Fiancé hates my family

[Dad394]

Getting married in 5 months and my fiancée hates my family, it’s ruining everything.

We had a dream wedding planned since we was young in Portugal, when we expressed to my family the plans and that our wedding is going to be “child free” all hell broke loose.

My Mother said she was not coming, my other family members said I was silly and stupid and should rethink as my brother and 2 sisters have really young kids, all under 3. We want a child free wedding and I give them so many options and offered to pay for other family members to come to look after the kids for the 6 hours the wedding was on. All fell of deaf ears.

This led to us changing everything and are now getting married on our own abroad and having a UK party for family. Now my wife to be feels my mum has ruined the best moment/time of her life, and she will never get this back, something she has always dreamed of and my family has ruined for her. She has so much anger towards my family and even though my family has said sorry and that they would make it work, it was already ruined for us. 

I have explained to my family all how I feel, how they have made us feel and what they have done and ruined. And told them to just not talk about the wedding coming up to us and just try move on as it’s really ruined the relationship.

I am now arguing everyday with my partner and my relationship with my family is at the lowest it has ever been, I feel like I really have no option but to be a punching bag for everyone to express how they feel, if I speak to my family my partner gets angry as it’s always wedding related, if I don’t speak to my family the relationship gets worse.

My partner now hates me speaking to my family, wants to know every conversation I have with them even if it’s on the phone I have to explain what was said. My mother is still talking about the wedding party to me 3/4 times a week to try to feel involved and make things easier and it’s infuriating my partner and I told her to stop talking about it. To the point if I get a text from my family it will ruin our entire day, as my partner thinks they are trying to get involved and she does not want them involved or talking about her wedding. She said she doesn’t want my mum to be allowed to talk about the wedding to me also.

Its gotten to a really low point and I have no idea what to do as I am now stuck in the middle, does my partner need to calm down and realise I could lose all my family over this and work together to sort it, or do my family need to back off and realise they have ruined everything and give us space for now.

I do think it's bad form not to duck out if your small child won't stfu during speeches or ceremony. I've had to do that a couple of times. I always make sure I'm seated as close to a door as possible, ideally at the back, and slip out at the first sign of unrest.

Agreed, that's not a holiday at all.

This comes up a lot on the nanny subreddit. Employers are often shocked when, amazingly, their nannies don't jump at a chance for a "free holiday" as a childcare slave to agitated kids in a foreign country. Childcare abroad actually incurs additional inconvenience fees — on top of travel, accommodation, and the usual hourly childcare fees of course. That's the industry standard.

I don't think either of you sound anywhere near mature enough to be getting married. I'd postpone the whole thing and work on your relationship, communication skills, boundaries, and talking through very carefully what you envision your life together as being like, in terms of things like patterns of communication and contact with family, including if you go on to have children etc. Because at the moment, this marriage is a disaster waiting to happen.

And what? They hadn't actually arranged it. They hadn't asked family members. They just assumed people would be happy to do it because free holiday. This isn't a wedding down the road where they can leave their children with granny for the night. This is in another country. People aren't going to "let their hair down" when they have to get back to their toddlers in the hotel, who might be unsettled by the strange environment.

Our families were difficult in different ways around our wedding but we had a plan and stuck with it and tried to ignore other behavior.

We did consider our families situation and made some accommodation and also stuck firm about not having frailer relatives who needed looking after as our mother were worried they'd get stuck looking after them or I would. We kept it small because we were paying. Not everyone was happy about everything but we were firm and polite and everyone accepted our plans.

You seem not to have considered families situation regarding children - and then backdown very quickly from plans - doesn't surprise me everyone is upset with you.

I really have no option but to be a punching bag for everyone to express how they feel

You must be feeling totally overwhelmed, so slow down ... take some deep breaths ... & start to unpick this mess.

First up - your fiancee hates your family.
This seems like quite the turnaround, to suddenly decide to hate, over a stupid but common bloody wedding spat which YOU have now fixed, as much as it can be fixed.
Is your family hateable?
Do YOU hate them?

If you don't hate them, WTF is your fiancee playing at - hating on them? Making your life a misery? Forcing you to play piggy in the middle?

OK this DreamWeddingTM.
As a PP observed, it was a bloody daft idea to stage a destination wedding with a no kids rule when all your siblings have small kids.
Which begs the question - was this genuinely our dream - or your fiancee's?
Now my wife to be feels my mum has ruined the best moment/time of her life, and she will never get this back, something she has always dreamed of
There's your hint OP. Something SHE has always dreamed of.

She sounds a bit ridiculous with her claims that your mum has ruined the best moment/time of her life. Is she always such a dramatic princess, or can you chalk that up to bridezilla madness?
Also - is she always this insulting? She is prizing HerDreamWeddingTM over - you know, just the small business of an actual marriage. To you.
She is telling you that she believes HER wedding is the pinnacle of your relationship, & the marriage won't be the best time of her life.

