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Relationships
Absolutely hate my life
maybeinanoter86 · 24/01/2023 06:05
I don't know what I'm hoping for on here but I'm so stressed and feel completely stuck .
I have been with my fiancé for 11 years . He has a horrible childhood which has understandably made him have issues as an adult . For the first few years he would constantly flip and walk out , smash things . Would say it's me who would make him feel this way .
One day he would love me more than anything and I would feel so content . Then he would take it all away . I basically craved his love because I never knew how long I would have it for .
One day he would be so happy then all
Of a sudden out of the blue stop talking to me and this would last for days . I'd be crying asking what have I done and again he would just flip .
All this made me I'll . I developed crippling anxiety. Would cry all the time constantly apologising for everything because I thought everything was my fault .
I stupidly stuck with this for 11 years ! But for the last 2 I finally went on anxiety medication and its basically saved my life . The only downfall is it's made me care a lot less . So when he plays up it doesn't upset me anymore which has made him ten times worse . He's threatened so many times to leave me unless I stop taking my tablets .
So 8 months ago I finally got the dog I have wanted since I was a little girl and he's my life . I never knew I could love something so much . He's a German shepherd and absolutely adorable. He's obsessed with me and has to be by my side 24/7.
Ever since we got him my partner has gotten worse . He's actually jealous of him . The dog sleeps in bed with us and my partner has slept on the sofa because of it .
Again he threatened to leave unless I ignore the dog . How can I ignore the dog when he's coming up to me wanting to sit on the sofa . I can't and would never do it .
He doesn't come for walks with us. But then winges that I spend all my time with the dog . I take him to beautiful places when I'm not working and on weekends but every morning and night we still have lovely walks . I have bagged my partner to come but he won't then has a go that I'm walking him too much .
He's told me to chose him or the dog . I chose the dog . He left but came back the next day .
So this weekend he accused me of saying something insulting to him which I didn't and he smashed my lamp shade at the wall . It was aimed at me . Then said I hope the dog dies !
At this point I tell him to leave and after ten minutes he gets his stuff and goes .
For the first time ever I felt relieved. Usually I'd be a mess thinking I'm not going to cope but this time was different. So this was Friday. Lastnight there was a knock at my door and it was him . In the same clothes that he left in and bawling his eyes out saying he's sorry .
I let him in ! And this morning I honestly can't believe I done it . I am so disappointed with my self . Two hours of being home he came to bed and instantly started having a go that the dog was in bed . I just thought here we go again .
I only let him back home because I felt sorry for him .
Has anyone only ever been with somone because they worry about them ? He's not mentally stable and I worry that he would harm himself . Also all his family died a few years ago . He has no friends . I'm basically all he has
category12 · 24/01/2023 19:43
Good God, all this concern for the sodding dog… it’s the OP’s safety and well-being that is paramount!
To be fair, OP hasn't felt able to prioritise her own well-being in years, so the dog's well-being may be more of a motivator.
ricepuddin · 24/01/2023 19:48
You're worried about his mental health when he literally tried to force you to stop taking medication for your own mental health??
FeelingLost2 · 24/01/2023 19:54
I would choose the dog every time.
This isn't a life. Bin this oxygen thief.
nzeire · 24/01/2023 20:12
Heartbreaking read. You sound like a beautiful young woman with the possibility a promising, happy life. So much joy from your walks, the beach, your dog.
I hope you find the strength to separate from your fiancé. You can’t save him, I’m sorry. But you can save yourself xxxx
HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 24/01/2023 21:06
Hoping OP is ok this evening and can get this arsehole out of her house.
maybeinanoter86 · 24/01/2023 21:19
Hi everyone I will go through all the new comments as soon as I send this . I have just came back from a long walk with my mother and the dog .
It's 100 percent over this time . Why I felt sorry for him to let him back I don't know . So as soon as he walked in from work I knew something was wrong . I asked him is everything ok and he said abruptly yes . So I relied I know it isn't so tell me please . He then says coming back was a mistake and he doesn't know what to do . He then goes on about the dog saying I have an unhealthy relationship ship with him . For example I always have to be touching him or next to him .
I said that's normal for people with dogs . Apparently it's not . He then says I love the dog more than him and then says if I had to choose who was to die him or the dog I would choose him . I just said I'm not even anwsering that because it's such a bizarre question.
