What percentage of people are in love / happy?

[DanglyThings]

When you look around, do you see couples who are happy and in love, or do you see couples muddling along getting from one day to the next?

I ask as I wonder if I'm expecting too much, or chasing a fantasy that doesn't exist.

I'm not in love
So don't forget it
It's just a silly phase I'm going through......

Going back to your original post OP, I think it would be interesting to know the answer.

I was with my exH for 12 years. Thought we were happy until he had an affair. After we split and in hindsight I realised we'd been muddling a long for years. Felt comfortable in the marriage and not unhappy but not deliriously happy either. Were close friends, good parents, average sex life but now looking back it felt like we were going through the motions.

I was then single for 6 years and used to look at couples - either friends/relatives or strangers in supermarkets etc and wonder how many of them were actually happy. So many couples walking around with their faces tripping them and snapping at each other. I used to be in the company of friends with their spouses and wonder if they were actually happy to be with each other. Or seeing couples sitting opposite each other for a meal on their phones or in silence

I found it really strange that my mind starting to focus on it as my exH and I would have appeared exactly the same prior to splitting but I'd never have given it a 2nd thought back then.

That's one of the things that made me happy to be single. I'd rather be happy on my own than muddle along in a relationship.

6 years of dating and not settling for anyone for the sake of it and im with the most amazing man. So so happy and can't ever imagine being in a situation with him where we'd muddle along.

However that's easy to say when it's fresh and new, no shared responsibilities or stresses to bicker about.....yet. I wonder if it just happens so gradually and creeps up on us so we don't notice?!

I'm 42. Husband is 47.
We sometimes have arguments and low moments within those arguments.

However, we absolutely are still in love. I look forward to seeing him and he is the same with me.

We have sex every day, sometimes more than once a day, unless one of us is away.

We are tactile and loving.
We don't avoid one another, but we both have healthy space apart outside of our marriage.

Are you struggling OP?

It absolutely is OP! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Yes, life is sometimes hard work and you have struggles. But love IS real and it does exist and it's what makes life worth it for me.

I adore my DH, would anyone else be able to tell that? I don’t know. Out of the house we lean in to each other/hold each other’s hand sometimes/give each other a kiss hello or goodbye, and behave affectionately and warm at all times as we are…but nobody else can tell from that how close we are inside our own home. And therefore it will be like this for others. And the opposite - people who look loved up (especially on SM) who actually are not.

Thank you @Amuseaboosh Yes I am struggling. I don't want to be one of those older couples who bicker around the shops and look like they're full of regret, having only stayed together out of old fashioned duty. Thinking about this reminds me of something I saw recently in the chemists. There was a lady in her 60s waiting for a prescription. Her phone rang and I could hear her husband shouting at her down the phone for being out for so long. She tried to calmly explain that she had to wait longer than she expected for the prescription and she'd be back home soon. She also tried to quietly let him know that everyone nearby could hear him, and after the call ended with him cutting her off, I could see her wiping away a few tears. I so wish I had asked if she was ok, and I still think about her, hoping she's ok. She looked lovely and deserved so much better. My husband isn't abusive, but I feel so lonely and unwanted as a woman, and I'm resentful towards him. I just want someone who is excited to see me and someone to cuddle with when I feel sad, and to share a story like this with. And a massive shag!!!

Many couples broke up when we hit our forties, not affairs just kids leaving for uni so what is the point of pretending anymore. The couples I know well and we are now in our fifties apart from one couple enjoy being together. I look forward to seeing DH every evening.

I do understand how you're feeling. I was married previously for 20 years. I had 3 children in that marriage, achieved wonderful things professionally, and for some time my ex-husband and I were happy.

We should have gone our separate ways after about 10 years and the birth of our 2 daughters. But we didn't. We carried on for the sake of carrying on. We carried on knowing we weren't enjoying being with one another. We were not in love, and we did not even have love left. Our sex life was never good but it was 'ok'.
I felt unwanted, insignificant, alone, so alone and very unhappy. On the outside everything was great, what was there to be unhappy about, right? But I wasn't living. I was existing. And I don't mean I needed fireworks and violins. I just needed to feel connected and wanted.

8 years after my divorce, I met my DH. We got married last year. THIS is living and I have promised myself that should I ever find myself in a similar situation, I'll try and fix it but if not, I'll walk away.

OP, you get on shot at this life. Please don't think you have to keep living like this, it's actually better to be alone. The hard part is that once you know you're unhappy, you can't un'know it, and that means you either keep comprising and suffocating or go through the painful change needed to set you free.

And yes, a good shag with someone you feel wanted and loved by, attracted to, it's fucking amazing! (Excuse my language.)

Oh and what finally ended my marriage was my ex-husband having an affair. He did me a favour because it was my get out. But I wish, I WISH I hadn't wasted so many years settling and being apathetic to my own happiness. It was miserable.

It's definitely possible. I know lots of couples who are very obviously happy, in love, like to spend time together and definitely don't dread getting home. I know plenty who seem to just be getting by, too, and don't seem miserable. And I know a few who aren't happy at all.

Anecdotally, all the properly, obviously still In Love couples I know are childfree. It does look, from the outside, like having kids seems to change the relationship slightly - make it less about your happiness with each other and more about getting on with things (at least while they're younger - none of my friends' kids are older than 12).

