Fiancé hates my family

[Dad394]

Getting married in 5 months and my fiancée hates my family, it’s ruining everything.

We had a dream wedding planned since we was young in Portugal, when we expressed to my family the plans and that our wedding is going to be “child free” all hell broke loose.

My Mother said she was not coming, my other family members said I was silly and stupid and should rethink as my brother and 2 sisters have really young kids, all under 3. We want a child free wedding and I give them so many options and offered to pay for other family members to come to look after the kids for the 6 hours the wedding was on. All fell of deaf ears.

This led to us changing everything and are now getting married on our own abroad and having a UK party for family. Now my wife to be feels my mum has ruined the best moment/time of her life, and she will never get this back, something she has always dreamed of and my family has ruined for her. She has so much anger towards my family and even though my family has said sorry and that they would make it work, it was already ruined for us. 

I have explained to my family all how I feel, how they have made us feel and what they have done and ruined. And told them to just not talk about the wedding coming up to us and just try move on as it’s really ruined the relationship.

I am now arguing everyday with my partner and my relationship with my family is at the lowest it has ever been, I feel like I really have no option but to be a punching bag for everyone to express how they feel, if I speak to my family my partner gets angry as it’s always wedding related, if I don’t speak to my family the relationship gets worse.

My partner now hates me speaking to my family, wants to know every conversation I have with them even if it’s on the phone I have to explain what was said. My mother is still talking about the wedding party to me 3/4 times a week to try to feel involved and make things easier and it’s infuriating my partner and I told her to stop talking about it. To the point if I get a text from my family it will ruin our entire day, as my partner thinks they are trying to get involved and she does not want them involved or talking about her wedding. She said she doesn’t want my mum to be allowed to talk about the wedding to me also.

Its gotten to a really low point and I have no idea what to do as I am now stuck in the middle, does my partner need to calm down and realise I could lose all my family over this and work together to sort it, or do my family need to back off and realise they have ruined everything and give us space for now.

Stonking post Camille.

If OP takes nothing from his thread but this, he will have benefitted from excellent advice.

All of the above
It sounds like you’ve chosen a domineering wife just like your mother

Personally I’d step away and be alone for a while. You can learn a lot being single

It sounds to me like your family and your fiancé all treat you poorly. It's not OK for them to try and dictate your wedding plans. It's manipulative and controlling to create drama every time you speak to your own family. It's very typical for someone who has a parent with deep flaws to find the same in a partner.

I don't think you should get married to your fiancé or anyone until doing some serious work.

This. Exactly this.

And got irritated when they said they quite reasonably said they couldn't go to a destination wedding without their families (money, childcare, logistics, etc).

I would step back and postpone the wedding. Your fiancée hating your family isn’t a great place to start your married life.
It’s interesting how your family had so much say on your wedding.
And now your wife is having a lot to say about your family.
You need to think about you. How you want your life to be and what is important.

So what if you paid for childminders to fly out? Were you paying for the children's flights? The added expense of accommodation for families that weren't actually going to be treated like family?

It's either a family wedding or it's not. This clearly isn't. If you wanted your family there, you wouldn't have expected them to NOT bring their children with them for their booked limited holiday time away from their jobs with their finite finances, You sound incredibly inconsiderate.

It's their time and money. They're choosing not to waste it on your wedding since they're all not included.

I agree.. for example. On the weekend I thought I found an absolutely steal on my dream pair of bridal Jimmy Choo’s.. but it turns out they were fakes!

I was heartbroken, not quite shattered but I was pretty gutted! .. but we’re still getting married.. albeit not in a pair of £1.5k shoes, but still I haven’t demanded DP stop speaking to his family, I haven’t stomped my feet and cried - or cancelled our wedding because my dream didn’t come true 😂

😂 Blimey you've missed a trick there Mickey.

Go through your fiance's phone & delete all their family contacts.
Insist on MyDreamShoesTM.
If fiance has the temerity to receive a text from family, ensure you ruin his entire day over it.

You say you want these Jimmy Choos to get married, but frankly I'm not sure if you're committed enough. Where are your tantrums, your stonewalling, your autocratic edicts, your havoc creation? Why is DP not feeling guilty & ashamed about not buying the shoes for you instantly?

You need to get your priorities straight, or your feet will punish you for the rest of your marriage.

Exclusion is never a good idea: Also who looks after these children if the parents attend the wedding?

You may as well have run off and eloped then announced to your family that you were married...

