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Original poster

My sister is 10 weeks along with triplets, and I heard about it accidentally via a third party. WWYD?

93 replies

Earlybird · 07/02/2008 17:31

My sister has one child (ds aged 4.5), and has tried for another baby for quite a long time. We have spoken at length/in detail over the past 3 years or so about the various methods she was employing - fertility drugs, various doctors/clinics, egg donor, well-timed/maximum fertility random sex, etc.

During those years, she has had one miscarriage (she regretted telling everyone she was pregnant too early as then she had to explain about the miscarriage). She also has had an unsuccessful embryo transfer using an egg donor. She is now 44, and our last conversation was about if/when she could accept the idea that she might not be able to have another biological child.

We have had extensive and regular conversations over the past 6 months as our Mother's health has deteriorated. I've visited several times, and we have spent a fair amount of time in each other's company.

This past weekend, her dh confided to a distant cousin that they are expecting triplets after treatment at a fertility centre which is a 3 hour plane ride away from their home. She is 10 weeks along, and has never breathed a word about this to me.

I am happy for her of course, as they wanted this for such a long time (though a bit at how she will physically and/or logistically manage triplets). But I am also hurt and even a bit angry that she has chosen not to share this part of her life with me. I also am very unhappy about how I found out the news.

I don't know what to say to her. I don't want to 'ruin' her happy news with my feelings, but am not sure I can pretend well enough for it to be convincing. Any thoughts/advice much appreciated.

OP posts:

lazarou · 07/02/2008 17:35

Don't do or say anything. Practice you're 'oh my god, i'm so surprised face' and congratulate her when she finally tells you.

CarGirl · 07/02/2008 17:35

actually I think I would speak to her dh and tell him that you know and that he needs to sort that out with your sister!!! I can only imagine that she doesn't feel that she wants to share it with anyone and will probably be very very angry/upset with her dh.

kindersurprise · 07/02/2008 17:37

Do as lazarou suggests.

I imagine that her DH was not supposed to tell anyone and she would be really upset if she knew that he had blabbed, especially if you are quite close.

IndigoMoon · 07/02/2008 17:38

i would imagine that your sister does not know that dh has blabbed.

Bluebutterfly · 07/02/2008 17:40

Although I agree with CarGirl that they were probably not officially telling ANYONE yet due to the previous miscarriage, they are having triplets. It is possible dh is a bit overwhelmed and just needed someone to talk to and did not expect that the person he told would spread it around - no point in causing any marital probs under the circumstances.

I agree with lazarou, assume she thinks that noone knows and is planning to tell you when she is ready and then act surprised. If you are truly as close as you say you are, then I doubt she was deliberatly witholding information from you.

TotalChaos · 07/02/2008 17:40

Agree with Lazarou. Given the history, it's understandable that she felt uncomfortable disclosing at a relatively early stage of PG, and surely a triplet PG is a rather high risk PG by definition, which will make her even more jittery. Sounds like it's her DH rather than her that's been loosemouthed, so try not to take things personally.

MommaFeelgood · 07/02/2008 17:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Buda · 07/02/2008 17:42

I also think she has no idea he told. It is a risky pregnancy and she has already lost one - she prob didn't want to tell anyone till she is 3 months or so.

And with regard to her not telling you she was even having the treatment - I have one DS through IVF and had another attempt in Oct 06 which unfortunately was negative. I told far too many people and really regretted it as I felt it was all people thought about or talked about when I was around. Have vowed that if I try again I will not tell anyone. So don't hold that against her.

MrsDandOllie · 07/02/2008 17:42

She must have a very good reason to not tell you and would most likely be horrified that you heard about it this way.
I'd agree with the others - please try not to tell her that you know and wait till she tells you herself.
I'd also have a word with whoever it is that told you (was it her DH cousin?) and advise them not to tell anyone else to save your sisters feelings. If it seems that he has already told other people then I'd speak to your sisters DH and tell him so he can gently tell your sister and start damage limitation!!

MAMAZON · 07/02/2008 17:44

its unfair that you found out teh way you did but i imagine she wanted to wait until 12 weeks before she told anyone due to the history.

no doubt her Dh will be getting a stern talking to for revealing the info before hand

TripleyTigger · 07/02/2008 17:47

Momma!!!! Stop touting for business!!

