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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I shag Dh?!

88 replies

Newsheets · 23/01/2023 21:53

Dh and I both stressed due to family stuff.
He looks terrible and stressed and not sleeping. He wants a shag, but it feels like yet another chore to me - there’s no cuddling or affection, we never snuggle up on the sofa for example or give each other a squeeze. I find this difficult as I love hugs and affection and snuggling. We’ve had another day of emotions and it’s exhausting.
he wants to just have a shag and when I explained I’m embarrassed, son 15 is still awake and actually I’m just not able to be sexy on demand, he gets all oh I’ll just go to bed then. It feels wierd somehow. Aibu?!

OP posts:
LoekMa · 24/01/2023 09:20

Dont be surprised when someone else does.

MeanCanadianLady · 24/01/2023 09:31

@LoekMa

Don't be surprised when someone else does.

Wow. Unnecessary! OP is just asking for a little bit of romance and wants to feel loved. I don’t think that is asking for much. I think this is a symptom of a much bigger problem in their marriage and definitely needs to confronted. If OP just ignored it and “shagged” her husband then the symptom would be gone but the problem would remain. So your comment is really hateful and not helpful at all.

MistyFrequencies · 24/01/2023 09:32

Sex begets affection/affection begets sex in my experience. My husband feels closer to me when we are having regular sex and is therefore more affectionate (hugs etc without expectation of sex) and that increased affection makes me want to have sex with him more.
So i vote, shag him as often as you can for a week. I guarantee he will become more affectionate to you and you will want more sex with him.
.

Charlize43 · 24/01/2023 10:10

Couldn't you just suggest that he drills a hole in the wall for him to 'shag'?

It all sounds so perfunctory.

LoekMa · 24/01/2023 10:15

MeanCanadianLady · 24/01/2023 09:31

@LoekMa

Don't be surprised when someone else does.

Wow. Unnecessary! OP is just asking for a little bit of romance and wants to feel loved. I don’t think that is asking for much. I think this is a symptom of a much bigger problem in their marriage and definitely needs to confronted. If OP just ignored it and “shagged” her husband then the symptom would be gone but the problem would remain. So your comment is really hateful and not helpful at all.

No. Yours is. But the username checks out

So your comment is really hateful and not helpful at all.

YRGAM · 24/01/2023 10:15

FellOnMyArseToDay · 24/01/2023 02:03

Can’t he just go off and have a wank to himself? Blunt but solo play is great for relieving stress and helping yourself to a nice sleep.

Because he wants to have sex as this is how he feels close and intimate with his wife. If wanking solved that problem he would be doing it anyway

Honestly, some posters on this board have a teenage-level understanding of men

StarsSand · 24/01/2023 10:20

This is such a weird decision to crowd source an answer to.

Palmfrond · 24/01/2023 10:44

We do perfunctory shags in my marriage but we are on the same page on the role of sex in our relationship. Sex as a bargaining tool is a very tricky thing to negotiate.

monsteramunch · 24/01/2023 10:55

Palmfrond · 24/01/2023 10:44

We do perfunctory shags in my marriage but we are on the same page on the role of sex in our relationship. Sex as a bargaining tool is a very tricky thing to negotiate.

I don't get how sex is enjoyable when you know the other person isn't into it. If it works for you both then it works for you both, so that's not a value judgement. I just can't imagine shagging someone I know doesn't really want to and isn't really into it.

Mari9999 · 24/01/2023 11:01

Someone cuddling you because you ask or expect them to is not necessarily demonstrating love and affection sometimes for them it is just a meaningless act that they have been instructed to perform.- a sort of pantomime of affection without real meaning for one of the partners.

Genuine affection does not need to be scripted.

WhatAreYouOnAbout · 24/01/2023 11:37

I think marriage does not suit all people, me included but feel in too deep now with children involved, and he’s not too bad. Asking for sex puts me like right off, even if I did want to but hadn’t got in touch with it right being so busy with other family and work stuff. I push myself to do just to keep the peace and snap him out of the mood that darkens the whole house. Then it happens again. I literally feel like traumatized by this, I’m doing something I don’t want to, dishonoring myself. To begin, then when it warms up it’s fine. His clinical approach makes closes me down and makes me think I need to get out of this. He’s quite ignorant, a bit of a narcissist, and seems to have the underlying notion that men are owed sex. His dad was a wife beater and I think that aggressiveness is in him somehow. I won’t take his crap and I do call him out. The other night after we fought about it he went off for a walk in the middle of the night. When I asked him where he went he said joking that he went for a walk instead of going up to kill me. I know he was joking and I don’t think he would have it in him, but to be honest I feel afraid. We have yet to shag before the cloud will lift again. I prob will when the opportunity arises. And it will happen again. I am being manipulated. This is not a healthy situation. I’m not brave enough to leave and break up the fam. The problem is his attitude and expectations that I exist to shag him. That that’s what getting married means. Should have done the pre marriage course with more heart. To be honest, we were not, are not a great match and never will be. Then they say you relive the trauma of childhood …. I don’t think so tho my mum didn’t seem to like my dad much, maybe I have re created an emotionally similar familiar situation. I regret ever meeting him, but think it would have happened with who ever I married. Need to deal with it… I made a big mistake getting married to him. I’d hate if any of my children ended up in a situation like this but they will if I don’t break out of this.

