My sister is 10 weeks along with triplets, and I heard about it accidentally via a third party. WWYD?

[Earlybird]

My sister has one child (ds aged 4.5), and has tried for another baby for quite a long time. We have spoken at length/in detail over the past 3 years or so about the various methods she was employing - fertility drugs, various doctors/clinics, egg donor, well-timed/maximum fertility random sex, etc.

During those years, she has had one miscarriage (she regretted telling everyone she was pregnant too early as then she had to explain about the miscarriage). She also has had an unsuccessful embryo transfer using an egg donor. She is now 44, and our last conversation was about if/when she could accept the idea that she might not be able to have another biological child.

We have had extensive and regular conversations over the past 6 months as our Mother's health has deteriorated. I've visited several times, and we have spent a fair amount of time in each other's company.

This past weekend, her dh confided to a distant cousin that they are expecting triplets after treatment at a fertility centre which is a 3 hour plane ride away from their home. She is 10 weeks along, and has never breathed a word about this to me.

I am happy for her of course, as they wanted this for such a long time (though a bit at how she will physically and/or logistically manage triplets). But I am also hurt and even a bit angry that she has chosen not to share this part of her life with me. I also am very unhappy about how I found out the news.

I don't know what to say to her. I don't want to 'ruin' her happy news with my feelings, but am not sure I can pretend well enough for it to be convincing. Any thoughts/advice much appreciated.

your sister 'didnt' tell anyone else first her dh did, she prob told him to tell no-one but he blabbed..she wanted to wait until she felt safe as you already explained she wished she hadnt spoken of her pregnancy last time as she had to explain the MC..don be harsh on her its really not about you and not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, she will need help and support.

I bet her dh let it out when he was supposed to. Mine is the same. He can never keep quiet about anything

wouldn't you feel better just asking her?

Could you do it in a 'you'll never guess what I just heard - you're not are you?' sort of way?

she might be incredibly relieved to have someone to share the secret with whether it's good or bad news.

Thought I'd revisit this thread with an update and another plea for advice.

Sister still has said nothing to me about her pregnancy. Historically we've not spoken regularly as I've lived on the other side of the world for many years, so not unusual to go 3 months without a phone call. I admit, I've stepped back and in a way, have been 'testing' to see just how long she would leave it before sharing her news with me.

I spoke to my other sister last night about details surrounding Mum's death/settling of her affairs. I was fishing for news of third sister (the pregnant one), and nothing was forthcoming. I finally said 'how is the pregnancy progressing'? There was a long pause, and then a 'how do you know about it'? We talked a bit, and I said how bewildered/hurt/angry I am. Third sister said 'yes, almost everyone knows now as she's showing' and 'has anything happened between the two of you?' I honestly can think of nothing.

I'm at a loss, and am close to concluding that I should simply concentrate on the good/strong friendships I have (the 'sisters' I 'chose' as opposed to the ones I was 'born' with) and leave my sister to it. We've always had a wildly dysfunctional family, but I always assumed it was mainly our parents who were the problem. Sadly, that appears not to be the case. We're not particularly close (obviously), but I never dreamed we were so 'far apart', iyswim.

Any advice/thoughts?

Oh - babies due around first of August, and middle sister says something happened and it is now twins.

time to phone pg sister and wish her congrats, if other sister hasn't done so already she'll soon work out you know and wonder why you haven't been on phone congratulating her

nowt as strange as families but the main thing here is her safe happy healthy pregnancy, not trying to work out whats heppened between two adults who are both possibly testing waters

you have the opportunity to be a lovely sister and an aunt to 3 babies, take it!

sorry x post, but maybe even more relevant that she has already lost one of them. she's had a lot to worry about and deal with - pregnancy, triplets, now twins and the passing of your mother

time to bite the bullet and make the call

Your preg sister obviously said something to your other sister for her to know she hadn't made you aware of the PG? Shows to me that they had discussed it & for some reason sis didn't want you to know.

Will your sis now tell preg sis that you know about the pregnancy?

I agree with dizzy. It's time to phone her, ask her how she is, and wish her congratulations.

I agree with Belgo and Dizzy, give her a call and tell her how happy you are for her.
I didn't tell my Mum and several close friends I was PG until quite late on. Not because of any sinister reason, just because I was trying to get my head round it! However I did tell a few people earlier, face to face, because I found it easier that way and also, like your PG sister, I was showing.
Do you think your sister is perhaps waiting till you see each other? Or perhaps she isn't really ready to let anyone know but she's having to tell people now she's showing?

Interesting that you're all saying call and congratulate her.....You're right that this is absolutely her moment, and it is a hugely happy event. It's wonderful that she's achieved this pregnancy after going through so much. I want to be happy for her. I want to support her. I want to share it with her....

But, by choosing not to share any of this with me (but sharing it with others), she's put a whole other issue into the midst of any happiness I might feel for her. And that other issue has grown larger with each passing week.

I'm hurt, angry and offended.