He has a lot of savings . And money is one thing apart from football that he loves the most . He says on the day we broke up he bought tickets to go to Italy with the football boys in February. He then says he's even going to move to Australia because I got all this money I might as-well spend it .
The football comment really upset me . I don't get how after all this time with someone the first thing you think about is going away for a piss up . When the next day all I was doing was worrying about money and sorting out extra work just so I can still stay in the house .
Then after all this he calls me a mess and how I have left myself go . Then the next minute asks me if I want pizza .
He went in the shower and I just went straight out to my mothers for the walk . Came back home and he's sat down stairs , drinking and didn't even acknowledge me . So I'm in bed now with my boy . I have basically lived up here the last few months because of how bad it's been .
My mother has said to end it this time . She felt sorry for him on the weekend as-well .i asked him why he was living in his van when we finished and he said to save Money . So he won't book in to a b n b or sort a house out but will willingly spend on going out drinking and football . I don't get it .
Somehow I feel worse now than I did on the weekend 😢
pointythings · 24/01/2023 21:38
He's flailing about in desperation trying to come up with something that will break down your resolve and is flinging it all at you in one relentless barrage. Stand firm, these are his last struggles to prevent himself from getting broken up with. You have nothing to feel guilty about. And your relationship with your dog is completely normal - I'm a cat person (I have 4) and one of them would sit on me all day if it were possible. Three of them sleep on my bed. It's called unconditional love, which is something your soon to be fully ex doesn't understand.
Thepossibility · 24/01/2023 21:47
You deserve to be free from this man.
You have given this cretin too many precious years already.
You don't need to feel sorry for him, or sad for him.
It's a pointless and toxic cycle that he enjoys (because he is toxic! This is his oxygen!) and is draining you of all joy and hope.
He's taken up enough of your head and your heart.
I'm worried about the safely of your dog with him around.
Break free.
Natty13 · 24/01/2023 22:08
I have a dog who is my absolute world too, and my first thought was he is getting more and more jealous of the dog and something bad will end up happening.
Either he will hurt your boy or get rid of him (I know someone whose partner sold the dog to someone without telling her and plenty men are known to have poisoned or hit dogs) or he will throw something/shout at you and it will trigger the dog to defend you...GSD are obviously very protective over their person. Then your precious boy would get the blame. A dog defending their owner from attack is absolutely no defence in the eyes of the law and the police would treat him as a dangerous dog.
If you love your dog as much as you seem to you would do the responsible thing and keep him out of your home and where he cannot hurt the one thing that genuinely loves you. If you can't do it for yourself do it for your boy.
Houseplantmad · 24/01/2023 22:19
Please take the day off work tomorrow and get your locks changed after you’ve got rid of him and his stuff. Then get a video doorbell so that you can ignore it when he crawls back to you.
He’s not your responsibility.
EL8888 · 24/01/2023 22:26
He needs to go ASAP. As others have said prioritise yourself and your dog. He sounds abusive and a dead weight lm afraid
Farmageddon · 24/01/2023 22:41
He sounds awful, get rid as soon as possible. He's never going to change - 5 minutes after he came back the last time he was having a go at you, do you really want to be dealing with this shit for the rest of your life? I would also worry that he would do something nasty to the dog as he sounds jealous.
Why are you even with this guy - he makes you miserable. Seriously, being single is so much better than this. You are not his saviour, you are not responsible for his behaviour. Just tell him to leave and change to locks or something.
Then focus on the positive things you have in your life, like your lovely dog.
maybeinanoter86 · 25/01/2023 05:46
I just want to thank every single one of you who has took time the comment on my post.
Sometimes on here I have come across a few bullies . I have name changed for this post . But I am truly blown away by the kindness of all of you . With out you I would still be thinking all this is because of the way I am .
As one poster mentioned that I have got a lot of love to give and I have . But it's never got me anywhere good in the long run . My only focus now is on my boy and obviously just trying to get through the days until I feel like my old self and able to cope on my own .
I have never been single . I have been in long term relationships since the age of 13 . I was with my ex for 10 years from 14 and then jumped in to this . I knew from the start it wasn't right but stupidly just needed to be loved .
I did mention about my childhood being pretty bad . I have had counselling a few times and it brought back memories that I had either forgot or chose to forget . Also I bought the book why women love too much and that made me see why I do fall in love with men like this .
I'm in work now and I don't know why but I do feel worse than I did at the start . But I know and need to realise this is normal .
