Not a FWB, how would I term this?

[honeyandbutterontoast]

About to dip my toes yet again in the murky pool of online dating. But I’m really looking for something very specific and not sure how I should term it or if I will even get any interest?

I do not want a relationship. No blending families, no long term commitment, no moving in together etc. All I want is someone to have an evening with once a month or so, dinner or cinema. Something nice but not extravagant. Or maybe an afternoon out (again not often), gallery, museum, coffee and cake. I don’t want continual texting or to hear the minutiae about someone’s day in daily phone calls.

Basically something exciting and fun to liven up my life, without any hassle. But not to just be someone’s booty call.

how would I phrase that in a dating profile?

Maybe they do. I'm still in my 30s and raising children so for me once or twice per week would be waaaay too much. I don't have time and I'd find it stifling. Twice per month would be the absolute maximum.

Same. Once a fortnight would be my ideal.

Actually OP, thinking about it, I think what you have probably described is most married men’s ideal Other Woman.

I think that’s what this relationship is called!

how would I phrase that in a dating profile?

How about:

I do not want a relationship. No blending families, no long term commitment, no moving in together etc. All I want is someone to have an evening with once a month or so, dinner or cinema. Something nice but not extravagant. Or maybe an afternoon out (again not often), gallery, museum, coffee and cake. I don’t want continual texting or to hear the minutiae about someone’s day in daily phone calls.

Basically something exciting and fun to liven up my life, without any hassle. But not to just be someone’s booty call.

As you can tell from the replies in this thread there are many interpretations of labels. The only thing you might want to add/make clear is that sex is part of the deal and you want exclusivity. But yeah, if the above is what you want, why dress it up with a label. Tell it like it is.

Sorry OP, you do seem to want the connection and friendship once a month, without the work to build that

Would you also criticise a man who wants sex once a month without doing 'the work'?

Why shouldn't OP have things on her terms, assuming she can find a man who obliges.

I didn’t say I wouldn’t do the effort or put in work. And I would be happy to have some texting or whatever, but on a fun exciting basis. I don’t want drudgery. And I’ve found men are very quick to stop making effort at my age (late 40’s).

Had considered an escort tbh. At least he would be interested to see me (as he was getting paid!).

I really don’t want the commitment of twice a week, I don’t have the time or emotional headspace. Fortnightly maybe but it would need to fit around kids etc. I think monthly would be enough tbh, I don’t want to have all the emotions of it more than that.

Is it possible you've just been seeing the wrong men? I think when you're really into someone, you find the time and energy.

Using an escort sounds a bit grubby and tawdry to be honest, OP.

How about going for a younger man? He's likely to be a bit livelier than a grumpy middle aged man, plus more stamina and a hotter body.

No I don’t want to find the time or energy. I have a super stressful life and don’t want anything that will add to that. Just some time for me, occasionally.

kind of like going to the WI club once a month, only with sex instead 😂

Don’t project your agenda onto me.

My post was a statement not a criticism. Friendships require investment.

And yes, of course I would say the same to a man. There is literally nothing in my post to cause you to think I would not.

@Fireingrate Don't worry, I wasn't getting at you, just interested.

Is like the normal fireside set but with spare brush heads?

Something like this?

You want a FWB bit the emphasis heavily on friend who likes the things you like.

Yes, this is common among older people and it's called having a "companion". So not a partner, but still a regular person in their life.

I agree, if you're older there isn't naturally the usual progression in a relationship, you're not necessarily looking to live together or get married. I know lots of men and women who are looking for a solid supportive relationship but without the aspirations of moving in together etc.

Relationships, from friendships to families go both ways, you get what you put in. If you are not interested in having a special person/friend/partner/lover in your life you are just looking for a fuck buddy, there is no need to dress it at something else.

Have you heard about the Illicit Encounters site? That may be the place for you (apparently you don’t need to be married and unfaithful to be there).

I like to connect with people so I don’t think I would like it there but my ex friend, who is affluent, highly educated, single with children said it was perfect for her as most men there were as affluent and educated as her, wanted a nice dinner with good conversation and if they felt like it, some sex but were not interested in becoming part of each other lives.

(I say ex friend as she stop talking to me when I said that was not my scene 🤣)

I think it would be called a gentleman caller in old money - all very glamorous. You’d get dressed up and he’d take you to the theatre or afternoon tea at the Ritz, or maybe for supper and a dance at the Café de Paris - Joan Collins and Zaza Gabor would be there - followed by a walk along the river and a night of passion and romance. Then he’d go on business for a month and you’d meet up again on his return and go and drink wine in an underground jazz club in New Orleans. That would be wonderful 😁I would totally be up for that!

Mine are friend's and lovers....

First thing I thought of

@Carlycat @RestingMurderousFace the problem with an escort is that they are only engaging with you because you have employed them. I would hate having sex with someone who was there for any other reason than because they wanted to be having sex with me. I need to feel desired to enjoy intimacy

Their isn’t a pithy acronym that will describe exactly what you want because as this thread has demonstrated, interpretations differ. A short paragraph outlining exactly what you want would be the most helpful but eve then it wouldn’t immunise you or the prospective companion from developing feelings.

Do you want someone who will be exclusive to you? As I don’t think you’re going to find someone who will be content with once a month meeting, no texting etc.

A monthly date plus sex

That's what you're looking for

MD+S

Op, have just re read your posts and it just occurred to me that with those descriptions of what you want and not you would be actually advertising yourself either as a fuck buddy or a free escort.

You may want to pay for the escort, at least that way you get what you want and have a higher likelihood of finding and choosing who you like. Because believe me, whatever is said in mumsnet about men in OLD just wanting sex, they also find it undignified and feel used when the women just want sex and no commitment.

I tend to agree, if you really want to make no emotional investment at all, you're asking for fuck buddy.

I think it's possible to have a happy relationship with someone you don't see that often because that suits both of you, but you seem to be looking for something very one sided. You don't want them to see you as a booty call but you're not prepared to give anything more yourself.

I’m not sure I said I wanted no emotional investment? I said I didn’t want blended families and moving in etc? I’m quite happy to emotionally invest but don’t have time to make that a priority.

and yes I would be looking for exclusivity, that’s why I realise it’s something very niche I’m searching for. I will join a couple of the sites mentioned and see how it goes.