stopbeeping · 24/01/2023 11:47

Been with my husband for ten years
Have had all the usual ebbs and flows in our sex life
I always oblige if my husband wants sex. I always enjoy myself, I feel awkward when it's "initiated" as in we look at each other and say we haven't had sex for a few days we should do that. When I know it's on the cards I am shy and it doesn't feel as amazing
When we are in bed and we are cuddling and it progresses it's always so so so much better-
My husband used to go in a huff and I'm insecure so used to blame myself for that. In the end I just had sex with him when he wanted it, it was a pretty shit time in our marriage, he was absent emotionally but very physically sexually present and it was too much. We were having a very hard time in our marriage, he has since apologised whole heartedly for the impact that had on me. Unless your husband has unhealthy sexual desire / drive (like mine did as I have described) then it's usually easier for everyone to just go with it and avoid the tantrum. Also to say that I found the more sex I have the more cuddles I have and it goes in a cycle. So break the cycle, have sex and cuddle up . You have to condition your husband to knowing that affection and his emotional availability have to come for there to be sex. Have more sex and I bet he will give more cuddles.

stopbeeping · 24/01/2023 11:49

WhatAreYouOnAbout · 24/01/2023 11:37

I think marriage does not suit all people, me included but feel in too deep now with children involved, and he’s not too bad. Asking for sex puts me like right off, even if I did want to but hadn’t got in touch with it right being so busy with other family and work stuff. I push myself to do just to keep the peace and snap him out of the mood that darkens the whole house. Then it happens again. I literally feel like traumatized by this, I’m doing something I don’t want to, dishonoring myself. To begin, then when it warms up it’s fine. His clinical approach makes closes me down and makes me think I need to get out of this. He’s quite ignorant, a bit of a narcissist, and seems to have the underlying notion that men are owed sex. His dad was a wife beater and I think that aggressiveness is in him somehow. I won’t take his crap and I do call him out. The other night after we fought about it he went off for a walk in the middle of the night. When I asked him where he went he said joking that he went for a walk instead of going up to kill me. I know he was joking and I don’t think he would have it in him, but to be honest I feel afraid. We have yet to shag before the cloud will lift again. I prob will when the opportunity arises. And it will happen again. I am being manipulated. This is not a healthy situation. I’m not brave enough to leave and break up the fam. The problem is his attitude and expectations that I exist to shag him. That that’s what getting married means. Should have done the pre marriage course with more heart. To be honest, we were not, are not a great match and never will be. Then they say you relive the trauma of childhood …. I don’t think so tho my mum didn’t seem to like my dad much, maybe I have re created an emotionally similar familiar situation. I regret ever meeting him, but think it would have happened with who ever I married. Need to deal with it… I made a big mistake getting married to him. I’d hate if any of my children ended up in a situation like this but they will if I don’t break out of this.

Such an honest and heart breaking post
I am so so sorry to read this

Sexypyjamas · 24/01/2023 12:00

SomeareDeluded · 24/01/2023 00:33

It is possible to have a relatively silent 'kids are awake' shag.

Sex is supposed to be part of a loving relationship and perhaps if OP initiated some cuddling and kissing DH might reciprocate. Why is it always on the man to take the lead in this area?

No wonder so many posts on here about "my DH spends all his time wanking" or "DH is having an affair."

Show quote history

I know, we have a lock but have to be very quiet and it does ruin the mood. There was a "he wanked in the kitchen" recently (or something along those lines) and shag me or I go for an open marriage. Some men don't go about it the right way, it's like they're ordering a takeaway.

I call DH a sex pest jokingly and he calls me flat mate or sister (we have to use humour). DH can get a bit pissy if he's not had sex with me and as do I. We end up bickering then hugging and saying to each other I think we just need a shag and we both laugh.
It's the kids being awake that's the main issue. We have a lock on our bedroom door.
Downside is our toddler locked himself in our bedroom last night and couldn't open it (it's very low down). I had to pull door tight towards me and not sound too panicked.
The other night I went to pounce on DH and stopped and said no I have to lock it (DH said nah eldest will be asleep it's midnight nearly). I lock it anyway and seconds later (mid foreplay) DD goes to open door, no warning. I can't remember her reasoning for being up so late but we were both a bit confused. It's a bloody minefield.

