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Original poster

My date told me something

80 replies

Milou89 · 27/01/2023 22:34

Hi!
Met this guy last summer. He was working on and off at the same place as me. We stayed in touch and been on two dates together. We text eachother every week. I never had so much in common with someone in my life. He's funny, good in his job, I feel very happy around him. He is working full time and studying at the same time. Last night, we were talking on messenger and I asked him his plans for sunday afternoon. He told me: "studying and going to my AA meeting". We didnt talked about it more. It's not a complete suprise to me because his teeth are a bit in a bad state for a 31 years old. I'm a bit confused because I always told myself that alcool and drugs are a big no for me. But I have a really good feeling regarding this guy. I am the one who made the first steps. I am really independent and dont want kids. I enjoy living alone and don't plan to live with someone else soon. Just want to have good times with this guy and see where it goes. I'm curious, what would you do in this particular case?

OP posts:
BatshitCrazyWoman · 28/01/2023 06:39

Whilst it's great he's in AA, and hopefully recovery, my personal, lived experience of a relationship with someone who was addicted to alcohol was awful, and because of that I am understandably incredibly wary. He could have ruined my life, and my children's lives too, but thankfully I got out.

You're really only chatting to him, not even dating, so you can talk to him about this.

HuntingoftheSnark · 28/01/2023 06:41

He told you he's in AA as the fellowship encourages openness and honesty, and he's interested in how judgemental you are and giving you a very easy get out.

Teeturtle · 28/01/2023 06:42

minou123 · 27/01/2023 22:45

My advice, just take very careful steps.

I'm.not saying recovering alcoholics or recovering drug addicts are bad people or don't deserve happy relationships. Far from it.

But by the very nature of being an addict, they are more prone to being manipulative, secretive and not honest.

It really depends where he is at with his recovery. If he is quite early on, it may not be best for you or for him to get involved.
You need aot more, truthful, information.

It is very unkind to stereotype like that, I am sure you would not make such character assumptions on any other group. I am an alcoholic in recovery and I am not now and never was manipulative, secret or dishonest.

I agree with you on careful steps though. I would possibly even go further and say walk way. Not because he is probably manipulative and dishonest though, but because she might fall in love and he might relapse and then it is not a nice place for anyone to be. If he is some years into his recovery then maybe, I know many fabulous alcoholics who haven’t touched a drink for twenty years and almost certainly never will again.

Tuilpmouse · 28/01/2023 07:33

I think you need to know more.... For instance, if he's been dry for 10 years and AA is part of that, then that's very different from someone who goes to AA but continues to fall off the wagon every other week or so.

That said, not only have you only met twice since you worked together, but you text just once a week! That seems an extraordinarily low level of contact - both type and frequency - to build a relationship on. I'm more concerned that you've built this all up in your head, and he's on a completely different page, even actively dating someone else, and not even realising you see this as a budding relationship.

NerrSnerr · 28/01/2023 08:17

I would want to know a lot more about his addiction history. People are not being unfair being weary. I come from a family of alcoholics- all have been in some stage of recovery at some point. My sibling is now dead, died in their 30s, left behind a primary aged child. My step dad is dead and my mum has alcohol related dementia before the age of 70.

Personally I wouldn't date an addict, addiction has already taken too much of my life.

avobelly · 28/01/2023 08:18

@minou123 you literally wrote

“But by the very nature of being an addict, they are more prone to being manipulative, secretive and not honest.”

a) as PP have pointed out to you, that’s incredibly judgmental, unkind, and simply not true, and b) despite making some similar points, the tone and nature of your post and mine could not be more different. It’s actually quite manipulative of YOU to now suggest we’re saying the same thing to try and backtrack/defend yourself 😂

Case in point…

Deerlander · 28/01/2023 09:25

Given the choice

No I wouldn't date an alcoholic.

minou123 · 28/01/2023 09:36

avobelly · 28/01/2023 08:18

@minou123 you literally wrote

“But by the very nature of being an addict, they are more prone to being manipulative, secretive and not honest.”

a) as PP have pointed out to you, that’s incredibly judgmental, unkind, and simply not true, and b) despite making some similar points, the tone and nature of your post and mine could not be more different. It’s actually quite manipulative of YOU to now suggest we’re saying the same thing to try and backtrack/defend yourself 😂

Case in point…

I didn't say ALL addicts are manipulative, secretive and dishonest.

If you werent, that's great. There really is no judgement from me

Sorry you didn't like my tone, but pleased you agree we made similar points.

Naunet · 28/01/2023 09:39

PleaseCleanTheWholeToilet · 27/01/2023 23:54

People are so judgmental

You should be when it comes to dating, especially women.

OriGanOver · 28/01/2023 09:41

No OP. Don't do it.

Unless he's had TONS of therapy alongside AA to understand his trauma and recover from what made him use alcohol as a crutch in the first place you will end up with a dry drunk - that may or may not relapse at times. Often addicts stop using a substance and replace it with other things like - climbing mountains, gym, sex, relationships.

It's not the alcohol or the drug that makes people become addicted. It's the trauma or filling up some emptiness inside them. Most people can use alcohol and drugs recreationally with no addiction. This man can't.

My exh was 7 years clean from diazapam when I first got with him. He was still an addict. Just a dry one.

BritInAus · 28/01/2023 09:46

Mom2K · 27/01/2023 22:45

I personally wouldn't choose to be in a relationship with anyone that has ever had an addiction (alcohol, drugs, porn etc) even if it was now under control. I was already married to someone with an addictive personality and it was awful. It doesn't mean that someone who genuinely wanted to change and sought help for it would be the same, it's just not a risk I'd be willing to take having dealt with this stuff before.

