Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband cheating with his co-worker who is 21

98 replies

Thatgirlcat · 01/02/2023 21:52

My husband and I have been married for almost 6 years, he’s 34 and I’m 27. We both work for the NHS, in the same hospital and I recently found out he is cheating on me with a 21 year old. He is a band 6, soon to be band 7 and she is a health care assistant.

Is there anything I can do about it, based on the fact we all work in the same hospital which is quite small. It just frustrates me that he’s applying for band 7 and progressing with his life, whilst laughing in my face about it. Also the girl he’s cheating on knows he’s married with young children!

OP posts:
Moveoverdarlin · 02/02/2023 09:27

I don’t understand why you’re even mentioning work or what bands you are all in. I don’t think work is the issue. The issue is your husband is being unfaithful to you and your young family. Take it up with him.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 02/02/2023 09:30

If OP did leave him months ago, then all this is is her ex has a new younger gf.

Time to divorce and move on.

Stravaig · 02/02/2023 09:34

My husband and I have been married for almost 6 years ...
I recently found out he is cheating on me with a 21 year old.

What is this really about, OP?
PP are right, in another thread you were already separated last June.

acquiescence · 02/02/2023 09:37

For everyone saying ‘I’m not sure why it’s relevant they work together’- most NHS trusts have clear guidance on relationships at work. If you are managing a shift and delegating work then you will be influenced by being in a relationship with someone and this can impact on care.

My husband and I were band 5 nurses when we got together, however because each of us would be responsible for delegation of work and shift planning at different times, as soon as we told our manager one of us was moved the actual same day to work elsewhere. It is incredibly inappropriate for a ward manager to be in a relationship with a support worker (or any other member of the team).

Thesenderofthiscard · 02/02/2023 09:44

I would confront him and dump him. You're young, still time to get on with a new partner and your career...

Want to keep him? Confront him and tell him to make a choice, and see if you can forgive him.
Or dump him. Start focusing on your own career, and your child. Find someone else.
As for the girl, she's young, she probably doesn't give a stuff that he's married - love trumps everything etc. or he's telling her all kinds of crap about you and your relationship ( my wife doesn't understand me like you do, I wish I was single, I'm going to leave her, we don't have sex etc etc)

Mimi212 · 02/02/2023 09:56

Hi,

My boyfriend and I got pregnant very early in the relationship (2 months in). We were getting on alright but during my second trimester we started arguing a lot, breaking up and making up again. Once the baby was borne we continued arguing and it got too much that he left the house we were staying at.

Now he's living at another house and we are still very traumatised and heartbroken by all the arguments. I'm at a place where I want to try again but he's saying he doesn't know where to begin to try again after so many issues.

Any advice on how to move on from it? I never thought I'd be a single parent and I don't know how to be happy alone with my baby. I can find joy in the little moments but I don't know how to move on having to take care of our baby.

EyesOnThePies · 02/02/2023 09:57

Oh bloody hell OP, so sorry.

FFS, these men. What a tosser he is being.

Look after you, you, your kids and you. Decide what you want to do wrt your marriage, and staying in the same team if it brings you in proximity to him / her. If you make a go of it, insist he moves wards or departments.

Position yourself as best you can for your own promotions, and as other PPs have said, he’ll need income to make the best child maintenance contributions… so be careful what you wish for if you wreck his career.

Will his promotion make it harder for him to do his share of parenting? Don’t let him use you and your childcare as a stepping stone to his own success. Make it clear that whatever he has done to trash his wedding vows he is still a parent and needs to meet his responsibilities.

Whydidimarryhim · 02/02/2023 09:58

Report it to HR and the manager above him - it’s not on appropriate as far as I was aware in the NHS - one of them will need to move. He’s a skum bag - I’m sorry - I hope you have real life support.

CornishGem1975 · 02/02/2023 10:00

I mean, with fairness to the OP, even if you're separated in the eyes of the law it is still adultery as they are still married.

DeskChair · 02/02/2023 10:25

There is no ban on meeting people and having relationships at work in the NHS. Patients absolutely off the table though.
I think you need to redirect your anger to divorcing him and leaving him. It’s shit.

DeskChair · 02/02/2023 10:25

@Mimi212 maybe start your own thread so you get replies? Your post will get lost in this post.

orangegato · 02/02/2023 10:35

Not sure your work can legislate who fucks who? It’s something you need to deal with with your husband in the first instance…

nc1013 · 02/02/2023 10:48

Thatgirlcat · 02/02/2023 05:50

They both work on the same ward. He is currently a band 6, but soon to become ward manager, so yes he is part of the management team. I know the hospital probably don’t care, it just bothers me that he is in a position of power and abusing it in a way

Personally I'd be more focussed on how my partner is treating ME than any abuse of power in work.

Have you ended it and kicked him out? I'd then report it in work, tell them you no longer feel able to work with either individual and tell them exactly why....

