My sister is 10 weeks along with triplets, and I heard about it accidentally via a third party. WWYD?

[Earlybird]

My sister has one child (ds aged 4.5), and has tried for another baby for quite a long time. We have spoken at length/in detail over the past 3 years or so about the various methods she was employing - fertility drugs, various doctors/clinics, egg donor, well-timed/maximum fertility random sex, etc.

During those years, she has had one miscarriage (she regretted telling everyone she was pregnant too early as then she had to explain about the miscarriage). She also has had an unsuccessful embryo transfer using an egg donor. She is now 44, and our last conversation was about if/when she could accept the idea that she might not be able to have another biological child.

We have had extensive and regular conversations over the past 6 months as our Mother's health has deteriorated. I've visited several times, and we have spent a fair amount of time in each other's company.

This past weekend, her dh confided to a distant cousin that they are expecting triplets after treatment at a fertility centre which is a 3 hour plane ride away from their home. She is 10 weeks along, and has never breathed a word about this to me.

I am happy for her of course, as they wanted this for such a long time (though a bit at how she will physically and/or logistically manage triplets). But I am also hurt and even a bit angry that she has chosen not to share this part of her life with me. I also am very unhappy about how I found out the news.

I don't know what to say to her. I don't want to 'ruin' her happy news with my feelings, but am not sure I can pretend well enough for it to be convincing. Any thoughts/advice much appreciated.

and your PG sister will know that you know by now because your other sister is bound to have told her that Earlybird knows!

You have to do this quickly!!

How long ago was it that you spoke to the other sister ie the non pregnant one?

Last night - though I asked her to say nothing to preg sis.

I would feel as hurt and angry as you.

But you need to break the circle. Send the card. Let her come to her senses.

If she doesn't, talk to other sister and explain how deeply hurt you are.

Agree with the other pps: send the card. It will give you peace of mind by knowing you have been thoughtful & grown up, despite your sister's baffling & hurtful silence.

It's a bit naff to say it, but to thine own self be true. Then at the birth send an appropriate present and all good wishes. You sister may or may not choose to respond, but you can take comfort in knowing that you have shown her love and support. And then concentrate on your own family and friends...

The longer you leave telling people about a pregnancy, the harder it becomes to break the news at all (I know, I waited over 5 months, due to previous mcs and early sb), especially when you're not feeling confident of the outcome. It's like you don't want to get other people's hopes up and then disappoint them.
Also, your sister may not have wanted to break the news while your family was so fresh in grieving - ie. have the attention turned to her. She has now lost one of her babies - it could be that she is even more worried now about losing another/both and would feel awkward talking about being happy about the pregnancy.
I think that if you approach her with open arms and no blame, telling her you know, she will open up and will probably feel relieved that she doesn't now have to 'break the news', which is the hardest thing to do.
It sounds as if you miss your sister, and I'm sure she's missing you too.
If she knows about the conversation with your other sister, she may be feeling even more awkward and wondering how to approach you. If you take the first steps then you're opening up a door for both of you.
Good luck. x.

How are you Earlybird?

Hi collision (and everyone else reading) - have done nothing yet as all energy currently going into another more immediately pressing family dilemma. Details here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/9/501449?stamp=080325120402

I am beyond ready for some positive family issues....

Well, in spite of my asking her not to say anything, third sis has obviously told pg sis that I know. Just received an email from preg sis saying:

"I need to apologise to you about not telling you I am pregnant. I didn't realize that dh told at the restaurant until later. I wanted to wait to tell everyone until we knew everything was ok with the pregnancy.

I am now 17 weeks with twins, was pregnant with triplets, but lost the other baby a few weeks ago. The other two are healthy and I am going every 2 weeks for my appts. We're having a boy and a girl.

I am so very sorry that I didn't tell you before now, but like 2 years ago I was pregnant and lost it at 14 weeks so then had to tell everyone that we had lost it. That is still no excuse not to let you know.

I hope you and dd are doing well and hope you enjoyed your visit with X and had a great time on holiday. I would like to hear all about it."

So now I have finally been 'told'. The email doesn't make it better - who knows how long she would have left it without prompting/intervention of third sister. Her handling of this says something profound about our relationship...or lack of one. My dear friends would never treat me this way, and tbh I think my emotional energy is far better invested with them.

but you will still need to deal with this EB!

She has told you and you need to react in a good way.

Hi sister

Thanks so much for the email and I am so relieved that I finally know officially as I was starting to worry that I had unintentionally offended you!

DH and I are so thrilled for you both and know you will be great parents. The children are so excited at the prospect of new cousins.

