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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Any advice for getting over this infatuation?

98 replies

SomedayMyPain · 29/01/2023 12:37

I'm not here for judgement. I know I did a shitty thing. But I really need help getting over it.

He loves his wife. He always has. There was never any doubt about that. I have no intention of ending my marriage.

He's ended it but it was the right thing to do. I just wasn't strong enough to be the one to let go.

Right now I feel like the sun shines out his arse and I hate it. He's perfect. Everything I want. Even though I'm well aware these are just feelings. A fantasy. I got the best of him. The good side he wanted to show me, unflawed. I have no doubt if we were to live together things would very quickly go downhill. That's aside from all the trauma we'd cause our families. I obviously wouldn't ever trust him not to cheat on me.

I've tried to be level-headed about the whole thing from the start. He made me feel good. He made me feel special. But I always held on to the fact that it was just a bit of fun between us and there was never any doubt that it wouldn't ever go further.

I was doing ok. Had a little cry at the time but have tried to pick myself up. Keep busy. Focus on the kids. Exercise. But now I don't know what's happened to me. Last night I got really upset and cried for ages. It all just came flooding out. And again this morning, had permanent tears in my eyes and I feel like I want to cry all the time. I went for a run to try and clear my head but again, was just running with tears streaming down my face. I feel really out of control of my emotions.

I know this is the consequences of my actions. And I do deserve this pain I'm feeling. I know over time it will get better. But what do I do for now? I can't be moping around, randomly bursting into tears all the time. I need to be a Mum and a wife and to do that I need to keep my shit together.

OP posts:
WillsandKatesDivorcePartyDJ · 30/01/2023 17:21

Mumsnet is a weird place. It will forgive women racking up huge debts, cutting of mother in laws for any reason at all, being spiteful to the point of cruel to stepchildren, vilifying first wives and the mothers of step children. But it cannot forgive affairs. It cannot forgive two people finding a connection, sharing intimacy and then making a pragmatic decision to end things. It cannot forgive people who meet someone later in life when they have already made a commitment to someone possibly decades ago, even though they may not even be the same person they were when they made that promise. This high school belief that you can only love one person and love only one type of way for the whole of your life. How can you know before children, before grief, before becoming comfortable in your skin that you will never find a connection with another person who isn't your spouse? How can any person ever know that? Perhaps it hasn't happened for you yet but one day it will.

HateandLove · 30/01/2023 21:21

@WillsandKatesDivorcePartyDJ

How can any person ever know that? Perhaps it hasn't happened for you yet but one day it will.

What an affair ?

Maybe it's not happened to you yet but there are many people who marry for life, till death do they part and it's not seen as a death sentence.

Infact most of the people I've known have been like this.
It's not inevitable that people have affairs.

Grincheynewyear · 30/01/2023 21:32

Willsandkate

i agree that you may fall for someone else and a relationship may not be for life. You may be attracted to other people. Or form a connection. So tell your partner immediately so they can join in the fun and get their own affair partner. Why do people keep it secret? Surely the husband or wife (after reading a bit of Ester Perel) will understand?

They hide it because it’s have your cake and eat it. They are playing to different rules (and sometimes accuse their innocent other half of cheating). They usually don’t want their spouse to do what they are doing.

Fairislefandango · 30/01/2023 22:06

Mumsnet is a weird place. It will forgive women racking up huge debts, cutting of mother in laws for any reason at all, being spiteful to the point of cruel to stepchildren, vilifying first wives and the mothers of step children. But it cannot forgive affairs.

I'm always a bit baffled by posts like this. Mumsnet is not a hive mind. Views on mothers-in law, debts, stepchildren etc are varied. Even views on affairs are varied to a certain extent, but no, people don't tend to be very sympathetic to cheaters unless there are major mitigating circumstances. Why should they be?

thefirstmrsrochester · 30/01/2023 22:18

Echoing the PP who said the quickest way to snap out of it is to tell your husband what you have been upto. You might actually wind up with more to cry about.

journeyofinsanity · 31/01/2023 05:23

WillsandKatesDivorcePartyDJ · 30/01/2023 17:21

Mumsnet is a weird place. It will forgive women racking up huge debts, cutting of mother in laws for any reason at all, being spiteful to the point of cruel to stepchildren, vilifying first wives and the mothers of step children. But it cannot forgive affairs. It cannot forgive two people finding a connection, sharing intimacy and then making a pragmatic decision to end things. It cannot forgive people who meet someone later in life when they have already made a commitment to someone possibly decades ago, even though they may not even be the same person they were when they made that promise. This high school belief that you can only love one person and love only one type of way for the whole of your life. How can you know before children, before grief, before becoming comfortable in your skin that you will never find a connection with another person who isn't your spouse? How can any person ever know that? Perhaps it hasn't happened for you yet but one day it will.