CallieQ · 24/01/2023 12:44

@Johnduttonsbuttocks
So far I haven't made any men into monsters

Palmfrond · 24/01/2023 13:23

monsteramunch · 24/01/2023 10:55

I don't get how sex is enjoyable when you know the other person isn't into it. If it works for you both then it works for you both, so that's not a value judgement. I just can't imagine shagging someone I know doesn't really want to and isn't really into it.

Show quote history

Well, perhaps one is more into the actual sex than the other, but we are both into as a means of being accommodating to the other. It needn’t have much more meaning or shame or whatever attached to it than giving a foot rub, or one of us taking stuff to the dump on a Sunday morning when we’d rather be reading the paper.

StarlightLady · 24/01/2023 14:36

Someone needs to explain to him:

  1. How a woman works;
  2. There is more to sex than an insertion.
MeanCanadianLady · 24/01/2023 15:13

LoekMa · 24/01/2023 10:15

No. Yours is. But the username checks out

So your comment is really hateful and not helpful at all.

Show quote history

😂😂😂

Aw yes what an intellectual response!

daisyjgrey · 24/01/2023 15:57

Annabananna1 · 23/01/2023 22:27

In my personal situation it's easier just to do it. Otherwise there's some sort of stress / negative energy radiating off H and I'm miserable as a result. The sharp atmosphere can go on for days or until we finally have sex. He doesn't seem to be able to stop it. It's been discussed and argued over many many times. Unfortunately I'm just at the point where laying down for a 10 min shag even though I don't feel like it is just the lesser of two evils.
But I'm very sorry you're also having to contemplate doing this. It isn't nice and it definitely isn't right. Suspect women having been doing this since the dawn of marriage. Unfortunately.

Don't do this. Christ.

ShakespearesBlister · 24/01/2023 16:23

MeanCanadianLady · 24/01/2023 09:31

@LoekMa

Don't be surprised when someone else does.

Wow. Unnecessary! OP is just asking for a little bit of romance and wants to feel loved. I don’t think that is asking for much. I think this is a symptom of a much bigger problem in their marriage and definitely needs to confronted. If OP just ignored it and “shagged” her husband then the symptom would be gone but the problem would remain. So your comment is really hateful and not helpful at all.

Realistic though. Sexless relationships don't tend to last forever. Eventually one partner or the other grows tired of feeling constantly rejected. It's naive to expect that not to lead to them finding someone who will have sex with them. Both parties in a relationship need to be prepared to make an effort. I can't work if it's all one sided.

MeanCanadianLady · 24/01/2023 16:33

ShakespearesBlister · 24/01/2023 16:23

Realistic though. Sexless relationships don't tend to last forever. Eventually one partner or the other grows tired of feeling constantly rejected. It's naive to expect that not to lead to them finding someone who will have sex with them. Both parties in a relationship need to be prepared to make an effort. I can't work if it's all one sided.

Show quote history

I’m not saying to ignore it but coercing OP into unwanted sex is just kind of rapey to me.

She needs to talk it through. I’m really flabbergasted by these replies. Women on mumsnet are usually a lot more sensitive to these issues. Connecting emotionally, verbally and working through the problems and then having sex is best in my personal opinion.

I have never been in a situation where unhappiness was resolving by fucking first and then all my bad emotions just dissolved… I’m starting to suspect that some of these responses are the same account…

pinkyredrose · 24/01/2023 16:39

Annabananna1 · 23/01/2023 22:27

In my personal situation it's easier just to do it. Otherwise there's some sort of stress / negative energy radiating off H and I'm miserable as a result. The sharp atmosphere can go on for days or until we finally have sex. He doesn't seem to be able to stop it. It's been discussed and argued over many many times. Unfortunately I'm just at the point where laying down for a 10 min shag even though I don't feel like it is just the lesser of two evils.
But I'm very sorry you're also having to contemplate doing this. It isn't nice and it definitely isn't right. Suspect women having been doing this since the dawn of marriage. Unfortunately.

You don't have to live like this..

pinkyredrose · 24/01/2023 16:44

SomeareDeluded · 23/01/2023 23:38

Cripes, we complain men don't communicate their needs and when they do, we put them down. OP, why not make a bit of effort to please the poor man, you might actually get in the mood and enjoy it if you took the initiative and stated the kissing and foreplay. Lock your bedroom door if worried about 15year old coming in.

I have no words.

Johnduttonsbuttocks · 24/01/2023 16:51

CallieQ · 24/01/2023 12:44

@Johnduttonsbuttocks
So far I haven't made any men into monsters

The evidence is all over this thread:

it's usually easier for everyone to just go with it and avoid the tantrum.
I push myself to do just to keep the peace and snap him out of the mood that darkens the whole house.

Fucking hell. I feel sorry for you.

ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 24/01/2023 16:53

I would but it would relieve stress for me so it’s slightly selfish.