My sister is 10 weeks along with triplets, and I heard about it accidentally via a third party. WWYD?

[Earlybird]

My sister has one child (ds aged 4.5), and has tried for another baby for quite a long time. We have spoken at length/in detail over the past 3 years or so about the various methods she was employing - fertility drugs, various doctors/clinics, egg donor, well-timed/maximum fertility random sex, etc.

During those years, she has had one miscarriage (she regretted telling everyone she was pregnant too early as then she had to explain about the miscarriage). She also has had an unsuccessful embryo transfer using an egg donor. She is now 44, and our last conversation was about if/when she could accept the idea that she might not be able to have another biological child.

We have had extensive and regular conversations over the past 6 months as our Mother's health has deteriorated. I've visited several times, and we have spent a fair amount of time in each other's company.

This past weekend, her dh confided to a distant cousin that they are expecting triplets after treatment at a fertility centre which is a 3 hour plane ride away from their home. She is 10 weeks along, and has never breathed a word about this to me.

I am happy for her of course, as they wanted this for such a long time (though a bit at how she will physically and/or logistically manage triplets). But I am also hurt and even a bit angry that she has chosen not to share this part of her life with me. I also am very unhappy about how I found out the news.

I don't know what to say to her. I don't want to 'ruin' her happy news with my feelings, but am not sure I can pretend well enough for it to be convincing. Any thoughts/advice much appreciated.

maybe she is waiting for the magic 12 week thing before telling anyone. and is already furious abou ther dh telling distant cousin/
wait for her to tell you. if she hasnt by week 13. congratulate her anyways.

I have no idea if the pregnancy was achieved via IVF or donor eggs, though I suspect IVF as donor would have been very difficult due to the clinic being so far away. I imagine she is probably taking (and has been for awhile) a cocktail of drugs to hold onto the babies.

It is a very strange feeling to go from an intimate confidante to an 'outsider', but ultimately this is about her and not me. And she will need my support (and lots more besides) in the coming months/years.

I am flabbergasted on her behalf at the prospect of triplets.

Message withdrawn

Yeah, I bet she is thinking of no-one else except her, her DH, and her triplets.

She still has said nothing to me about being pregnant. Presume it is easier to say nothing because we live 4 hours drive apart, and don't see each other regularly, or indeed speak frequently.

She also didn't acknowledge dd's 7th birthday, which was this past Saturday. There's no way she 'forgot' as we spoke about dd's party in early Feb, and I told her we'd love it if their family wanted to travel up to attend and stay with us.

I'm alternating between feeling terribly hurt, pissed off, and deciding that this is showing we have a cr*p relationship and I need to distance myself emotionally. I wouldn't have said we were 'close' exactly, but never dreamed we were this far apart.

Have you spoken to her at all recently? Obviously she must have a lot on her mind at the moment but are you sure that she's ok?

I waited to tell everyone face to face. Which meant that those who lived further away found out later. This was because I cared more not less (people I didn't care about so much were told on the phone).

No, have not spoken to her since the day of our Mum's funeral 2 weeks ago.

seems odd that she would ignore your dd's birthday. perhaps it's time to call her.

i'm so sorry about your mum - didn't read your last post until too late.

what an awful time this must be.

Oh I'm so sorry, you must all be going through so much at the moment. Have you tried to initiate contact? Perhaps she isn't wanting to tell you the "good news" at such a difficult time. People can be the most insensitive when they're trying to be caring (oddly).

Are you ok? No wonder you're questioning your relationship, you've just been through a big trauma and for whatever reason you're not able to lean on each other.

Please give her a call.
xxx

i read in the newspaper that my sister was pg

We're not a particularly close family (a fact that could be 'blamed' on geography when we became adults), but events like this bring home (in a painful way) just how fractured the relationships are.

ATM, I'm wavering between feeling angry and feeling hurt/rejected. Based on the limited information I have, think this will mark 12 weeks for her. I wonder if she'll call....btw, I know she's ostensibly OK because the other sister has reported to me some tasks that have been done relating to arrangements for our mother's estate.

Has it got to the point where you want to tell her that you know?

It's such a difficult situation, you're trying not to infringe upon her right to tell you when she's ready, but her bloody dh has ruined that anyway! I really think you should get in touch, you seem so sad. Could you e-mail her, just with a simple, "ds's birthday went well, how are you?" type thing.

xxx

I would contact her and just say.. it has been a while, worried that we haven't spoken since the funeral, just calling to see how you are.

Phone lines go both ways so although you know she has news, she may be sitting there thinking that you haven't contacted her.

