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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband cheating with his co-worker who is 21

98 replies

Thatgirlcat · 01/02/2023 21:52

My husband and I have been married for almost 6 years, he’s 34 and I’m 27. We both work for the NHS, in the same hospital and I recently found out he is cheating on me with a 21 year old. He is a band 6, soon to be band 7 and she is a health care assistant.

Is there anything I can do about it, based on the fact we all work in the same hospital which is quite small. It just frustrates me that he’s applying for band 7 and progressing with his life, whilst laughing in my face about it. Also the girl he’s cheating on knows he’s married with young children!

OP posts:
cilary · 01/02/2023 21:55

This could be a bit outing op just a heads up.

If you have proof of it all why would you want to stay with him?

katieg03 · 01/02/2023 21:56

You could ask ti be transferred but your employer will absolutely not get involved unless there is for example bullying or harassment in the workplace

Feliciacat · 01/02/2023 21:57

You would be surprised what HR can find online and screenshot for use in disciplinaries. I would advise reposting without saying NHS or banding or the term healthcare assistant.

1Wanda1 · 01/02/2023 21:58

Sorry this is happening to you. Awful. I think it's more of a husband issue than a workplace issue though. Have you spoken to him about it?

ShakespearesBlister · 01/02/2023 21:59

What you could do about it is start divorce proceedings.

mumyes · 01/02/2023 22:07

So sorry op.

Zanatdy · 01/02/2023 22:07

I doubt HR would be interested in all honestly. Morally wrong but I don’t think he’s breached any rules in his job. Channel your anger towards the divorce

Dotcheck · 01/02/2023 22:11

What do you expect work to do? I’m sure people already know and have already jumped to the correct conclusion that they are both assholes.
Have you left him? Can you change hospitals?

LadyHarmby · 01/02/2023 22:11

I think you need to redirect your attention to ending the marriage and rebuilding your life.

thepatronsaintofbubblewrap · 01/02/2023 22:13

I'm so sorry, this must be devastating!

itsthefinalcountdown1 · 01/02/2023 22:17

Wth does his banding at work have to do with him cheating? 🤔

Dreammakerflower · 01/02/2023 22:19

Definitely agree with everyone posting above.

Also

Isn't it better that he progress to a higher pay, so that if you divorce him at least he'll be able to contribute a decent CM.

MrsCarson · 01/02/2023 22:22

itsthefinalcountdown1 · 01/02/2023 22:17

Wth does his banding at work have to do with him cheating? 🤔

He's in a position of power as a band 7 in comparison to her band 2 I assume that is part of the problem.
Take him to the cleaners and hold your head high OP.

Hairyfairy01 · 01/02/2023 22:24

Do they work in the same department / ward? If so I can't see management being too happy about it and one may have to be moved, or at least put on opposite shifts.

IWillBeWaxingAnOwl · 01/02/2023 22:25

Its only relevant to work if: he is in a position of supervision in relation to her (eg is her line manager, supervisor, a team lead in the same team), if she feels his behaviour towards her is inappropriate (eg harassment), if their behaviour towards you is bullying/harassment, or if they are behaving inappropriately together at work (eg breaking employee conduct rules). Outside that, its devastating for you but not relevant for your workplace. Im so sorry, @Thatgirlcat .

Deathbyfluffy · 01/02/2023 22:26

The work bit sucks, but is irrelevant - perhaps apply to be moved if you don’t want to see him / them.

Just get divorced and be proud you have the high ground - ignore the usual ‘take him to the cleaners’ nonsense and just try to split things amicably without solicitors taking 50% of everything in fees.

ChatInMyFlat · 01/02/2023 22:38

You leave him.

NewFriday · 01/02/2023 22:40

I can't see a work issue unless he manages her and even then it would depend on the code of conduct.

CoorieIn · 01/02/2023 22:45

You would be surprised what HR can find online and screenshot for use in disciplinaries

Speaking on behalf of HR people, we don't do this. We don't care if you post online about your husband shagging around and happen to name a very non specific workplace.

Icanflyhigh · 01/02/2023 22:46

This isn't a work issue, this is a husband issue. Get your ducks in a row, and your evidence and take him to the cleaners.

PeachesPudding · 01/02/2023 23:17

One of my very senior colleagues had an affair with a junior in his team. His wife wrote a letter of complaint to our CEO about the company’s poor values. There was a disciplinary. He got a final warning and half his bonus got docked!! Very sensitive environment about the company culture and family values and presumably kept her off twitter etc. She did make a public show of the infidelity, including a moving company delivering all of the guy’s belongings in boxes from home to the office (including a rowing machine 😂) but the company’s name was kept out of the press.

Not sure if the NHS would have the same involvement from a brand perspective.

Teaandtoast3 · 01/02/2023 23:20

You could speak to your manager? If they are directly working together it could be seen as misuse of power. Unfortunately though I very much doubt anything will be done. Best to get your ducks in a row and leave OP. Is he a nurse? Not in keeping with nursing values really.

GoodVibesHere · 01/02/2023 23:22

Surely the NHS has enough to deal with, aside from getting involved in staff marriage issues?

Concentrate on leaving him OP.

Dottielottie123 · 01/02/2023 23:46

If they have been using working hours/site to conduct the affair then it definitely will be taken further with HR. If they have been meeting out of work, not so much I doubt. Do you know the answer to this? So sorry OP, what a complete pig. She was a teenager two years ago, use that thought and anger to wipe the floor with him in your divorce, keep every shred of evidence and take him for every penny you can

BadNomad · 02/02/2023 00:18

Is he in a position of power over her? Supervisor, mentor, manager. Anything like that?