Been married 42 years and definitely still in love. We get on so well, are best friends as well as husband and wife.

I look forward every day to DH coming home from work. I am quite happy at home on my own, pottering around, reading, watching tv etc but I am always happy when he walks through the door.

Lots of our friends are divorced and some are remarried (some more than once). Some seem happy and some don't.

It's not that easy to know whether a couple are happy or not though unless they argue all the time or, on the other hand, are holding hands, hugging or whatever all the time.

Me and DH hold hands a lot indoors and out and hug a lot indoors.

I am very early 50s.

I[d say 75% of my friends (all walks of life/education and wealth/success) are not happy or are getting divorced. Including me. These are the couples I know about. I suspect some are hiding it or have too much to loose.

Depressing.

Most of the women I know in the 50s and above group are in shite marriages with moderate to severe abuse but they won't leave because they can't bear to compromise on the cushy lifestyle. (this is what they've told me) Every now and then they nudge towards divorce then step back again.

I had mediocre relationships that I tried to make work despite difficulties. We rubbed along. In fact I'm still friends with 2, we just grew apart and after a while the nagatives started to out weighed the benefits of being in a relationship. Compromises that meant nobody was happy. I thought all relationships were like this.

I met my current partner and he's amazing. I was worried the honey moon period would end and we would lull into everyday life. Nope. 4 years and we are as silly, tactile and loving as ever. We click in a way I've never clicked with anybody before. We both want some pretty crazy things, dreams that I didn't think anybody would ever share with me, the odds were so insurmountable that I actually never thought I'd meet somebody with even the vaguest interest in any of those things. We do bicker of course when things are stressful, but we are both respectful and kind snd quick to forgive and make amends. We spend all our time together, I mean all of it. Work from home together, shower together, and it suits us just fine because it feels like I'm hanging out with my best friend all day which is amazing. We chat absolute nonsense all the time and are quite silly when we're alone but we are also both private people who don't really let anybody else know our real personalities. We both have a serious, reserved, sensible and perhaps even boring version of ourselves we show to the world. Its perfect. I found my person.

I could reframe that... so many people are restarting their lives in their 50s. Once DCs leave and they know what they truly want.

@Amuseaboosh yes, once you know how unhappy you are, that's it, no going back. It took a counsellor to assure me my feelings were valid and I wasn't being ungrateful or selfish. But that just opened a can of worms that are still wiggling around to this day and won't stop til I resolve the situation. Part of me wishes I'd kept the lid on and carried on as I was, and I know that my husband thinks the same. If I had never gone to counselling, these thoughts would never have occurred to me, apparently, and I wouldn't have created the miserable atmosphere in the house...
I so wish he would have an affair, or just do something 'enough' to justify me putting an end to it. It feels like slow torture.

If you have the right partner , you can be very happy with each other 'til the end of your days and it shouldn't be hard going to make it work. Obviously external influences and misfortune can make life tough. You're not with the right person if you dread his presence. You are better off single.

If a couple make eachother laugh, that's a good sign. Most of our friends and family are still together and seem happy. I've been married 46 years.

You don't need justification. You and he both deserve to have peace if nothing else.

You are not doing anything wrong by understanding your needs and realising that they are not being met. You aren't a had person for wanting to feel like you matter. Guilt is a normal part of the process, accept it and move on.

Doing nothing means you stay as you are, tortured.
Ending things will bring you some misery but it will also bring you the feeling of being able to breathe and just 'be'.

What do you want?

Yes, almost all of the couples that seem happy that we know are childfree and all on their first marriages of at least 29 years.

Me and DH are childfree too.

Looking forward to going home and dreading him coming in are the opposite ends of a wide spectrum. People I know are generally in between. Don't mind if he's there, not fussed if he's not. Casual, low level fondness, occasional irritation, part of the furniture kind of thing.
Does it make them happier? Maybe, given going it alone can be challenging and lonely for some, and people often prefer to maintain the comfort of their habits. But possibly not as happy as they could potentially be; as if they left the relationship they might find something more exciting and fulfilling, either in another relationship or just enjoying the total freedom of being single.
Leaving something 'good enough' for the unknown is a risk though isn't it? And most people are quite risk adverse.

Anyone in this situation isn’t happy or in love even if they present that image to the rest of the world.

No, you shouldn’t feel dread at the thought of your partner coming home.

No, you shouldn’t have to go off into another room to avoid them.

Yes, you should be okay with the thought of having sex with them, or at least, not repulsed by the idea.

Only you know the reasons you’re choosing (?) to stay with someone who makes you feel this way and act like this.

Yes. At first read I thought you were chasing a rainbow, but yes my partner is a decent person who I look forward to seeing and enjoy being in the same room as. It doesn't seem a lot to ask.

Yes, almost all of the couples that seem happy that we know are childfree and all on their first marriages of at least 29 years.

We couldn't be more opposite! We have a child, have been married 9 years and it's my second marriage! Still madly in love!

I so wish he would have an affair, or just do something 'enough' to justify me putting an end to it. It feels like slow torture.

Being unhappy is a perfectly valid reason for ending a marriage.
You only get one life. Don't spend it being miserable.

I don't know any unhappy couples. Unless they hide it very well or have secret but working coping mechanisms, they don't seem to be muddling