Expecting too much from partner?

[Cuppa123]

I am a single mum (48, widowed) with a partner of 5 years and we have separate houses living about 90minutes away from each other. I have 4 teenage kids and had a good job, always provided for my own kids, paid my way and split the restaurant bills and holidays for me and him over the years 50/50. I got made redundant a few years ago and have since been working 3 jobs to make ends meet, pay the mortgage and bills etc. Obviously now things have got much worse with rising costs, mortgages etc. He has his own house, no mortgage and one adult daughter living with him. Earns much more than I do and very little outgoings. We see each other mainly weekends when he comes to my house and I cook us meals on Saturday nights and make Sunday lunch, food which I have always paid for. Over xmas, money became desperately tight for me, obviously xmas is expensive anyway, but my heating broke amd I had to pay out a lot to get it fixed. We had previously booked a long weekend (a drive away, not out of the country, self catering and basic to keep costs down) at the end of Feb. We were putting money aside for it. A mini break which I was really looking forward to as I am exhausted from work, kids and financial stress. January and now February have left me broke to the point of barely affording the basics. Knowing my financial predicament my partner suggested we cancel the break to ease my financial problems. So I had to cancel the break as no way could I afford to pay my half and needed my money I had tried to save. I was really upset and down about this for a while. A few days ago a small local club I am a member of (which he has just joined at my invitation) decided to have a club meal out next weekend (valentines weekend). Nothing fancy, just a local restaurant and pub after. Obviously I cannot afford to pay my way, so I cannot go even though I would have loved to have gone. We rarely go out for meals. When he knew about the meal he said I suppose we can't go, obviously referring to my financial situation of which he knows everything. I said I can't go and his response was ok. I have felt really down that my lack of money has taken choices away from me. I know I am not the only one. But I see friends and families able to go out and go on breaks and it makes me feel rubbish. Am I wrong for thinking it would have been nice if he offered to take me to the meal given the disappointment of the cancelled break and the crap money situation I find myself in? I know some may think I am being petty over a meal, but this has really upset me. At this point he knows I am upset and tonight texted me to ask 'will I take you out for a meal Saturday night?' By now I am just too fed up and told him to forget it. To me it seems like an afterthought or an obligation.

One red for him, one white for me.

@Cuppa123 So OP, on the few occasions that he has cooked at your place, did you also provide all the groceries? Or is he such a skinflint that he expected you to provide everything?

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You know you are worth more than this crap, don't you

“We see each other mainly weekends when he comes to my house and I cook us meals on Saturday nights and make Sunday lunch, food which I have always paid for.” I think he’s mean.

This has just been the final straw. So he now has 3 weeks to learn how to think or it is over

OP you do realise you are breaking the Golden Rule of ultimatums, don't you?

So lover-boy crawls back, tail between his legs, buys you a dinner to keep you sweet then lapses back into his same tight waddery behaviour as before.

what then? Another break? Another ultimatum?

he's as tight as a duck's proverbial, he'll never change, you would be much better off cutting loose and not wasting your time with the charmer - there's hardly lots of complexity to get through, you live apart, you don't have children together, you're 90 mins away from him. Why is your bar so low?

I would end it. He's happy to stand by and watch you struggle. That's not a friend, never mind a partner.

Because despite this miserly and unthoughtful behaviour, he does actually have good qualities and I have been with him for 5 years for a reason. But I also need time apart now to take stock. And maybe both of us will find that we are ok not being together and part amicably. And I phoned him to tell him about the break, but I would never break up finally with him over the phone. So if it is to happen, it will be face to face and I would rather be in a more rational state of mind for that. Does that kind of make sense?

Yes it does make sense and is easy to say why the hell are you staying with this man when obviously he must have some good qualities or you wouldn’t be with him

@Cuppa123 youre in the relationship, so you get to make the decisions and yes I'm sure he must have some good qualities. I guess my deal breaker is tightness, I absolutely loathe it, so for me I can't understand why you'd want to be in a relationship with someone who won't think twice about taking off you when you have money worries yet wont put his hand into his wallet to make your life a bit happier and show you he cares (it's a Love Language if you're into that). If he does other things that make up for his shabby behaviour then you're golden, keep on keeping on and all the very best to you.

He sounds like a miserly arse.

You make him dinner every week and he can't take you out for a nice meal occasionally without you paying for half? FFS.

Why are you putting up with this?

His behaviour is shit.

I can't believe he got you to cancel the break he should have paid. Me and my partner the same and he has much more outgoing than me and I often pick up things it would be nice for him to pay for. I help him out if I can. He stresses about money and I always say there is more to life than money, don't worry about it. For example over Christmas I knew he was skint so I transferred him £100. He didn't ask, I'd never put him in that position. Don't get me wrong I do prompt him to pay his half but if he genuinely can't he can't and I don't punish him or expect him to miss out because of it.

My DH is a generous person and would rather pay for us to enjoy things together than go without. A few months in to our relationship I'd rather have paid my way but as our relationship developed I realised that when he offered to pay for something out of my budget it was because he enjoyed sharing the experience. Thinking if the shoe was on the other foot, i'm the same. When we lived separately I lived in a shared room so I could save as much as possible. He lived in a flat with a mortgage. There were some occasions when I paid for us without thinking because I wanted him there and he'd blown his budget on service charges. Naturally it's turned into us in a marriage sharing finances with no feeling that the other is taking the piss.

Before him, I had a boyfriend who was incredibly cheap and I thought it was normal. It was only when the boyfriend was mocking a colleague for being generous to his friends that I realised it wasn't normal. They were both officers in the RAF and living in subsidised accommodation. His colleague paid for three friends to come to a summer ball. I was on £16000 in a private rental vs his £28000 in subsidised accommodation. His colleague was surprised that I had paid for my £120 ticket and £100 train fare when I said I couldn't afford my usual bi-weekly trip up that month then said "but it wouldn't have been fun without you here". My then boyfriend scoffed and said something about women paying their way for equality. We didn't last much longer after that. It was too transactional, like we were keeping a tab.