My partner now hates me speaking to my family, wants to know every conversation I have with them even if it’s on the phone I have to explain what was said.
Then your fiancee is a controlling arsehole who thrives on melodrama & doesn't care how much she hurts you in order to get her fix.

She said she doesn’t want my mum to be allowed to talk about the wedding to me also
Playing Divide & Conquer games at your expense is SUCH a selfless act of love innit.

does my partner need to calm down and realise I could lose all my family over this
Er - yeah. But she won't because she doesn't care.
She is making you play the Pick-Me dance between her & YOUR OWN FAMILY.
If you can't see how cruel & toxic that is there is no helping you.
Can you not fathom her bottom line? She actively WANTS you falling out with your family. She wants you to lose them, & pick her. She doesn't care how much pain that causes you, or them so long as she "wins".
And you are her prize.
You should be feeling very nervous about that.

and work together to sort it, or do my family need to back off and realise they have ruined everything and give us space for now.
Your family haven;t ruined a thing. Stop buying your fiancee's poisonously concocted narrative. Fiancee's MyDreamWeddingTM was logistically - & probably financially - unfeasible for them, & they said so. Good for them for speaking up.

Its gotten to a really low point and I have no idea what to do as I am now stuck in the middle
Of course you are feeling low. You are stressed, miserable, & attempting the impossible task of taking responsibility for your fiancee's unreasonable demands.

What I would do is 'postpone' the wedding.
Tell fiancee that as you can't deliver HerDream you are calling a halt while you work everything out.
Then scarper to your family & take a few days away from that insanely controlling & unpleasant woman, so that you can think straight.
With luck you'll reach the right conclusion - that if you marry this woman, the rest of your life will be like this. After the wedding - DREAM or not - she will find something else to concoct melodrama from. Soon, she will decide that YOU are the baddie, & she will treat you like she treats your family.

Your family must be going bonkers with worry about what you are getting yourself into. Stop demonising them for being normal, & start listening to their concerns.

Did you even read my post?

Of course parents go out, but they usually leave their children with someone they know and trust, the children are already familiar with, and most likely have been looked after by before.

The OP didn't even have a plan for who was going to look after the children, he was just hoping some random family member (who wasn't close enough to be invited to the wedding) would do it in exchange for a free holiday.

Your fiancée sounds quite controlling. I don’t think she can stop you speaking to your family
or tell you what you are allowed to discuss with them. She is marrying you and you come with a family and pre-existing family relationships. Did you want a child free wedding, or was that just what she wanted? What about what you want? You need to sort this out before the wedding.

You're certainly welcome to post on here.
My dd reckons mn is full of psychos. Ignore the ones on your thread.

She has said she doesn't want to speak or meet my parents before the wedding so she can try to enjoy the rest of the build up.

Mate - every abusive partner plays this game.
It's called "isolate your victim".

It always - ALWAYS - kicks off with the abusive partner ensuring there is a fall out, a lovely big dramatic bust up.
They get to relish the drama that they themselves caused, they get to feed off everyone's pain, & they get to control you by telling you YOUR family caused it, THEY are innocent, & YOU must do their bidding.

From your posts, I don’t think you have any concept of what you were asking your siblings to do. Travelling with little kids is pretty awful and exhausting, not to mention expensive. Their children may not even settle for other family members and they may not even want to leave their children, which is a parental decision. Your siblings may feel as though you’ve treated their children like toys and presume to them how they run their lives.

In this instance, you want a child free wedding, you have to accept it is local, you’re eloping or perhaps just going with parents on either side. This is what you’ve now done.

Do you see how your fiancée is acting about your family? It looks as though this is how she will act of you have children. Family alienation, questions, anger. And if you ever divorce, I hazard a guess you’d be next in the firing line. Parental alienation.

I understand she may be hurt but she’s known your family for 15 years and I think you should all be able to move on from such a long standing relationship. Marrying and bringing children into this environment is inviting trouble.

Ah, I misread the bit about Portugal being the destination, for some reason I read it as OP and fiance lived/live in Portugal. Destination weddings where family have to get someone to look after children for days are incredibly selfish. Destination weddings are generally done when you expect hardly anyone to except the offer. It's a form of eloping. I also think it's wrong saying to a family member that "you're not good enough to be present at the actual wedding, but, btw, can you look after our children while everyone else but you attends?" That's cheeky and mean.

Ignore PP telling you what & where you are allowed to post.

