cake and eat it too. What are you getting out of all this? It doesn’t sound like a supportive relationship and I don’t just mean in the financial sense.

EnterChasedByAMemory · 08/02/2023 15:50

EnterChasedByAMemory · 08/02/2023 15:49

It seems as though he’s a bit too frugal with his money. Let’s face it, you’re most of the meals on Saturday nights and you make Sunday lunch, food which you have always paid for.

What’s he doing? You’ve been together for a long while. Do you really see yourself going the distance?

It seems like he gets to have his cake and eat it too. What are you getting out of all this? It doesn’t sound like a supportive relationship and I don’t just mean in the financial sense.

Show quote history

you’re cooking*

larchforest · 08/02/2023 15:56

Cuppa123 · 08/02/2023 11:27

He brings wine. He has never bought me flowers.

Show quote history

And does he help you drink the wine?

Original poster
Cuppa123 · 08/02/2023 15:59

Addicted2Kale · 08/02/2023 15:34

Very interesting post. He doesn't feel you're worth investing in. You don't have his kids and nothing to really hold him account for. You're holding on a man who is a partner in name only. He is comfortable watching you struggle because he holds all the cards. You give him attention and validation. No doubt intimacy also. So, you will get no more out of this time thief.

You need to make him feel he can and will lose you, if you feel he is underperforming. You need to get another man interested. Or leave your useless bf. Or continue settling for the scraps this man is. The choice is yours.

I have told him today we are taking a break from the relationship. This issue has come up quite a few times before and he says he just doesn't think. This has just been the final straw. So he now has 3 weeks to learn how to think or it is over.

OP posts:
80s · 08/02/2023 16:08

he could very well assume it means "I can't because I always want to pay my share as I always have and wouldn't want it any different."
My dp and I don't live together either, been together years. He earns a bit more than me, but I can pay my way. He knows that I want to pay my way, and don't want to feel obliged to him. But he also knows I earn less - so when we spend a bit more on something, he often offers to pay more. If I say I don't want to feel obliged, he says that I shouldn't feel obliged, and that it would be mean of him not to offer, when he can afford it. If he knew I was actually struggling, and I still said I wanted to pay, he'd tell me not to be so proud, and that it was OK for me to accept a gift. He's generous and thoughtful, and doesn't need the obvious explained to him.

OP, it seems like your dp is either not generous, not thoughtful or does need the obvious explaining to him? Which of these things, if any, is forgivable, which is likely?

DontStopMeNow7 · 08/02/2023 16:11

Why the hell are you with this man? You’ve been working 3 jobs, have 4 teenagers and you’re cooking for someone that has never offered to pay for you?? He earns more than you, doesn’t have a mortgage and is supposed to be your partner. How can you bear to even sleep with someone that tight, selfish and uncaring?

It’s ridiculous.

FlowerArranger · 08/02/2023 16:12

He just doesn't think, does he?

It didn't occur to him that he was being mean when he canceled the weekend and the Valentine's dinner? Those were active decisions he made, not sins of omission!

He didn't think when he came to yours for a booty call and to fill his belly most weekends?

How old is he - twelve?

This man is a cocklodger without the lodging, not a partner. By eating your food all these years, he has literally taken funds from you and your children.

What decent man would do this to a single mum with FOUR children!

MsMarch · 08/02/2023 16:19

He sounds very tight. I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt on the basis that you sound like the kind of person DH is - quite "proud" and would be very uncomfortable if anyone felt for 1 second that you weren't paying your way. So I thought maybe, just maybe he didn't want to make you uncomfortable. But I wasn't hugely optimist.

And then you said that this has come up before. OP, I'm sorry, you need to end this relationship becuase this man is like a cocklodger light. Not ONLY does he not treat you when you are struggling, but from what you're saying, he has in fact actually been ensuring that you pay MORE throughout your entire relationship by spending time at your house and eating your food without contributing in any way.

What a wanker.

Eyerollcentral · 08/02/2023 16:25

Cuppa123 · 08/02/2023 15:59

I have told him today we are taking a break from the relationship. This issue has come up quite a few times before and he says he just doesn't think. This has just been the final straw. So he now has 3 weeks to learn how to think or it is over.

Show quote history

Good for you! Really proud of you for doing that!

user1188 · 08/02/2023 16:32

My mum has a partner like this. Lovely guy but so tight with is money and is more than financially stable. My mum pays for more things when they do things together than he does.

Sometimes when they go out he will offer to buy her a coffee but will get mum a regular and get himself a large with all the trimmings with a cake to add to it.

Despite this I do like him but have told my mum repeatedly that they should never live together or join finances in any way.

I don't see your situation as much of a partnership op. If you're struggling then he should be at least offering to help. I bet if he needed help with something - not financial - you would be there.

The least he could do is take you out for a meal when he knows you're having a crappy time.

What's he like with gifts? Birthdays, Xmas etc?

Frogscottle · 08/02/2023 16:36

I earn easily half what my partner does, and he has significant savings, and I would pay for him in a heartbeat if he was struggling! The trip shouldn't have needed to be cancelled. He's selfish and tight. I’d call time on a relationship like this.

Eyerollcentral · 08/02/2023 16:55

user1188 · 08/02/2023 16:32

My mum has a partner like this. Lovely guy but so tight with is money and is more than financially stable. My mum pays for more things when they do things together than he does.

Sometimes when they go out he will offer to buy her a coffee but will get mum a regular and get himself a large with all the trimmings with a cake to add to it.

Despite this I do like him but have told my mum repeatedly that they should never live together or join finances in any way.

I don't see your situation as much of a partnership op. If you're struggling then he should be at least offering to help. I bet if he needed help with something - not financial - you would be there.

The least he could do is take you out for a meal when he knows you're having a crappy time.

What's he like with gifts? Birthdays, Xmas etc?

I would hate to see my mother with someone like that and sorry I couldn’t like or respect him. Has no one ever challenged him on being so tight? So disrespectful to your poor mum.

Bansheed · 08/02/2023 17:00

What a wanker. Get rid. Seriously, get rid . He's not even an average friend to you, never mind a boyfriend.

Tabitha1960 · 08/02/2023 17:06

He's not a mindreader.

Men are always complaining that we don't tell them things straight.

Tell him what you expect of him and let him go away and think about it.

If he won't step up and help you, dump him.

Eyerollcentral · 08/02/2023 17:09

Tabitha1960 · 08/02/2023 17:06

He's not a mindreader.

Men are always complaining that we don't tell them things straight.

Tell him what you expect of him and let him go away and think about it.

If he won't step up and help you, dump him.

She has already told him she cannot afford to do x, y and z. He doesn’t have to be a mind reader, he has been told.

bobbytorq · 08/02/2023 17:11

Sounds more like a FWB arrangement than a relationship.

Naunet · 08/02/2023 17:14

Tabitha1960 · 08/02/2023 17:06

He's not a mindreader.

Men are always complaining that we don't tell them things straight.

Tell him what you expect of him and let him go away and think about it.

If he won't step up and help you, dump him.

Who knew grown adults had to have mind reading skills in order to be decent human beings.

jannier · 08/02/2023 17:23

So he comes to yours uses your utilities, you buy and cook the food what does he bring apart from himself?

FlowerArranger · 08/02/2023 17:26

jannier · 08/02/2023 17:23

So he comes to yours uses your utilities, you buy and cook the food what does he bring apart from himself?

Apparently he brings wine.

I'm guessing one, maximum two bottles?

And I bet they are the <£10 kind, and he drinks his fair share...

Swipe left for the next trending thread