I agree it's weird. People vilify affairs with the level of vitriol and hate that borders on pathological with no awareness of the irony. They think nothing is worse than having an affair. I think being the sort of person that spouts bile of that magnitude is a pretty horrible personality trait in itself.

journeyofinsanity · 31/01/2023 05:26

Fairislefandango · 30/01/2023 22:06

Mumsnet is a weird place. It will forgive women racking up huge debts, cutting of mother in laws for any reason at all, being spiteful to the point of cruel to stepchildren, vilifying first wives and the mothers of step children. But it cannot forgive affairs.

I'm always a bit baffled by posts like this. Mumsnet is not a hive mind. Views on mothers-in law, debts, stepchildren etc are varied. Even views on affairs are varied to a certain extent, but no, people don't tend to be very sympathetic to cheaters unless there are major mitigating circumstances. Why should they be?

Because sometimes there are mitigating circumstances but I frequently read posters saying 'nope, there is never justification for an affair' and that sort of black and white belief is not intelligent or enlightened

Seadad · 31/01/2023 07:06

@journeyofinsanity - I think it's important NOT to confuse infidelity with monogamy. Yes, there are struggles to maintain a relationship with one person. And yes, some people escape an abusive or loveless relationship in the arms of another. But for the most part, infidelity entails deceit, gaslighting and emotional cruelty on an undeserving partner - sometimes for years. And the trauma of betrayal is deep and lasting and the impact on the psyche is similar to the trauma of violence. And many people here have suffered from it. It really doesn't mean they have unrealistic romantic expectations of marriage - which is something completely different.

Ivyleaguestoner · 31/01/2023 08:26

@Seadad if we just look at the OP, it doesn't sound like this has been going on for years. It sounds like they both made the decision to end it. OP knows this is the right decision, she's entitled to feel sad about it. If I gambled £500K or if I lost my kids due to drug use, I'd still be entitled to be sad about it. Human beings are complicated. I never thought I'd believe that you can love two people at once, you absolutely can, in the same way you can love two friendships, two parents, two children! I don't know why this is such a difficult concept to grasp.

Seadad · 31/01/2023 16:53

@Ivyleaguestoner - nothing I've said about the harm caused by infidelity means that it isn't emotionally traumatic to go through a break up.
However long OPs affair, its catastrophic for her marriage, her partner and her family - she ought to feel bad about it. But what she wants help with is overcoming her desire for her AP - not release from the pain from shitty behavior - but the pain of longing for the lost fantasy life she was enjoying. Like I said- it's an immature longing for escape to a cheating life, not an authentic life.
And yes - you can love any number of people. What you can't do is deceive them and betray their trust, because that is the foundation of every relationship, monogamous or polyamorous.

HateandLove · 31/01/2023 17:50

It sounds like they both made the decision to end it. OP knows this is the right decision, she's entitled to feel sad about it.

I would change the word entitled to expected.

Siameasy · 31/01/2023 22:28

Read Esther Perel’s The State of Affairs.

At the end of the day it’s a break up. Whatever is missing in your marriage you need to think about how you can move forward. I personally wouldn’t tell DH yet.

I wouldn’t judge either sex for forming an attachment to someone else. The simplistic thinking on here is tiresome. The sex forum on here is the only place where you can talk about the NB human construct of monogamy in an adult fashion without people losing their shit

hungerganes · 31/01/2023 23:32

It hurts that even after you showed him the best version of you, the one that is lustful, sexy, happy to see him, no drama about household chores or paying bills, he still would rather be with his wife than you. Let it sink in and when your children ask you can tell them you heard an old friend passed away or something.

Coolheadedbird · 01/02/2023 01:31

You got carried away. This is a reality check.

I think you are having a hard time letting go of emotions for yourself as much as for him. He made you feel good. Of course he did. Any man looking for a shag would go the extra mile.

