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Absolutely hate my life
maybeinanoter86 · 24/01/2023 06:05
I don't know what I'm hoping for on here but I'm so stressed and feel completely stuck .
I have been with my fiancé for 11 years . He has a horrible childhood which has understandably made him have issues as an adult . For the first few years he would constantly flip and walk out , smash things . Would say it's me who would make him feel this way .
One day he would love me more than anything and I would feel so content . Then he would take it all away . I basically craved his love because I never knew how long I would have it for .
One day he would be so happy then all
Of a sudden out of the blue stop talking to me and this would last for days . I'd be crying asking what have I done and again he would just flip .
All this made me I'll . I developed crippling anxiety. Would cry all the time constantly apologising for everything because I thought everything was my fault .
I stupidly stuck with this for 11 years ! But for the last 2 I finally went on anxiety medication and its basically saved my life . The only downfall is it's made me care a lot less . So when he plays up it doesn't upset me anymore which has made him ten times worse . He's threatened so many times to leave me unless I stop taking my tablets .
So 8 months ago I finally got the dog I have wanted since I was a little girl and he's my life . I never knew I could love something so much . He's a German shepherd and absolutely adorable. He's obsessed with me and has to be by my side 24/7.
Ever since we got him my partner has gotten worse . He's actually jealous of him . The dog sleeps in bed with us and my partner has slept on the sofa because of it .
Again he threatened to leave unless I ignore the dog . How can I ignore the dog when he's coming up to me wanting to sit on the sofa . I can't and would never do it .
He doesn't come for walks with us. But then winges that I spend all my time with the dog . I take him to beautiful places when I'm not working and on weekends but every morning and night we still have lovely walks . I have bagged my partner to come but he won't then has a go that I'm walking him too much .
He's told me to chose him or the dog . I chose the dog . He left but came back the next day .
So this weekend he accused me of saying something insulting to him which I didn't and he smashed my lamp shade at the wall . It was aimed at me . Then said I hope the dog dies !
At this point I tell him to leave and after ten minutes he gets his stuff and goes .
For the first time ever I felt relieved. Usually I'd be a mess thinking I'm not going to cope but this time was different. So this was Friday. Lastnight there was a knock at my door and it was him . In the same clothes that he left in and bawling his eyes out saying he's sorry .
I let him in ! And this morning I honestly can't believe I done it . I am so disappointed with my self . Two hours of being home he came to bed and instantly started having a go that the dog was in bed . I just thought here we go again .
I only let him back home because I felt sorry for him .
Has anyone only ever been with somone because they worry about them ? He's not mentally stable and I worry that he would harm himself . Also all his family died a few years ago . He has no friends . I'm basically all he has
hulahoopqueen · 24/01/2023 06:10
So in this post, you've described someone who is very single-minded, clearly devoted to you, will go to any lengths to keep you safe and loved.
It's the dog.
Ditch the bloke. The fact that he doesn't have friends is quite possibly testament to the fact that he is a bullying, gaslighting piece of shit. You very very clearly have a lot of love to give, but this man does not deserve either your love or you.
Please, please tell your family/friends/women's aid and I can assure you they will want to help and support you in moving on without him.
Wishing you the best.
daretodenim · 24/01/2023 06:21
I'm sorry he's like this OP.
You are supposed to be his partner, not his possession, mother or therapist. It's a very unhealthy dynamic and he's abusive.
You don't need to worry about him hurting himself. That's his call, his responsibility. He needs to get help to deal with his problems. They're not yours and abusing you is not a way to deal with them. Tell him to call the Samaritans if he claims he needs support - sounds callous but it's not.
Ask him to leave this morning and don't let him back in. If you know where he goes and are worried about his welfare call the police to do a welfare check (my friend did this in similar situation).
Lots of people have tough childhoods - very tough too - and don't abuse their partner. They don't blame their partner for their own behaviour either.
If this man is going to change, he needs a lot of help, from professionals. It's impossible for you to do it. And in case he comes out with the "I'll get therapy" line, tell him fine, but he's still not living with you now. Because it's a very easy line to say and something harder to actually do. He'd need not less than a year too.
