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Original poster

DH having a midlife crisis - help!

99 replies

paulinesmithson · 21/01/2023 20:46

Recently DH has been listening to a lot of music from our teenage years, dressing how he did when we were a lot younger etc. At first I thought it was great that he was feeling nostalgic and it made me remember a lot of moments and songs from my youth I'd have forgotten about otherwise.
However, in the past few weeks he's been dying his hair darker and going out with his friends most evenings and returning quite late smelling a bit like alcohol/cigarettes. AIBU to think that he is now trying to 'become' young again by forgetting his responsibilities and living more recklessley, or should I be supportive that he wants a moment to relive his past for a bit? I'm really worried that he won't recover, any advice from other people who have experienced anything similar?

OP posts:
Greyhave · 21/01/2023 20:47

I think the best thing is to talk to him about it.

Gagagardener · 21/01/2023 20:53

How old is he/are you? Might he have met someone he knew when he was a teen - an old flame, perhaps, and be wishing he could turn the clock back? I think I'd try to start a chat with him about the hair dying; that's surely odd enough to justify a discussion.

5128gap · 21/01/2023 21:00

Are all his friends having MLC too? Seems odd that everyone is suddenly available 'most' nights. Do you know for certain that's where he is?

Original poster
paulinesmithson · 21/01/2023 21:21

Gagagardener · 21/01/2023 20:53

How old is he/are you? Might he have met someone he knew when he was a teen - an old flame, perhaps, and be wishing he could turn the clock back? I think I'd try to start a chat with him about the hair dying; that's surely odd enough to justify a discussion.

He is 41 and I'm honestly scared that he is not coping well with aging and grey hairs, I'll definitely raise this with him

OP posts:
Original poster
paulinesmithson · 21/01/2023 21:23

5128gap · 21/01/2023 21:00

Are all his friends having MLC too? Seems odd that everyone is suddenly available 'most' nights. Do you know for certain that's where he is?

He often meets up with a few of his friends depending on who is free that day. Itseems like he's trying to meet up with whoever he can for the sake of going out instead of the person

OP posts:
firstmummy2019 · 21/01/2023 21:25

Sounds like there could be another woman.

Titsywoo · 21/01/2023 21:28

Does it really matter? Unless you think he is doing something bad I mean. Dyeing his hair is no biggy surely and going out with friends unless it is affecting your life seems ok? We all have a bit of a crisis at some point in midlife - everyone reacts differently.

HamBone · 21/01/2023 21:30

He might be struggling with entering his 40’s, it can be a shock to realize that you’re officially middle-aged.

Both my DH (50) and I (48) have found that doing new things is the way forward, can you suggest a few days out, for example? I took up a new sport at 41 and got really into it; DH has also developed new hobbies.

Nostalgia isn’t going to work, he’ll just feel old, tbh.

AllOfThemWitches · 21/01/2023 21:30

That sounds embarrassing for him.

buildingourdreams · 21/01/2023 21:39

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5128gap · 21/01/2023 22:00

Does his behaviour impact you, for example, do you mind he's out all the time? Is he leaving you with more than your share of childcare or domestics? Is he reducing the things you would do as a couple to go out? If so, and its an issue, you should raise it. Going out every night as new behaviour is quite extreme and I'd feel entitled to ask what was behind it.
Best case scenario he is feeling like he wants a last hoorah (I did in my 30s. And again at 50!) and it will burn itself out in time.
But, in the meantime, there needs to be a balance between indulging his nostalgia and meeting the responsibilities of the present.

dreamingbohemian · 21/01/2023 22:03

What do you mean by ',forgetting his responsibilities'? Is it actually imposing on you?

HamBone · 21/01/2023 22:04

But, in the meantime, there needs to be a balance between indulging his nostalgia and meeting the responsibilities of the present.

Yes, @5128gap, plus having fun in the present! I’ve actually enjoyed my 40’s and don’t tend to look back much. Friends in their 50’s are contours Ing to have a great time, despite the grey temples!

HamBone · 21/01/2023 22:05

*continuing.

