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Original poster

My date told me something

80 replies

Milou89 · 27/01/2023 22:34

Hi!
Met this guy last summer. He was working on and off at the same place as me. We stayed in touch and been on two dates together. We text eachother every week. I never had so much in common with someone in my life. He's funny, good in his job, I feel very happy around him. He is working full time and studying at the same time. Last night, we were talking on messenger and I asked him his plans for sunday afternoon. He told me: "studying and going to my AA meeting". We didnt talked about it more. It's not a complete suprise to me because his teeth are a bit in a bad state for a 31 years old. I'm a bit confused because I always told myself that alcool and drugs are a big no for me. But I have a really good feeling regarding this guy. I am the one who made the first steps. I am really independent and dont want kids. I enjoy living alone and don't plan to live with someone else soon. Just want to have good times with this guy and see where it goes. I'm curious, what would you do in this particular case?

OP posts:
whatwhhat · 28/01/2023 00:18

I married a recovering addict...ruined my life.

He was very open at the beginning, was taking all the right steps blah blah blah. Me with no experience of addiction fell for it.

Run, honestly.

RememberNancyDrew · 28/01/2023 00:18

When is Date #3?

Workinghardeveryday · 28/01/2023 00:25

Amadeaa · 27/01/2023 22:56

I disagree with other posters, he’s actively taking steps to overcome his addiction and he’s open about his situation, these are two positives for me

Totally agree.

People have a past. People make mistakes. He is addressing his and sorting.

Just look at all the alcohol addiction threads on here, people desperately trying to stop, most haven’t got so far as this man. Good for him I say

RockGirl · 28/01/2023 00:26

I have to say the teeth alone would turn me off. I know it sounds shallow but I need some element of attraction at the beginning.

Madamedefargelikescrows · 28/01/2023 00:32

Eranzer · 27/01/2023 22:52

He could have easily just not told you that. I think it's a great sign that he was open and honest about it. I say crack on if you want to.

I agree with this He's brought it up because he wants you to know and he's done it in such a way that he's put no pressure on you to accept it/him. Talk about it with him but don't necessarily give up on him because of this. One of the best and kindest people I know was a heroin addict and an alcoholic who has been clean for years. She still goes to NA and AA meetings, sponsors other addicts and helps people whenever she can. She is full of kindness and love and I would disown anyone who wanted nothing to do with her because of her background.

That said, it can be difficult but an addict who really wants to stop and get on with their life shouldn't be judged on their past. Among other things that it would be handy to talk about is how long he's been with AA. That would give you some indication of where he is in his recovery.

avobelly · 28/01/2023 00:33

I’m a recovering addict. Addicts are humans and like any other group of humans, we come in all shapes and sizes. Yes, some are manipulative, secretive and dishonest (looking at you @minou123) but so are lots of people who aren’t addicts. Yes, many of us are/were sneaky about drinking during active addiction, but that’s a symptom of being unwell - desperately needing your “medicine” in situations where it might not be socially acceptable. It’s not the same as being a fundamentally dishonest person. If anything, AA has made me a bit too honest and forthright.

It depends so much where this person is in his recovery journey, how seriously he’s taking it, how long his sobriety is, how involved he is with AA (does he do service?), whether he has a sponsor and is working through the 12 steps or just sort of hanging out there?

I would be open and say you weren’t aware that he’s sober, and then ask him the questions above. If he has a long sobriety (as PP said that 1yr point is often considered crucial) and takes recovery seriously, why not? You’d be surprised at how many aedicts are lovely, interesting and successful people you’d never “think” go to AA. it’s definitely doesn’t make you a loser as some people here like to suggest.

With regards to empathy: yes, some recovering addicts can be quite selfish and lack empathy. For some people the way to get over addiction is to focus on yourself (because if you didn’t, you’d be dead) and the byproduct can be that they’re self-centered. But again, that’s not everybody - some people deal with it in the opposite way, by dedicating themselves to service and becoming more empathetic.

Only you can figure out the subtleties of where this person lies, but don’t believe the MN doomsayers!

avobelly · 28/01/2023 00:45

And fwiw I wouldn’t have dated me at several points both in active addiction and early recovery! It’s all about figuring out how serious this guy is about his recovery.

IME alcoholics are very comfortable talking about addiction (as it’s encouraged in AA and if you go to therapy) so I’m sure he’d be happy to discuss where he is in his journey, especially as he obviously wanted to broach the topic. Without that kind of conversation it’s hard to advise; he could be a dumpster fire or he could be the perfect potential boyfriend, or anything in between.

It can definitely get messy, but quite frankly so can any other relationship. One of many upside la of AA is that it forces you into a certain level of introspection, so at least we KNOW we’re a dumpster fire 😂 unlike the non-alcoholic guy with just as many issues who has never worked through his feelings.

minou123 · 28/01/2023 01:48

Not sure why you've quoted my name @avobelly . My post agrees agrees with what you said.

Carlycat · 28/01/2023 01:59

The manky teeth would personally have me running for the hills 🤢
Apart from that I wouldn't touch him 🚩

Carlycat · 28/01/2023 02:02

RockGirl · 28/01/2023 00:26

I have to say the teeth alone would turn me off. I know it sounds shallow but I need some element of attraction at the beginning.

