Fiancé hates my family

[Dad394]

Getting married in 5 months and my fiancée hates my family, it’s ruining everything.

We had a dream wedding planned since we was young in Portugal, when we expressed to my family the plans and that our wedding is going to be “child free” all hell broke loose.

My Mother said she was not coming, my other family members said I was silly and stupid and should rethink as my brother and 2 sisters have really young kids, all under 3. We want a child free wedding and I give them so many options and offered to pay for other family members to come to look after the kids for the 6 hours the wedding was on. All fell of deaf ears.

This led to us changing everything and are now getting married on our own abroad and having a UK party for family. Now my wife to be feels my mum has ruined the best moment/time of her life, and she will never get this back, something she has always dreamed of and my family has ruined for her. She has so much anger towards my family and even though my family has said sorry and that they would make it work, it was already ruined for us. 

I have explained to my family all how I feel, how they have made us feel and what they have done and ruined. And told them to just not talk about the wedding coming up to us and just try move on as it’s really ruined the relationship.

I am now arguing everyday with my partner and my relationship with my family is at the lowest it has ever been, I feel like I really have no option but to be a punching bag for everyone to express how they feel, if I speak to my family my partner gets angry as it’s always wedding related, if I don’t speak to my family the relationship gets worse.

My partner now hates me speaking to my family, wants to know every conversation I have with them even if it’s on the phone I have to explain what was said. My mother is still talking about the wedding party to me 3/4 times a week to try to feel involved and make things easier and it’s infuriating my partner and I told her to stop talking about it. To the point if I get a text from my family it will ruin our entire day, as my partner thinks they are trying to get involved and she does not want them involved or talking about her wedding. She said she doesn’t want my mum to be allowed to talk about the wedding to me also.

Its gotten to a really low point and I have no idea what to do as I am now stuck in the middle, does my partner need to calm down and realise I could lose all my family over this and work together to sort it, or do my family need to back off and realise they have ruined everything and give us space for now.

I am curious to know why you didn't want your nieces and nephews at your wedding and by extension your other family? Or was this all your girlfriend's doing and you had no say in your wedding?

No, I think they were offering to pay to fly out other family members as babysitters? Not to pay for everyone to go.

Her side of the family have no kids at all and all agree my family was out of line with how they acted

Now there's a surprise.

Again, child-free weddings have a place, but when all of your siblings have children under 3, you must understand that this might mean they cannot attend. And their non-attendance might cause conflict.

It's not a simple as saying you'll pay for other family members to attend and provide childcare. How old is the youngest? Old enough to be away from their primary caregivers for several hours without causing distress? Are any breastfed? Are the family members you're proposing to provide childcare for multiple infants equipped to do so?

And the people telling him to dump his intended. What if his next bride wants a child free wedding?

It's a normal thing to want. We had kids at our wedding due to pressure and it was not the day we wanted. It was OK but I wish I had stood my ground now.

OP are you coming back?

What about YOUR children? Are they coming to the wedding?

Id cancel the wedding and see if the relationship survives. I think its too risky to go ahead with it while theres so much tension.

"To the point if I get a text from my family it will ruin our entire day, as my partner thinks they are trying to get involved and she does not want them involved or talking about her wedding"

This is nuts and not reasonable.
You should geniunely pause wedding plans and reevaluate the relationship unless you are happy with it / want to be estranged from your family.

Separately, it sounds like you dont like your family either.... a child free wedding when your immediate family all have small children is just weird and a bit of a dick move tbh.

My partner now hates me speaking to my family, wants to know every conversation I have with them even if it’s on the phone I have to explain what was said.

This is controlling as fuck, however.

It a problem of you own making IMHO. You didn't want children at your wedding, even though close family members had children. (Of coure its your choice.)

If you insist on no children, then there's no surprise there would be fallout. Perhaps, even long term resentment.
What are you going to do, the day your told your that your children can't come to a wedding? Be angry? Or pissed off. Or just reject those who don't want you all there.

The fact she wants a child free wedding quite clearly isn't the issue here...

@HiddenGiraffes fair enough if that’s how you’d do it
I don’t think it’s polite to infer someone is a prince or princess for doing their wedding how they want. Whilst also being annoyed if they don’t want to do their wedding how you want. The logic doesn’t make sense to me.
i think it’s understandable people may be sad to not go to the wedding but I really think a wedding is about the couple. If someone couldn’t come to my wedding, due to finances, time off work, childcare whatever. I understood, my important day isn’t their important day. But equally then I don’t understand why anyone would expect someone else’s wedding to be changed to suit them.