Rosscameasdoody · 02/02/2023 10:50

Thatgirlcat · 02/02/2023 05:50

They both work on the same ward. He is currently a band 6, but soon to become ward manager, so yes he is part of the management team. I know the hospital probably don’t care, it just bothers me that he is in a position of power and abusing it in a way

The hospital may well care in this situation. I think individual trusts have their own policies re relationships at work so it’s worth checking what the policy is for yours, because most will require personal relationships to be reported where they can cause conflict in the workplace. Working in the same department is a conflict - your husband is part of the management team and it sounds as though this woman reports to him. So they need to disclose the relationship so that one or the other can be moved to avoid problems in line management.

I agree with others though - I think you’d be better putting your energy into getting yourself and your children sorted. Have you told him that you know what’s going on yet ? So sorry - this is such a shit situation for you.

saturdaymorningbored · 02/02/2023 11:06

Have you left him op?
Are thru having an affair or are they now a couple because you've split up?

Mari9999 · 02/02/2023 11:09

Why would you want to bring your employer into your personal business? Why does it matter that she is 21? Would you be happier if she were 31? He would still be cheating.

She has no obligation to respect your marriage. He is the one who has the obligation to respect your marriage, and he is not doing so.

Do you want to keep him? If so you need to communicate with him about the terms under which you are willing to stay. If you no longer wish to be married to a cheater, then you should consult a lawyer.

Your grievance is not with the woman. She owes you nothing. She did not make any vows with you. She did not make any commitment to you. Your grievance is with your cheating spouse. The age of the woman makes no difference in this scenario.

In your situation, I would not bring this sordid information to my employer. If there is a power imbalance situation between the woman and your husband, this might trigger a sexual harassment complaint against your husband He could possibly lose his job and compromise his ability to find another job. That would possibly impact his ability to contribute to the support of his children

9thFloorNightmare · 02/02/2023 11:12

divorce

Discontinued · 02/02/2023 11:26

He sounds like a total shit bag. So sorry that you're going through this.

I'd at least speak to your line manager and ask for redeployment to another department or hospital.

Different trusts have different policies regarding this. But I think letting your manager know would be the first course of action.

Karma will bite him and her in the arse.

Unfortunately there's very little you can do except hold your head up high and distance yourself as much as possible

PinkyFlamingo · 02/02/2023 12:47

Are you still together?

Back2Back2t · 02/02/2023 12:57

PinkyFlamingo · 02/02/2023 12:47

Are you still together?

They've separated, OP's marriage has been rocky for a long time. She just want him to lose his job out of spite I guess because she's angry.
Not sure why she's referring to him as husband again instead of STBEXH unless she took him back again.

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 02/02/2023 15:02

Zanatdy · 01/02/2023 22:07

I doubt HR would be interested in all honestly. Morally wrong but I don’t think he’s breached any rules in his job. Channel your anger towards the divorce

I agree
It happens all the time

I've worked for 3 different trusts and HR aren't interested in peoples personal lives

Just leave him to it and move forward and apply for band 6/7/8 jobs yourself

Rosscameasdoody · 02/02/2023 16:27

Mari9999 · 02/02/2023 11:09

Why would you want to bring your employer into your personal business? Why does it matter that she is 21? Would you be happier if she were 31? He would still be cheating.

She has no obligation to respect your marriage. He is the one who has the obligation to respect your marriage, and he is not doing so.

Do you want to keep him? If so you need to communicate with him about the terms under which you are willing to stay. If you no longer wish to be married to a cheater, then you should consult a lawyer.

Your grievance is not with the woman. She owes you nothing. She did not make any vows with you. She did not make any commitment to you. Your grievance is with your cheating spouse. The age of the woman makes no difference in this scenario.

In your situation, I would not bring this sordid information to my employer. If there is a power imbalance situation between the woman and your husband, this might trigger a sexual harassment complaint against your husband He could possibly lose his job and compromise his ability to find another job. That would possibly impact his ability to contribute to the support of his children

Not sure I agree with you - the woman isn’t blameless, what about a moral obligation ? This woman knew he was married with young kids and presumably knows his wife as she works in the same small hospital. Pretty shitty thing to do in my book. And not sure about not reporting the affair because of the line management reporting thing. It’s a small hospital and I would think that word will get out eventually. I don’t see how the woman can claim sexual harassment if they’re having an affair, and if they don’t report, the husband could potentially get into just as much trouble from the conflict of interest point of view. I wouldn’t report it myself if I was the OP, but I’d expect him to.

Rosscameasdoody · 02/02/2023 16:31

Stravaig · 02/02/2023 09:34

My husband and I have been married for almost 6 years ...
I recently found out he is cheating on me with a 21 year old.

What is this really about, OP?
PP are right, in another thread you were already separated last June.

Could it be that she’s just found out it was going on before they separated ?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page