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Original poster

DH having a midlife crisis - help!

99 replies

paulinesmithson · 21/01/2023 20:46

Recently DH has been listening to a lot of music from our teenage years, dressing how he did when we were a lot younger etc. At first I thought it was great that he was feeling nostalgic and it made me remember a lot of moments and songs from my youth I'd have forgotten about otherwise.
However, in the past few weeks he's been dying his hair darker and going out with his friends most evenings and returning quite late smelling a bit like alcohol/cigarettes. AIBU to think that he is now trying to 'become' young again by forgetting his responsibilities and living more recklessley, or should I be supportive that he wants a moment to relive his past for a bit? I'm really worried that he won't recover, any advice from other people who have experienced anything similar?

OP posts:
rwalker · 22/01/2023 07:35

So he’s got rid of the grey and been out with his friends

what’s the problem

Woeman · 22/01/2023 07:39

I think the point is the nostalgia and the looking back. You can't go back. It's one thing to be starting a new life, going out etc., but the trying to go back to your old life means you are not happy now. I've tried to be the 'old me', and I've realised she doesn't exist anymore, I need to be the present me or the new me.

I couldn't be arsed with dh being like this, it would do my head in. We ditched the constant boozy nights and fags cos of kids, weight gain and blood pressure 😂.

I'd just have a gentle chat to start with. Perhaps he'll come to his own realisation shortly, but if he's dropping you in it with kids, house etc., that needs addressing.

LiteralSycamore · 22/01/2023 07:41

5128gap · 21/01/2023 22:00

Does his behaviour impact you, for example, do you mind he's out all the time? Is he leaving you with more than your share of childcare or domestics? Is he reducing the things you would do as a couple to go out? If so, and its an issue, you should raise it. Going out every night as new behaviour is quite extreme and I'd feel entitled to ask what was behind it.
Best case scenario he is feeling like he wants a last hoorah (I did in my 30s. And again at 50!) and it will burn itself out in time.
But, in the meantime, there needs to be a balance between indulging his nostalgia and meeting the responsibilities of the present.

This is a rational and kind post. Do this, OP.

Delorestormborn · 22/01/2023 07:48

Men are so exhausting.
Can you just ignore it until he gets it out of his system? Or you take the equal amount of time and leave him with all the responsibilities?
Alternatively could you get wasted on snakebite and come home legless declaring you didn't ask to be born?

Snarf23 · 22/01/2023 07:49

it may be just a blip but every night seems excessive. Does it affect life at home, family, small kids bedtime or taking older kids places they need to go? Spending money you don’t have or not doing his share around the house on so on.

Some people find it hard to be getting older, I definitely in my near mid forties see the changes happening now and it’s strange sometimes . Maybe can you have a chat about it?

Snarf23 · 22/01/2023 07:50

He is going out most nights, I’m fine with my partner going out but every night/most nights is a tad excessive no?

buildingourdreams · 22/01/2023 08:02

@paulinesmithson

It definitely won't be me in 20 years. Yeah I'll hopefully still have fun and go out etc but I'm not going to be trying to look and act 25. 😬

That is the part I find sad. Not the going out etc I never said 40+ can't do that. But be age appropriate

Intrepidescape · 22/01/2023 08:19

What a loser. He’s regressing. Is he wearing shell necklaces and ripped jeans?

Joey69 · 22/01/2023 08:24

5128gap · 21/01/2023 22:00

Does his behaviour impact you, for example, do you mind he's out all the time? Is he leaving you with more than your share of childcare or domestics? Is he reducing the things you would do as a couple to go out? If so, and its an issue, you should raise it. Going out every night as new behaviour is quite extreme and I'd feel entitled to ask what was behind it.
Best case scenario he is feeling like he wants a last hoorah (I did in my 30s. And again at 50!) and it will burn itself out in time.
But, in the meantime, there needs to be a balance between indulging his nostalgia and meeting the responsibilities of the present.

This seems to be a the most balanced response, if it’s not harming you or your relationship, why does it matter ?

Madmax1992 · 22/01/2023 08:38

buildingourdreams · 22/01/2023 08:02

@paulinesmithson

It definitely won't be me in 20 years. Yeah I'll hopefully still have fun and go out etc but I'm not going to be trying to look and act 25. 😬

That is the part I find sad. Not the going out etc I never said 40+ can't do that. But be age appropriate

And thats fair enough, bit of a shitty comment to call someone a sad fuck though.

JimDixon · 22/01/2023 08:39

Has he started drinking snakebite and black again, and listening to The Cure?

Or listening to old school rave and jungle?

Both quite common among 40-something men.

The alternative is that he buys a Peloton and cycles Tour de France stages before breakfast. And/or starts training for a marathon.

It’s all good!

Tekkentime · 22/01/2023 08:43

It is sad, it's very sad. I say this as an oldie and will say that not everyone has to turn to their teen music, trying to look young, drinking etc.

My DH and I decided to start a new business and really put so much effort into our children and family (paid off massively!)

It's much better to do something actually useful when midlife hits, you don't have to do something that's bad for you.

