Is this a red flag?

[CupofTeaandSliceofChocolateCake]

Hi,

I’ve been chatting to a man who I met on Bumble for a few weeks now. He wants to meet next week. He is divorced (I’m almost at the end of my divorce) and he said his wife had an affair and left him because he was working long hours. She is now living with the OM (marriage planned) with her (and Bumble man’s) 14 year old daughter.

I have to admit that I’m not feeling any vibes from this man but would meet up with him for a cuppa or something just to see if he’d be better in real life.

It turns out he has a full-time role in the public sector which he says is underpaid and he gets £1700 a month take home pay. His mortgage is £750 and he pays £250 a month for child support. He doesn’t see his daughter as she wants to stay in the town where she lives and go shopping/do girlie things plus he works a lot.

He has another two jobs on top of his full time role. He said he works 80 hours a week! Keeps saying he needs the money.

I am in a well paid job.

He reckons he can retire from his main role next year and get a lump sum to pay the mortgage off and the child support payments will stop in 3 years. I don’t have a problem with him supporting his daughter. He should. I’m more concerned that he doesn’t make the effort to see her and then complains about another man bringing her up.

I actually said to him that I could see his ex-wife’s point of view with regards him ‘working all the time’.

I don’t think I’m that interested in him anyway but would this put you off?

Lesson learnt op. Many men are complete losers. He sounds like one.

Also..

He earns £40k min as a fireman. You say he basically works another full salary. Even at min wage that's £20k. That's £60k.

He doesn't see his daughter at all, or do any parenting ever. And, never has done clearly. To leave all the parenting to the other parent is beyond selfish.

That's £3,600 take home per month.

He should be paying way way more than £250 for his child.

He has shown himself to be miserable, selfish, crap parent, obsessed with money, whinger who blames everyone else for his shit life.

He's a complete loser.

You'll learn quickly to spot these men op, and block or stop talking to quicker next time.

Either he's completely bullshitting you and trying to make you feel sorry for him so you send him money, or he's up to his eyeballs in debt through drugs/gambling/crypto/whatever and is again going to ask you for money.

Either way, run away now.

I can see why his marriage broke down which is what worries me and why I won’t be taking it further. If his wife said he was always at work then he wasn’t around as a parent nor a husband. I don’t understand why he had to work so many hours when two of them were bringing in a salary (and a decent one at that).
Back to the pond!!

He worked that many hours to get out of parenting. Because it's hard.

Already far too much time invested in this man.

Also… It’s utterly bizarre to discuss money like this. Where’s the romance or boundaries?!

You already have wasted your time. If someone isn't making you say 'Wow!' at every turn, just drop them. Don't bother discussing their finances because you need to figure stuff out about them - a compatible partner will tell you all you want to know and nothing will be confusing or need working out, because you'll be on the same wavelength.

You seriously need to raise the bar of what you're even willing to consider, let alone what you'll get into a relationship with.

The red flag here is your obsession with his finances before you've even met

OP you need to become much more efficient at OLD. One crap thing and delete them.

Doesn't see his daughter? Take that as a warning.

who on earth discuss money and pay like that on a dating app chat? before even meeting?

if he has 2 other jobs on top of his public sector job then he could probably being dishonest and use public sector work time to work the other 2 jobs - low salary is not an excuse for this and if he is doing this, he is essentially stealing tax payers’ money

The red flag is you seeing if you could help a grown ass man who can do for himself. Love yourself more.

His daughter isn't interested in seeing him because they never had a relationship when he was in the family home. How could he when he was never there!

Him saying he would make time for the right woman is such a load of crap. He was MARRIED and refused to make time for his wife.

Yes, that’s very true.

Yet doesn’t make time to go and visit his daughter…

And clearly didn’t make time for his wife.

Classy guy

Yes, I see what you mean.

He tried phoning me last night but I switched my phone off. Cowardly, I know.

Anyway, I have sent him a message this morning to say I am calling it a day and said I just wasn’t feeling any vibes or anything. I’ve blocked and deleted.

Thanks all.

He said he will make time for the right woman

This would be clever if it wasn't so transparent. It basically transfers responsibility onto the woman, if he doesn't end up making time. i.e. 'If I don't make time to see you, it's because you're a bit shit, not because I'm a commitment phobe who'll keep you dangling rather than tell it to you straight that I don't think we're a very good match.'

You're so right!

Yes, I think I’m a bit naive with men sometimes! I didn’t have much experience pre-marriage and ended up marrying someone quite a bit older who I ended up not attracted to in the end. There was no love or affection in our marriage for many years (hence why I ended it) but this has made me realise that he wasn’t around much as a father either. Although he worked a 40 hr week, he would always be rostered for weekends a lot and weekday back shift. I found it really hard as I was also working full time in a much more
demanding position that his. As we had no family (all RIP), the burden of childcare always fell on my shoulders. It was always me who had to swap my shifts to accommodate childcare. It meant I didn’t get a break and it was tough when the kids entered teen years! I realised I was missing so much and being treated like the kids were 100% my responsibility. I also did a lot of studying after work to enable me to rise through the ranks whereas he stayed in the same lower paid job throughout our marriage.

As for the Bumble guy, I remembered last night that - during our first conversation - he asked about my job/role and he actually said ‘you’ll have a gold plated pension then’ - yes, I need to be more careful.

I didn’t really like him anyway without all of this!

As for the Bumble guy, I remembered last night that - during our first conversation - he asked about my job/role and he actually said ‘you’ll have a gold plated pension then’ - yes, I need to be more careful.

You've had a lucky escape!

I know you've had a lot of advice on this thread already, but perhaps one more tip would be (if you have an obviously lucrative job) to not go into much detail about what you do for work until you have met and are comfortable that the person you're meeting doesn't have any bad intentions? You could just mention the sector?

I think I’m a bit naive with men sometimes

This can end right now, this second, with the realisation that you only spend time with people that you feel are brilliant, and who make you feel happy to be around.

As soon as someone starts making you feel anything less than that, talk to them, once, and tell them how you feel (not what they should do differently, this is about you) If nothing changes, you leave.

That's it. That's all the boundaries and confidence you need. You will never be 'naive with men' again. You will never be in a poor relationship.

He has left a voicemail on my phone! Not sure how as I’d blocked his number so I’m guessing he used another phone. I don’t use my main phone for dating btw (I use a cheap SIM and spare phone).
He seems quite upset and said he is disappointed I didn’t give him a chance and got rid before we’d even met. He said he thinks I am looking for the impossible! Not sure where that came from! He said he’d been honest with me from the start and felt it was a way of building trust early in the relationship.

My gut instinct said to throw him back. The connection just wasn’t there and that is without all of his money issues.

Thank you.

Oh dear...he's now scolding you.

Thank goodness you didn't continue with this relationship.

If a guy tried to overshare with me - at least to this extent - I would tell him to stop.
It's weird that he has divulged so much, but also a bit odd that you've gone along with it (sorry).

This. Like why the fuck wpuld you talk about all this stuff with someone you haven't so much as met for coffee. So creepy!