Mumsnet Logo
Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Relationships

Should I shag Dh?!

88 replies

Newsheets · 23/01/2023 21:53

Dh and I both stressed due to family stuff.
He looks terrible and stressed and not sleeping. He wants a shag, but it feels like yet another chore to me - there’s no cuddling or affection, we never snuggle up on the sofa for example or give each other a squeeze. I find this difficult as I love hugs and affection and snuggling. We’ve had another day of emotions and it’s exhausting.
he wants to just have a shag and when I explained I’m embarrassed, son 15 is still awake and actually I’m just not able to be sexy on demand, he gets all oh I’ll just go to bed then. It feels wierd somehow. Aibu?!

OP posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

nc1013 · 23/01/2023 21:56

There's no way I'd be in the mood in this situation. If I wasn't in the mood it would be a straight 'no' from me.

He's not in the mood for cuddles/kissing/affection and clearly isnt willing to put himself out to meet your desires

Please
or
to access all these features

Luredbyapomegranate · 23/01/2023 21:57

No!

It is perfectly reasonable to want affection as part of sex, and to need to make some space for it. Assuming he isn’t normally inconsiderate like this (I hope) can you spell it out and suggest a time later in the week? I do think the reality is you need to diary it.

Please
or
to access all these features

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 23/01/2023 21:57

What’s the wider picture here? Beyond the family stuff/ are there problems? Is the lack of affection a long term issue?

if it’s all because of current situation then it might be a good thing to reconnect. Can you set some time aside to be together while 15yo is at school? Take an afternoon off?

sounds like you both need the break

Please
or
to access all these features

nc1013 · 23/01/2023 21:59

I've read a few posts recently where DPs have "asked for sex"

This concept baffles me but maybe it's just me. With my DP, exH (and other exPs) sex always started with affection/a kiss/ a squeeze and would sometimes progress and sometimes wouldn't.

One of us would be affectionate to the other and depending on the response would depend on whether we ended up shagging. It was quite a natural progression. The thought of someone asking me for sex gives me the absolute ick

Please
or
to access all these features

SleepingStandingUp · 23/01/2023 22:05

nc1013 · 23/01/2023 21:59

I've read a few posts recently where DPs have "asked for sex"

This concept baffles me but maybe it's just me. With my DP, exH (and other exPs) sex always started with affection/a kiss/ a squeeze and would sometimes progress and sometimes wouldn't.

One of us would be affectionate to the other and depending on the response would depend on whether we ended up shagging. It was quite a natural progression. The thought of someone asking me for sex gives me the absolute ick

Agree, I couldn't imagine DH saying can we have sex and me being like oh OK, I'll take off my clothes and spread my legs on command...

OP can you talk to him away from the bedroom when sex is def off the table? Explain that a cuddle and a kiss without expectation of sex is actually more likely to lead to sex that a request at 9 pm when the kids are awake and he's not even touched you all day.

Please
or
to access all these features

Newsheets · 23/01/2023 22:09

Thanks! For the Good ideas and tips. Have to say him going off to sulk is a turn off too!

OP posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

determinedtomakethiswork · 23/01/2023 22:21

He's a complete idiot if he thinks anyone would want sex with him if he doesn't show them any affection. It's Sex101.

Please
or
to access all these features

321user123 · 23/01/2023 22:23

Mmmhm I think he wants to blow off some steam and he needs your help to do it.
I’d just do it for him as a one off.
Later or tomorrow or whatever ask for the “one off” in reverse to meet your needs.
It’s a 2 way street.

Please
or
to access all these features

Hadtochangeforthisone · 23/01/2023 22:27

It might do you both some good in the circs. But don't make yourself if you really don't want to.

