Am I being ridiculous - a little perspective please, wise women

[RunningInTheFamily]

I've been seeing a guy for a very short while, started messaging before Christmas and met up shortly after. We've had 4 dates.
During this time, I've heard all about the celebrity women he fancies. Quite a lot. Not really relevant to bring up really I don't think, but I'm happy to be told I'm being silly.

One instance we were messaging about our evening and he said he was watching a film with a particular actress in it and said "oh shit, it looks like I've got a thing for X again!" Which I thought was odd. Another he's spoken about several times. Last night was a pretty big gush about this woman. So I said "yes, I get you like her, you've told me before" he then went on (as if trying to persuade me to agree almost) to talk about how much of an amazing actress she is, how he really respects her work/music and generally how amazing she is.

We sort of had words about it, because while I completely understand everyone finds other people attractive, it's not really something I'd like to hear this often after such a short time! It made me feel a bit shit.

He does compliment me, but this talking about female celebs has just got to me. I don't have the best opinion of myself physically and he knows this.

Am I being an idiot? Please be honest .

In such a new relationship, he should be making his priority YOU! Apart from the psychological war games going on with this celebrity worship, why would you want to entertain spending valuable time with a man who has the personality of a brick. He dreams after these unattainable celebrity women because they are not real, and just a fantasy in his head. They will never doing anything wrong because they are fictional characters paid to portray a certain role. It means he is not emotionally open to a real relationship with a real woman, and if he got to mid-life in that state then he probably won't change. He is getting on your nerves now...imagine yourself 2-5 years from now stuck in a tiny caravan with him for hours, pouring with rain outside and nothing to do...apart from listen to him whittering on about his latest crush. Run, and run fast...the hills await and they promise to restore your self esteem to the point where you resist dating a dullard like him again.

It's a bit concerning that you don't trust your own judgement and your bar is so low that you can't tell his behaviour should be considered out of order.
There's a difference between mentioning 1 person in passing when relevant to convesation at the time and unsolicited drooling over multiple women like he does. Its not a case of jealousy, its just crass, rude, objectification and is a reflection of his poor attitude to women really. It's his problem to be left alone with.

He sounds really immature, not someone I would consider a potential relationship with

Ew!! Not only is this really disrespectful do you not find yourself wondering if he’s actually a 14 yr old girl in disguise? My 16yo wouldn’t be so cringeworthy and fawning over a celebrity. He sounds juvenile and boring!

Get rid, you can do better.

I watched a programme late last night with the actor Emily Atak talking about the absolutely disgusting messages she gets sent on social media, often from older men one particularly awful one called himself “Daddy Dave”. She was talking to teenage girls, campaigners, a man’s group and even the police the programme was interesting if that is the right word to use. But anyhow lots of sad older guys sending dick pics and revolting sexual threats to basically any younger woman including 11 and 12 year old girls just because they could. Your date sounds a prize example of someone who would do this sort of thing.

No male eye candy you could take note of and gush over in the movies you're watching? I'd be tempted to do that just to annoy him, and then dump the idiot.

@skippymcflippy @LuckyPeonies

I think these two posts have nailed 👌 it in one,

Ditch this one ,he is incredibly immature

too,

Throw him back into the sea,

He really is no great loss in theGoo big scheme of life...that's for sure.

Have you dumped him yet?

Mentioning that you find a certain actor / actress attractive isn’t an issue, but what he’s doing is overkill, and it’s the fact that he keeps reiterating jt over and over. Gives me the ick just thinking about it 🤮

AYBU for not wanting to date a man you find rude, boring and immature?

Er, no. It's called having standards.

No you've not. it's been 4 dates. Get rid and don't over-analyse it.

He’s disgusting. He’s triangulating. Doesn’t matter if it’s a celeb, a fantasy- it’s triangulation. To the trash with him.
chances are If something makes you uncomfortable, it’s a red flag for you, so definitely good listening to your gut!

just yuck. It’s a form of negging and it’s so ridiculously immature and basically rooted in insecurity.

Is he 15?

You wish you were being silly so you could continue to date a dull, boring, limited, disrespectful man?

OK

And yes @barmycatmum I agree

What is Narcissist's Triangulation. Triangulation is considered a form of emotional abuse that can occur in any relationship. Your covert narcissistic partner may pull in a third person into your toxic relationship to create conflicts between the two of you so they can manipulate and take advantage of you.

My Ex used to do this.
It made me feel so sad . He works say - I’m only talking about a celebrity- she is fit - grow up !’
I honestly have no idea why I put up with it .

Of course many women and men are gorgeous but I found the need for him to tell me this so annoying.
I found it unkind.
He was no oil painting and I can see now he was trying to make me feel insecure.

What 40 year old man tells there partner - she is well sexy . I love watching her films.
I think you should keep it in your head. I don’t need to say - brad pit is so so fit every time I see him on TV!

He's testing your boundaries to see how much crap you'll take before you walk away

I have the ick on your behalf. Just dump him.

I had the same but in reverse. My ex of about 20 years ago would constantly go on about how hot he found certain celebs, all blonde, tall and Amazonian- he even went so far as to tell me how much I wasn’t his type! I was small, petite, and brunette. Objectively now I can see I was way out of his league- it’s amazing the hindsight that 20 years gives you! I worked on TV commercials at the time and people would regularly assume I was ‘the talent’; he was a short, dumpy man in his 40s with a beer belly and male pattern baldness! I thought it was my insecurities making me feel bad, and that I needed to work on myself. With hindsight his comments were designed (whether consciously or not) to keep me in my place and make sure my already fragile self esteem never improved. It’s classic negging and narcissistic triangulation. After I left he met someone who looked just like me- so much so that my friends all commented on it! He wanted to repeat the pattern all over again I guess…
Your BF is behaving like this and you’re still in honeymoon period! He’s testing your boundaries to see what you’ll put up with. Please believe me it only ever gets worse. And trying to put your self esteem back together after years of this is exhausting. Please throw this one back, you deserve so, so much better.

I think I do need to clarify that it's not ALL the time he's on about these women, but given we've actually only met 4 times, it is odd for me to know so quickly who floats his boat.

Sounds juvenile, tone-deaf and puerile. Don't waste any more time on him.

I'm assuming he's probably smart enough not to do it all the time, if he did you'd have run a mile. Which actually suggests to me that on some level he is is aware of what he's doing. You're still at the getting to know each other stage, so it looks like he's discreetly prodding your boundaries to see what you'll put up with.

Women are socialised to minimise or excuse men's bad behaviour as a lack of awareness, or bad social skills, or 'its not so bad because he's not like it all of the time', but as people so often say on MN women are not rehabilitation centres for badly socialised men. I know it's hard when you like someone, but this really isn't normal or healthy behaviour for someone that has only met you 4 times.

It sounds so pathetic and offputting, as well, @RunningInTheFamily - I wouldn't want to be on dates with someone like this. I was guilty of this myself, once. I drove a guy I was dating nuts with talking about Jared Leto. I have the excuse of being 17 years old at the time though. I feel cringe about it.

I'm the same age as this guy you are seeing and I grew out of it over 20 years ago.

A throwaway comment of 'oh I had/have a crush on her' - fine. Several comments, messaging you to tell you about it and then arguing with you about whether or not it's appropriate to find women half his age attractive - not fine.

Yes I would say he's being very insensitive. Tell him that it upsets you and needs to stop, or you'll give him the elbow! Only once I told my ex I have a weird crush for Joan Cusack! We both laughed when she said she kinda fancies Rory Stuart MP. Other than that if he keeps doing this it's a red flag. He has a wondering eye!