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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband cheating with his co-worker who is 21

98 replies

Thatgirlcat · 01/02/2023 21:52

My husband and I have been married for almost 6 years, he’s 34 and I’m 27. We both work for the NHS, in the same hospital and I recently found out he is cheating on me with a 21 year old. He is a band 6, soon to be band 7 and she is a health care assistant.

Is there anything I can do about it, based on the fact we all work in the same hospital which is quite small. It just frustrates me that he’s applying for band 7 and progressing with his life, whilst laughing in my face about it. Also the girl he’s cheating on knows he’s married with young children!

OP posts:
Hawkins002 · 02/02/2023 00:26

Just shows that even kids and a wedding ring don't prevent some from cheating

discobrain · 02/02/2023 00:45

You leave him

And

🎶🎵I hope his genitals rot off🎵🎶

🌺

JustJamie5 · 02/02/2023 02:40

NHS employs over a million people, if you’re going to name an employer it’s probably one of the least outing! And I’m assuming HR have other stuff keeping them busy…. Doubt NHS budgets stretch to HR internet stalking employees.

If this impacts on you at work maybe tell your manager (they may notice if you seem down etc). However I’d only tell them for ‘you’ and not in any way for him - your and his employment is separate, even if you work in the same place try to approach this like you don’t (if he worked at b&q and the same thing happened, your work could be effected etc). By keeping the focus on you at work you avoid looking like you’re bitter/out to ‘get him’/etc… and that could help you through this (be strong, focus on your worth not his… try to not let the bitter feeling eat you up. If you feel bitter try to not act on it because it can grow)

Aside from that, it sounds like you need to decide if you want him in your life & in what way.

Opentooffers · 02/02/2023 02:49

What you can do about it, is divorce him and be able to claim more maintenance off him as his wages will be higher, so that's a good thing.
Then you could chose to spread the word about it yourself, because I really doubt he'd be laughing himself if everyone knew. People would be laughing at him being so shallow and pathetic. So don't hide it, let the rumour mill do its worst on this one.

GoodChat · 02/02/2023 02:52

I'd separate and start looking for jobs elsewhere.

Terraria · 02/02/2023 03:42

Hawkins002 · 02/02/2023 00:26

Just shows that even kids and a wedding ring don't prevent some from cheating

How many times we see these incidents happened on NM, especially those with high earnings with authority. Always much younger too, they want different things from each other.

kateandme · 02/02/2023 04:13

hes a disgusting pig.
do you feel it will impact your work.
can you hold you grace and keep going.
others will see him a prick op.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/02/2023 05:02

What do you mean, "What can you do about it?"

Chuck him out and start divorce proceedings. This has nothing to do with who is on whatever 'band' at work and nothing to do with work full stop.

Mariposa26 · 02/02/2023 05:42

CoorieIn · 01/02/2023 22:45

You would be surprised what HR can find online and screenshot for use in disciplinaries

Speaking on behalf of HR people, we don't do this. We don't care if you post online about your husband shagging around and happen to name a very non specific workplace.

this! What do people think working in HR is?!

Shoxfordian · 02/02/2023 05:45

I hope you’re divorcing him

Everybodywants · 02/02/2023 05:49

Sorry to hear this OP. Lots of people saying save evidence of the affair for the divorce, the fact he cheated will have absolutely no influence on the divorce or the financial settlement at all.

Original poster
Thatgirlcat · 02/02/2023 05:50

They both work on the same ward. He is currently a band 6, but soon to become ward manager, so yes he is part of the management team. I know the hospital probably don’t care, it just bothers me that he is in a position of power and abusing it in a way

OP posts:
DrMarciaFieldstone · 02/02/2023 05:57

From your other threads, it sounds like you left him over six months ago as you weren’t happy, has he had this gf the whole time?

I think cracking on with the divorce is the best thing, as PP have said, then you can get on with your life.

SD1978 · 02/02/2023 06:22

I don't thik they'd see it as an abuse of power, unfortunately. I know you're upset, but an adult male is sleeping with an adult female- and in health care it's not unusual to sleep with people you work with, like any other workplace. He's not her direct supervisor, she's not a child. Is there anywhere else you could look for work? Any ward I've ever worked in there was no issue/ rules about sleeping with each other if different bands.

SD1978 · 02/02/2023 06:23

And more to the point- leave the absolute bastard!

RumandSpinach · 02/02/2023 06:30

Senior management would definitely care if he was having a relationship with a very junior member of staff, especially if he's going for a ward manager job.

I would share what's happening and ask that in light of it you would like to transfer to another hospital. And LTB, obviously.

RumandSpinach · 02/02/2023 06:34

SD1978 · 02/02/2023 06:22

I don't thik they'd see it as an abuse of power, unfortunately. I know you're upset, but an adult male is sleeping with an adult female- and in health care it's not unusual to sleep with people you work with, like any other workplace. He's not her direct supervisor, she's not a child. Is there anywhere else you could look for work? Any ward I've ever worked in there was no issue/ rules about sleeping with each other if different bands.

If he's going to be the ward manager he will be her line manager and will planning her shifts, leave, arranging her supervision.. it would be pretty toxic for the culture of the ward.

WandaWonder · 02/02/2023 06:35

Heaps of people meet at work, i presume there is certain laws that mean staff/customer, witness/police officer type thing may occur

But generally what do you expect HR to do?

Op if someone said to you "did you hear John is having an affair with Jane?" and you ate neither what would you say or do?

follyfoot37 · 02/02/2023 06:39

Feliciacat · 01/02/2023 21:57

You would be surprised what HR can find online and screenshot for use in disciplinaries. I would advise reposting without saying NHS or banding or the term healthcare assistant.

Get a grip! This is hardly the only case in the nhs where workers cannot keep out of each others underwear despite already having family commitments
Could be any number of organisations in the country.
But I would bet my pension that this is in a mental health orxsecure unit

Sunriseinwonderland · 02/02/2023 06:43

This has happened twice in my nhs unit. Both blokes are despised. Divorce him and make him take the kids 50%. That should cool his ardour. It's hard to have a romance with small kids screaming round the house.
Our managers weren't interested.

Maryquitecontrary55 · 02/02/2023 06:48

I know this is generally frowned upon but I'd probably kick him in the crotch.

silverclock222 · 02/02/2023 06:59

Why does, what it seems like, everyone who works for NHS feel the need to add this to their posts? I know, missing point of thread totally. .....

Butchyrestingface · 02/02/2023 07:20

Are you hoping that he will lose his job? Why would you want this? If you're leaving him (which presumably you ARE), surely you want him to be able to afford to move out of the family home and pay a decent amount of maintenance?

hungerganes · 02/02/2023 07:24

I think gossip in his ward about his affair is more damaging than approaching HR directly. Do it carefully so that you're not accused of bullying, come at it from the angle of the devastated, side blinded wife with young children. Don't say anything mean about her though even though it's tempting. I'd talk about it at break, all upset making sure the office gossip is in earshot or something like this.

Don't they say that NHS and medical sector have loads of cheaters? nurses and doctors and all? I think schools the same.

GreenBiscuitr · 02/02/2023 07:26

I'd confront her & chuck him out.

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