Is this a red flag?

[CupofTeaandSliceofChocolateCake]

Hi,

I’ve been chatting to a man who I met on Bumble for a few weeks now. He wants to meet next week. He is divorced (I’m almost at the end of my divorce) and he said his wife had an affair and left him because he was working long hours. She is now living with the OM (marriage planned) with her (and Bumble man’s) 14 year old daughter.

I have to admit that I’m not feeling any vibes from this man but would meet up with him for a cuppa or something just to see if he’d be better in real life.

It turns out he has a full-time role in the public sector which he says is underpaid and he gets £1700 a month take home pay. His mortgage is £750 and he pays £250 a month for child support. He doesn’t see his daughter as she wants to stay in the town where she lives and go shopping/do girlie things plus he works a lot.

He has another two jobs on top of his full time role. He said he works 80 hours a week! Keeps saying he needs the money.

I am in a well paid job.

He reckons he can retire from his main role next year and get a lump sum to pay the mortgage off and the child support payments will stop in 3 years. I don’t have a problem with him supporting his daughter. He should. I’m more concerned that he doesn’t make the effort to see her and then complains about another man bringing her up.

I actually said to him that I could see his ex-wife’s point of view with regards him ‘working all the time’.

I don’t think I’m that interested in him anyway but would this put you off?

The red flag for me here is that he’s discussed all his financial details with you before you’ve even met! 🚩

Yes hugely and not just the fact he basically can’t be bothered to see his daughter as that’s what his excuses are. Or in actual fact there is a much darker reason and perhaps he isn’t allowed to. Have you considered/checked that?

his daughter aside the working 80 and constant moaning about money at this early stage would put me off

If you’re seeing potential red flags before you’ve even met, I wouldn’t waste my time.

What does his salary have to do with any of the "is this a red flag". It sounds to me the main issue here is that he isn't a high earner and you've noticed the other issues as a result...

The massive red flag for me would be that he’s shared with you every detail of his finances before you’ve even met! Run, fast!

That’s a lot of financial information to have on someone so early!

He moans about not having any money all the time. In the end I delved a bit for more information to see if I could help.

My closest friends, who I've known for years, do not know my wage. There's no reason why he'd need to share that. Also sounds like he has £700 left per month after the mortgage and child support. How does that justify working another 2 jobs? I smell bullshit.

I don’t know that there is enough information there to say he doesn’t make an effort to see his daughter. Maybe he does try and actually it is his daughter that is too busy with her teenage life. I spent the bare minimum of time with my parents at that age too.

But the rest, yes very off-putting, far too much sharing of detailed finances at this stage. It is like he is warning you.

By your own admission you are "not feeling any vibes" for this man and you're already concerned enough about his financial situation to openly analyse it, I think you've answered your own question here.

He said bills add up and he needs the money. He just seems to be working some job all the time.
His daughter gets bored with him by the sounds of it. He lives in a sleepy village with nothing for a teenage girl. She made the decision not to go anymore.

I think he is warning me as he has asked if it is putting me off.

I think I will let this one go tbh.

Never mind the oversharing of finances early on how will he see you if he works 80 hours a week?

Doesn't seem like he has time for dating ir a relationship.

I’m not sure I’d want to get involved with a man who works 80hrs per week. Assume that means he works evenings and weekends. I work in the public sector and there’s a lot of opportunity for promotion etc, so he doesn’t need to be stuck on £1700 a month. I guess that’s one of the lowest grades.

I guess I’d meet him. In one respect he’s not work shy, he’s out there earning money at least. It would put me off that he doesn’t see his daughter, I think that would be the biggest issue for me. My bf of 2 months has custody of his kids and I respect him so much for stepping up and raising his young kids for the last 5yrs with zero input from his ex wife. I couldn’t go out with a man who made no effort for his kids. I’m sure his DD would go for a meal or something once a week. I’d be suspicious why she doesn’t want to see him. So yeah I’d probably sack him off without a coffee but guess it wouldn’t hurt to give an hour of your time for a quick coffee

No real problem with him working that many hours though it does mean he's a crappy dad and he would be a crappy partner. He sounds like a moany twat though!

Have you seen the cost of bills? Council tax is going to be near £200, energy another £200-300 at today’s prices, utilities. That alone will be £700 minimum without bringing in cost of food, petrol, communing. If you think £700 is enough for bills and food then I’d like to know what bills you pay as mine come to a lot more than £700

What’s weird is that anyone would disclose all that financial information to a person they’ve known a few weeks and haven’t even met!

Good lord, why is a complete stranger detailing his financials to you?

He won't have the time snd money to date.
I also wouldn't believe the magical lump sum that is coming to him, take what you know as it is.

I agree with how much of a red flag it is that he’s already discussed financials with you when you haven’t even met. If you two were to go down the road further as you’re in a well paying job, he would look to you and try to manipulate you into helping him. (I could be wrong and it be just a judgement) but from previous experience. Men who talk about their financial situation when they’re working three jobs and they “need” the money, they have some sort of underlying issue. Which is why they feel the need to talk about it so frequently, I personally don’t think you should entertain it. Not even for a cuppa, it’s not worth it.

He said he will make time for the right woman.

My thoughts too.

I asked what his mortgage payment was to try to help but it became clear he didn’t have much left from the main job.

His commuting costs are £300 a month