Yes, this alarmed me. I know it's not my place to say, but I really don't think OP's fiance loves him. I'm no saint and have a pretty bad temper, but even then I just can't imagine ever treating / controlling the person I love so awfully.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with a childfree wedding (if logistics are planned well, the childcare here sounds ridiculously poorly thought out) but it should hopefully be a truly equal decision between the married couple. When I married DH, his happiness was just as important as mine. I wanted all guests important to him to be present. No nieces and nephews sounds like her idea, as her side of the family had no kids, which OP just went along with.

Even if it WAS an equal decision, her theatrics are scarily controlling and manipulative. I've badly disagreed with the ILs, to the point of minimising contact with them. I've also had to ask DH to put his foot down and not discuss certain matters concerning me with the ILs when they probe.

However, at the end of the day, I just have to trust DH. I would never go Gestapo on his calls or texts, or ever try to limit his own communication with family!

I want him to feel a sense of belonging in this world, to understand he is loved by others apart from me, connected to others rather than isolated and alone, and like his own wellbeing is just as important as mine.

How can you try to control anyone - let alone the person you claim to "love" - in such a terribly selfish manner?

Your fiance knew it would cause a massive upset. Of course you have thr right to have the wedding you want but you also had to be prepared for the upset and their feelings are valid. But she 100% knew it would cause and argument and she's being very controlling. She can't control what people talk about.
It seems your family are trying to make peace by showing interest but she wants there to be a divide

@amonamonsteronthehill They didn't pay for professional childminders to fly out :/ Just other family members, whom they were maybe hoping were conveniently unemployed without family responsibilities?

Even then, I would've wanted a childcare wage on top of accommodation and travel costs. Having to navigate foreign environment & unfamiliar/non existent childcare amenities, while focusing on children agitated from being away from home = childcare in a foreign country is even more stressful than childcare back home. Nannies usually get a much higher hourly fee for holiday childcare abroad (with all their expenses paid for of course).

if I speak to my family my partner gets angry as it’s always wedding related, if I don’t speak to my family the relationship gets worse

You've said your family's contact is always wedding related.

OP - does you mother ever contact you and NOT discuss the wedding? Or does she call you 3-4 times a week mainly to discuss the wedding?

How much involvement is your mother expecting to have in the family party in the UK? 3-4 times a week to discuss this party seems very very very excessive. That's as much as you'd discuss it with a wedding planner!

Does your fiancee ever get upset at you discussing other things with your mother, or is she just wanting to know what you're saying about the wedding, and not want you to discuss the wedding? Because obviously your family thought her initial plans were "silly" and "stupid", and resulted in her having to re-arrange everything, so I assume she doesn't want any more criticism.

Is your mother generally critical of your fiancee or is it just over the wedding?

If you've asked your mother to respect your fiancee's wishes and not discuss or get involved in the wedding, what has she said? You said the family has apologised, but how have their actions proven it i.e what of your fiancee's wishes are they respecting and accepting now?

When you are older you will realise that the things that you remember about your wedding day are the people who were there and, if your siblings are important to you, you will regret not compromising. 3 kids from your immediate family will hardly spoil the day for the bride and groom and their presence will make the family occasion more special for your parents and siblings. I am old enough to have been to a lot of weddings (and to have lost some family members since my own) and I think that having an event with all the generations there together is far more important than the superficial details. Falling out with your relatives can be really painful and lonely so if it really is just about this wedding then you should proceed with caution. It sounds like you are torn, OP, so I think you would like your family there and therefore need an honest chat with your fiancee about what is most important in your marriage (rather than this one day).

There is no reason at all for YOU getting a text meaning SHE has to ruin your day.
She is choosing to ruin it.
She is deliberately making you uncomfortable, so that you eventually cave in for an easy life & obey her demand to cut contact with them.

Exactly. A lot of those sticking up for her, seem to be missing that she's punishing OP for something out of his hands.
The only way he can prevent a text coming through, is to block his mum. If that's what she's aiming for, there is no excuse for that level of coercive control.

It strikes me how a few PP have said that family shouldn't dictate your wedding, and yet choosing to have a destination wedding - that you invite family and friends to, as opposed to eloping - means you're dictating how multiple members of your family and friends spend their savings and use their holiday allowance. For a lot of people, a destination wedding becomes their annual holiday, to a place they might not otherwise have chosen, but feel obliged to go or else cause friction (as we've seen here).

Why is one okay but not the other?

You really can’t get married in these circumstances, something needs to give. I think your partner wants to be heard and flexing after the fact, is the only way she appears to be able to express herself. Your family being sorry after they got their own way is hardly heartfelt. However, your partner’s behaviour isn’t helping.

