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Relationships

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Original poster

My date told me something

80 replies

Milou89 · 27/01/2023 22:34

Hi!
Met this guy last summer. He was working on and off at the same place as me. We stayed in touch and been on two dates together. We text eachother every week. I never had so much in common with someone in my life. He's funny, good in his job, I feel very happy around him. He is working full time and studying at the same time. Last night, we were talking on messenger and I asked him his plans for sunday afternoon. He told me: "studying and going to my AA meeting". We didnt talked about it more. It's not a complete suprise to me because his teeth are a bit in a bad state for a 31 years old. I'm a bit confused because I always told myself that alcool and drugs are a big no for me. But I have a really good feeling regarding this guy. I am the one who made the first steps. I am really independent and dont want kids. I enjoy living alone and don't plan to live with someone else soon. Just want to have good times with this guy and see where it goes. I'm curious, what would you do in this particular case?

OP posts:

Dotcheck · 27/01/2023 22:36

I think if he mentioned it, then it’s worth a conversation. More info needed.

ednatheevilwitch · 27/01/2023 22:44

You've met this man twice?

Mom2K · 27/01/2023 22:45

I personally wouldn't choose to be in a relationship with anyone that has ever had an addiction (alcohol, drugs, porn etc) even if it was now under control. I was already married to someone with an addictive personality and it was awful. It doesn't mean that someone who genuinely wanted to change and sought help for it would be the same, it's just not a risk I'd be willing to take having dealt with this stuff before.

minou123 · 27/01/2023 22:45

My advice, just take very careful steps.

I'm.not saying recovering alcoholics or recovering drug addicts are bad people or don't deserve happy relationships. Far from it.

But by the very nature of being an addict, they are more prone to being manipulative, secretive and not honest.

It really depends where he is at with his recovery. If he is quite early on, it may not be best for you or for him to get involved.
You need aot more, truthful, information.

Dartmoorcheffy · 27/01/2023 22:46

If he's going to AA then he's serious about giving up. That's surely a good sign.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 27/01/2023 22:46

Two dates in. He is an addict. Surely there are other men available?

Stichintime · 27/01/2023 22:48

It would be a no from me, but then I lived with an addict and would never go there again.

Dotcheck · 27/01/2023 22:48

Actually, I missed that you’ve only seen him twice. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who was an alcoholic- recovering or not. Or someone with very bad teeth

Mimi198 · 27/01/2023 22:49

We had two dates but I had to work with him a few times last summer.

ArtVandalay · 27/01/2023 22:50

You’ve only had 2 dates. I’d be steering very clear of him, tbh.

JupiterFortified · 27/01/2023 22:51

I would give him a chance but would have to speak to him about it just to let him give some background and how he is coping with.

People can overcome addictions so I wouldn’t write him off straight away personally.

(I might think differently if you were dead set on settling down and having kids soon though)

Eranzer · 27/01/2023 22:52

He could have easily just not told you that. I think it's a great sign that he was open and honest about it. I say crack on if you want to.

Amadeaa · 27/01/2023 22:56

I disagree with other posters, he’s actively taking steps to overcome his addiction and he’s open about his situation, these are two positives for me

Was126orbustandmaybebust · 27/01/2023 22:57

Mimi198 · 27/01/2023 22:49

We had two dates but I had to work with him a few times last summer.

Are you the op?
Addicts often have magnetic personalities which draw you in very easily but, long term, nine times out of ten life is rubbish with them.
I would run for the hills.

crackofdoom · 27/01/2023 23:00

Talk to him about it. The whole conversation could be very revealing, and you could learn a lot about who he really is. That could inform your next steps.

A couple of things: addicts aren't supposed to get into new relationships until they've been sober for a year (but he could have been clean for a decade, you don't know without asking him).

Also, I did go out with a longterm sober alcoholic for a while, and it did appear to me that he showed a lack of emotional development- as if all those decades in his 20s and 30s when he was drunk, he didn't mature and grow as a person at all- which was probably exactly what did happen. Consequently, at 50 he was still a bit of an immature twat 🙄

Agapornis · 27/01/2023 23:15

2 dates in 5-7 months? Endless texting but no effort to meet up? Alcoholic? Bad teeth? "never had so much in common with someone" is mostly based on the texts, right? Writing to each other isn't the same as real life.

You deserve better. Do you really want a pen pal and no future? How sure are you that he's single? At least date around and see who else is actually physically available.

Mimi198 · 27/01/2023 23:47

We kept in touch by messenger and I suggested to do something together around november

ladycarlotta · 27/01/2023 23:48

talk to him about it. It's a good sign that he was open about it and that he is serious about staying clean/sober. But you need to have the facts on it to make up your mind. There isn't a wrong choice I don't think.

page1of4 · 27/01/2023 23:51

If you have the energy for it, then go ahead. I'm all for giving someone a chance after spells of whatever but when it comes to choosing a partner, having been married to an addict, it's a run for the hills from me I'm afraid. It's not the life I'd have chosen had hindsight been foresight

recoveringyoungalco · 27/01/2023 23:52

@crackofdoom ""Also, I did go out with a longterm sober alcoholic for a while, and it did appear to me that he showed a lack of emotional development- as if all those decades in his 20s and 30s when he was drunk, he didn't mature and grow as a person at all- which was probably exactly what did happen. Consequently, at 50 he was still a bit of an immature twat 🙄"" It's so interesting that you said that. A LOT of people in AA inc me, say that they stopped developing emotionally when they started drinking. As they never faced their emotions or learnt how to deal with them.

OP I'm torn on this, 2 dates in what 6/7 months? That seems very odd. I am bias but I wouldn't think him going to AA should stop you dating him. He is obv so comfortable with his revoerty that he can talk about it. It takes a long time to get to that part. For a lot of people AA can become a way of life. He does teach you how to be a better person. It is a set of rules for living. Most people have heard of the 12 steps. After the 1st step there is no mention of alcohol. It is a way of life more so than just giving up alcohol.

I am really aware my experience of alcoholics is massively skewed to people in AA who have sought help. An alcohol who does not seek help is a different kettle of fish.

happyp123 · 27/01/2023 23:52

I wouldn’t necessarily write him off but I would be cautious and discuss his past history and see how you feel then.

My DP has been sober 15 years and we’ve been together 14 and he’s never relapsed. He had some trauma as teenager and used alcohol to cope. But once he got the right help and support he’s never looked back.

Ive never really been much of a drinker, maybe one or two occasions a year I’ll have a couple of drinks. But it’s something for you to think about if you do give things a go. How would he cope if you do like a drink yourself? Would he socialise with you going to places that drink is there? It something you will need to discuss with him to see if you are right for each other.

PleaseCleanTheWholeToilet · 27/01/2023 23:54

People are so judgmental

WetBandits · 27/01/2023 23:59

I think it depends on how long he’s been in recovery for. If we’re talking ten days then it’s very early and there’s no telling how his recovery will pan out. However, if we’re talking ten years then that’s a different matter and it’s just part of his life. One of my best friends is 14 years sober and clean from alcohol and crack, he’s in a relationship and has a wonderful little boy. You’d never know he was in recovery with the healthy, happy life he lives now unless he told you.

It’s your call, but I’d say you need more information. The fact that he’s been open about it is a good sign though, I think.

roseheartfly · 28/01/2023 00:02

Run.

Welshy26 · 28/01/2023 00:07

If you want an easy life....run. Speaking from experience.

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