You are a mumsnet member, you have just as much right as anyone else to post a thread. You have nothing to apologise for & I can't imagine why anybody would try to boss you off the Board.
(Yeah I can - pure & ugly sexism)

Well destination weddings are rather selfish. It's very expensive for everyone else. Making it child free knowing close family members have kids is even more selfish and if someone offered to pay for me to go to babysit bit not actually be invited to the wedding I'd tell them to piss off.

Whilst weddings should be about the bridge and groom, frankly, there's a limit.

Having read your updates it's clearly a case of everyone is unreasonable.

You shouldn't have caved in with your mum and deprived your fiancé's side of the family.

Your mum is unreasonable for not treating you like an adult man. She shouldn't have blackmailed you into changing your mind and if you say you don't want to talk about something that she should respect that. You and your mum are unreasonable for not changing this dynamic. Regardless of what happens next you need to tell your mum to stop treating you like a child because this problem will mean that all future partners won't like your mum. It's very unappealing. I am not saying be mean to her but all she needs to know about the party is when, where and what the dress code is. It's up to your wife to be and you what this party is like and she can be surprised on the day and keep any inevitable criticism to herself

Your fiancé is unreasonable for making you feel bad for contacting your family. Even if your relationship with your mum becomes more healthy, she is a permanent part of your life. I can see why she doesn't want you discussing the wedding and party with your mum. If you are volunteering the info rather than grilled about it then you need to stop. You and your fiancé are adults who can make their own decisions and own them.

You were really rather naive to think that excluding all of your nieces & nephews from your wedding was going to be accepted happily, especially with a wedding abroad, and your family seem like they potentially overreacted and are continuing to go against your wishes by repeatedly bringing up something you've asked them not to discuss BUT, and it's a BIG BUT, the ENORMOUS RED FLAG here is that your fiance is INCREDIBLY CONTROLLING!!

It is not now, nor will it ever be, her decision when/who/why you speak to ANYONE, let alone your own family! And she has absolutely no right to demand to know what your conversations are about!

She's being an utter princess over this. It's JUST A WEDDING! All this 'best time of my life' stuff is so over the top. Is she always this dramatic?!

You need to nip her ridiculous behaviour in the bud now or you are in for a miserable existence, OP.

"Her side of the family have no kids at all and all agree my family was out of line with how they acted which adds fuel to the fire :)"

Surprise. Her family judged your family when the wedding was set up in a way that excluded your family. I am shocked. Shocked I tell you.

I don't think your fiance is being 'abusive' or 'controlling'. Unless she has showed this before over 15 years, we can put this down to her dreams for her wedding being shattered by your parents and unable to move on from that. If it's a once off and due to her wedding being ruined, I don't think this in itself is indicative that she is 'abusive' or 'controlling'. I think understanding for her is needed here. However expecting people to drag kids along with no set babysitter and expecting a family member to sacrifice going to the actual ceremony was completely devoid of all thought and logic.

Tell her your getting married in a field, where children can blow of steam! Just to see her reaction.
That might sound a rather cruel thing to do, but under the circumstances I'd try and gain the measure of a person. Selfish people don't change.

😂😂😂

Forbidding people from speaking to each other isn't abusive or controlling now?

Who knew?!

I'll be back in a moment - just popping off to ring round a few domestic abuse charities to tell them they can all down tools.

The wedding was cancelled because his family said they would attend. If they wanted a childfree wedding so bad they should also have been prepared that people can and will say no we can’t attend.

Her family had no kids and so she ignores his family with kids? And he like a simp goes along with what fiancée says and wants like a dunce? He knows his siblings all have kids so he should have spoken up and said he wants his nieces and nephews involved but he didn’t.

He can go ahead with the wedding and plan to stay away from. His family to keep fiancée or wifey happy going forward. I hope they have a happy marriage.

It's clear from the OP that this behaviour is solely about the wedding and she is devastated. Give her a break, unless OP tells us otherwise, this is simply 'bridezilla' behaviour and she is genuinely afraid that his mother and family will interfere with the wedding. She has known his family for 15 years so unless there is a big backstory, while she is being controlling with this issue, there is no evidence she is abusive and controlling in general.

The OP says his partner has had issues with his mother for years. This isn't just about the wedding. This is an escalation of her dislike.

It's clear from the OP that this behaviour is solely about the wedding and she is devastated.

Op later posted :
There has always been little issues as my mum is very over the top and tries to treat me like a "mummies boy" ((even now at 31) and she knows that herself. So my partner has had that issue from way back which has made this situation incredibly worse.

I actually think the Fiancé concerns may well be wider than the wedding and given the OP back down and changed their wedding plans she may have serious concerns about entire relationship going forward.

OP doing the classic try and keep everyone happy upsetting everyone then acting bewildered everyone is hurt and upset with them.

Op needs better communication all round and firmer boundaries.