Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Any advice for getting over this infatuation?

98 replies

SomedayMyPain · 29/01/2023 12:37

I'm not here for judgement. I know I did a shitty thing. But I really need help getting over it.

He loves his wife. He always has. There was never any doubt about that. I have no intention of ending my marriage.

He's ended it but it was the right thing to do. I just wasn't strong enough to be the one to let go.

Right now I feel like the sun shines out his arse and I hate it. He's perfect. Everything I want. Even though I'm well aware these are just feelings. A fantasy. I got the best of him. The good side he wanted to show me, unflawed. I have no doubt if we were to live together things would very quickly go downhill. That's aside from all the trauma we'd cause our families. I obviously wouldn't ever trust him not to cheat on me.

I've tried to be level-headed about the whole thing from the start. He made me feel good. He made me feel special. But I always held on to the fact that it was just a bit of fun between us and there was never any doubt that it wouldn't ever go further.

I was doing ok. Had a little cry at the time but have tried to pick myself up. Keep busy. Focus on the kids. Exercise. But now I don't know what's happened to me. Last night I got really upset and cried for ages. It all just came flooding out. And again this morning, had permanent tears in my eyes and I feel like I want to cry all the time. I went for a run to try and clear my head but again, was just running with tears streaming down my face. I feel really out of control of my emotions.

I know this is the consequences of my actions. And I do deserve this pain I'm feeling. I know over time it will get better. But what do I do for now? I can't be moping around, randomly bursting into tears all the time. I need to be a Mum and a wife and to do that I need to keep my shit together.

OP posts:
TicketBoo23 · 29/01/2023 21:31

Some people's love is not worth having.

Your ex AP is one of them. A cheater who "loves" his wife. No cheater loves their partner more than themselves (or even equal to themselves) .... They can't even show them basic decency, honesty, respect, equality in the relationship.

When they fuck them, they do so without true consent ... Since the spouse's consent is based on the status quo (or monogamy) that they're no longer subscribing to, but haven't seen fit to share that fact with their spouse.

When you so blithely say it's possible to love someone and do things you know will hurt them (and that's putting infidelity into a group of "things", most of which would not be considered equal to infidelity in terms of hurt, betrayal, forgiveableness etc ... So let's just put aside "things to hurt someone" and call a spade a spade; cheating.

It's possible to love someone and still cheat on them .... Turn that around and ask yourself if your ex AP would think his wife truly loves him if he found out she was cheating on him??

What about you, would you believe your h truly love you if you found out he was cheating on you?

Stop with all the BS.

TicketBoo23 · 29/01/2023 21:35

You appear to have fallen for the "he's a good person who loves his wife but he's cheated on her with me because he loves me too and because it's possible even for good people who love their partners to do "things" that could hurt them".

You're deluding yourself.

He's not a good person.

He doesn't really love his wife.... He probably doesn't really love you.

He loves himself, that's a sure bet.

Fairislefandango · 29/01/2023 21:36

Tbh whenever I see a 'Please tell me how to get over my affair partner' thread, it's always the same. It feels like the OPs create the threads as an anonymous space where they can have a bittersweet wallow and talk about the supposedly wonderful man who they had such a connection with. With a bit of added masochistic 'Don't judge me but I know I deserve it'.

Yes of course it's painful. But I doubt you were actually wanting advice. There is very obviously no advice other than cut contact and wait for your feelings to die down. They will, but you probably don't entirely want them to

TicketBoo23 · 29/01/2023 21:39

The emotional, delusional clap trap that affair havers spout, and the mental gymnastics they engage in, would be comical if they weren't so selfish and shitty, and if you didn't feel sorry for the poor fuckers hitched to them.

Landndialamrhf · 29/01/2023 21:39

It’s a shame you are sad for yourself, but you don’t mention your husband and children. It doesn’t seem like you’re sad from guilt about what you have done.

probably part of your issue is you keep saying you have the perfect life. And you’re clearly confused as to why that isn’t enough for you.
but it obviously isn’t the perfect life. So put your energy into figuring out why not and what you can do about that.