Please
or
to access all these features

Annabananna1 · 23/01/2023 22:27

In my personal situation it's easier just to do it. Otherwise there's some sort of stress / negative energy radiating off H and I'm miserable as a result. The sharp atmosphere can go on for days or until we finally have sex. He doesn't seem to be able to stop it. It's been discussed and argued over many many times. Unfortunately I'm just at the point where laying down for a 10 min shag even though I don't feel like it is just the lesser of two evils.
But I'm very sorry you're also having to contemplate doing this. It isn't nice and it definitely isn't right. Suspect women having been doing this since the dawn of marriage. Unfortunately.

Please
or
to access all these features

Thesonglastslonger · 23/01/2023 22:29

This is a really common situation OP, I’ve had it and so have several of my friends.

Man feels tired and grumpy, withdraws affection, then moans he hasn’t had sex in ages. This makes the woman completely turned off. Woman points out lack of affection, man hears “You’re shit I hate you” and he supks off to bed on hisnown to watch porn on his phone or whatever.

Unfortunately we have not found a way to break this cycle other than for the woman to completely suppress how she feels, fake it, man then gets happy and expresses some affection, woman starts to like him again and things kind of get back to normal.

Shit isn’t it.

Please
or
to access all these features

Zanatdy · 23/01/2023 22:31

Annabananna1 · 23/01/2023 22:27

In my personal situation it's easier just to do it. Otherwise there's some sort of stress / negative energy radiating off H and I'm miserable as a result. The sharp atmosphere can go on for days or until we finally have sex. He doesn't seem to be able to stop it. It's been discussed and argued over many many times. Unfortunately I'm just at the point where laying down for a 10 min shag even though I don't feel like it is just the lesser of two evils.
But I'm very sorry you're also having to contemplate doing this. It isn't nice and it definitely isn't right. Suspect women having been doing this since the dawn of marriage. Unfortunately.

No wonder you don’t want it if it’s a 10 min job. Assume no foreplay involved either? These men need to go their game if they want their wife’s to actually want to have sex with them. Or don’t they even care if they want to or not, just that they do?!

Please
or
to access all these features

Felix01 · 23/01/2023 22:32

I would tell him you can't get turned on if he just asks you for sex. Mine was like that and I completely shut shop , suddenly he's doing all sorts and making an effort.. I've got my sex drive back..

Please
or
to access all these features

YRGAM · 23/01/2023 23:01

Tell him to Google "responsive desire'. It will change his life

Please
or
to access all these features

Thoughtful2355 · 23/01/2023 23:10

The worse is if you tell them and then they "make an effort" for like the day ... Like it's not making an effort if your only doing it to get me Into bed 🤣 I want you to actually help me , cuddle me and give me love because.. you love me ! Not because I have a vagina that you want!!!!

Please
or
to access all these features

EllieM27 · 23/01/2023 23:24

nc1013 · 23/01/2023 21:59

I've read a few posts recently where DPs have "asked for sex"

This concept baffles me but maybe it's just me. With my DP, exH (and other exPs) sex always started with affection/a kiss/ a squeeze and would sometimes progress and sometimes wouldn't.

One of us would be affectionate to the other and depending on the response would depend on whether we ended up shagging. It was quite a natural progression. The thought of someone asking me for sex gives me the absolute ick

Agreed! I can’t imagine being in a relationship where he just blundered up and grunted out “Want to have sex?” God no. Yuck. 🤢

OP he’s trying to use you as a combination stress relief ball and masturbatory tool and that’s deeply unattractive. It sounds like you’re overdue for a chat about your needs and not using your body to let off steam. As long as he’s not a Neanderthal he should get the concept that he needs to reciprocate and meet your needs too or it’s not appealing to you.

Please
or
to access all these features

SomeareDeluded · 23/01/2023 23:38

Cripes, we complain men don't communicate their needs and when they do, we put them down. OP, why not make a bit of effort to please the poor man, you might actually get in the mood and enjoy it if you took the initiative and stated the kissing and foreplay. Lock your bedroom door if worried about 15year old coming in.