I think it would be good if you could be the one to try and be functional in your dysfunctional family. It sounds perhaps your sister has been affronted by something you have said/done but that you are completey unaware of (could just be jealous of you or your situation for example).

Could you send her a congratulations card (easier than face to face) and follow it up at a later date with a phone call to see how she's doing ask in passing if you've done something to upset her?

It is hard being the "bigger" person in all of this but wouldn't it be better to use it as an opportunity to build bridges rather than widen the gap between you?

Dear Sister and BIL

I just wanted to send you both huge congratulations and lots of love on the wonderful news of your pregnancy.

I know how long you have both longed to be parents and I know that you will be the best parents ever to your babies. I cannot wait to be an Aunty again and the children cannot wait to see their new cousins.

I am sorry that things seem to be difficult at the moment between us particularly since Mum died and I would love to talk to you about it and see if we can solve the problem together. If I have hurt you in some way then I am truly sorry and if there is something I can do to make life easier for you then please tell me.

You are my sister and we are family and I love you and I need to be able to sort out with you any issues there might be between us.

Please get in contact soon so that we can make things right between us.

Love

EarlyBird xx

So sorry Earlybird - must be really hurtful for you. Especially as you've all just lost your mum.

Just wanted to say how when we found I was pregnant with dd, I had to tell a close friend of my mum's, who caught me being really ill. We really didn't want to tell anyone until after ds (who was then 8 mths.) had undergone a planned operation.

I've always been thankful for my mum never saying anything about us telling xxx before her, and never holding it against us.

I do hope that you can get back on an even keel with your sister soonm - although I really can understand how you feel.

Are you OK Earlybird?

Thanks for asking collision. There is alot going on atm, and it does feel overwhelming sometimes.

Mum is gone, and now it feels I'm being rejected by/'losing' a sister.....

I think some families pull together and support each other in times of tragedy/crisis, and others simply see just how large the 'gulf' is between them....and the 'cracks' really show. Sadly, my family appears to be in the latter category - we don't seem to be able to comfort each other about our loss, or share in happy news either.

Like your letter, btw. Thanks for taking the time to draft it out. Very kind.

Would you be able to send a letter like that?

I think you need to because you need to find out what is going on and you will find out more by writing than speaking I think.

Lots of posters early on said that 'this wasnt about you'. Sadly I think they are wrong as it seems that it is about you.

I thought it was odd that your other sister asked you how you had found out, as though it had been kept from you on purpose.

You need to find out or you wont be able to live with yourself.

I had this recently with a close family friend and it ate me up that she wasnt speaking to me. Even now when I think what the problem was, I get cross that it wasnt sorted out earlier.

I really feel for you.

I m sorry for the loss of your mum.HAving read this (and it is easy for me as I have no sisters) but if you were one of my daughters I would be gutted that you had fallen out. Maybe you need to be the grown up one and send a card (I would be too coward to phone) and just say congrsautions. Maybe there is nothing you have fallen out over but she is feeling sheepish in not telling you sooner. I woud just say how pleased you are for her and that would be it.

I just think life is too short to fall out with people.

Maybe it's because you want it nearly as much as she does that she doesn't want to get your hopes up until she knows everything is ok.

You sound very close otherwise though, so I'm not surprised that you're a bit surprised to have heard from somebody else.

I'd freak her out a little as a punishment(!). Tell her you had a dream she was pregnant with twins... sEE how she reacts to that. Then you can just let on that you are very in tune.

I'm sorry, I hadn't read all the posts.

I'd be hurt in your shoes too, but I'd avoid storming in and demanding to know why she didn't tell you. It IS weird that she didn't, but you can't force her to confide in you, or to regard you as your confidante.

She's the one whose behaviour is odd though, as close or not, I'd tell family. You just do tll family when there's going to be a new family member.

I didn't tell my sis until I was 22 weeks with DD, I lost DS2 at 22 weeks and couldn't face telling anyone.

I'm sure sister knows she should have said something a long time ago, but for some reason, (and I honestly have no idea why), she didn't. I suspect the longer this goes on, the more difficult she is finding it to say something. It requires an explanation, and probably an apology. I think she is avoiding it completely - which makes it even worse as the days tick by.

I like the idea of a letter/card as I can get across exactly what needs to be said without being confrontational.

Sooner you do it EB the better! Just go big on the congratulations and try and make it easy for her to come clean on any issue that she has with you.

Good luck, hopefully sorting it out will actually make you closer.

I hope you don't think I was getting at you over this - I fully understand how you must be feeling, our family are awful re all things involving each other but I just feel there are steps that can be taken to resolve this and to get things moving maybe you would have to be the one to do it.

You've lost your mum and feel like you've lost a sister. I am very sorry for this.

Your sister has lost a mum, possibly feels like she has lost a sister, has lost a baby after trying to conceive via IVF.

I get the feeling everyone is hurting and maybe all it would take is a letter/phone call or first step to be made by someone and as you're the one asking for advice it has to be you!

I do hope it all gets sorted out soon even if just so it stops upsetting you

good luck