If you are sensible you will recognise that you have issues with self esteem and you can not fix them with a person but through personal growth. Yours is not a tragic love story. It’s the classic script. You’re just too caught up in it to let go of the fairytale fantasy. The reality is harder to face. Because it hold none of the validation that gives life to yr self esteem.

journeyofinsanity · 01/02/2023 05:41

Why is everyone determined to paint men as some sort of lothario with the intention of snaring and shagging women. Men can equally be the ones who are smitten/seeking something for their self esteem/bored/unhappy and all the other things that women who have affairs can be. Women can be the ones seeking unfettered pleasure with no interest beyond that.

HateandLove · 01/02/2023 05:45

Grincheynewyear · 30/01/2023 21:32

Willsandkate

i agree that you may fall for someone else and a relationship may not be for life. You may be attracted to other people. Or form a connection. So tell your partner immediately so they can join in the fun and get their own affair partner. Why do people keep it secret? Surely the husband or wife (after reading a bit of Ester Perel) will understand?

They hide it because it’s have your cake and eat it. They are playing to different rules (and sometimes accuse their innocent other half of cheating). They usually don’t want their spouse to do what they are doing.

I do find it interesting how some people still hold onto that fairytail reaction when given the option of starting a relationship even when they know the male/female ap knows it won't go anywhere.

It I suppose it fits into the catagory of pastime if they know from the get go nothing will become of it, which I think is less common from the female side.

I think women go into affairs wanting to be saved in many cases and men go for exitement, different fairytales Cinderella versus James Bond.

HateandLove · 01/02/2023 06:02

journeyofinsanity · 01/02/2023 05:41

Why is everyone determined to paint men as some sort of lothario with the intention of snaring and shagging women. Men can equally be the ones who are smitten/seeking something for their self esteem/bored/unhappy and all the other things that women who have affairs can be. Women can be the ones seeking unfettered pleasure with no interest beyond that.

I see you've bought into the idea that certain women are in control.

How men love such women, women with no boundaries, morals, concience and no expectations.

The girlfriend experience .....

Which is great if there wasn't someone in the background getting the abusive nightmare experience.

Paperdolly · 01/02/2023 06:53

OP. Put this down to life’s experience and move on. Forget the comments from posters who seem to have never made mistakes of any degree. They wouldn’t understand anyway.

Coolheadedbird · 01/02/2023 07:39

I see you've bought into the idea that certain women are in control.

How men love such women, women with no boundaries, morals, concience and no expectations.

The girlfriend experience .....

Which is great if there wasn't someone in the background getting the abusive nightmare experience.

This is priceless. For once the girlfriend experience is over and affair in broad daylight both parties don’t look so attractive anymore because it’s not ILLICIT. I am actually loving the fact this is the case because no one deserves to be in the shadows. And I love it how the perfect live gets a reality check fast once yr hubby knows and does not respect you anymore. Worse once your kids know what mummy did and they grow up and know you were just a victim of your own yearnings and did not consider and out their well-being above yrs. I hope that brings a dose of reality to snap you out of your current state. Stop thinking of your sexual longing and how someone makes you feel special in your head, not in reality, but in your selfish single minded head. Be an adult and look after your responsibilities.

hungerganes · 01/02/2023 08:00

journeyofinsanity · 01/02/2023 05:41

Why is everyone determined to paint men as some sort of lothario with the intention of snaring and shagging women. Men can equally be the ones who are smitten/seeking something for their self esteem/bored/unhappy and all the other things that women who have affairs can be. Women can be the ones seeking unfettered pleasure with no interest beyond that.

That's not the blue print though. Casual emotions free sex doesn't genuinely work for most women. They end up getting hurt. All this fake 'sexual liberation' women can have sex like men did women a huge disservice and benefits men.

If he was smitten with op he wouldn't have left her. If she was capable of having unfettered pleasure with no interest beyond as you say then she wouldn't be devastated now.

I'm all for equality but it's not equality to just flip the roles or assume both sexes function and think the same. Men and women are different. There are the odd ones that behave out of the stereotype but most don't.

Coolheadedbird · 01/02/2023 08:57

If he was smitten with op he wouldn't have left her. If she was capable of having unfettered pleasure with no interest beyond as you say then she wouldn't be devastated now.

So true.

Nowthatlovehasperished · 03/02/2023 18:21

If this recent Op? Also, you say "at the end of the phone" doesn't this mean it was an online/emotional affair? If so and you haven't met in person, you must realise that it just escapism/fantasy for you both?

Nowthatlovehasperished · 03/02/2023 18:22

Sorry posted too soon!

And as you identify- an infatuation.

I know that you see him as an ideal - it's like a filter of sorts. Try and imagine the warts and all version.

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