What percentage of people are in love / happy?

[DanglyThings]

When you look around, do you see couples who are happy and in love, or do you see couples muddling along getting from one day to the next?

I ask as I wonder if I'm expecting too much, or chasing a fantasy that doesn't exist.

[Watchkeys]

@DanglyThings

See @drivingavanbacknorth it's comments like yours that make me think I am being unrealistic and that being in love doesn't apply within a marriage, or any adult relationship. But surely life isn't that bleak?! Surely being in love is a real achievable thing?? Please tell me it is!!! 😨

Plenty of others on the thread, myself included, telling you that they are in love with their partner, happy, and well into adulthood. If some random stranger thinks that 'in love is a nonsensical term', what does it matter? Some people think pigs fly. Would they make you question all the other people who say pigs don't? Or would you just think that perhaps pigs fly in their world, but not in yours?

[drivingavanbacknorth]

@DanglyThings

See @drivingavanbacknorth it's comments like yours that make me think I am being unrealistic and that being in love doesn't apply within a marriage, or any adult relationship. But surely life isn't that bleak?! Surely being in love is a real achievable thing?? Please tell me it is!!! 😨

I'm not sure how you view being 'in love' and perhaps it is different to how I view it.
Don't aim to be 'in love' because it is a fleeting state to be in, in the grand scheme of things. I assume you would like a lasting and loving and faithful relationship with one special person? That person would support you in your endeavours, be there for you if you feel down, laugh with you? You and this other person would spend quality time together, forsaking all others. He(?) would be the sort of person who would offer to do things for you without you having to ask. He may well end up knowing you better than you know yourself. He will be reliable and you will feel so much happier for seeing his smiling face greet you when you've been apart even after 50 years together?

[DanglyThings]

Yes @drivingavanbacknorth that's a good description of what I would like. To me, all of that is love, which can also include being in love. I would just like love from another human, aside from my kids.

And @Watchkeys yes I can see lots of responses from people who are happy and fulfilled. But because of my silly head, I'll always focus on the negative responses. Not just here, but in all of life 😣

[Watchkeys]

Don't aim to be 'in love' because it is a fleeting state to be in

Clearly not the case for everybody, as others on the thread are saying that they've been in love and lust for years.

Just because one person hasn't experienced something, it doesn't mean that nobody has. If that one person tells their truth as if it is objective, you need to think about whether you want to respect that person's opinion over others who are telling you otherwise.

Essentially, ask yourself why you would more trust the voice of doubt than the voices of experience.

[drivingavanbacknorth]

I hope that you will come to realise my response has not been negative @DanglyThings but might guide you to reframe what it is you want.

Love takes time to mature. Don't be too disheartened about how many people you might meet or date that do not measure up to your standards. Eventually, there will be someone for you. It might help if you focus on your own needs then someone invariably pops up when you least expect it! Stay away from charmers.

[Watchkeys]

You haven't got a silly head, @DanglyThings , but your choice to have this negative self view will scupper your chances of finding a loving and healthy relationship.

Look inward before you look outward. Your responsibility is to make you happy. How do you expect to do that if you're under a negative and critical gaze? Who is ever happy in those circumstances?

[BeaBachinasec]

Some people think pigs fly. Would they make you question all the other people who say pigs don't? Or would you just think that perhaps pigs fly in their world, but not in yours?

@Watchkeys wtf are you going on about?

[Alcemeg]

I'm in my 60s and very happily married. But it's my second marriage. Until about 10 years ago, my relationships were pretty crap and I saw no evidence of anyone else's being much better.

[80s]

I won't get to spend 50 years with my dp - we're too old. But after 6 years he makes my heart melt with behaviour exactly like that described by drivingavanbacknorth. Those are now my relationship goals too.

[Fladdermus]

I think of 'in love' as that giddy, fluttery feeling you get when you first start your life together. I don't feel that anymore but I'm still very happy and love my husband very much and I know he feels the same. We have the relationship @drivingavanbacknorth describes and I can't imagine life without him. But I wouldn't describe that as 'in love'.

[Watchkeys]

@BeaBachinasec

It's called an analogy, but don't worry if you didn't understand it, because it wasn't directed at you.

[Wailywailywaily]

If you look to the future, do you want your future self to be in a relationship with someone that they don’t want to spend time with?
I thought I was happily married right up to the pint that I realised that I wasn’t and left him. I now find that I can make plans for my future that I want to be involved in rather than making plans on how to appease him.

