DH having a midlife crisis - help!

[paulinesmithson]

Recently DH has been listening to a lot of music from our teenage years, dressing how he did when we were a lot younger etc. At first I thought it was great that he was feeling nostalgic and it made me remember a lot of moments and songs from my youth I'd have forgotten about otherwise.
However, in the past few weeks he's been dying his hair darker and going out with his friends most evenings and returning quite late smelling a bit like alcohol/cigarettes. AIBU to think that he is now trying to 'become' young again by forgetting his responsibilities and living more recklessley, or should I be supportive that he wants a moment to relive his past for a bit? I'm really worried that he won't recover, any advice from other people who have experienced anything similar?

I've just booked tickets for me and DD (aged 21) to go to a gig in the summer where I will almost certainly be the oldest person there at 52, but guess what - I don't give a damn what anyone thinks about "suitable" or "appropriate", one of the biggest benefits of being middle-aged and menopausal is the lack of fucks to give

Good for you! I go with my adult DC too. The idea I'd miss out on doing something with them with that we all love, because the odd 20 something stranger thinks they've a right to decide what I should be up to in my 50s is ridiculous.

MrsPeas "But I do know what people mean by acting like a 20year old. I usually see women do this rather than men and its not a great look but each to their own"

can you help explain it, Mrs Peas?

I'm also here waiting to be told what behaviour I should be displaying to be "appropriate" at 55.

For me that means still keeping up with your responsibilities (with your dcs, family, work etc…) vs living as if you were 25yo, single, no responsibilities towards anyone but yourself.
That means not trying to act as if you were 25yo and hit on a25yo when you are 45 or 55yo (that would be creepy right?)
That means acting with the maturity of a 55yo rather than the one if 25yo.

It has nothing to do with hair colour, going out, trying new things, starting studying or whatever else. Even though a few middle age men tend to start with the hair colour, clothes etc… to then stop taking responsibility fir anything (like a ‘free’ 25yo).

Saying that a 25yo and a45yo behave in the same is 😵‍💫😵‍💫

"That means acting with the maturity of a 55yo rather than the one if 25yo."

just musing....I was probably more "mature" at 25 than now, at 46. My flat was perfectly tidy. I was very careful with my appearance. I ironed things and polished my shoes. I worked extremely long hours, constantly fretted over bills, my career, my future, even the future of the world.

now I am not tidy, though I'd like to change back. I'm glad the days of long hours - and night time and weekend study for my professional exams - and general panic about bills and career, is largely over. I ignore the state of the world when I can.

Appearance - luckily there's more acceptance of wearing trainers and comfy clothes than before.

I did fit nightclubbing into those days - priorities! - but they were still pretty hard days.

things are much easier now. The elderly parent problem isn't fun, but put that aside, it's a nicer life.

of course, being single and childfree is probably unacceptable to some of the age-bound posters.

Statistically, the responsibility of paying rent on a 25 year old wage is still a responsibility most 25 year olds have, isn't it?

Also - I keep discovering TV shows that were on from about 2000 - 2010, saying "why have I never heard of this". I think the answer is, when you're building a financial base, there's really not much TV time going spare, so I never knew of them.

when I went to a pub or club, I was just me, I think a lot of people are. No thinking about acting 25 or 55 or anything inbetween.

Lol

I just mean not trying to act 25. That's all.

I appear to really have touched some nerves here 😬

It’s more that you seem to have hilariously prescriptive ideas about what people are ‘supposed’ to do at any particular age. Honestly, isn’t being that clenched a bit exhausting?

Interesting thread

I guess we are now living in a time where the elderly were once teenagers in the sense that we view teenagers in modern society.

My father in law is a little like this in that he still identifies with the Beatles , Stones etc. and is easily transported by their music into his 'golden era'. Thing is Paul McCartney and the Stones themselves are elderly and yet wish to perceive themselves as still relevant. Elderly rockers are the prime example of people not wishing to give up their youth and when you see dyed hair oldies speaking as if it's still the 60s , yes it's a bit sad IMO.

There is a huge market for the 'grey' gig goer (as they have the money). Events like Glastonbury seem to attract the middle aged reliving their youth at relative expense and I feel sorry they are actually edging youth out through ticket price increases.

Personally I feel we have lost the art of growing old gracefully and we wish perpetual youth which is not going to happen

building "I just mean not trying to act 25. That's all."
but what is "acting 25"? You seem to be the only one who knows the answer.

