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Relationships
Absolutely hate my life
maybeinanoter86 · 24/01/2023 06:05
I don't know what I'm hoping for on here but I'm so stressed and feel completely stuck .
I have been with my fiancé for 11 years . He has a horrible childhood which has understandably made him have issues as an adult . For the first few years he would constantly flip and walk out , smash things . Would say it's me who would make him feel this way .
One day he would love me more than anything and I would feel so content . Then he would take it all away . I basically craved his love because I never knew how long I would have it for .
One day he would be so happy then all
Of a sudden out of the blue stop talking to me and this would last for days . I'd be crying asking what have I done and again he would just flip .
All this made me I'll . I developed crippling anxiety. Would cry all the time constantly apologising for everything because I thought everything was my fault .
I stupidly stuck with this for 11 years ! But for the last 2 I finally went on anxiety medication and its basically saved my life . The only downfall is it's made me care a lot less . So when he plays up it doesn't upset me anymore which has made him ten times worse . He's threatened so many times to leave me unless I stop taking my tablets .
So 8 months ago I finally got the dog I have wanted since I was a little girl and he's my life . I never knew I could love something so much . He's a German shepherd and absolutely adorable. He's obsessed with me and has to be by my side 24/7.
Ever since we got him my partner has gotten worse . He's actually jealous of him . The dog sleeps in bed with us and my partner has slept on the sofa because of it .
Again he threatened to leave unless I ignore the dog . How can I ignore the dog when he's coming up to me wanting to sit on the sofa . I can't and would never do it .
He doesn't come for walks with us. But then winges that I spend all my time with the dog . I take him to beautiful places when I'm not working and on weekends but every morning and night we still have lovely walks . I have bagged my partner to come but he won't then has a go that I'm walking him too much .
He's told me to chose him or the dog . I chose the dog . He left but came back the next day .
So this weekend he accused me of saying something insulting to him which I didn't and he smashed my lamp shade at the wall . It was aimed at me . Then said I hope the dog dies !
At this point I tell him to leave and after ten minutes he gets his stuff and goes .
For the first time ever I felt relieved. Usually I'd be a mess thinking I'm not going to cope but this time was different. So this was Friday. Lastnight there was a knock at my door and it was him . In the same clothes that he left in and bawling his eyes out saying he's sorry .
I let him in ! And this morning I honestly can't believe I done it . I am so disappointed with my self . Two hours of being home he came to bed and instantly started having a go that the dog was in bed . I just thought here we go again .
I only let him back home because I felt sorry for him .
Has anyone only ever been with somone because they worry about them ? He's not mentally stable and I worry that he would harm himself . Also all his family died a few years ago . He has no friends . I'm basically all he has
Shgytfgtf111 · 24/01/2023 09:09
I dont think we need to keep warning the Op that he might hurt the dog, I think she gets the message.
Op I think you need to ask him to leave tonight when you get in. If you dont have many friends IRL (and I wouldnt be surprised if he has isolated you from other people), I would call the police and tell them you will be asking your abusive partner to leave.
Dont take him back whatever you do, the reason your lovely pup is glued to your side the way he is is probably because he senses you arent happy when your partner is around.
maranella · 24/01/2023 09:13
Your DP is an abusive arsehole. Whatever the excuse for that behaviour - his childhood - he's still an abusive arsehole.
So the next time he threatens to leave, call his bluff and instead of begging him to stay, say 'Don't let the door hit you on the way out'. Oh - and keep your dog. I'm not a dog person either, but he sounds fabulous and just what you need.
maranella · 24/01/2023 09:14
And you're not weak - you've just been abused for so long you now feel it's normal. It's not.
I'm not surprised he's got no friends.
slowquickstep · 24/01/2023 09:26
Please, you only have one to live and this manchild who makes you ill and very unhappy has taken up far too much of it already. If you can't get rid of him for yourself do it for your dog. x
CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 24/01/2023 09:27
www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding#additional-resources
Your trauma bond is behind your struggle, read up on it and know it's not your fault, but support is available.
Insideallday · 24/01/2023 09:31
You have given him enough time of your life. You only have one life, enjoy it. Tell him leave for good and enjoy your life with your dog.
I would let someone know that you are breaking up with him for good, he sounds unstable and could hurt you or the dog.