TicketBoo23 · 29/01/2023 21:41

If you tell your husband all about it, and his wife .... You'll probably get over it quite quickly; because the two of you will be fighting for survival in your marriages with the two spouses youve takehnthe absolute piss out of.

Try that.

Wellitjustgetsworse · 29/01/2023 21:44

Ah another home wrecker convinced they had the romance of a novel.

Sorry been on the other side of this and that pain is much worse than a break up.

BalancingStick · 29/01/2023 21:45

Have you

Original poster
SomedayMyPain · 29/01/2023 21:47

Fairislefandango · 29/01/2023 21:36

Tbh whenever I see a 'Please tell me how to get over my affair partner' thread, it's always the same. It feels like the OPs create the threads as an anonymous space where they can have a bittersweet wallow and talk about the supposedly wonderful man who they had such a connection with. With a bit of added masochistic 'Don't judge me but I know I deserve it'.

Yes of course it's painful. But I doubt you were actually wanting advice. There is very obviously no advice other than cut contact and wait for your feelings to die down. They will, but you probably don't entirely want them to

Yes, you are probably right. I posted because I can't exactly talk to anyone irl about it. I did want advice, maybe a bit of support. I know there isn't any magic fix. And lots of the replies have been a comfort.
We all know affairs are wrong. I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm not looking for an argument. I did something shitty. I'm hurting. I'm trying to get through it.

OP posts:
FloydPepper · 29/01/2023 21:49

SomedayMyPain · 29/01/2023 21:47

Yes, you are probably right. I posted because I can't exactly talk to anyone irl about it. I did want advice, maybe a bit of support. I know there isn't any magic fix. And lots of the replies have been a comfort.
We all know affairs are wrong. I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm not looking for an argument. I did something shitty. I'm hurting. I'm trying to get through it.

Show quote history

Still no mention of your husband? Or any regrets?

or an answer to if you’ve cut contact?

Original poster
SomedayMyPain · 29/01/2023 21:57

Ended things means cut contact.

OP posts:
Abasnada · 29/01/2023 22:00

I think you should probably get some therapy as you’ll need an outlet and some help finding a way through this.

You need to work out why you cheated, and how to live with the years of guilt and shame that lie ahead.

I think you also might want to consider unburdening yourself and telling your husband what you’ve done. I can’t imagine having to live with a secret like that for the rest of my life. What a terrible burden that must be.

journeyofinsanity · 30/01/2023 00:23

Dear God you could be me. To the point that I had to check the username incase it was me. Only he hasn't cut contact, he's asked that we tone it down as he can't manage his guilt. I'm the one who has decided to cut contact as I realise this all ends badly at some point. It's freaking me out how similar you sound to me. I think I feel rejection as his guilt is obvious bigger than his feelings for me. He's not the sort to do this. Neither am I. Neither of us have ever contemplated this before.

TheWhaleRider · 30/01/2023 02:59

You were happy to do this when you thought the only risk was your or your AP's spouses getting hurt. You honestly didn't see the risk to yourself - and now it's coming back to bite you, you're wallowing and feeling sorry for yourself? Honestly - get your head out of the clouds, have a stiff word with yourself and sort yourself out. Yes, it hurts he rejected you because he loves his wife or his life more than you. Yes, it hurts you can't have the excitement any more. Yes, it hurts that you're starting to realise your grand romance was just a sordid little affair, same as so many others. And what? You chose this - now you have to deal with it. And it would help you to have a good hard look in the mirror and work out what went wrong in you that meant you were willing to risk your integrity and your honesty, the peace of mind of a good man, a good woman, and innocent children, for a bit of a fumble around, and how you could have decided to move your marriage into non-monogamy while conveniently forgetting to tell your husband. You can find peace and move on - but only if you're honest with yourself about the gravity of what you've done, and work out exactly why you crave the excitement of an affair so much that you were willing to risk and sacrifice any principles and self-respect you might have. I'll be honest, you don't truly sound ready to do that - I hope you can, as it's the only way through.

