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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Any advice for getting over this infatuation?

98 replies

SomedayMyPain · 29/01/2023 12:37

I'm not here for judgement. I know I did a shitty thing. But I really need help getting over it.

He loves his wife. He always has. There was never any doubt about that. I have no intention of ending my marriage.

He's ended it but it was the right thing to do. I just wasn't strong enough to be the one to let go.

Right now I feel like the sun shines out his arse and I hate it. He's perfect. Everything I want. Even though I'm well aware these are just feelings. A fantasy. I got the best of him. The good side he wanted to show me, unflawed. I have no doubt if we were to live together things would very quickly go downhill. That's aside from all the trauma we'd cause our families. I obviously wouldn't ever trust him not to cheat on me.

I've tried to be level-headed about the whole thing from the start. He made me feel good. He made me feel special. But I always held on to the fact that it was just a bit of fun between us and there was never any doubt that it wouldn't ever go further.

I was doing ok. Had a little cry at the time but have tried to pick myself up. Keep busy. Focus on the kids. Exercise. But now I don't know what's happened to me. Last night I got really upset and cried for ages. It all just came flooding out. And again this morning, had permanent tears in my eyes and I feel like I want to cry all the time. I went for a run to try and clear my head but again, was just running with tears streaming down my face. I feel really out of control of my emotions.

I know this is the consequences of my actions. And I do deserve this pain I'm feeling. I know over time it will get better. But what do I do for now? I can't be moping around, randomly bursting into tears all the time. I need to be a Mum and a wife and to do that I need to keep my shit together.

OP posts:
Emmamoo89 · 29/01/2023 18:11

I hope you're okay. Concentrate on your family and forget about him. X

bloodyeffinnora · 29/01/2023 18:54

you definitely need to go no contact and block him to heal quicker

Choconut · 29/01/2023 19:14

He's not perfect though, perfect people don't shag around behind their wife's back and you wouldn't be unable to ever trust them. You've built him up into this amazing person that he just isn't, you even know yourself that what he's shown you is what he chooses to show you. Would you think he was amazing if you were the wife and you found out he'd been having an affair?

I think you need to look at why you are so desperate for a fantasy like this, if you were genuinely happy in your life then I doubt you would have risked everything for something you knew wasn't going anywhere. You don't sound like him - like someone who just wanted to have their cake and eat it, to then discard them when you'd had your fill. You sound too desperate for that.

IMO you need to stop daydreaming about him, about what could have been if only things were different and take a long look at your own life and figure out what's wrong with it.

1Strawberrycat · 29/01/2023 19:16

Keep running! You realise this was an infatuation so you are halfway there already. It's difficult because it's seems so 'real' but in a couple of months or so you will be completely over it. In the meantime keep your head and keep busy. Take up hobbies (even if you don't enjoy them) take the kids out, do new things, keep yourself distracted. It's a process you have to go through. When you are overwhelmed with all the emotions running and crying is a great release. We are all allowed mistakes.

barmesunday · 29/01/2023 19:17

Why did he end it @SomedayMyPain ?

barmycatmum · 29/01/2023 19:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Isitthathardtobekind · 29/01/2023 19:38

SomedayMyPain · 29/01/2023 12:37

I'm not here for judgement. I know I did a shitty thing. But I really need help getting over it.

He loves his wife. He always has. There was never any doubt about that. I have no intention of ending my marriage.

He's ended it but it was the right thing to do. I just wasn't strong enough to be the one to let go.

Right now I feel like the sun shines out his arse and I hate it. He's perfect. Everything I want. Even though I'm well aware these are just feelings. A fantasy. I got the best of him. The good side he wanted to show me, unflawed. I have no doubt if we were to live together things would very quickly go downhill. That's aside from all the trauma we'd cause our families. I obviously wouldn't ever trust him not to cheat on me.

I've tried to be level-headed about the whole thing from the start. He made me feel good. He made me feel special. But I always held on to the fact that it was just a bit of fun between us and there was never any doubt that it wouldn't ever go further.

I was doing ok. Had a little cry at the time but have tried to pick myself up. Keep busy. Focus on the kids. Exercise. But now I don't know what's happened to me. Last night I got really upset and cried for ages. It all just came flooding out. And again this morning, had permanent tears in my eyes and I feel like I want to cry all the time. I went for a run to try and clear my head but again, was just running with tears streaming down my face. I feel really out of control of my emotions.

I know this is the consequences of my actions. And I do deserve this pain I'm feeling. I know over time it will get better. But what do I do for now? I can't be moping around, randomly bursting into tears all the time. I need to be a Mum and a wife and to do that I need to keep my shit together.

Totally get this. You will feel better, but it will take time. The grass isn’t usually greener and actually, if you were together properly, you probably would have found that things weren’t so great. A lot of this is imagination of what have could been rather than real life. It is also possible that it feels worse because he was the one who decided to end it. My biggest advice is move forward and let go of any hope that you may have that he may change his mind. The decision is made and now it’s time to concentrate on your separate lives.

