It’s definitely not a fantasy. Many people really do fall in love and remain in love for 50 odd years. I have seen it. And I wouldn’t say it’s rare. If I had to put a figure on it, I’d say around a quarter of people who marry stay happy and in love.

But not everyone is cut out for that kind of life. We have this silly delusion (backed by films and novels) that everyone, barring the odd loner or freak, is yearning for lifelong love. In reality, some people don’t want to be absorbed into coupledom. They cherish their independence too much. There are many very happy single people who never married at all - not because they couldn’t find anyone but because they did want to. In my experience, the happiest people are either in a good relationship, or they are single (by choice). The most unhappy are trapped in bad relationships. And people really do get trapped, for a variety of reasons (money, kids, social shame, fear of being alone, fear of not coping, etc).

Also, that kind of deep love is risky. Sooner or later one of you will die. My aunt, for example, married when she was 18. She’d had an unhappy childhood, and he was like her saviour (he was also the only man in Britain who’d have put up with her!). They had a great life together, but then he died, after 60 years of marriage. She has since fallen apart, and now lives in a fog of anti-depressants, rage and alcohol. She simply can’t cope without him.

Also, that kind of deep love is risky. Sooner or later one of you will die

Wow. What's the opposite of searching and searching for a silver lining? And what's the point in anything, if we're all going to die...?

I think OP is asking two different questions.

1. Is it possible to be 'in love' in a LTR, smile when they walk in a room, miss them when they are gone, be so happy about it all?
   
   Yes possible, IMO rare, not something to aim for due to being very unlikely and increasingly so as you get older. Can't base your plans around winning the lotto either.
   
   
2. Should I leave my relationship?
   
   Sort of sounds like it OP.

Perhaps "in love" means different things to different people? For me, it means I am always happy to see his beautiful face, his smile. I always have his back and he has mine. I never, ever piss and moan about him to other people and I love the bones of him -every hair on his head. He is the only man I have ever known that makes me feel "at home". We've been married 22 years. Of all the couples I know, I only know one happy couple - they are in their late 70s. The rest of them I know? They aren't happy at all -together for convenience, money, kids. Some of them actually hate each other.

@JoonT your aunt sounds lucky to have had a long happy marriage after her rocky childhood. I'm sorry she's feeling so bad now. I've been with my husband almost 12 years. I'm not sure how I would ever cope without him either, I have such a fear of losing him as we get older. I feel so lucky to have had these happy years and look forward to many more. Selfishly I hope I go before he does. I know I need to do something about these fears as we're both only 38. Happy relationships do exist. I can't look into the forte but can't imagine ever wanting to split up with my husband.

Into the future*

It seems only a small of relationships retain the loved-up, 'truly, madly, deeply' passion for the long-term....

The issue is that the majority of us tend to assume that this is the ideal to which relationships should aspire, and we feel we're failing and the truth of the phrase 'comparison is the thief of joy' becomes apparent.

However, although I'm happy for those people in such long-term 'blissful' relationships, I don't think it's something I actually want...

Whereas being 'in love' is very pleasurable, it is intense and all-consuming, and existing in such a febrile state of obsession permanently with your partner would lead to a loss of perspective and sense of self, and an unhealthy dependency.

The few couples I've seen like this are frankly tiresome to be around, and closed off from developing meaningful relationships with others, with a disproportionate amount of their emotional energies focussed on their partners and 'their bones'.

So 'love' as a deep, abiding feeling of connection and respect, coupled with enough passion, sex and romance to add excitement and fun in an otherwise balanced life, "yes".... But being 'in love' with all the butterflies, intensity and breathless, all-consuming passion that entails, "no, thanks" at least as the settle state of a long-term relationship.

Yes possible, IMO rare, not something to aim for due to being very unlikely and increasingly so as you get older. Can't base your plans around winning the lotto either.

Just to add, being hopelessly "in love" long-term isn't like winning the lotto at all... it's an unbalanced, unhealthy obsession with another individual.

What's that about bones? 😂

@Cats4life

I am completely head over heels for my husband and he is for me. We are in love. Yes the giddy feeling of falling in love is gone (is that what someone meant when they referenced teenagers) but what is left is love.

When someone says they're "completely head over heels" in love that equates to the "giddy feeling of falling in love" to me, and yet you're saying you're one but not the other?! I think we can get tied up in language when talking about "love".

I think you can be so deeply, dependently in love with a partner that it can be unhealthy... Love makes life worth living, but there's healthy love, and there's obsessive devotion to exclusion of everyone and everything else.

I was referencing those people who say they "love the bones" of their DH to emphasise how much in love they are.

Oh, those bones! :)

Sure, some people are so reliant on their partner that they don't have much other support. But I'd call that an unhealthy lack of self-sufficiency, not an unhealthy kind of love. You can love your partner bones and all but still have friends and an independent life. I think, if anything, it's the other way round: when there's not much going on in your life apart from your partner, you're more likely to bang on about him all the time. That is, it isn't the love you declare that's making your life otherwise empty.

Yes, that makes sense. It's that over-reliance and dependency which i think can manifest itself in the intense 'loved-up' feelings. I see on here sometimes where people can express being strongly in love despite being in the shittiest of relationships.

My strongest 'in love' feelings were with someone I was never quite sure felt the same (for good reason) and the emotions that led to were extremely intense and actually not all that pleasant looking back on it. Was that "true love"?
Obviously not, and I have been in love and had a long-term loving marriage since (though that has now ended after many years).

I just associate all this "loved-up", "head over heels", "love their bones",
"truly, madly, deeply" stuff as the kind of language that describes the frenzied super-intense feelings I felt in that failed very dependent relationship, rather than the abiding, peaceful and deep love of a solid and trusting relationship.

I always thought the ’in love’ part was after you got to know them, the ugly side and all and got beyond look, superficial status stuff, looks and if they have it - sex.

The part where couple chooses each other, not hormones or co-dependency or money or status, or possible - if they want them - kids.

What / when is that part?

That's what I would call loving someone rather than being "in love". The definition below I found just now in Google aligns with how I understand it.


"Being in love involves focusing more on how your partner makes you feel rather than the other way around. Loving someone, however, involves going out of your way to make your partner's day special in order to make them happy."

Based on that definition, we're happy. Always pleased to hear his keys in the lock, we enjoy each others company and laugh a lot. There's of course hard times but we're a team and the world is a much better place because we're in it together.
Been together 18 years

Happiness is only one of a huge range of emotions. I'm not sure why it is so fashionable to be concerned if we deviate from it. There seems to be an obsession that if we are not happy, something is wrong. No one is happy all the time. No one is happy in their relationship all the time. Or in their work. Or their social life. Or their body. Or their child rearing.

I'd never expect DH to make me happy. That's my job. Over the course of a very long marriage he has driven me up the bend occasionally and I've done the same to him. But we love and like and respect each other, and show it often. He tries (and usually succeeds) to be considerate. We have a lot in common and we have fun together often. I am very glad he is in my life and hope he always will be.

OP, I think you are referring to the 'biological dream'
You are right in feeling that there 'is more'

You might find this website useful: It helped me a lot:

www.alturtle.com/archives/801