Fiancé hates my family

[Dad394]

Getting married in 5 months and my fiancée hates my family, it’s ruining everything.

We had a dream wedding planned since we was young in Portugal, when we expressed to my family the plans and that our wedding is going to be “child free” all hell broke loose.

My Mother said she was not coming, my other family members said I was silly and stupid and should rethink as my brother and 2 sisters have really young kids, all under 3. We want a child free wedding and I give them so many options and offered to pay for other family members to come to look after the kids for the 6 hours the wedding was on. All fell of deaf ears.

This led to us changing everything and are now getting married on our own abroad and having a UK party for family. Now my wife to be feels my mum has ruined the best moment/time of her life, and she will never get this back, something she has always dreamed of and my family has ruined for her. She has so much anger towards my family and even though my family has said sorry and that they would make it work, it was already ruined for us. 

I have explained to my family all how I feel, how they have made us feel and what they have done and ruined. And told them to just not talk about the wedding coming up to us and just try move on as it’s really ruined the relationship.

I am now arguing everyday with my partner and my relationship with my family is at the lowest it has ever been, I feel like I really have no option but to be a punching bag for everyone to express how they feel, if I speak to my family my partner gets angry as it’s always wedding related, if I don’t speak to my family the relationship gets worse.

My partner now hates me speaking to my family, wants to know every conversation I have with them even if it’s on the phone I have to explain what was said. My mother is still talking about the wedding party to me 3/4 times a week to try to feel involved and make things easier and it’s infuriating my partner and I told her to stop talking about it. To the point if I get a text from my family it will ruin our entire day, as my partner thinks they are trying to get involved and she does not want them involved or talking about her wedding. She said she doesn’t want my mum to be allowed to talk about the wedding to me also.

Its gotten to a really low point and I have no idea what to do as I am now stuck in the middle, does my partner need to calm down and realise I could lose all my family over this and work together to sort it, or do my family need to back off and realise they have ruined everything and give us space for now.

Wedding have become less about love and more about ego. That's just my opinion.
If you can't include children, then you probably quite intolerant people. Was it worth it?

Personally, I'd rather have children playing up and everyone happy!

I was going to make a similar response to the above. Such nonsense about: "Now my wife to be feels my mum has ruined the best moment/time of her life, and she will never get this back, something she has always dreamed of and my family has ruined for her." If your fiancée truly believes her wedding day is the best moment of her life which she has always dreamed of, how on earth is she going to survive living daily life as a married woman once the wedding is over? I'm another one suggesting you run for the hills before the wedding, @Dad394, this marriage is going to end badly if you go ahead with it.

@BadNomad i disagree the wedding was canceled due to her throwing a strop. It was cancelled because people in interfered as they deemed that the wedding was not to their standard or what they think a wedding should be. And all this has blown up now stemming from that
@Dad394 read what @eyope says. Totally agree with this

It's unusual but reasonable to want a child free wedding. (It's also reasonable for invitees to say "no thanks, this doesn't work for us, I'm afraid we can't come on the day".)

But it genuinely scares me that she doesn't want you in any contact with your family at all (after they've apologised and made amends). She doesn't even know for sure that you're talking about the wedding - it sounds like she just wants you to cut them off completely no matter what.

Nobody who truly loves their partner wants them isolated and estranged from others, not least a family who loves and cares for them. My own partner isn't always on the same page as my own family (very different family cultures) but he has always encouraged me to sort things out with my family or just to enjoy their company during stressful times.

I think you and your fiance are both in a horrid situation that's just spiralling out of control.

Maybe you need to cancel the wedding plans and take some time to both be 100% that you can move on from this in terms of family contact? To bring children into this would be unthinkable as it is.

What was stopping the wedding from going ahead with her family and the rest of his and all their friends?

Agree . It’s one day , totally over the top response and she sounds like incredibly hard work

This …… there will no be an ongoing excuse for everything that goes wrong . I might be re-thinking the wedding .

Judging by what he said his mum wouldn't hear of it.

There is nothing wrong with you posting here, it's what this forum is for! I have only read your post and replies, not the whole thread so I don't know what other posters are saying but ignore the other posters who are attacking you.

Having a childfree wedding is the norm since society enacted safeguarding and realised some risque speeches and adult behaviour is not appropriate for them. Children do not belong at weddings, weddings are 'adults only' event. And I don't care what any other poster wants to chime in at me, I will never change my mind on this, I know how children interrupt, carry on and ruin weddings. Not to mention they are bored shitless and would rather attend another day at school than a wedding. It's not for children, that's my firm belief, and I wouldn't go to a wedding where children are, on principle. Unfortunately your mother (who should know better about not having children there) has really fucked things up for you majorly. She, and the others, are incredibly selfish wreckers. It's now made your fiance neurotic. I can understand her anger. However she really needs to calm down because she chose to marry into your family and they will be her family and relatives so she needs to find a way to deal with this.

Way too much drama over a wedding.
Bottom line; your fiancee is a control freak and It will only get worse. personally I would be calling off the wedding.

We don't have kids, the last wedding we went to was child free and we see how everyone let loose and had a great time. This was due to the kids being looked after and they could let their hair down.

I hated invites like this- finding childcare was a huge issue that I suppose you've tried to find a way round - but also the worry about very young kids and in my case bf meaning I'd have to pump and dump most of the evening anyway but attitude this was a huge favour to me I was turning down and offending them by doing so - rather than an expensive stressful event I'd happily decline and send DH by self ( though not aboard due to cost or only ones we were invited to were expensive abroad ) or just a nice present.