Unfortunately, you not taking the ‘mummies boy’ dynamic with your mother serious enough hasn’t helped. This really needs to be addressed and only you can do that.

Please, please, please do not go ahead with the wedding under these circumstances. There needs to be a resolution or you risk your lives after the wedding day becoming really toxic.

I can only suggest family therapy or some sort of mediation.

I recently got married and lots of guests who came to our wedding didn't want to bring their children with them as they wanted to relax and enjoy the day (their words), so they made arrangements with family or sitters etc and we also hired a babysitter to come to the wedding for the few that did. I did however compromise on many things that I wish I hadn't, and the day became about everyone else. I was so anxious about all the guests (my parents told my partner and I that the day was not about us and the most important thing was our guests) and we just didn't enjoy it. Too much pressure to please everyone when that's impossible anyway, and we spent all of our savings on it. Weddings have evolved, they are individual, and guests should be honoured to be invited at all. People should respect the Bride and Grooms wishes.

Weddings should be about celebrating and making vows in front of the people who will support your marriage for years to come, not a special day. Your family has young children, your wife should embrace that, a wonderful family day to celebrate you marriage. To drive a wedge between you, your siblings and your nieces and nephews is a huge red flag.

She sounds deranged

"For a lot of people, a destination wedding becomes their annual holiday, to a place they might not otherwise have chosen, but feel obliged to go or else cause friction (as we've seen here)."

Guests don't have to attend a destination wedding. Even family can simply decline. However, if a bride and groom plan a destination wedding, especially a destination wedding where the family members' kids aren't welcome, then it does give the impression that they don't care whether or not family members attend, don't care whether it costs them a lot of money, etc.

"Having to navigate foreign environment & unfamiliar/non existent childcare amenities, while focusing on children agitated from being away from home = childcare in a foreign country is even more stressful than childcare back home."

This too. And even if you fly out one of the in-laws to babysit, say the grandmother of one of the little cousins (i.e. someone not related directly to any of the people getting married), that grandmother is going to be really stressed out and will be babysitting at least two kids who barely know her. For 6 hours. OP clearly knows little about small children because babysitting small children for 6 hours in a strange place is NOT a nice vacation. It's a HUGE, exhausting favor, one that means the parents of the children are using up a LOT of the in-laws willingness to babysit for a long time, if the in-laws were even willing to do it.

Something that strikes me is that OP and his fiancee have been together since they were 15 years old and yet his fiancee dislikes his family. I wonder how that came to be. When did that animosity begin? I don't know, it just seems like weddings where the nieces and nephews of one side are excluded are usually where the bride or groom doesn't know the partner's family that well and it doesn't occur to them to think about the family culture of their partner. But if she has known his family for 15 years and yet has excluded his nieces and nephews, I find that a bit surprising.

This is really, really good advice.

I agree.
How do you compare her"dreams that she had since childhood" and the needs of your own siblings and their actual, living children? Sorry to say but your fiancee sounds horrible. Being nasty because she hasn't go her own way, and bearing a grudge of mega proportions.

It's also your wedding so she can't control whether your mother talks to you about it - that sounds very controlling.

On other hand while your family had a right to express some concerns about not being able to come with children they shouldn't have pressured you to change your plans, especially as you say this was your dream wedding. You should have made it clear to them as soon as the subject came up and you should not have allowed them to get so involved.

But anyway - if you can't resolve issues about the wedding and work together as a team then how do you expect to spend life together with all challenges it will throw at you?

I that the day was not about us and the most important thing was our guests) and we just didn't enjoy it. Too much pressure to please everyone when that's impossible anyway, and we spent all of our savings on it. Weddings have evolved, they are individual, and guests should be honoured to be invited at all. People should respect the Bride and Grooms wishes.

My DMum told me similar about her early 70s wedding - indeed MIL had disappointments about her registry office one - so we kept ours small for several reasons and kept costs down - we paid - so bulk of our saving could go toward house later. Family were all difficult but we still enjoyed the day though was glad our costs were low - I think Mum helped keep expectations realistic- family would always be a bit awkward and big events like wedding stressful and not everything perfect.

We did look at a wedding aboard but might have caused issue for our immediate family and we decide we wanted parents and siblings there but we weren't unhappy with UK venue.

Not sure what to think about one of DH landlords - big wedding aboard but for legal reason were advise to do UK ceremony at registry office - so they nipped out of work and got wed and then flew few day later for big wedding and didn't tell family. It makes sense in on way but also seemed a bit dishonest.