So @Dad394 how many kids do you have, and will they be going?

Honestly, if it was me, I'd decline to go as well because I don't have a babysitter who'd be willing to give up their precious annual leave to go sit in a hotel room in Portugal peeling toddlers off the wall - who the fuck would sign up for that??

OP isn’t coming back.

but this will end up on the daily fail and maybe the mirror.

My friend was forced to have a wedding with children too. One toddler screamed all the way through the ceremony, that set off a baby, and the couple could barely hear the vows. They had a videographer to record that very important moment and all you can hear is screaming in the video.

I'm an only child and my parents have always told me to elope and make the wedding about just what DP and I want, to avoid all drama - so I really can't understand families who would be devastated to not attend a wedding. Yet in the other breath the same people say a wedding isn't a big deal or all that important in life...If it's not a big deal why not just turn down the invitation like you would any party or event children aren't invited to without getting upset/hurt/angry/guilt tripping.

I would postpone - your family may have overreacted in the beginning but now to try and stop you talking to your mum is a very bad sign of deeper issues.

No one is saying to dump her because she wants a child-free wedding (which they both did, actually).

They're saying to call off the wedding because the relationship has clearly gone south as a result of the fallout. She hates his family, hates him talking to his family - 'if get a text from my family it can ruin an entire day' - and is behaving angrily towards him. That isn't exactly the foundations for a good marriage.

We don't have kids, the last wedding we went to was child free and we see how everyone let loose and had a great time. This was due to the kids being looked after and they could let their hair down. Not having kids attend was both our decisions not just hers but we offered to pay for travel and accommodation for any family member /friends with food drink included. We thought people would jump at a free holiday to look after 3 kids for 6 hours.

There has always been little issues as my mum is very over the top and tries to treat me like a "mummies boy" ((even now at 31) and she knows that herself. So my partner has had that issue from way back which has made this situation incredibly worse.

She has said she doesn't want to speak or meet my parents before the wedding so she can try to enjoy the rest of the build up.

To many other answers to reply to sorry...

Well said!! I find it baffling the bride is getting such a hard time and being called controlling and unhinged.

I think it's silly to pretend that "childfree wedding" seems equally reasonable in all contexts. For example, if OP has his own kids as some users are inferring from his username, that puts a massively different spin on all this and it seems incredibly fucked up to be excluding them.

I think excluding nieces and nephews from an otherwise large wedding, for non-financial reasons, is also on the fucked up spectrum. Far less bad than excluding his own kids, but still seems unpleasant and a weird priority. If there were no kids in the immediate family, it would be very different. Second cousins and mates could decide whether they wanted to make arrangements to attend without kids or politely decline.

It just is different when it's your own brothers and sisters. If my brother had excluded my kids I'd think it was pretty off. If it was a destination wedding, I can imagine trying to persuade him to rethink a bit rather than just telling him I couldn't attend, because I obviously do really want to attend my brother's wedding!

I suspect when you have your own family you will see the other side's point of view better.
While you say you offered a babysitter, who was this? Do the parents know them and quite frankly who on earth would be close enough to do that but not required at the wedding? I'm suspecting a teenage cousin or such like.

Your family were annoyed and perhaps over reacted but it sounds like they've apologised and are attempting to make amends even if clumsily.

You've been together 16 years so presumably live together already and have done for at least a decade. Your family must already know her well.

While a wedding is special, the massive focus on this one day worries me in your circumstances.

Are you sure this big display isn't a sticking plaster over the cracks in your relationship and that children and changes to venues aren't a big red herring as to the real issues here?

I'm called dad394 and other very minor bits of the story have been changed as I don't wan't anyone who could possibly know the situation relating it back to me. Just being careful 👍🏻

A child free wedding abroad when you have children in the family is a fucking ridiculous idea. IF this is real then you and your fiancé sound far too immature to get married.

This isn't about your siblings actually enjoying themselves though, is it. If it was you'd have discussed options to make it enjoyable for them. Hiring a few childcare workers and setting up a crèche at the venue, for example. Depending on the age of the kids, it might be there's simply no way that they can "let their hair down" and not worry about their kids.

You're viewing them as props in your vision of your "big day" rather than truly considering how to ensure they have a good time. There's a difference.

Right, so your fiancee has put up with years of your mum trying to interfere and now she's not having the wedding she wants because of her too? I am on your fiancee's side and sadly I think your marriage is doomed.