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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I shag Dh?!

88 replies

Newsheets · 23/01/2023 21:53

Dh and I both stressed due to family stuff.
He looks terrible and stressed and not sleeping. He wants a shag, but it feels like yet another chore to me - there’s no cuddling or affection, we never snuggle up on the sofa for example or give each other a squeeze. I find this difficult as I love hugs and affection and snuggling. We’ve had another day of emotions and it’s exhausting.
he wants to just have a shag and when I explained I’m embarrassed, son 15 is still awake and actually I’m just not able to be sexy on demand, he gets all oh I’ll just go to bed then. It feels wierd somehow. Aibu?!

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 24/01/2023 00:38

@SomeareDeluded

Men are perfectly able to leave a relationship rather than have an affair or coerce women into sex they don't want by sulking.

Mari9999 · 24/01/2023 00:44

OP, you say "we never snuggle up on the sofa or give each other a squeeze." That sounds as though you want these things but you are unwilling to initiate these things.
If these are things that you won't initiate, why then be angry or annoyed with him for not doing them?

From your description, your relationship sounds stressful and tension filled. Nothing about that seems to suggest that anyone would want a cuddle on the sofa.

He may be thinking that sex might relieve some of the tension, but nothing about your current situation is screaming romance. Maybe the romance will return when there is less tension in the household.

altmember · 24/01/2023 00:49

there’s no cuddling or affection, we never snuggle up on the sofa for example or give each other a squeeze.

So you're complicit in this lack of physical intimacy/affection? Why do you not 'give him a squeeze' either? Maybe (hopefully) he'd respond, and he'd figure out this is the basic sort of stuff that gets your partner in the mood. As a grown adult he should understand this stuff already too, but it sounds like you're equally as cold with him. Seems like a bit of a Mexican standoff, where neither of you actually wants to make the first move and show some affection.

Why don't you sit down next to him on the sofa a snuggle up to him? Or are you saying he recoils and runs away when you try that?

Tescoland · 24/01/2023 00:52

altmember · 24/01/2023 00:49

there’s no cuddling or affection, we never snuggle up on the sofa for example or give each other a squeeze.

So you're complicit in this lack of physical intimacy/affection? Why do you not 'give him a squeeze' either? Maybe (hopefully) he'd respond, and he'd figure out this is the basic sort of stuff that gets your partner in the mood. As a grown adult he should understand this stuff already too, but it sounds like you're equally as cold with him. Seems like a bit of a Mexican standoff, where neither of you actually wants to make the first move and show some affection.

Why don't you sit down next to him on the sofa a snuggle up to him? Or are you saying he recoils and runs away when you try that?

Mexican standoff 😆

CallieQ · 24/01/2023 00:56

Yes! Good stress relief

CallieQ · 24/01/2023 00:57

nc1013 · 23/01/2023 21:59

I've read a few posts recently where DPs have "asked for sex"

This concept baffles me but maybe it's just me. With my DP, exH (and other exPs) sex always started with affection/a kiss/ a squeeze and would sometimes progress and sometimes wouldn't.

One of us would be affectionate to the other and depending on the response would depend on whether we ended up shagging. It was quite a natural progression. The thought of someone asking me for sex gives me the absolute ick

Well you'd soon be complaining if he did it without asking

CallieQ · 24/01/2023 00:59

SomeareDeluded · 23/01/2023 23:38

Cripes, we complain men don't communicate their needs and when they do, we put them down. OP, why not make a bit of effort to please the poor man, you might actually get in the mood and enjoy it if you took the initiative and stated the kissing and foreplay. Lock your bedroom door if worried about 15year old coming in.

Agree!

321user123 · 24/01/2023 01:07

Why would one should resort to wanking if you’ve got a perfectly capable partner right next to you?

I find this attitude (of both sexes) towards sex as a chore very weird. Sure, sometimes I get it.
Am I always in the mood? Hell no. Is my husband always in the mood? Hell No!

But whenever one is in the mood we let the other know and as usually (peculiar circumstances aside, like tiredness, feeling unwell etc) we get on with it and to be honest we both end up liking it and feeling much closer afterwards too.

I’d feel pretty shit if my husband resorted to wanking when I’m right here as I like sex too.

(In case you’re thinking yh, like he doesn’t do it anyways.. No, he doesn’t and neither do I due to strong personal beliefs.)

FellOnMyArseToDay · 24/01/2023 02:03

Can’t he just go off and have a wank to himself? Blunt but solo play is great for relieving stress and helping yourself to a nice sleep.

Everyonehasavoice · 24/01/2023 02:07

321user123 · 23/01/2023 22:23

Mmmhm I think he wants to blow off some steam and he needs your help to do it.
I’d just do it for him as a one off.
Later or tomorrow or whatever ask for the “one off” in reverse to meet your needs.
It’s a 2 way street.

I agree
Its not a big deal
Do it his way now, do it your way another time

Kinel · 24/01/2023 02:12

I prefer a cheese sandwich these days

Everyonehasavoice · 24/01/2023 02:16

Kinel · 24/01/2023 02:12

I prefer a cheese sandwich these days

🤣🤣🤣🤣

HoppingPavlova · 24/01/2023 02:27

Yeah, with a 15yo in the house, AND awake at that, nope, nope, nope.