Isitthathardtobekind · 29/01/2023 19:40

Ps if you have anyone to talk to, do. The tricky thing is if you have to keep it all to yourself. You will overthink it and it will take longer to heal from.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 29/01/2023 20:40

Im afraid there are only two things you can do

(1) go 10000% nuclear no contact , literally eradicate . nothing online , blocked everywhere

(2) get some therapy and figure everything out

there is literally no other option for you op

and your a mum and you need to stay sane when you work this out

Thisisworsethananticpated · 29/01/2023 20:41

And cry it out
get the emotions out
don’t suppress

you’ll be OK but it’s hard work x

oswoldmont · 29/01/2023 20:42

Did he see you for sex and now he and his wife have started having sex again so he doesn't need you anymore? @SomedayMyPain

Undecidedandtorn · 29/01/2023 20:52

I've been there. It's horrible. I didn't have an affair but god - I wanted him so badly. The only thing that got me through was thinking "I can't feel like this forever ". And I didn't. Good luck - no judging from me.

Mirroredlove · 29/01/2023 20:57

The reason the response is differnt when it’s a woman having the affair is because married men and woman have affairs for extremely different reasons in general. Woman normally have an affair after trying and trying with their partner and not getting far so make the mistake of starting an affair. Men normally have affairs because they want to shag someone different even when everything at home with the wife is good, so of course the reaction will be different because the circumstances normally are too.

booboo82 · 29/01/2023 21:04

Mirroredlove · 29/01/2023 20:57

The reason the response is differnt when it’s a woman having the affair is because married men and woman have affairs for extremely different reasons in general. Woman normally have an affair after trying and trying with their partner and not getting far so make the mistake of starting an affair. Men normally have affairs because they want to shag someone different even when everything at home with the wife is good, so of course the reaction will be different because the circumstances normally are too.

Utter bullshit

Original poster
SomedayMyPain · 29/01/2023 21:14

He ended it because he was worried about getting caught. Probably also starting to feel the guilt. He loves his wife and was always honest about that. It is possible to love people in different ways and possible to love someone but still do something that you know will hurt them.

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 29/01/2023 21:15

Have you completely cut all contact now?

helloelsie · 29/01/2023 21:18

Tell your husband and free yourself from
The guilt that will hang over you for the rest of your life

TicketBoo23 · 29/01/2023 21:18

and possible to love someone but still do something that you know will hurt them.

It's not really.

Not if you've got integrity.

And hurt is a bit of an understatement re the devastation, trust wrecking, trauma etc effects that affairs have on betrayed spouses. They often can't even function or parent well for quite some time.

TicketBoo23 · 29/01/2023 21:20

If you truly love someone, you do not put their wants and needs, what they are owed .... Below your wants and "needs". You give them equal billing.

Bertha21 · 29/01/2023 21:21

I think it hurts when a relationship ends. You know yourself you got the best side of him. In small doses. Now maybe you are grieving it. Maybe the question you need to ask yourself is why you did it. It was a risk. And that risk happened, he hurt you. But was your marriage hurting you too. Was there something you were trying to escape from. Therapy maybe the answer.

FloydPepper · 29/01/2023 21:21

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 29/01/2023 13:15

I can tell by the way you write about this that you're sitting round musing on it endlessly, trying to write it as a romantic story in your head, using the excuse of remorse and guilt to think about him even more.

Bluntly, you need to stop thinking about him and stop wallowing in guilt.

I can tell by the fact there is no mention of op’s husband at all, or any regret, that’s she’s just upset she can’t have what she wants.

Vallmo47 · 29/01/2023 21:22

I hope you’re not infatuated with my husband. I don’t have sympathy on that basis, but I do understand people make horrible mistakes sometimes and hopefully they learn from it. I just … can’t get past the fact that I’m married and it could technically be my husband you’re speaking about. So I’m out- I’d never forgive him or you if it was. He loves his wife so much he did this to her. Whatever.

TicketBoo23 · 29/01/2023 21:22

If you truly love someone, you also don't take their agency away from them.

Which is what you do when you decide you're no longer emotionally or sexually monogamous but choose not to tell them.

FloydPepper · 29/01/2023 21:26

anexcellentwoman · 29/01/2023 17:57

Do you mind if I quote you @WillsandKatesDivorcePartyDJ when a female poster is upset when her husband has an affair? So many supportive posts on here for a woman that has had an affair. Posts are always so different and indignant and angry when it is a man that has an affair.

Show quote history

I’ve considered linking to threads like this (oh poor you) when it’s a man doing the cheating, but ultimately that would be shitty as on those threads it’s normally the victim posting. Don’t want to make it worse for them.

so these threads this way round are the only ones where you can point out the dual standards.

FloydPepper · 29/01/2023 21:26

Mirroredlove · 29/01/2023 20:57

The reason the response is differnt when it’s a woman having the affair is because married men and woman have affairs for extremely different reasons in general. Woman normally have an affair after trying and trying with their partner and not getting far so make the mistake of starting an affair. Men normally have affairs because they want to shag someone different even when everything at home with the wife is good, so of course the reaction will be different because the circumstances normally are too.

Rubbish