If there was any reason why you didnt tell me earlier, you would let me know wouldnt you?

Since Mum died, I feel so sad at what has become of our family and I would really like to feel that we could all be closer and be there for each other.

I really love you and really delighted about your news. I am sorry that you lost one of the babies and hope that the rest of your pregnancy goes well.

DH and the kids send their love. I will call you on Friday evening.

Keep in touch

EB

You have to respond to her email or it will look odd.

Pick up the phone and chat to her!

Earlybird, I know this is hurtful for you, but I REALLY think that you need to forgive her

It is a horrible, stressful time for her and pregnancy is bad enough without additional worries of having TTC for years/lost one baby. She could have a million reasons for not telling you, not least superstition, but also her head is probably totally fucked at the moment, and she has just lost a baby. She is in a very dark and scary place I would imagine, and I think you are harsh to say that you don't want to invest emotional energy in her because of this.

She is always going to be your sister and how she has/hasn't behaved in the last few weeks is not something I think you should take her to task about and bear a grudge about.

I really hope the rest of the pregnancy goes okay. xx

Hmm. I think you should ring her, chat about what she wants to chat about, congratulate her, wish her well. By all means though mention that you were hurt to find out this way. To feel like you were the last to know.
I can see why you would feel that you are perhaps more emotionally bonded with your friends at the moment. But if you maintain an open line of communication and a friendliness at the moment, your relationship may slip into something more meaningful in time.
You must feel very hurt. TBH I can see why she maybe didn't want to jinx the pregnancy by talking about it, though her dh let the cat out of the bag and it does seem that she'd obviously told your other sister. Is a tricky one.
I do think that the first thing to do is have a chat on the phone, or try to meet up.
See how things pan out.

Only 10 weeks along with triplets, and a previous miscarriage?! I am not surprised she hasn't told you.

Her husband slipped up and now you know (because someone else slipped up) but I don't think you should take it personally. She has good reasons not to tell anyone and perhaps she is unaware that her husband is telling relatives!

Collision's draft is excellent.

Well, maybe you should let it lie for now?

Obviously, there is a relationship (or lack of) issue here. I remember you agreed earlier that you have not been very proactive in maintaining the relationship. It's a shared responsibility.

Don't make this pregnancy a trigger for something that is obviously bigger. The pregnancy itself is irrelevant to the problem.
However the pregnancy is central to your sister's life at the moment. Don't use it. She's already had to deal with the loss of your mum just like you AND anxiety about miscarrying again AND actually loosing a baby.

The recent months have been really emotionally charged for all of you remember.
So sorry for your loss. Loosing a parent was bound to bring about some sort of reflection on your family relationships. It's never easy.

Try and wait it out a bit and reflect. See if you can let go and be happier. Clean slate. happy news with babies. start fresh.

Take care.

bless you collision!
Are you charging copyrights?

collision's draft I agree is excellent. It could well be that your sister is being completely irrational (aren't we all when we are prgnant) and was just hoping that the whole situation of having not told you sooner and then you having found out etc would just go away.

Please see it as an opportunity to improve your family relations (on all sides, inc the sister who was stuck in the middle). You are all going through a really rough time and are probably all emotionally exhausted.

Perhaps there will be an opportunity later to talk to your sister about how hurt you were but now isn't the right time or place I think.

Come and rant here as much as you like though if it helps.

perhaps you are right collision (and thanks for your support/encouragement). Thanks to others too for your thoughts.

My initial reaction is that

an email is a cowardly way of dealing with this on her part. Why not call and genuinely* chat in a heartfelt way?

*I walked every step of past fertility treatments with her, and inexplicably she chose not to share this time - 'why' needs to be answered, and her email explanation simply 'lumps' me in with all and sundry. And as a sidenote: all & sundry know about the pregnancy because she's showing now - I'm 4 hours drive away.

*I 'forced' this into the open by conversation with other sister. PG sis was not making any moves toward sharing her news.

Even if I had done 'something' that would explain being excluded from her journey/news, nothing* warrants being treated in this way.

*I don't know how close I can feel to her - it doesn't appear to be reciprocated. Cordial/pleasant, yes. Close, no.

Will see how I feel in the morning.

I think perhaps early on your sister decided not to walk this one with you because she didn't want to walk it with anyone this time???? Problem being once it worked she then had to confess this to you and she knew you'd be upset and has perhaps just been avoiding having to deal with the fall out of her initial decision.

You've been dealt a raw deal but if you can forgive her then it does give you all a fresh start.

Hugs, hope you feel better in the morning x