When I found out I was PG with triplets I kept it quiet for a while too. Not only because of the risks,but when you are first told you get a LOT of information chucked at you, which takes a while to sink in.

You have to prepare yourself and get comfortable with it first, as most people don't say 'congratulations' when you tell them and it can be quite upsetting when you tell your good news only for people to stare at you with an open mouth!!!! So you need to toughen up!!!! If she is having wobbles,she won't want to break the news until she is confident enough that she can cope.

Probably hubby got over excited and it was a long distance cousin,so perhaps he was trying to fill silences and thought there would be no come back?

TripleyTigger · 07/02/2008 17:49

distant cousin

Original poster

Earlybird · 07/02/2008 17:49

Good objective advice, and perspective - thank you.

I can completely understand her wanting to keep it quiet, given what has happened in the past. It's not news for consumption by all and sundry until the pregancy is more secure, but I didn't think I was in the 'all and sundry' category.

Her husband spilled the beans to the cousin when we were at a restaurant, and sister was not having a drink. I think he assumed she had told me - or perhaps would do at the meal.

OP posts:

PortAndLemon · 07/02/2008 17:52

There have been so many threads on here from the other perspective -- you know the sort of thing "I have had miscarriages in the past so DH and I had agreed not to say anything about this pregnancy until we were into the second trimester. Now I have found out that DH has ignored our agreement and told one of his cousins. AIBU to be furious with him?". There was that poster the other day who had told her mother under strict promises of secrecy but her mother then told everyone including the trolley bloke at Tescos...

Almost certainly either she doesn't know that her DH has been blabbing about it and would be furious if she did, or she does know and is furious but doesn't know how far the news has spread. Almost certainly her plan was for you to be the first, or almost the first, person she shared it with. I think it's unreasonable of you to be angry with her because someone else couldn't respect that decision.

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 07/02/2008 17:53

I would guess her Dh told the distant cousin as he didn't feel like it was really telling anyone as they weren't close in family or geographically perhaps?

Being annoyed with your sister could spoil this wonderful news for both of you so I would say nothing.

PortAndLemon · 07/02/2008 17:57

I've never told anyone (apart from DH) about a pregnancy until I was into the second trimester. It doesn't mean my family members are "all and sundry", it's that I don't want to tell anyone no matter how unsundry. If a pregnancy gets that far and we do tell then we tell immediate family first.

For you a pregnancy may not be news for consumption by "all and sundry" until the pregnancy is more secure, but for others of us it's not news for consumption by anyone. Making big assumptions about what your sister not telling you says about your relationship is unfair, IMO.

Pruners · 07/02/2008 18:09

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Earlybird · 07/02/2008 18:20

You're all right of course, and I will keep up the pretense that I don't know. And I will act thrilled for her when she is ready to tell me - which shouldn't be long now as she weighs under 8 stone, and I suspect this will be a very tricky pregnancy.

I'm sure at some point, we will have a conversation about when/why she stopped talking to me about it - especially as she shared confidences about every previous step taken.

Actually - the more I write, the more concerned I feel for her too.

OP posts:

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 07/02/2008 18:49

TBH I wouldn't have that conversation. It isn't necessary imho.

llareggub · 07/02/2008 18:55

No, don't have that conversation. Just express surprise, congratulations and be there to hold her hand all the way along. She certainly doesn't need anything but support right now!

Pruners · 07/02/2008 19:00

Message withdrawn

Shizaru · 07/02/2008 19:03

Oh pruners! Announcing it at someone elses wedding???? What bad manners he has! V poor etiquette to do that.

I was a teeny bit narked when a family member announced their V early pg 4 days before my wedding. I cant begin to imagine how the bride must have felt that day......

P.S. speaking of manners....I meant to reply to your last email via facebook re boys being a handful! I appreciated it v much.

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 07/02/2008 19:03

She may not want to tell you yet in case she m/c your nieces/nephews. Have you thought about that maybe?

Hulababy · 07/02/2008 19:07

"During those years, she has had one miscarriage (she regretted telling everyone she was pregnant too early as then she had to explain about the miscarriage)."

Do you think this is why she hasn't yet mentioned it?

I bet she has no idea her DH has said anything.

Pruners · 07/02/2008 20:07

Message withdrawn

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