[80s]

It's called an analogy
😂 was going to say the same but I thought I'd leave you to it

[Pseudonamed]

Happy people don't make condescending remarks...

We are decades over 15, happy, in love and still hold hands and gaze into each others eyes, whisper in each others ears etc.

[BeaBachinasec]

@Watchkeys

@BeaBachinasec

It's called an analogy, but don't worry if you didn't understand it, because it wasn't directed at you.

It doesn't work as an analogy @Watchkeys - it was nonsense.

And @drivingavanbacknorth was just giving her perfectly valid opinion - no need to pounce on her with accusation of "passive aggression"

[Bryzoan]

@DanglyThings - what you describe isn’t muddling along. It sounds horrible, not sustainable, and not a good idea to try and sustain. It is not at all unrealistic to want more from a relationship than this. Be brave and good luck.

[drivingavanbacknorth]

It is natural for people to be protective over the notion that they and their partner are in love with one another. It's a form of strong attachment to the notion of a state of being (in love). But it is a childish notion.

When drilled down, being 'in love' isn't what people are yearning for at all. They yearn for love in action - compassion, joy, kindness. When people experience this type of love in action for their special person and their children, they often find that their capacity for love grows beyond the immediate family.

[Idontknowhatnametochoose]

I'm not sure but I think a lot depends on willingness to make it work and ability to communicate effectively. Every relationship has bad patches. There needs to be respect for oneself and their partner. Also being happy alone is a good sign of a healthy partnership.

I'm not talking about abuse of any kind.

Love isn't just an emotion it's an action.

[80s]

But @drivingavanbacknorth - what you describe as a good relationship - "He will be reliable and you will feel so much happier for seeing his smiling face greet you when you've been apart" - is what makes me say I'm in love with my partner. When he says something and I realised he understands me better than I can describe, or when he goes out of his way to do something for me, or we have a laugh over something stupid, then I feel love for him. My heart melts. You clearly feel or have felt all that, but you just don't call it "being in love". That doesn't mean the notions you entertain are any more adult :)

[ethelredonagoodday]

I'd say now we are at a stage of 50/50. In our early 40s I'd have said, oh look at us, we're surrounded by people who are still really happy with each other. But in the last few years I've definitely changed my mind on that. Some friends divorced, or in the process of separating, some staying together, but for the sake of the kids/finances, and some who still seem genuinely happy together.

We went through a very difficult patch, but worked at it and are now probably in a better place than we've ever been. But it wasn't easy to get to that! And we still have days when we drive each other mad. Sex life is ok, probably once every couple of weeks? He'd like more, but it's not that easy with older kids and lack of time alone!

If you're dreading seeing your husband OP, I think that speaks volumes.

[Riapia]

Love is blind.

Just a personal experience from meeting a charming and loving man who turned into a lying cheating bastard.

[80s]

DanglyThings, it's true that a relationship needs work - well, it needs care and attention - but remember that doesn't automatically mean that if the relationship is poor then you're not working on it hard enough. Your dp has to work on it too. And sometimes all the work in the world is not going to repair it as you've simply grown apart.

[Gymmum82]

Most of my friends are happy enough in their relationships. They all moan about their husbands in one way or another though.
I don’t think it’s normal to dread going home and sit upstairs to stay away from your partner but I also don’t think that being in love and lust really lasts much beyond the first 10 years. I love my husband but I’m not in love. We get on very well as friends. We enjoy each other’s company but we don’t have sex much. I don’t want to. I’m not sure if he does. The thought gives me the ick. But the thought of having sex with anyone does.
Relationships are hard and we’ve had our ups and downs. Bringing up children is also hard. I think once the friendship has gone there isn’t really much left

[VioletaDelValle]

I am being unrealistic and that being in love doesn't apply within a marriage, or any adult relationship. But surely life isn't that bleak?! Surely being in love is a real achievable thing?? Please tell me it is!!! 😨

Of course being in love can apply within a marriage and adult relationship. I am in love with my DH. We've been together 10 years and we would both still describe ourselves as being 'in love' without a doubt.

[Watchkeys]

@BeaBachinasec

Thanks so much for your criticism, I'll be careful how I phrase things in future, in light of your wisdom.

@drivingavanbacknorth

You sound like the authority on the subject. I'll let my partner know immediately that we're actually not in love, and that to think so is childish. What fools we've been all this time.

So much deep knowledge on the thread, and so much to learn from such oracles...