FullThrottleCock · 24/01/2023 02:50

nc1013 · 23/01/2023 21:59

I've read a few posts recently where DPs have "asked for sex"

This concept baffles me but maybe it's just me. With my DP, exH (and other exPs) sex always started with affection/a kiss/ a squeeze and would sometimes progress and sometimes wouldn't.

One of us would be affectionate to the other and depending on the response would depend on whether we ended up shagging. It was quite a natural progression. The thought of someone asking me for sex gives me the absolute ick

Well when you’ve been sexually assaulted multiple times and then victim blamed and told you “must have led them on!” being asked is a lot more sexy then the guys that just assume you want sex and just DO THINGS that you don’t want.

Johnduttonsbuttocks · 24/01/2023 04:56

So much of this is shocking. Intimacy requires effort and the bottom line is these men cannot be bothered to do it - lazy fuckers.

And so many of you put up with it because you just don't value yourselves.

Johnduttonsbuttocks · 24/01/2023 04:58

CallieQ · 24/01/2023 00:59

Agree!

Show quote history

This is how women make men into monsters.

Headoutofplace · 24/01/2023 05:25

HoppingPavlova · 24/01/2023 02:27

Yeah, with a 15yo in the house, AND awake at that, nope, nope, nope.

The OP DH is being unreasonable in sulking and not considering the OPs feelings but I don't get the above? How do you have sex life then when your child grows up - only when they're out of the house or when you think they're asleep? My late teenager is a night owl and her bedroom is right next door, how is having quiet sex in our own bedroom a bad thing compared to waiting until she moves out or only in the very early hours when she's definitely asleep.

Original poster
Newsheets · 24/01/2023 05:26

Ha I can initiate cuddling and it’s like cuddling a brick wall . Or he reache straight for my bosoms. He doesn’t seem to do affectionate hugs.

OP posts:
Dibbydoos · 24/01/2023 05:36

Your relationship has ended up here, it's highly unlikely it started here, so sort it out.

Find 1 hour to brush yourselves up (max 30 mins) and sit together and hug and chat. This may help get into the mood. I appreciate your lives are busy, but you need to spend time together as a couple or your marriage will break down, so prioritise it.

TaraRhu · 24/01/2023 07:57

I get you. My husband literally hangs around like a bad smell when he wants it. I we have two young kids and The last thing I want after they are in bed is have to tend to him as well. It just feels like another chore. Sometimes I avoid him by falling asleep at the same time as my son.

He does his share in the house and it's not a case of me being over worked or under appreciated. I just don't want sex at this particular time much. I can manage once a week. Whenever we have a day off with no kids he says 'we could shag' all day. I can't think of anything worse. I just want to sleep and maybe do some exercise. I just feel under pressure to have sex and I don't like it. Plus every little cuddle leads him to want sex. I would like to snuggle etc without the pressure of sex following. It might but not if I know it's coming.

I feel sorry that I don't want it, but at the same time I wish he would just leave me be!

SomeareDeluded · 24/01/2023 08:44

TaraRhu · 24/01/2023 07:57

I get you. My husband literally hangs around like a bad smell when he wants it. I we have two young kids and The last thing I want after they are in bed is have to tend to him as well. It just feels like another chore. Sometimes I avoid him by falling asleep at the same time as my son.

He does his share in the house and it's not a case of me being over worked or under appreciated. I just don't want sex at this particular time much. I can manage once a week. Whenever we have a day off with no kids he says 'we could shag' all day. I can't think of anything worse. I just want to sleep and maybe do some exercise. I just feel under pressure to have sex and I don't like it. Plus every little cuddle leads him to want sex. I would like to snuggle etc without the pressure of sex following. It might but not if I know it's coming.

I feel sorry that I don't want it, but at the same time I wish he would just leave me be!

If your priorities are elsewhere, perhaps be fair to your OH and suggest an open marriage or LTB. Why is it only woman should expect to have their needs met as and when it suits them?Marriage is a partnership, give and take - it requires effort, day in and out and that includes 'making love' - showing your love through the act of sex.If you cannot prioritise your husband occasionally, then really what is the point?

pococurante · 24/01/2023 08:57

Women do not exist to give men sex. Some of the responses on here show clearly why men treat women so badly.

MeanCanadianLady · 24/01/2023 09:12

Have you had a proper sit down with him and told him that you feel this way?

TaraRhu · 24/01/2023 09:15

@SomeareDeluded

I actually do make the effort. If you read my post you'd see that I feel sad that I'm not in the mood and that I do have sex with my husband. I'm all aware of his needs. But I have my needs too.

I think what annoys me is that I can just have a cuddle or snuggle without being presented with his penis five minutes later. I nice hug ir something that might relax me and actually put me in the mood. Or a night out where there's not this expectation that when I get home I will shag him. I think I need some actual attention and bonding not just sex. I'm not an object.

Watchkeys · 24/01/2023 09:16

@321user123

Why would one should resort to wanking if you’ve got a perfectly capable partner right next to you

Because sex is about desire, not capability.
What do you mean by 'capability'? 'Has a vagina that a penis will go into'?