Pseudonamed · 21/01/2023 22:18

I actually completely hear him. Me and my other half often have nostalgia nights. We would love to be back in the 90's and my OH was in a band back then too so he did all touring and gigging and life before kids and a mortgage was just more exciting. None of our friends have the same nostalgia though so me and he do the nights just us when teens are out of the house. It is lovely to remember being young even if we run the risk of pulling out a hip in the process. I do get where yur OH is coming from but going out with pals instead of sharing this with you would not be a nice thing from my end. Sit down with him and try understand it a bit more and maybe enjoy it together?

Foldingchair · 21/01/2023 22:46

Dh is 50 and turned into a miserable twat none of us can bear to be around. I would rather be was having your dh's midlife crisis. Although tbh, your dh just sounds like he's in his 40s.

Original poster
paulinesmithson · 21/01/2023 23:25

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That's not very nice.

OP posts:
Thistlelass · 22/01/2023 05:30

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That's really rude and unhelpful.
I think I would talk to him, yes, but in a supportive way. Maybe you could suggest some time out together and not just to go drinking. I might have some concerns he may meet someone else the way he us acting.

buildingourdreams · 22/01/2023 07:19

It might not be very nice of me to say it but it's true. 40somethings trying to reclaim their youth and act young and trendy is absolutely cringe.

I'm 26 and when I see people out acting like this I feel so bad for them. Btw its often men like this who hit on people my age. And younger.

heldinadream · 22/01/2023 07:26

buildingourdreams · 22/01/2023 07:19

It might not be very nice of me to say it but it's true. 40somethings trying to reclaim their youth and act young and trendy is absolutely cringe.

I'm 26 and when I see people out acting like this I feel so bad for them. Btw its often men like this who hit on people my age. And younger.

Ha ha ha - you're too young to understand anything!

See how it works?
In five minutes you'll be forty-something yourself. Bear it in mind.

Original poster
paulinesmithson · 22/01/2023 07:27

buildingourdreams · 22/01/2023 07:19

It might not be very nice of me to say it but it's true. 40somethings trying to reclaim their youth and act young and trendy is absolutely cringe.

I'm 26 and when I see people out acting like this I feel so bad for them. Btw its often men like this who hit on people my age. And younger.

Only 26 and calling my DH a sad fuck? That'll be you in 20 years time

OP posts:
something2say · 22/01/2023 07:27

I'm 48 and still out all the time!

I'm with those who say, live it with him. This summer for example, I'm going to have the time of my life, because the summer after that I'll be 50. I really get that times are changing for me. I didn't use to have such a sense of it.

Btw for the 26 year old who thinks 40 somethings going out are cringe: life needn't stop at 40, 50 or 60. You just reveal your inexperience there. Never stop having fun. I'd be sacking off dinner and boring tv in favour of losing weight, new clothes, more perimenopause sex and playing old vinyl.

something2say · 22/01/2023 07:29

Sorry, to clarify, doing all that with my husband (if I had one!) and dancing together, then having sex on the floor.

GoodChat · 22/01/2023 07:32

buildingourdreams · 22/01/2023 07:19

It might not be very nice of me to say it but it's true. 40somethings trying to reclaim their youth and act young and trendy is absolutely cringe.

I'm 26 and when I see people out acting like this I feel so bad for them. Btw its often men like this who hit on people my age. And younger.

It's time to grow up. I'm your age and have a completely different outlook to you on this. Being over 40 doesn't mean you suddenly have to stop enjoying yourself. Maybe he's actually just found a bit of self confidence he lost for a while, or is feeling like he lost his identity when he settled down.

OP has he checked out of family life? Does he communicate with you? Does he work and is he still committed to that as he was before?

TrollMunter · 22/01/2023 07:33

buildingourdreams · 22/01/2023 07:19

It might not be very nice of me to say it but it's true. 40somethings trying to reclaim their youth and act young and trendy is absolutely cringe.

I'm 26 and when I see people out acting like this I feel so bad for them. Btw its often men like this who hit on people my age. And younger.

By the way, the 18y/os are already laughing at you thinking you’re a sad fuck for being out and having fun 🤷‍♀️. Just a pity you’re not experienced enough to realise that yet.