Can you tell a friend to come over when you tell him to get out? It would be good to have support and help ensure he doesn't let his temper get the better of him. And close your dog in a room too so s/he's out of the way in case he kicks off.
Don't be guilt-tripped. Remember it's likely to come. Remember it's a tactic to keep control of you. Stick to your guns, you deserve not to be treated like this.
Eixample · 24/01/2023 06:26
You can’t continue to sacrifice your happiness and mental health in case he does something to himself voluntarily.
You say he is worse if you are less affected by his actions. That sounds like something he’s in control of.
Split but don’t take him back.
He has thrown things and his violence may escalate when you don’t take him back. Please look after yourself and consider also that he might harm the dog to hurt you.
MsMcGonagall · 24/01/2023 06:29
I am scared for you OP, he is abusive. The most dangerous time for a woman with an abusive man is when they are breaking up. He smashes things to warn you of his physical power - suggesting it will be you next. He's already envisaging killing the dog.
So it is good advice here to ask someone to be with you when you next ask him to leave. You could contact Womens Aid for other advice on staying safe while you break up.
PS you don't owe him anything- his actions and their consequences are all on him.
category12 · 24/01/2023 06:30
You're in a classic domestic abuse situation.
He uses his poor mh as a weapon and manipulative tool to make you stay with him. But you're not helping him, you're just enabling him to play out this abuse on you, which is bad for you, and bad for him, tbh. He needs proper help if he's mentally ill, not a relationship with you. Being mentally ill isn't an excuse to be abusive: most people suffering manage to treat their loved ones decently.
It's actually really common for abusive men to claim poor mh or that they will kill themselves if their partner leaves. They're far more likely to be fine and move on to another victim.
Splitting up with him is the right thing to do. Stop falling for his sob stories. Get rid.
Zanatdy · 24/01/2023 06:33
Don’t keep living like this. Ask him to leave, he’s never going to change. Stay strong and don’t let him back, you only get one life and you’re washing it being stuck with this aggressive loser. No excuses, his childhood was shit, doesn’t mean it’s acceptable to treat you so poorly. Dogs are all you need
Michellebops · 24/01/2023 06:36
Ask him to leave today and not to come back. You deserve so much more.
Please tell someone how he treats you and hopefully they will be your strength in not allowing him back.
He's a very selfish man who wants you back to being his own person to blame and be the upset one to give him some satisfaction for hurting you.
Your meds haven't made you care less they've got you to a point where you've been through his behaviour so many times it's on repeat and you know you cant solve it. He needs counselling
DancingLeaves · 24/01/2023 06:39
Please get some self-respect OP, develop a backbone and get rid of this miserable piece of crap.
Newsflash - it's not your job to try and fix him. His issues aren't your problem.
He was fu*ed up when you met him, he is still fu*ed up now and he'll be fu*ed after he's gone.
You deserve better so go for it !
Fraaahnces · 24/01/2023 06:39
Ffs, the dog is showing you the very basics of a decent, loving relationship. This man is not. Bin him and send him home to mummy/off to a shelter. He is psychologically and emotionally abusive - and aggressive. He has no redeeming features. Dog wins hands down.
caramac04 · 24/01/2023 06:45
He is not your responsibility. He is an adult not your child.
You absolutely deserve better and you’ve certainly got that in your dog.
You need to tell him to leave, maybe ask his family to keep an eye on him but stay strong and don’t have him back for sympathy’s sake, he will never make you happy.
mickandrorty · 24/01/2023 06:50
So this morning you say your feelings have not changed the relationship has runs its course, you would like him to get the rest of his things and leave. i would be very worried the next target for things being launched at would be the dog. You cant live the rest of your life like this be strong you should not be with someone because you feel sorry for them, he is an adult and needs to sort his shit out, he can do that on his own rather than making another god knows how many years of your life an absolute fucking misery.
Remona · 24/01/2023 06:52
Please remember that the reason he came back again is not because he loves you, not because losing you would be the worst thing ever, not because he’s sorry and is committed to making it work. He came back simply because he had nowhere else to go.
If he had family or an OW to take him in, he wouldn’t give two hoots about you. He can go to a hotel/B&B short term.
Do not put up with his abuse any longer. You’ll get more love from your dog than that loser.
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