I don't get why if you know your mother is an issue you either didn't stand firm to start with - knowing it would be an issue from the off - I think that's why your Fiancé is so pissed off - she feels lack of support and is probably worried about future plans being derailed - in fact I'm surprised Fiancé isn't rethinking the whole relationship.

(I'm also wondering now if some of these children are the OPs - and that's the real issue - getting married without own children there as it spoils future step mums picture perfect wedding - in which case run a mile)

I feel like I really have no option but to be a punching bag for everyone to express how they feel

I encourage you to really think about this feeling, whether it's a pattern in your life, what the root causes of it are. It seems a bit like you're a people-pleaser and a lot of people in your life are taking advantage of that to behave appallingly.

All hell breaking loose is not a normal response by your family to your wedding plans. Disappointment I can understand, but reasonable adults are able to express that without dramatics and hostility.

Similarly your fiancee is entitled to feel hurt by their reaction but she's also taking drama and hostility to a quite unnecessary level by holding on to that and her extremely controlling behaviour since.

We don't have kids, the last wedding we went to was child free and we see how everyone let loose and had a great time. This was due to the kids being looked after and they could let their hair down.

Presumably being looked after by someone the parents know and trust, child is already familiar with, and most likely has been looked after by before?

Whereas your childcare solution is hoping that some random family member will jump at the chance for a free holiday if they don't mind looking after 3 young children for 6 hours.

You have been very naive about how this would work IMO.

A wedding isn’t “ Important “ in the terms of a marriage.

What matters is compatibility and compromise.

This woman is deeply controlling and that does not auger well for future happiness.
Getting along with in laws ( On both sides) takes maturity and give and take that seems to be in short supply in this instance.

Wedding days are over in a flash. Relationsips with family/friends are far more important, that one day!

I think it’s selfish and ridiculous to want a child free wedding when you have a family with lots of kids. I still don’t get why the need for a so called perfect instagram day trumps celebrating with your family which includes your nieces and nephews etc.

But it’s your call and a call you should make knowing there are problem who will decide not to come to the wedding due that decision simple.

Your fiancée seems to have fetishized the wedding too much, trust me it’s just one day and the important thing is you build a happy successful marriage not a perfect wedding day. The hatred she is holding in her heart will lead to lots more pain and anguish down the line and can have ramifications for your marriage. You should both go for therapy/counseling to work through this rather than let it continue to fester.

It 'works' for most people. What do these clingy parents do when they have to go to a hen's night or some other adult only function? Do some of these clingy parents never leave their children 24/7? They'd do what they'd do any other time they have to go some place where children can't go.

Absolutely batshit start to the second paragraph. Good job reviving a thread that was starting to get a bit repetitive with this glorious madness.

Child-free weddings can work, and destination weddings can work, but a child-free destination wedding when the groom's three siblings ALL have young children, was a pretty terrible idea. It smacks of your fiancee trying to exclude your siblings right from the start, as it's picking a wedding plan that is asymmetrically burdensome only on your siblings, and not on hers, since her siblings don't have young children.

Claiming that you accommodated your siblings by offering to have a family member babysit the kids during the wedding is a bit of a red herring here. You were asking your siblings to pay multiple plane fares, for themselves, a spouse, AND their children, and presumably hotel fees, in addition to all the usual expenses of attending a family wedding, and to go through enormous hassle (traveling by plane with young kids is very burdensome) and then have their kids babysat at the wedding which would also be stressful, and the whole time there's this attitude that their kids are not welcome at the wedding. Ugh. And that's beside the entire aspect that, who exactly was going to babysit the kids? You were offering to fly out yet another in-law to babysit? So in addition to all your siblings, their spouses, their children, having to make this big trip just to be at your amazing wedding where part of their families were unwanted, they have to beg another relative to also inconvenience themselves to make an international trip to babysit the kids that were unwanted at your wedding? This relative would surely be more than delighted to undergo the preparation, packing, having a cr@p meal, and no fun, and babysitting three kids under 2 (!) so that you could have the child-free wedding of your dreams. Of course.

Or, well the alternative could be that any of your siblings who didn't feel up to this massive trek, wouldn't have to come to your wedding. Which, I hope you realise, might have ended up as your wedding celebration having all HER siblings present, none of whom have kids, but none of YOUR siblings.

Do you not see the way this wedding plan favors her family over yours? And you're surprised your family weren't over the moon with delight at this plan?

What? Mum was going to phone up personally to cancel the wedding? Seeing as no one is going to the wedding now, there really was no point in cancelling it. It achieved nothing. So, again, IMO she's throwing a stop because people weren't complying with her plans. They decided people would have more fun without children. The people with children didn't agree.

No, selfish and ridiculous is dragging bored shitless children to an adults function that holds no interest for them, and have them shout, scream and run around interrupting anyone. If childfree weddings are 'selfish and ridiculous', so is going to work, a hens do, anything where under 18s aren't allowed.

i agree with @Inkpotlover and @Rowen32 and @eyope You have backed down on what both of your wedding dreams to please what your family deem acceptable to them

Except that they wanted other people to cooperate and attend the wedding.

I think you have to choose between your fiancée and your family here. Trying to combine them sounds like you would be in hell for the rest of your life.

Are her family nice enough that you could hang out with them and not miss your own family?

@Dacadactyl they said they would fly over family members to look after the children?

@BadNomad they said they would fly over family members to look after the children?