Monty27 · 30/01/2023 03:18

Now you know the pain isn't worth hanging onto unrealistic dreams.
Focus on something different. To make you feel good about yourself.

SherlockStones · 30/01/2023 03:25

Mirroredlove · 29/01/2023 20:57

The reason the response is differnt when it’s a woman having the affair is because married men and woman have affairs for extremely different reasons in general. Woman normally have an affair after trying and trying with their partner and not getting far so make the mistake of starting an affair. Men normally have affairs because they want to shag someone different even when everything at home with the wife is good, so of course the reaction will be different because the circumstances normally are too.

What a load of garbage

Nothing short of mental gymnastics, these are facts are they? Responses like these are pathetic.

LoekMa · 30/01/2023 03:45

WillsandKatesDivorcePartyDJ · 29/01/2023 17:58

@anexcellentwoman you do what you like.

Omg. Your name gives me LIFE 😂

Take ALL MY HEARTS💘❤💖♥

KEG973 · 30/01/2023 04:15

I can’t believe what I’m reading in the comments. A band of merry women patting this women on the back for having an affair and comforting her as she wallows in her own self pitty. If this was the wife of the man being cheated on there would be a lot of hate towards the “Homewrecker” which is what you are OP. Pathetic, hope your husband finds out what you have done so he can make an informed decision on wether or not HE wants to stay with YOU.

NotAnotherTaco · 30/01/2023 05:11

The core of this thread is a person has done something really shitty, they've got themselves hurt and now is just looking for a bit of wisdom in how to heal from a breakup.

Yes, it's an affair but FFS can a person not ask for help?! It's clear it's not something they can discuss with people IRL so that's why they've come here.

You don't have to congratulate them on having an affair. You don't have to support it or not support it. But if you have a crumb of advise on how to get over a breakup, then it's in the spirit of this forum to give it.

Aussiegirl123456 · 30/01/2023 06:49

Sometimes good people make bad choices.
You seem to have a clear head and have established that you know you got the best of him etc.

To be honest, all you can do is give it time and throw yourself into a distraction. You won’t feel like this forever. How long has it been?

Also, maybe explore what is missing from your marriage that caused you to have an affair?

You will be ok.

KEG973 · 30/01/2023 08:08

She needs a reality check and all of this should start with her being honest with her husband about what she’s done not continuing to manipulate him by staying and pretending she is a good wife.

and no I really have zero sympathy because she isn’t taking ownership she is being a liar and a master deceiver so she can wallow in the pain she is feeling. He deserves better than you OP mad unless you are going to tell him what you have been done and heal honestly WITH your DH then I have no advice or desire for you to feel better.

Seadad · 30/01/2023 09:22

I'll ask you the most important question OP - the one which you will be in the rest of your life...
Does your husband suspect - even in a tiny hint?

TooTiredAndGrumpy · 30/01/2023 15:14

KEG973- I couldn't agree more.

I can't believe the fluffy responses from people after a selfish cheater is sobbing over an affair ending.

Having been on the receiving end of this sort of behaviour, I hope that karma really does come back to bite you. You're a liar and cheat. Give yourself a shake and get over yourself.

You have a family to think of so do just that. Think of them and cut out this shitty behaviour before it destroys your family. It will ruin your children's childhood when all this eventually comes out, because it always does.

Unbelievable. 🙄

oswoldmont · 30/01/2023 15:24

Cheaters never prosper so I guess the way forward for the OP is to recognise this as a life lesson, learn from it, be better in the future.
We all get life lessons don't we. Some people who are more emotionally mature, intelligent, advanced, whatever it is, won't ever have an affair because they recognise it for what it is and for its consequences. But they might be the same people who indulge in other self-harming activities. Nobody's perfect.

HateandLove · 30/01/2023 16:40

Sometimes I find the actual mechanics of affairs weird.

You say he always loved his wife, how did that merge when you were becoming intimate, did it not put you off at all ?

Most women I know want to hear how special they are to be walzed into bed, not how amazing the wife is and how they'd never leave them, I think that would stop any passion from my side.

Just sounds a bit clinical.