Any advice for getting over this infatuation?

[SomedayMyPain]

I'm not here for judgement. I know I did a shitty thing. But I really need help getting over it.

He loves his wife. He always has. There was never any doubt about that. I have no intention of ending my marriage.

He's ended it but it was the right thing to do. I just wasn't strong enough to be the one to let go.

Right now I feel like the sun shines out his arse and I hate it. He's perfect. Everything I want. Even though I'm well aware these are just feelings. A fantasy. I got the best of him. The good side he wanted to show me, unflawed. I have no doubt if we were to live together things would very quickly go downhill. That's aside from all the trauma we'd cause our families. I obviously wouldn't ever trust him not to cheat on me.

I've tried to be level-headed about the whole thing from the start. He made me feel good. He made me feel special. But I always held on to the fact that it was just a bit of fun between us and there was never any doubt that it wouldn't ever go further.

I was doing ok. Had a little cry at the time but have tried to pick myself up. Keep busy. Focus on the kids. Exercise. But now I don't know what's happened to me. Last night I got really upset and cried for ages. It all just came flooding out. And again this morning, had permanent tears in my eyes and I feel like I want to cry all the time. I went for a run to try and clear my head but again, was just running with tears streaming down my face. I feel really out of control of my emotions.

I know this is the consequences of my actions. And I do deserve this pain I'm feeling. I know over time it will get better. But what do I do for now? I can't be moping around, randomly bursting into tears all the time. I need to be a Mum and a wife and to do that I need to keep my shit together.

Firstly - no judgement from me on this situation. A break up is a break up. No need to justify what you have done, either, or the reasons why. You're an adult.

First things first - is this upset over losing him, or the feeling of being rejected? I suspect the latter, as realistically you knew this would never develop into something serious.

For now, feel what you need to feel, accept that this chapter has closed and focus your energies on some self reflection & your family xxx

It’s very sad. We don’t always get to keep our dreams. I’m really sorry and I feel for you.

It will be ok, but it is very sad. :(

If you think you deserve the pain, you yourself are judging, whilst recognising that judging isn't what you need at the moment.

Accept that you feel bad, look after yourself, stay away from him, and wait.

This won't be your whole life. You won't be 70 and still pining for him.

Make yourself feel good and special, and you won't need the distraction of him as much. 'You deserve to be in pain' isn't going to make anybody feel good or special, is it?

You stopped ‘being a wife’ the moment you had an affair.

Well no, she didnt. She made a decision as an adult which many, many other people make every day. But she is still a wife. Perhaps it doesn't align with your own morals, but she is still married and hence still a wife.

Thoughts and prayers xx

Sometimes we just love someone we are never meant to be with. Simple as that. The end of this fling has ended your fantasy of a better happier life. I would look honestly at what you have , your dh and lifestyle and look for things you can improve as it seems you must be lacking something in life if you felt the need to go elsewhere.

I can tell by the way you write about this that you're sitting round musing on it endlessly, trying to write it as a romantic story in your head, using the excuse of remorse and guilt to think about him even more.

Bluntly, you need to stop thinking about him and stop wallowing in guilt.

I was possibly a bit blunt, but this how I read it, so it doesn’t come across to me as OP trying to be an active member of their own family, rather regretting a missed opportunity.

I'm well aware these are just feelings

Don't your feelings matter then? Because if they're so unimportant that they can be dismissed in this way, then just dismiss the fact that you feel bad, now. If you can't do that, you might have to start being a bit more respectful of how you feel. It's actually quite important, isn't it?

OP still has a husband, so this isn't the case in the slightest.

Is your marriage salvageable? As in, why did you have the affair? Can it be fixed?

Thanks for your replies. I think I need to accept its going to take time and there's no quick fix :(

I'm upset because I miss him. I'm sad that I met such an amazing person and now he's not going to be in my life anymore. Knowing he's not even going to be there at the end of the phone anymore fills me with such overwhelming dread. I suppose I feel abandoned.

I have the perfect life on paper so I just need to focus on that. Be grateful for all the things I do have.

I feel sorry for your husband and children that you spend so much time and emotional energy pining over your lover boy. Full of self-pity with not an ounce of remorse.

If he loves his wife what was he doing with you?

If this is a fresh breakup you'll be over it in no time.

I think there are lots of websites for cheaters. Maybe you move on and try there?

“I'm upset because I miss him. I'm sad that I met such an amazing person and now he's not going to be in my life anymore. Knowing he's not even going to be there at the end of the phone anymore fills me with such overwhelming dread. I suppose I feel abandoned.”

But he’s not such an amazing person, is he? He’s just an ordinary person who’s willing to cheat on his wife and cuckold a husband.

As you said yourself, you showed each other your best sides. That’s easily done when you’re not going through the daily grind together. When you can only snatch illicit times together, of course your feelings of longing and attraction and the related excitement are heightened. In those circumstances, since you were both willing to act on the attraction (and I speak as someone whose marriage has been open in the past so I get the desire to sleep with others, I really do) your spouses didn’t stand a chance against the shiny new affair partners.

This is what you truly need to realise. He’s no more amazing or special than your H and you’re no more amazing or special than his wife. You’re each just shiny and new to each other. And that feeling will pass - and pass all the quicker if you focus on your DH and your marriage.

More double standards on mumsnet what a surprise lol

You have a "perfect life on paper" but you went ahead and cheated on your husband, anyway? Don't you think you need to work out what the problem is in your marriage and household? There's obviously a problem somewhere. Or maybe the problem is in you. A person without such problems I don't think has a need or desire to cheat on and – presumably – lie to their spouse.

So may sympathetic responses. I wonder if it was the male love interest posting if posters would be as sweet and supportive?

God people are dicks. Ignore the martyrs.
You are in pain, you have every right to feel upset. As a pp put this is a breakup, like any other.
I would take this chance to re-look at your marriage. Was this just the butterflies that you get in a new relationship or was this a real connection that you felt which you don't feel with your DH? If you don't feel connected to your husband then I would consider ending it. Otherwise you'll forever be mourning what could have been.

@anexcellentwoman I would. I don't think we're supposed to be in one relationship for the whole of our lives. People change. Grow apart. You can't really blame people for finding a connection with someone.

Here here.

Do you mind if I quote you @WillsandKatesDivorcePartyDJ when a female poster is upset when her husband has an affair? So many supportive posts on here for a woman that has had an affair. Posts are always so different and indignant and angry when it is a man that has an affair.

@anexcellentwoman you do what you like.