ManyNameChanges · 22/01/2023 09:16

buildingourdreams · 22/01/2023 08:02

@paulinesmithson

It definitely won't be me in 20 years. Yeah I'll hopefully still have fun and go out etc but I'm not going to be trying to look and act 25. 😬

That is the part I find sad. Not the going out etc I never said 40+ can't do that. But be age appropriate

Fwiw I agree with you @buildingourdreams

Going out when you are 40yo (or 50, 60 etc…) is one thing. Acting as of you were in your 20s, hinting at 20 yo women etc… is very different. I mean I very doubt many MNters would agree that a 45yo man biting at a 25yo is ok….

It was very clear in your post.

Having said that, there is nothing in the OP that says this is the way her DH is behaving. Dying your hair, going out more or listening to music from the 80s, none of that is shouting ‘I am going to behave as if I was 25yo again’.

5128gap · 22/01/2023 09:24

Tekkentime · 22/01/2023 08:43

It is sad, it's very sad. I say this as an oldie and will say that not everyone has to turn to their teen music, trying to look young, drinking etc.

My DH and I decided to start a new business and really put so much effort into our children and family (paid off massively!)

It's much better to do something actually useful when midlife hits, you don't have to do something that's bad for you.

You can be useful and have fun as well. We don't all tidy ourselves into a box marked 'Hard work, meals out and NT properties only' at 35.
For a lot of us 'oldies' the music and culture of our youth was amazing. You only have to see have many young people are bypassing the contemporary in favour of bands from the past to see that. My DSs know every Smiths lyric and are huge Bowie fans. Would it be better if OPs husband became a Stormzy fan and got down with the kids? Or is all pop culture inappropriate at his age?
Like I said, there does need to be balance. Forgoing the present to live in the past isn't healthy or fair on those around you, and out every night seems excessive. But there's no reason to completely close the door on harmless activities that bring us joy.

ManyNameChanges · 22/01/2023 09:26

@paulinesmithson one thing that struck me in your OP is
AIBU to think that he is now trying to 'become' young again by forgetting his responsibilities and living more recklessly

Now THAT would be an issue to me and I can see why you would be worried about that. Whether you talk about it with him, find solutions together (like doing new things) etc… will depend a lot on the type of relationship you have and whether your DH is open to those conversations or not.

However, I would not be facilitating him going out. By that, I mean taking on HIS responsibilities in the family whilst he recovers from his night out. (Whatever that is - taking dc to football early in Sunday am, cleaning the house, going out as a family etc etc)
I would also make a point of saying something along the lines ‘oh you’re going out. Great have a nice time but don’t forget tomorrow morning you are <insert activity>’. Same with the ‘im feeling tired today’ after going out 2 or 3 times in the week.
And I’d keep an eye for being taken for granted - as in him assuming he can automatically go out and you’ll always be there to pick up the slack/look after the dcs etc… A reminder that this is not a given is essential too Imo.

buildingourdreams · 22/01/2023 09:56

@ManyNameChanges Thank you I'm glad you see where I'm coming from

I just think it is sad fuck behaviour and I feel for op (I would also be worried in case there was an ow around)

I make no apology for that

EmmaEmerald · 22/01/2023 09:58

rwalker · 22/01/2023 07:35

So he’s got rid of the grey and been out with his friends

what’s the problem

my thoughts exactly
according to some posters, I must be a horribly sad woman if I decide to dye my greys and go out more?

OP is it affecting you in terms of him not being around to do stuff?

HelloBunny · 22/01/2023 10:02

A lot of guys become boring golf dads at 40. Maybe he’s seeing this with his peers & is scared it’s going to happen to him!

At the same age. I found it hard to bin my mini skirts / part with some my youthful wardrobe. It’s a bit of a shift into a new era...

Galadriel90 · 22/01/2023 10:10

I don't see the problem. I'm the same age as your husband roughly and most people I know listen to some music from their youth. All the women I know (and some men!) dye their hair. Your husband seems to have a case of fairly harmless nostalgia.

Nothing 'sad' about it.

Galadriel90 · 22/01/2023 10:13

@buildingourdreams with the best will in the world you have no idea how you'll feel in your 40s. Ageing is a weird and tricky thing to navigate. Calling people you don't know 'sad fucks' is low behaviour though.

EmmaEmerald · 22/01/2023 10:13

OP also says she's worried he won't "recover".

Bizarre. I'm 46, how should I behave?

this thread 🤷🏻‍♀️

Galadriel90 · 22/01/2023 10:21

@EmmaEmerald in an 'age appropriate way' according to this thread! What is that?! Not twinset and pearls territory quite yet!!

Anotheanon · 22/01/2023 10:26

buildingourdreams · 22/01/2023 08:02

@paulinesmithson

It definitely won't be me in 20 years. Yeah I'll hopefully still have fun and go out etc but I'm not going to be trying to look and act 25. 😬

That is the part I find sad. Not the going out etc I never said 40+ can't do that. But be age appropriate

Could you explain exactly what you mean by age appropriate?

Riverlee · 22/01/2023 10:30

I’ve been in mumsnet to long, as my first thought was that his head has been turned by another woman, hence the change in his looks and habits.

Beamur · 22/01/2023 10:31

TrollMunter · 22/01/2023 07:33

By the way, the 18y/os are already laughing at you thinking you’re a sad fuck for being out and having fun 🤷‍♀️. Just a pity you’re not experienced enough to realise that yet.

Show quote history

Had to laugh at this.
My DD used to think her older brother was the definition of cool and edgy.
He's 28 now and she thinks he's turning into their Dad. She's 15.