Break the ice.. don't mention the babies.. we had a friend who was pregnant with triplets (Dh's best man) and they didn't tell us it was triplets until they were born, they were IVF and had been advised that one would probably die so don't prepare for triplets as it is highly unlikely.

they were born at 24 weeks and the phone call to say that she had given birth to triplets was surreal!

try to focus on the relationship you have with your sister.. she will tell you about the pregnancy when she is ready.

is it possible she's miscarried so the reason she still hasn't told you is because there isn't anything to tell any more?

If her dh told a distant cousin some weeks ago then it's entirely possible that things have changed since then.

And as she will be about 12 weeks gone by now she would almost certainly be showing by now if it's triplets, so definitely not something she could keep to herself for long.

Phone your BIL and ask him...it's the only way you'll get an answer without potentially upsetting your sister.

it really, really, really is nobody's business at all when people start feeling okay to talk about their pregnancies. i had two ectopics, was about to get treatment for a third when we saw a sac in the womb and it was dd.
i didn't want to tell anyone until i was forced to by showing a bump. my mum and one sister knew, because they'd been told that i had a third ectopic by dh, and when everything turned out for the best i was put under enormous pressure from mum to tell my other siblings.
it was stressful, awful, and i am still angry about it tbh. my body, my pregnancy, my news. and the fact that i wanted only a tiny circle of people (i told some friends) to know doesn't mean i don't love or trust my family, it meant that i didn't love or trust my body and couldn't bear to put them throuhg a very public failure on my part again.
seriously earlybird, this has bugger all to do with you yet, just be happy when you hear the news.

GOD, don't phone your BiL, you don't need an answer, you'll be fine, you're not the one pregnant with triplets.

Earlybird, is the reason you are so upset because you feel your sister is keeping this from you, or because you are grieving for your mother and want to feel close to other family members?
I could be completely wrong about this, and I am very sorry if I am, but in some ways it seems like this is something you can focus on and can be upset at, instead of grieving.
[hug]

I feel for you Earlybird - you are obv going through a lot

Agree with JingleyJen - phone your sister and see how she is doing but don't mention the pg unless she does. She seems to be innocent in all of this - she may still not realise that her dh has told someone, she may have miscarried, she is going through all of this just having lost your mum. She might be completely overwhelmed by all of it.

I wouldn't conclude that you have a bad relationship - as Aitch says, it doesn't necessarily mean that she doesn't love or trust you.

EB, had you thought that maybe she feels uncomfortable talking about her pregnancy with her sisters so close after her/your mothers death, that maybe she feels it would be insensitive or might hurt your feelings. I mean it is obvious that her DH was not supposed to tell your distant cousin, she is probably very worried for the pregnancy and didn't want to tell you in the iffy period when you were still grieving for your mother and you could end up grieving for her unborn babes as well.

Thanks to all who have been so kind/compassionate with your words of advice and support.

You're all correct of course, that there are all sorts of logical/acceptable reasons why she hasn't chosen to share the news with me (and presumably anyone else....but can't be sure of that).

I completely understand how wise a cautious approach is in the early stages of a pregnancy - especially one that came about following intensive fertility treatments, and is likely to be complicated/difficult. I appreciate she might be a bit 'flipped out'. She wanted a baby, but triplets? I imagine she feels scared and overwhelmed.

But as the days/weeks tick by with no word, I am finding it increasingly difficult to understand her silence, and don't feel a close/valued part of her life. My gut feeling after being shocked/worried is one of distance and estrangement.

I suspect, in an odd sort of way, her decision to delay telling might be a big part of why it will be difficult to 'finally' announce the news. The more time passes, the clearer it becomes just how much of her life she was keeping private.

Finally, there is the awful possibility that she's said nothing because something has gone wrong.

oh goodness earlybird, seems like a tough time for you and your family. touch wood all is ok with your sister's pregnancy, i'm sure it is. give her a call.

I'm 20 weeks pregnant and still haven't told my family. I've had 2 mc and bleeding earlier on in this pregnancy. I'm worried that as soon as I do something will go wrong. It's silly I know but when I tell people it makes it more real somehow. Please try not to be offended, I think that she's probably trying to deal with what is happening in her own way.

without wishing to sound harsh, earlybird, this is very, very unlikely to be about you.
she's probably wanting to wait until the AFP results come through, which is at about 17 weeks or so, isn't it?
why assume that reflects on your relationship?
you should phone her for an ordinary chat, no fishing, because at the moment by not phoning you're being a bit weird about this imo.