This, a million times this!
It doesn't mean he will relapse.
But an addict is always an addict. They may be an addict who is in recovery currently, or currently sober/not using, but they will always be an addict.

The hell I went through with my addict ex DP showed me how far down the list of priorities a partner can be for an addict.

LookinUp · 28/01/2023 09:52

You've only been on two dates.

I would just go very slowly and find out more from him about this ‘going to AA’. He’s dropped it into the conversation, so you are within your rights to probe further.

There is a world of difference between someone who has long term sobriety, goes to regular meetings, does service, works the 12 steps with a sponsor etc - and someone who just goes to the odd meeting.

As with anyone, recovering addict or not, I’d also watch his behaviour not just listen to what he says. Actions over words.

Reinventinganna · 28/01/2023 10:03

Don’t right him off just yet. You like him, have a conversation about it.

You know nothing about what led him to addiction.

MissMaple82 · 28/01/2023 10:10

It would be a no from me. Cut your losses now, it won't end well

Thoughtful2355 · 28/01/2023 10:40

Personally I would run as they can fall back into it very easily BUT then he might have been an addict years and years ago, I think it needs a conversation as it's a big big thing and if he was an addict any less than 3 years ago then I would definitely walk away.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 28/01/2023 10:55

Reinventinganna · 28/01/2023 10:03

Don’t right him off just yet. You like him, have a conversation about it.

You know nothing about what led him to addiction.

How does what led him there make any difference to the outcome?

perfectcolourfound · 28/01/2023 11:16

I have mixed feelings on this....

On the one hand, I believe that people can change if they really want to and are willing to put the work in. That we all deserve a second chance if we take a wrong turn. That people can recover from addictions and go on to lead good, healthy lives with good healthy relationships.

BUT

I have been there. Lived with an addict (they also went to AA, for a while, then slipped back). I couldn't do it again. It nearly broke me. You aren't in deep with this man yet, and my instinct says don't allow yourself to get close. Not until you are certain he's beaten his addiction (but that could take years, with numerous relapses, and you'll never really know if and when he may start drinking again).

mindutopia · 28/01/2023 13:10

He’s in recovery by the sounds of it, if he’s far enough along to be willing to talk openly about it. You don’t want alcohol or drugs and assuming he’s sober, neither does he, so sounds great. Most people drink (many heavily) and lots of people do drugs, even if on very rare occasions. So I’d see his openness about not doing either of those as a plus. I know lots of people who are in recovery now after wild 20s and they are the most sound, in touch people I know.

Bbq1 · 28/01/2023 13:20

Some really horrible attitudes on this thread. The man is addressing the fact he goes to AA openly with you. He's not hiding it. Yes, you need to find out where he is in his recovery but some pp's are speaking about recovering addicts as manipulative, risky etc. That's grossly unfair. Addicts are people who have usually had a cause for their addiction and once in true recovery they should not forever be judged by their past addiction.

OriGanOver · 28/01/2023 13:44

Not sure why anyone would get offended over posters advising OP not to get with someone with an addiction. It's not horrible. You don't have to be kind at the expense of yourself. Why would you saddle yourself into a relationship with someone with such issues?

Also, you can still be using and go to AA. They hide it from the group for a while and then repeat the steps - again and again. AA doesn't mean recovered.

Recovery from addiction doesn't even mean clean and sober. Like I said my exh was 7 years clean.. he was still an addict and his behaviour/emotional regulation was abysmal. It ruined my life.

A recovered addict wouldn't have just dropped it in convo like that either. He'd have a conversation, something along the lines of - OP, I know we've just started dating, before it goes any further I feel I should let you know that I used to be an alcoholic. I had a rubbish childhood/trauma and it messed my life up. But, I went to rehab, I still go to AA to help others and sponser them. I have dug through all my traumas and found healthier coping mechanisms which don't involve me getting off my nut, harming myself or those around me. For me to stay sober I mediate, have great friends and family around me that hold me accountable and I've rebuilt my life. If you feel this is too much for you then that's understandable and if you have any questions I'm happy to answer them.

Boom ^^ that's a recovered addict. Not a drop in a text that I'm off to AA meetings.

ArtVandalay · 28/01/2023 13:46

It’s great he’s in recovery, but so early in a new relationship, I’d not feel obliged to support him. I’d think on balance, it’s not worth the risks. He might have all sorts of demons and issues.

Plus, he’s got bad teeth which would put me right off without the other issues.

ohdizzy · 28/01/2023 13:47

People can go to AA meetings for years after getting clean.

2bazookas · 28/01/2023 13:55

If his drug/alcohol abuse reached the level of major dental damage by age 31 then you're looking at a future lifelong struggle. Unprotected sex a serious NO NO for ever.

 I'd   walk away now.
Opentooffers · 28/01/2023 21:14

If you've only had 2 dates in 6months, it's already can be classed as an unusual, disfunctional arrangement. It's the weekly texting that's keeping you in it. If that is all the effort it takes, then you need more in your life as it stands. Develop other friendships and real relationships, then his minimal efforts will be seen as insignificant - which they are.

romdowa · 28/01/2023 21:21

As the sibling of an alcoholic, my advice is to run. Don't entangle yourself in his problems. You'll end up used and traumatised while he drinks and lies.
Aa means nothing, my sibling often went to a meeting then all then off on a bender with the other lads from the meeting.