Fiancé hates my family

[Dad394]

Getting married in 5 months and my fiancée hates my family, it’s ruining everything.

We had a dream wedding planned since we was young in Portugal, when we expressed to my family the plans and that our wedding is going to be “child free” all hell broke loose.

My Mother said she was not coming, my other family members said I was silly and stupid and should rethink as my brother and 2 sisters have really young kids, all under 3. We want a child free wedding and I give them so many options and offered to pay for other family members to come to look after the kids for the 6 hours the wedding was on. All fell of deaf ears.

This led to us changing everything and are now getting married on our own abroad and having a UK party for family. Now my wife to be feels my mum has ruined the best moment/time of her life, and she will never get this back, something she has always dreamed of and my family has ruined for her. She has so much anger towards my family and even though my family has said sorry and that they would make it work, it was already ruined for us. 

I have explained to my family all how I feel, how they have made us feel and what they have done and ruined. And told them to just not talk about the wedding coming up to us and just try move on as it’s really ruined the relationship.

I am now arguing everyday with my partner and my relationship with my family is at the lowest it has ever been, I feel like I really have no option but to be a punching bag for everyone to express how they feel, if I speak to my family my partner gets angry as it’s always wedding related, if I don’t speak to my family the relationship gets worse.

My partner now hates me speaking to my family, wants to know every conversation I have with them even if it’s on the phone I have to explain what was said. My mother is still talking about the wedding party to me 3/4 times a week to try to feel involved and make things easier and it’s infuriating my partner and I told her to stop talking about it. To the point if I get a text from my family it will ruin our entire day, as my partner thinks they are trying to get involved and she does not want them involved or talking about her wedding. She said she doesn’t want my mum to be allowed to talk about the wedding to me also.

Its gotten to a really low point and I have no idea what to do as I am now stuck in the middle, does my partner need to calm down and realise I could lose all my family over this and work together to sort it, or do my family need to back off and realise they have ruined everything and give us space for now.

You’re making excuses for her.

Your post is “Fiancé hates my family”
it Sounds much more like “me and fiancé hate my family”

You can be in agreement with your fiancé by all means, but you must be able to see how controlling she is toward you.. and the feet stamping about your mother contacting? The ‘ruined day’ if she so much as texts? It’s all a huge red flag.

not having children explains why you would want a child free wedding, which is absolutely fine. But no, I wouldn’t ‘Juno at the chance’ to be flew out to a foreign country to look after any children, my own or anyone else’s.. that’s not a ‘free holiday’ - that’s babysitting abroad.

Also, if you don’t have children why is your username dad?

i agree with @Inkpotlover and @Rowen32 and @eyope You have backed down on what both of your wedding dreams to please what your family deem acceptable to them. I am sorry i wouldn't be happy with that. I have seen 1st hand how weddings can get out of control due to families interference. Hence when i was planning mine we had everything booked and organized before we told anyone that it was arranged. Is this what your life is going to be like ? Every decision you make as a couple criticized and scrutinized by your family ? What's next ? They don't like where you live pick where you should live based on what they want ? I agree that some of your fiancés actions now are not acceptable but i think she has been pushed to the extreme. I think you should put the wedding on pause, have counselling and also have some hard conversations with your family about their interference. If you have been with her for so long is this a new thing? You need space from your family. I do get that your family possible was hurt about a child free wedding but think they did throw their rattles out of their prams a bit. You are entitled to have the wedding you want, your family are not entitled to dictate how you do it or how you live your life

Good job throwing everyone off the scent by disguising the fact you don't have children with your username...

@Dad394 we are getting married in 5 months time like you (although we are having a local wedding and DC are invited as I have 3 of my own, DP has none and only one nephew who is an older child so less complex than yours).

I am so sorry that you have had this stress around what is one day to celebrate. I know that you will probably have been dealing with saving up for the wedding, the logistics of planning and having to be piggy in the middle between your DP and Mum must be so hard. Myself and DP haven't had anyone raise one negative word about our wedding - everyone has been supportive and kind about everything, nobody has got involved and they both side of the families have left us to the planning (we are paying for everything ourselves). It didn't have to be this way you know? I am sorry it has happened like this for you.

She sounds like a right bitch get out now and live life alittle you've been with her since 15 that's not event healthy you haven't experienced anything.

keep the family and lose the wife to be

You have family members who were happy to come to the place of your wedding to help you out by minding a load of small kids, while knowing they weren't important enough to you to be invited themselves? Pull the other one.

Do your siblings normally use these family members for childcare or were you expecting them to leave their babies for 6 hours with people who'd never minded them before?

It sound like your fiance has serious control issues and the problem here is that she tried to control your family and is now furious that she can't.

Ah okay, to disguise yourself you - a non parent - have come to a 'parent support' website and called yourself a parent in order to seek advice about a non-related issue?

Right.

Could have just posted on reddit under the name Joe.

@Dad394 you changed your username to reflect you have children, to throw people off the scent of your post being outing.. but the fact you planned an abroad wedding, child free, caused a rift, got cancelled, have a mother who contacts you, fiancés side of the family do not have any children, you offered to fly our family to babysit other families children…. Is not outing?

OK.

I’m 100% with your family. We have 3 children under 5 and would refuse to go to anyones “destination wedding”. I’d rather spend the money on a family holiday that we choose, and travelling abroad with young children is an absolute nightmare! No thank you! And then even if they go through all that expense and stress of getting the children to Portugal they then can’t even come to their uncles wedding.
This may have been your fiancés dream wedding since she was 15 but life for everyone else has changed. A wedding is just one day, it’s a party, a celebration with those who love you the most. She has every right to be upset that plans have had to change, but she needs to get over it and readjust her priorities.

