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Original poster

BF wants to have sex with other women

102 replies

Megan4921 · 03/02/2023 10:26

So I have been with my BF (M34) for 3 years now and our relationship as well as sex life has been great, He was a virgin and never been in a relationship before he met me so he was a late bloomer. His reasoning was that he was just shy and too introverted, He also worked a lot of hours and was very career focused. I really want kids and so does he. He has a very good paying job, handsome, tall, intelligant and he would make a great father but the other day he said that he wished that he explored having casual sex. I've had FWBs in the past and done casual sex but he hasnt.

He then said that he wants to explore a bit and experience having sex with other women before he gets married and has kids.

I was gutted when he said that because im 34 and I would like at least two kids but im worried that I wont find the right man. I could become a single mummy by choice but that costs money and I also want my kids to have a father figure.

I've also noticed that a lot of the sucessful attractive men my age who want something serious tend to go for younger women and many men in thier 30s are already in relationships.

OP posts:
Startwithamimosa · 03/02/2023 10:40

Interesting that you don't really seem sad about losing him, more that he's good on paper and you might not find anyone else to have kids with?

Irisheyesareshining · 03/02/2023 10:43

Don’t tolerate this nonsense, tell him to go and have sex with as many women as he wants bearing in mind he will be single . He sounds bored of your relationship sadly .

butterfliedtwo · 03/02/2023 10:45

Yeah, agree that it's interesting how you describe him. Do you even want to be with him, or would any father/father figure do for future children?

Because if you're not actually keen on him especially, then he's probably right to leave and look elsewhere tbh.

ICanHideButICantRun · 03/02/2023 10:46

Set him free. I feel for you as I think he's messed you around, but better to let him go and start to look around again asap.

GatherlyGal · 03/02/2023 10:49

Timing is pretty critical in relationships and just finding someone you like and who likes you isn't enough unfortunately.

You are looking for very different things and if he needs to go and have sex with other women I say let him go. Imagine having a baby or babies and being at home wondering where he is and what he's up to.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 03/02/2023 10:53

He can have sex with as many women he can find to consent, but not at the same time as being your ‘partner’.

Annabananna1 · 03/02/2023 10:55

He wants something that is tbh pretty reasonable. I'd want sex with multiple people too before settling down.

Some people are of course in non-monogamous relationships and seem to make it work. Would you consider it?

It sounds like he might be a good catch but you guys have just met at the wrong time.

RosieLemonadeAndSugar · 03/02/2023 10:57

I don't blame him for wanting those things before he settles down.

I do however think he's got a cheek telling you about it. I feel like he's basically asking you to give him the go ahead to do what he wants and you'll wait around for when he's ready to come back. He sounds like he wants to keep you hanging for when he's ready.

Chuck this one back. It's been nice while it lasted but you're at different stages in your life.

Tiani4 · 03/02/2023 11:02

I agree with others OP
He wants uo have a relationship but also to have sex with other women and see if grass is greener on the other side of the fence

That's a no to continuing relationship with him. Ok bf if that's what you want to do, it's time to end our relationship
My parents never had sex before marriage and have been perfectly fine with each other. You don't need to have lots of casual with others before you settle down. But he's at a different stage to you. He wouldn't risk losing you and wouldn't be wanting to look elsewhere if he was at same stage as you ready to have DCs in a long term relationship. I wouldn't wait any longer , start dating other men and maybe you'll find one who is ready and won't keep you hanging on

Luredbyapomegranate · 03/02/2023 11:03

As a couple of PPs have noted, you don’t mention being in love with him, it sounds more that he ticks boxes. As someone else said, timing is also everything.

It sounds like this one has run it’s course. You both want different things so just end it quickly.

MermaidEyes · 03/02/2023 11:07

I agree with pp that it sounds like he's just ticking boxes for you. You seem more gutted about possibly not having children with him than losing him as a partner. I also think it's fair enough that having discovered sex he wants to see what it's like with other people, maybe he feels now he missed out on experimenting when he was younger. I'm not sure how you both go forward now as once this idea is in his mind it's going to be very hard for him to ignore it, and therefore could you trust him?

XmasElf10 · 03/02/2023 11:07

Tell him to knock himself out and bonk as many ladies as he likes. Might be worth pointing out that you will be bonking your way through the male population also… it might not be quite so attractive to him then! Perhaps play Beautiful South on a loop… I’ve had a little time to think it over!

Seriously though I’d be absolutely crushed if the love of my life wanted to go fuck about a bit. Not sure I’d get past him even saying that was what he wanted. There are great men out there who will think you are the moon and stars (and single life is also pretty great). Don’t settle, it never works out well in the long run.

CantAskAnyoneElse · 03/02/2023 11:08

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AuntieStella · 03/02/2023 11:08

Yes, I think this has run its course as an exclusive relationship, so time to move on.