Beat of luck 🍀. You deserve more
DarkShade · 24/01/2023 09:38
You are not stupid at all OP, this is in no way your fault. This mad has reduced you to an anxious mess, and has ramped up the abuse now that you've found your inner strength in the form of your meds and your brilliant new dog. Let this moment of clairty and stength carry you into your new life.
You say you've helped 3 friends - reach out to them, and anyone else in your life who will have your back. Kick out the absuer, and get your friends to come round and stay with you to make sure you don't let him back in! Think of the great life you will have without him. You already own your house so won't have to move. You can wake up on your days off, go on lovely walks with your dog, meet up with friends, come back home to cuddle your dog on the sofa and relax, No more walking on egg shells, no more fear, no more abuse You can do it!
Mumsanetta · 24/01/2023 09:40
I think you’re questioning your relationship so much now because you are finally starting to see who your partner really is and understanding that he is not good for you. Your love for your dog is very touching - if you are struggling to end your relationship for yourself, do it for your dog. He is clearly not safe around your partner.
Your partner’s behaviour is escalating as you say he is now throwing stuff at you. Next time, he might actually physically assault you. German Shepherds are very loving and protective dogs and regardless of how docile he may seem I would not be surprised if the next time your partner kicks off at you your dog attacks him to protect you. I would be firmly in your dog’s corner if that happened but your dog would be at risk of being put to sleep. Focus on keeping your dog safe if it makes it easier for you to end this relationship.
HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 24/01/2023 09:44
Flowersintheattic57 · 24/01/2023 08:56
Can you message him to say you want him to leave while you are at work. Then message some friends to come home with you to make sure he has so you are not on your own?
There is nothing you can salvage here, let him go and don’t have him back.
I’d be worried about the dog if he’s alone with the partner - can you get a friend to take the dog then another friend to come with you and get him out? Change the locks etc?
stairgates · 24/01/2023 09:49
Build on the strength your gaining at the minute! This is not the man for you at all. You need to ask him to leave and then block him. Then look at some nice trips away for you and your dog, walking holidays would be brilliant. This man will try the tactic of next offering you a baby to be a 'real' family. Do not be drawn in by this as it will be a ploy to get rid of the dog. Enjoy your future🙂
maybeinanoter86 · 24/01/2023 10:52
Thankyou all so much for your comments. Some have got me emotional.
I too had an awful childhood . Not all the time but for most of it . Constant alcohol , physical and emotional abuse off both parents . I was so scared of my mother that when ever she used to come up stairs shouting I would pee myself .
And I haven't turned out a nasty person . I don't want to be anything like my parents . I do try to help everyone but obviously you can't help someone who doesn't see a problem with those behaviour .
He's been diagnosed with schizophrenia and bi polar but refuses to take his medication. He blames me for his moods . Also with the lamp thrown if he's always thrown stuff , he has hit me a few times , the hitting has always been after drink .
He always blamed me for starting arguments when we both used to go out together. It's got to the point where I don't go out with him at all . It's been about 5 years now . I don't even drink alcohol because of how anxious it makes me because of everything that has happened.
As for friends I still have my close group from childhood but yes he has tried his best for me to not have no one . I used to love going out with the girls . That soon stopped because of the crap I would have when I got home . Or he would randomly turn up and lose it calling me horrible names .
So for years I have basically been a hermit. Before the dog I used to go for walks on the beach a lot on my own . My partner would always say I need a life because I'm always walking on the beach and how sad it is but I kept doing it . It's my relaxing place . Just sitting there listening to the sea.
I have already had a text off him . Wondering why I didn't have sex with him last night . I give up . I know I need him gone and I'm going to have to have a good talk to him when I get home
maybeinanoter86 · 24/01/2023 10:53
stairgates · 24/01/2023 09:49
Build on the strength your gaining at the minute! This is not the man for you at all. You need to ask him to leave and then block him. Then look at some nice trips away for you and your dog, walking holidays would be brilliant. This man will try the tactic of next offering you a baby to be a 'real' family. Do not be drawn in by this as it will be a ploy to get rid of the dog. Enjoy your future🙂
He's been demanding a baby for years . I have always said I would never have a baby with him . No way would I want my child growing up thinking what has he done to daddy because once again he's in a moon and ignoring everyone for days x
Mumsanetta · 24/01/2023 11:13
@maybeinanoter86 you certainly are building on your strength! This is your moment x
Someone above mentioned a walking holiday with your dog and I think it would be a great way to get some peace if you can. Channel 4 had a brilliant series called Walks With My Dog and if you haven’t already watched it I would recommend it on their catch up service.
CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 24/01/2023 11:37
Bloody hell op! You're amazing for coming through that with a sense of what you need to make you happy. Peaceful walls on the beach with your lovely dog sound like heaven not sad at all!!!
You must be a lovely person for your friendships to have survived all this time despite lack of time together.
Sending hugs.
Please bring people in to support you as you ask him to go.
DressingForRevenge · 24/01/2023 11:44
Please don’t end up like my friend I mentioned earlier. She’s just messaged to say he’s been shouting at her for days because she’s getting ill from work (serious health condition).
She’s not working for “shits and giggles” but to put food on the table.
The obvious solution would be for HIM to actually work more than 15 hours a week. But keeping her in the house and at his beck and call suits him better.
I suggested to her that it’s “not OK” and she’s told me it’s fine because he only does it because he “really cares” and hasn’t taken his meds.
Idontknowhatnametochoose · 24/01/2023 12:08
Definitely don't have a baby.
Find the strengh to tell him to leave before he harms you and your dog. Trust me once he's gone for good your mental health will improve. Just don't let him in if he comes back crying. I did and it was the worst mistake of my life.
CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 24/01/2023 13:18
Demanding a baby for years
Wow. Thank goodness you had your head screwed on and good birth control.
I hope you enjoy your freedom soon. 🙏
Goldpaw · 24/01/2023 13:24
I know I need him gone and I'm going to have to have a good talk to him when I get home
Be careful OP and don't underestimate him.
I would get in touch with the police and if they offer to be present when you tell him to leave take them up on it.
LanternGhost · 24/01/2023 13:29
Get rid of him, I'm worried about both you and the dog! If he hits you again the dog could attack him which could lead to it being put down! Given his instability he may also try to physically hurt the dog. Please protect both of you!
MenopauseSucks · 24/01/2023 13:53
Do you have any family/friends that can help you whilst you evict your former 'partner'.
Like other PPs, I would be concerned that he would do all he could to harm your dog.
Is there any way you give your dog temporarily to someone to look after or maybe even put the dog in kennels for a while to keep him safe whilst the eviction is going on?
The house is in your name so your 'partner' has no rights so clear his stuff out & change the locks.
pointythings · 24/01/2023 14:49
You aren't married and the house is yours. You have a perfect relationship already - with your dog. Find your spine and get rid of this man. You owe him nothing.
Glittersparkle76 · 24/01/2023 18:59
Hope you're OK OP?,this 'man' will take some shaking off I feel,I dont think he will go quietly so stay safe, stay strong and look forward to a stress free life with your lovely dog 😊 ❤️ x
Aquamarine1029 · 24/01/2023 19:04
You've wasted 11 years, don't give him one more day. Stop being your own worst enemy and tell him to get the fuck out right now.
perfectcolourfound · 24/01/2023 19:10
Sending you strengh @maybeinanoter86 You can do this.
You know you need him out of your life in order to be happy and safe and content. Imagine your home, just you and your lovely dog. Peaceful. Cosy. A place of love and warmth. Imagine being able to reconnect with your friends. Never worrying about what he's thinking or what mood he'll be in or what he'll blame you for next. I'm so happy it's your house. Do you have someone (family / friend / neighbour) who could be with you while you tell him to leave?
If an old friend of mine, whose controlling bf had made her lose contact with me, asked for help to leave him, I'd be there in a shot.
Tell him to leave and to take all his things - so he has no reason to return. Make sure he doesn't have a key - change the locks if there's any chance he has a spare.
And don't feel sorry for him. Read your posts back, as if they were written by a stranger. Which person do you feel sorry for? - The abusive, violent, uncaring, gaslighting, self-pitying, imature, selfish, self-centred manchild, or the woman who's done her best for years and has been ground down by him, bullied, not allowed to live the life she wants? He's a monster. You don't make him like that. You've done nothing wrong. It's who he is.
PLEASE leave this awful man. Seek help if you're able to, to make sure he goes. Then just block him and you never have to see him again.
UWhatNow · 24/01/2023 19:40
Good God, all this concern for the sodding dog… it’s the OP’s safety and well-being that is paramount!
Op your precious life and energy is being drained by this selfish and abusive man. You know it can’t go on. Please leave him and reclaim the life and potential you deserve. The happiness you’ve found with your pet is just a fraction of the better life you could have without this man holding you back and coercing you.
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