Not shallow at all. We don't live in the dark ages. There's simply no excuse for manky teeth and poor dental hygiene.

Agapornis · 28/01/2023 02:07

Mimi198 · 27/01/2023 23:47

We kept in touch by messenger and I suggested to do something together around november

Why didn't that November date happen? Or did you mean November 2023...

Also, name change fail.

Mimi198 · 28/01/2023 02:09

I don't think he has poor dental hygiene. Just some dammage

Cycling80 · 28/01/2023 02:18

2 dates? There wouldn’t be a third. I just wouldn’t risk having my life impacted by someone’s addiction.

Sportswomansrest72 · 28/01/2023 02:21

I wouldn’t get in too deep until I knew a lot more.

For example, most addicts or alcoholics are using a substance or alcohol to help them avoid or forget something. So I would want to know why he drank and whether he had had therapy to confront whatever it is.

And of course I would want to know how long he had been sober.

Be careful op. Protect yourself emotionally. Remember that love is not enough in any relationship. So you can love or like someone and they can make you feel great in their presence but there has to be trust too. And remember love is a verb. Judge by his actions not just his words.

Monty27 · 28/01/2023 02:21

One of my closest friends is in AA and regularly attends meetings. When he is upset he drinks and it can take weeks and sometimes months until he feels so rock bottom that he sobers up. --and then his girlfriend comes back temporarily and the toxic wheel that gives him an excuse to drink is in full swing again. There are long periods of to deal with a recovering alcoholic. I bet he is lovely. My friend is too. But I certainly don't envy his gf. She has her work cut out with him. It's being going on for about 20years. They don't even live together...

JudgeRudy · 28/01/2023 03:49

Dartmoorcheffy · 27/01/2023 22:46

If he's going to AA then he's serious about giving up. That's surely a good sign.

Yes, I'd say so too

LemonPeonies · 28/01/2023 03:58

So many judgemental narrow minded people on this thread, who clearly have no understanding of addiction! It's a disease not a choice, and AA is well known for helping people overcome addiction of alcohol. I've been sober in AA for 12 years and I know many people who have been sober for a lot longer. We're just as capable as anyone else to be a good partner etc. I'm honest and loving to my partner and I'm a good mum, my addiction doesn't rule my life. You wouldn't even know most of us if we didn't tell you, we are your nurses, Dr's, teachers, etc.

JudgeRudy · 28/01/2023 04:06

Couple of points here for consideration...
You're debating whether to go on further dates but there doesn't actually seem to be one on offer. Forget the alcoholism, is he really thst into you?

One for everyone. Lets say OP was male and his romantic interest was a female with low self esteem/anxiety likely from poor upbringing and/or trauma. She's having CBT but he suspects shes a bit messed up. She doesn't dress well and is a little overweight but he seemed to connect with her and likes what he sees. She friendly and seems to enjoy his company but she's not made much of an effort to take things further.
Should he take things further?

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 28/01/2023 04:08

I myself would not date any sort of addict.

ArcticSkewer · 28/01/2023 04:13

Do you have self esteem issues or a habit of rescuing people?
Was your childhood a bit messed up?
You found something about this semi-interested alcoholic with bad teeth appealing to you..... interesting .....

I'd stick with the single life while working out why you found him appealing - which part of your damaged psyche exactly found him a great prospect?

ThreeLocusts · 28/01/2023 05:04

ArcticSkewer · 28/01/2023 04:13

Do you have self esteem issues or a habit of rescuing people?
Was your childhood a bit messed up?
You found something about this semi-interested alcoholic with bad teeth appealing to you..... interesting .....

I'd stick with the single life while working out why you found him appealing - which part of your damaged psyche exactly found him a great prospect?

Now that's a mean, manipuative post. Diagnosing a 'damaged psyche' on the basis of two dates with a sober addict?

I've lived with an active alcoholic and, well, never again. I'd have been over the moon if he'd fund the way to AA. Surely addicts in recovery behave differently from active ones?

I'd say it's a question of how interested you are, of finding out more, and of whether you trust yourself to trust him to handle the problem. No point going on with it if you'll forever be sniffing for alcohol on his breath.

Zanatdy · 28/01/2023 06:20

I wouldn’t necessarily write him off immediately. I’d want to know more about it. How come you’ve only had 2 dates since last summer? That might be more of a red flag, unless there’s a reason.

Flashingtealights · 28/01/2023 06:21

Why have you only been on 2 dates with him.
He may be a good guy who has a problem and is trying to deal with it, but after 2 dates I would not be investing too much in this relationship

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/01/2023 06:30

Forget the alcoholism, is he really thst into you?

This. I mean is he actively trying to date you? If not, what's the think about?

Fairislefandango · 28/01/2023 06:37

I disagree with other posters, he’s actively taking steps to overcome his addiction and he’s open about his situation, these are two positives for me.

Those aren't positives. At most they are mitigating factors about a very major negative. It's one thing staying with a long-term partner and supporting them through their efforts to overcome an addiction. Getting into a relationship with someone you have just found out is an addict is an enormous risk. Why would you take that risk when you are not already emotionally invested or tied to that person? There are a lot of potential partners out there who aren't addicts. I would run a mile tbh.