"mids" "Personally I feel we have lost the art of growing old gracefully"

Also curious about this.

No, he works in finance. Although a lot of the people in that trade act like kids

Well taking more care over his appearance and going out a lot sounds like he has had his head turned. When I first saw the thread title I was expecting the DH to be late 50s not early 40s. If your happy being left alone most nights whilst your husband heads out and put it down as a MLC then fair enough. Personally I think you may want to be asking him what the hell is going on

People in their 40’s like me can obviously do what they want, go out, go to gigs, etc., but ultimately we may as well accept that 25-year-olds will see us as middle aged. Of course friendships can span decades-one of my bff’s is 12 years older than me and it doesn’t matter at all.

But at 48, I accept that I could be a 25-year-old’s Mum and I don’t try to be “one of them,” because I’m a different generation. No point pretending otherwise, my birth certificate (and the mirror) confirm it. 😂

I no longer have nerves to be touched. That was the point of my post.

I (and others) are eager right know what is “appropriate”. And what is “cringe”. I need some concrete examples so I know what to do. And what not to do. To cause you discomfort.

I feel about 27 (I'm 55)have recently chopped off my lovely hair and now sport the identical crop I had at 20. My kids (13, 15, 17 & 19) love my music-a house of the Cure, Kings of Leon, Texas, Van Morrison and The Wanted fans (not my husband, though-he's fossilised at the Jethro Tull and ACDC reminiscence stage!!) I absolutely agree that a lot of middle-aged MNs are reacting badly to the pithy comments made about middle-aged men's behaviour. I despised leery goaty-lust 40 year olds when I was 18-and still do, now 😎
But clenched? I'll have to ponder that one 👀😂😂

I think it involves compulsory blue rinses for both sexes at 45. And an ankle bracelet that sets off an alarm if they try to get into the Glastonbury site. Or indeed any gigs by anyone other than Tom Jones.

Surely it's more that teens and those in early 20s are trying to be like people in their 40s?
They wear the clothes we wore.
They listen to our music.

And I agree with a pp: at 18, I thought women in their mid-late 20s coming to 'my' club were ridiculously old and should be doing other things. Knitting or something. I definitely felt I sound be acting a certain way in my early thirties, but then I hit 40 and thought bollocks to it all.

I'm in my early 50s and think now that it's very easy to always feel 'young' as you can keep up with everything via Instagram, TikTok, Guardian cultural newsletters subscriptions etc, which constantly drip feed you with what is relevant right now.

I just don't feel the need to actually revisit the past though - I very much want to be in the present. The past is the past - it's just a nice memory to me.

Hi. I hope things have become better since you first posted.

I just wanted to say that mid life crisis is a very real occurrence for both men and women and that some men are subject to extreme hormonal changes at this time that mirror menopausal changes in women. These hormonal changes can cause very unusual behaviour and can lead to devastating effects for your family.

The key thing from your post is that he is doing all of these things without you. That's a red flag. Other things to look out for are:
Dressing like a teenager (which you already mentioned)
Depression / moodiness
Anger and resentment directed towards you and the children
Being attached to his phone 24/7
Having a full blown affair

There are lots of sites where you can read up on this type of thing.

My advice is to talk to him about it as openly as you can. Ask him outright if he is happy in the marriage. If there is anything he feels is missing. If he is not too far gone he might be willing to talk it through with you but be prepared that a lot of men will never admit that anything is wrong and might well go ballistic if you try and force them. Hopefully this is a mild thing that blows over but if I were you I would ensure you have some money in the bank that he cannot access and that you are prepared mentally for what might happen in the worst case scenario. Best of luck to you and your family and please remember to listen to your instinct.

I'm 54 and to my husband I guess it would seem that I'm doing the same as your husband.

But I'm just suddenly really conscious of how short life is, and I really feel the need to socialise, have fun, see live music, all the things I love doing.

It's hard as so many my age are content to sit on the sofa watching the TV. Which is fine for them but I guess I am raging against the dying of the light.

See how it works?
In five minutes you'll be forty-something yourself. Bear it in mind

So true!

I appear to really have touched some nerves here

People always fall back on this when they're being an arsehole 😁

Mid life crisis just means you've realised how short life is and how out of touch you've become with things you enjoy.

I'm 50, off to a gig next weekend where most of the people will be early 20s, but I love dance music so sod it. If they look surprised we are there, that's their narrow mindedness.