It's 3 small children, YOUR FAMILY, you aren't willing to allow to your wedding for the sake of also having your siblings there... when you ain't the one who is responsible for them.

I think that's a tad bit OTT. I'd understand friends children not being invited. But your own family. Bizzare.

My DPs sister is having a "child free" wedding but her 4 nephews & one nephew or niece on the way (ages 4&under) are all invited. But she also isn't going abroad to get married...

Wedding planning is supposed to be stressful, it gives you the chance to see if your relationship will cope with a real crisis. Yours clearly won’t with a bride that is so self centred and inconsiderate to her future family so you’ve had fair wading. Get rid of her.

Getting my popcorn and watching this thread until OP and soon to be wife produce a child and then are invited to a child free wedding -

There has always been little issues as my mum is very over the top and tries to treat me like a "mummies boy" ((even now at 31) and she knows that herself. So my partner has had that issue from way back which has made this situation incredibly worse.

This is the real issue, and your fiancées resentment of your mum stems back to far before this wedding. The wedding is just the straw that broke the camel's back.

If you leave your fiancée over this, I can guarantee your mum will cause problems in your next relationship too. After 15 years of you being in a couple, if your mum can't give you independence, it will be hell when you have children. Your wife will be posting on here about her controlling, difficult MIL and enabling DH.

I had this issue with my MIL to be - DP and I are eloping as I don't trust her to not ruin the day. Fortunately my DP recognises her sabotaging things isn't about me personally but would be directed to any woman he chose to settle with. And he has put in a lot of distance with her but it was a difficult journey to get here. I would read up on 'maternal enmeshment' and see if that resonates with your experience. If it does, please put boundaries in with your mother and don't subject your fiancée to anymore of her interference.

Good luck. You'll need it, but your fiancée needs it even more.

I hate it when people pitch child free wedding to me as a chance to let my hair down. Usually it just means I have to do loads of planning so I can attend and then you still have to do everything the next day with the DC except they aren’t tired.

At the end of the day though, your wedding your choice. Of course your family were upset you wanted to exclude their children. And of course your fiancé was upset she couldn’t have her dream wedding. It sounds like you need to sit down with her and explain how she’s making you feel now by not allowing you to speak to your family. She can either calm down and move on or you probably need to accept that this isn’t going to work. Do you really want to have stress about seeing your family every Christmas, birthday and major event for the rest of your life?

A child-free destination wedding was always a terrible idea when you have close family with small children. If it's what you both agreed that you wanted however, you should have been prepared for the siblings not to come, and to stick to the decision you made with your fiancée. I can see why your fiancée is upset. You have put your family's desires for the wedding above hers.

I loathed my fiancé's parents. His mother was controlling, emotionally abusive and she made him choose between us. He almost never put me first and he ended up dumping me. Our marriage would never have worked because he would never have been happy living with the conflict (which would never have gone away), and he wasn't sure enough that it wasn't my fault. You need to think very carefully about whether you can live with this conflict forever. It doesn't sound like you reached a compromise about the wedding with your fiancée - or she would accept it because she'd want a solution you can both be happy with. She does sound a bit selfish. It's not just her wedding.

I really think you either need to break up, or else rethink the wedding so you are truly both happy. If you want a happy marriage you can't be in the middle - you need to be on your wife's team!

Alot of people saying I shouldn’t have posted this on here, sorry I will get it removed I didn’t expect it to have this reaction
. Thank you for your opinions though all

I couldn't agree more. As I mentioned upthread, if it was the fiancee posting about her overbearing MIL-to-be interfering in her wedding the reaction would be very different from the misogynistic name calling that's going on here and the groom-to-be would be getting a kicking for being the one that enables her.

I agree with this. My wedding was small with limited space, so we did not invite all the children of all the guests as there physically wasn’t room to seat them, but very close family -like my sibling’s small children- were obviously invited. Was the “child free” your choice or your fiancé’s ?
Your fiancé sounds pretty unreasonable to me. Weddings are about two families joining together. Emotions can get heated, but it is ridiculous to ruin family relations over this. The wedding is one day out of your whole your life, it is the marriage that is important.

Re the texts that are causing upset.. if get a text from my family it can ruin an entire day'

what's in them? Just general chit chat, or are they wedding/your life focused giving instructions and 'helpful advice' and fiancée is at end of tether?

Nope. I can honestly say I have never stopped anyone from talking about their life with their family. Nor have I tried to stop anyone else from talking about their son's life with their son.

In her head, she had this big wedding planned that everyone would be happy about and come to. Then when people said, "Oh this doesn't work for me. I won't be coming" she threw a strop and cancelled it. She wanted everyone there on her terms, but if she can't have everyone there, then there's no point in having that wedding. And she's blaming them. She's being a child.

I've no problem with childfree weddings (although I do think nieces and nephews should be invited tbh) and no problems with destination weddings (I had one!), but combining the two is ludicrous.

Even with you paying, it's a huge ask for someone to fly out for childcare purposes, there isn't anyone I would feel comfortable asking to do that, and I wouldn't be relaxing and letting my hair down, I'd be worrying if all was ok with kids in a strange place etc, and dreading parenting small DC tired and possibly hungover the next day.

You've put the image of the day ahead of your family. Remember, you're hosting a family party, and one of the key roles as host is to consider guests' comfort.

That's a really good point! @Dad394, what is your mum texting you?

It's fine to post here in principle, people are just suspicious that you've created an account to post imaginary things and that's why the username doesn't match the scenario.