By all means stay on amicable terms so if he discovers the grass isn't greener then perhaps you will both rethink.

But remember that amicable terms doesn't mean that he's your friend, and don't wait around for him. Because what comes next (for each of you) might mean you'll never want to go back

AnImaginaryCat · 03/02/2023 11:11

It's understandable why he wants what he wants. But it's conflicts with wanting to marry and have children with you, the person he's in a relationship with now.

Does he wants to have sex with lots of other people before he marries you or break up with you and have sex with lots of women then marry someone else?

Either way, he's not the right man for you is he? Staying this relationship is therefore just delaying you finding the right man

Activelyannoyed · 03/02/2023 11:16

You seem to only care as you want kids? And focused on finding another dad? You don’t seem to give a shit about not being with him otherwise?

Indecisivebynature · 03/02/2023 11:22

You’re options are clear.

  1. Stay with him and allow him to have sex with other women or

  2. Split up so he is free to meet and have sex with other women but allow him to come back if he explores and then wants to come back or

  3. Split up and you start looking for someone else.

The biggest problem you have here is his lack of experience is fuelling his desire to experience other women. He might thoroughly enjoy being single and all the new experiences and decide that’s what he wants for the time being. Being a man he could realistically shag about for a few years until he decides to ‘settle’. It’s really hard on you but I’ve seen this happen quite a few times with couples who have met in their late teens, settled down together and by early 30’s feel they’ve missed out on. I know he’s older but he’s also inexperienced, like you’ve said a ‘late bloomer’.

I think the fact he’s telling you means he has given this a lot of thought and he might have already made the decision.

In your shoes I would try and talk about it rather than risk him having sex with other women on the side.

LorW · 03/02/2023 11:42

Put him in the bin OP, there is someone out there for you but it isn’t him 😁

Fuckstix · 03/02/2023 11:47

I fully understand the focus on what this means for you at your age (also mid 30s), and why you've talked about this rather than your affection for him. Feels like he's pulled the rug out from under you more so than if you were 25 as you've presumably discussed kids etc.

I think meet this head on. Ask him outright what he would like to do with this realisation. Open relationship, swinging, split and date around? I daresay he has thought it through at length if he's voiced it. Don't let it slide and hope for the best. Let him know that you're now uncomfortable with this knowledge and need to know how to proceed. Let him explain himself but don't accept 'I didn't really mean it'.

I honestly don't think he would've said this if it wasn't a strong inclination and that makes him vulnerable to having his head turned. I don't know the reasons for him being a late bloomer. Maybe he just wasn't and isn't that interested in casual sex and talking this through and realising the consequences (if that means losing you) will make him happy with what he has. You need to shine a light on this though. Find out exactly what he means, and if that is not what you want then I think Let him go while you are still relatively young.

I'm not sure I could come back from this myself though, someone I trusted saying that they were curious about sex with others.

One thing to bear in mind if your main concern is actually him as a father figure etc. I would expect that his lack of experience would make him likely to develop feelings easily too, just in case you were considering 'let him go for a bit, or have a temporary open relationship'.

Planesmistakenforstars · 03/02/2023 11:48

but im worried that I wont find the right man.

You haven't found the right man now though.

But it's not clear from your post if 1. He is ending the relationship 2. He is suggesting an open relationship for both of you or 3. He (and only he) gets to fuck other people until he (and only he) decides otherwise, while you wait around for him like a good little wife to be?

Odin11 · 03/02/2023 11:49

@XmasElf10 but considering he's a man who has traits which many women find attractive he could shag all the women he wants and then find himself a younger woman to have kids with.

OP on the other hand cant afford to shag around if she wants to find a stable man to have kids with. Women have more options in thier 20s while men have more options in thier 30s, its common for men to desire younger women with less baggage just like women desire sucessful men. If your a man in his 30s who wants kids then your going to look for younger women because not only are they more fertile but less chance of being single parents

Odin11 · 03/02/2023 11:55

@LorW But shes 34, She could still find a man but she'll have to lower her standards a bit because the sucessfull attractive men her age that are single will want a younger woman.

Although there are plenty of nice blokes her age who might not have good paying jobs, might be bald, might be short etc who have not had good luck with women but would like to find someone to start a family with

Summerhillsquare · 03/02/2023 11:59

So, what is he doing then? He can't expect you to hang around while he shags around, surely? He needs to piss or get off the pot!

TiaraBoo · 03/02/2023 12:08

He then said that he wants to explore a bit and experience having sex with other women before he gets married and has kids.

So is he breaking up with you?

GatherlyGal · 03/02/2023 12:10

I think he's angling for you to tell him it's ok - go shag about and still be in a relationship.

No thanks