Before I bet my fiancé I never cried . Growing up emotion was a sign of weakness so I just couldn't cry in front of anyone . But last night I had a good cry and feel drained from it lol .
All the posters mentioning about being worried that he will hurt my dog . He is never alone with him and as much as he's horrible to me I can 100 percent say he would never touch my boy. Thankyou all so much for caring ❤️
One thing for sure this relationship has taught me is I will never let anyone in to my life again . That way no one gets hurt .
As for my friends . They are still always there for me thankgod . All I would have to do is text them and they would be there . We have all still been in contact over the years but not as much as we used to be .
When I'm sad I prefere to deal with it on my own . Apart from talking on here . I wish I didn't because probably having them at home with me whilst going through this would help me .
Hillrunning · 25/01/2023 05:53
He isn't your responsibility and the feelings you have are not love.
Keep repeating that to yourself
Pashazade · 25/01/2023 07:38
I would say OP, one well done for pushing through and getting rid again. Make sure every time you waiver you look at your dog and remember how much happier it is with just the pair of you. Two coping alone has been a safety mechanism for you from what you've mentioned of your childhood allowing other people to see you in pain was not a good idea. Reaching out to your old friends would probably really help you now, even if it's just for a coffee and a bit of company you can preface any meet up with I've split with so and so and need a bit of company for an hour. There is no requirement to go into the details with them but a little non judgemental company will likely do you good. They will likely be relieved at the news and happy to see you. Good luck.
Remona · 25/01/2023 07:45
Good luck to you, OP. Sometimes we can’t see the wood for the trees. When you’ve been in a situation for such a long time it becomes the norm and it’s difficult to see a life outside of that situation. It sounds like your dog was the catalyst here and that’s a great thing. There’s a much happier, calmer, better life waiting for you without that man in it.
pointythings · 25/01/2023 09:20
I think that taking a good few years to learn to love being single, emotionally strong and independent and surrounded by friends/dog would be really good for you. Once you've learned how easy it is to be happy single, the world is a different place.
Johnduttonsbuttocks · 25/01/2023 14:30
Houseplantmad · 24/01/2023 22:19
Please take the day off work tomorrow and get your locks changed after you’ve got rid of him and his stuff. Then get a video doorbell so that you can ignore it when he crawls back to you.
He’s not your responsibility.
This.
Guessitswednesday · 25/01/2023 19:09
If hes hit you and violent, wait until he goes out, dump his shit outside and change the locks and please, call the police if he kicks off. He doesnt deserve an explanation or an opportunity to try and flip it round and try convince you its your fault. It's his, hes a dick. He can afford somewhere to stay hes just using as ammunition to get you to let him back in. Look at non molestation orders, you can put them in place yourself without the need for police involvement but please do involve them if you need to. Nothings your fault, its his, if he cant accept that, well thats still his problem. X
Idontknowhatnametochoose · 25/01/2023 19:27
UWhatNow · 24/01/2023 19:40
Good God, all this concern for the sodding dog… it’s the OP’s safety and well-being that is paramount!
Op your precious life and energy is being drained by this selfish and abusive man. You know it can’t go on. Please leave him and reclaim the life and potential you deserve. The happiness you’ve found with your pet is just a fraction of the better life you could have without this man holding you back and coercing you.
Um animals matter too...a life is a life.
Igotthegoose · 25/01/2023 19:34
I would just like to add that he will be absolutely fine if you break up with him.
He is just manipulating you in to thinking he won’t be. Hence why you take him back over ‘worry’ for him. It’s just smoke and mirrors.
Please claim your life back Op, you only get one. Have a think of who it will be down to if he does hurt your dog, please don’t allow this to continue any further for both of yours sake
Fraaahnces · 27/01/2023 01:21
I hope he’s taken his van away from you and your property and can’t get in. I would change the locks immediately to protect the dog. I wouldn’t put it past him to come back and be vindictive. You need to stop calling him your partner. He has never been a partner. He’s just a man. Or THAT man. Partners are very different. You dog has shown you this already.
I’m so proud of you. So very, very proud. Don’t be closed to love. Just know how to see it for what it really is. It’s definitely not all words. Dog’s don’t use words at all. It’s shown to you daily through consistent action and patience. Be gentle with yourself and treat yourself with the kind of respect your dog does too. Expect nothing less. You really DO deserve that!!!
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