Please
or
to access all these features

nc1013 · 23/01/2023 23:44

SomeareDeluded · 23/01/2023 23:38

Cripes, we complain men don't communicate their needs and when they do, we put them down. OP, why not make a bit of effort to please the poor man, you might actually get in the mood and enjoy it if you took the initiative and stated the kissing and foreplay. Lock your bedroom door if worried about 15year old coming in.

So it's ok for the 15 year old to be in the house and hear his mum and dad shagging & know exactly what is going....as long as the door is locked 🤢🤢🤢

Please
or
to access all these features

siroodlesofnoodles · 23/01/2023 23:49

Sometimes DH wants sex and I can't be bothered internally but I do it anyway because I know I'll enjoy it once we get going. And I do. He doesn't know this, otherwise he would be totally horrified.

I'm sure there have been times when I've fancied a bit and he's inwardly rolled his eyes and got on with it.

I think it's quite normal for some people to not be as bothered but do it anyway.

When I was BFing my children I would have happily never had sex again, God I couldn't abide it but I did it anyway because I love my husband.

Please
or
to access all these features

Newsheets · 23/01/2023 23:54

‘combination stress relief ball and masturbatory tool’ is what it feels like! There are so many times I get in with it anyway!
just not when son is awake two doors down. Yuk.

OP posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

DigitalTranny · 23/01/2023 23:54

When he is sitting on the sofa why don’t you just plonk yourself next to him and cuddle him? Say to him “I want a cuddle!” Would he walk away then or reciprocate?

If you want cuddles you have to ask, otherwise he won’t know what you want if he is not a particularly cuddly type. I am sure he is not a mind reader.
He ask for sex, you ask for cuddles. Quid pro quo. Why is it so difficult?

Please
or
to access all these features

Seadad · 24/01/2023 00:04

"I love hugs and affection and snuggling.".....

I explained I’m embarrassed, son 15 is still awake and actually I’m just not able to be sexy on demand"
Do you see the problem OP?

I'd say your communicating that you don't want to be intimate- when you do!

Please
or
to access all these features

monsteramunch · 24/01/2023 00:04

SomeareDeluded · 23/01/2023 23:38

Cripes, we complain men don't communicate their needs and when they do, we put them down. OP, why not make a bit of effort to please the poor man, you might actually get in the mood and enjoy it if you took the initiative and stated the kissing and foreplay. Lock your bedroom door if worried about 15year old coming in.

OP explains clearly that:

there’s no cuddling or affection, we never snuggle up on the sofa for example or give each other a squeeze. I find this difficult as I love hugs and affection and snuggling.

Why are her needs, in your opinion, less important than his?

Especially when his require her to, without affection first, have sex she doesn't want to but would do if he showed that affection.

And his involve his wife having sex she doesn't want to, with no affection shown first, because he wants her to?

Please
or
to access all these features

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/01/2023 00:18

321user123 · 23/01/2023 22:23

Mmmhm I think he wants to blow off some steam and he needs your help to do it.
I’d just do it for him as a one off.
Later or tomorrow or whatever ask for the “one off” in reverse to meet your needs.
It’s a 2 way street.

This is what wanking was invented for.

Please
or
to access all these features

SomeareDeluded · 24/01/2023 00:33

nc1013 · 23/01/2023 23:44

So it's ok for the 15 year old to be in the house and hear his mum and dad shagging & know exactly what is going....as long as the door is locked 🤢🤢🤢

It is possible to have a relatively silent 'kids are awake' shag.


Sex is supposed to be part of a loving relationship and perhaps if OP initiated some cuddling and kissing DH might reciprocate. Why is it always on the man to take the lead in this area?

No wonder so many posts on here about "my DH spends all his time wanking" or "DH is having an affair."

Please
or
to access all these features
Similar threads
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Sign up to continue reading

Mumsnet's better when you're logged in. You can customise your experience and access way more features like messaging, watch and hide threads, voting and much more.

Already signed up?