Is this a red flag?

[CupofTeaandSliceofChocolateCake]

Hi,

I’ve been chatting to a man who I met on Bumble for a few weeks now. He wants to meet next week. He is divorced (I’m almost at the end of my divorce) and he said his wife had an affair and left him because he was working long hours. She is now living with the OM (marriage planned) with her (and Bumble man’s) 14 year old daughter.

I have to admit that I’m not feeling any vibes from this man but would meet up with him for a cuppa or something just to see if he’d be better in real life.

It turns out he has a full-time role in the public sector which he says is underpaid and he gets £1700 a month take home pay. His mortgage is £750 and he pays £250 a month for child support. He doesn’t see his daughter as she wants to stay in the town where she lives and go shopping/do girlie things plus he works a lot.

He has another two jobs on top of his full time role. He said he works 80 hours a week! Keeps saying he needs the money.

I am in a well paid job.

He reckons he can retire from his main role next year and get a lump sum to pay the mortgage off and the child support payments will stop in 3 years. I don’t have a problem with him supporting his daughter. He should. I’m more concerned that he doesn’t make the effort to see her and then complains about another man bringing her up.

I actually said to him that I could see his ex-wife’s point of view with regards him ‘working all the time’.

I don’t think I’m that interested in him anyway but would this put you off?

I feel he hasn’t been sensible in his life/work decisions and is feeling sorry for himself. If his ex-wife had an affair because he was never there then that’s a massive thing.

You haven’t even met him and you’re acting like his financial advisor?

I thought dating was meant to be fun? This sounds anything but.

I would throw this one back in the pond, OP.

This is so wierd. Run.

I don’t want to waste time. He seems keen on me but I’m not feeling it anyway and this was before he disclosed all of this. I definitely think I’ll call it a day.

Its very weird you are so interested in his finances before you have even met.

I've been dating a guy for a year now. I have no idea what he earns and its non of my business at this point in the relationship.

For the right woman meaning for the woman who brings the money he needs extra, he just might be an workaholic... or is in bad debt.. either way... not a manly thing to complain about not having enought money, i bet he will complain and never have enought money no matter how much he has... there are alsopeople like that.. run... my opinion.. run... he ll either just stop working because he burns out from all the work,, your u lll alwways be frustrated that you have a partener that you never see and when u do he only complains...
wasn't he suposed to try to impress you? why does it sound like he wants you to pity him?

This is a weird weird conversation to be having with a stranger you've never met

Sounds like he is doing some 'ground work' leading up to moving in so that you can help him 'reduce his outgoings'

This is a bonkersly boring conversation to be having with someone you've never met.
Before I met my boyfriend on OLD I shated messages with hundreds of blokes. All we ever did was flirted/lighthearted getting to know each other stuff. Moaning about finances whilst you're trying ti impress a person is super weird.

I'm afraid I think he's keen on you because you have enough money to rescue him.

I wonder whether he's a gambler too. A man in his situation shouldn't have to work 80 hours a week.

Not seeing his daughter would be a huge red flag for me.

The fact you know all of this financial information about him before you've even met is... Strange.

After a few years of online dating I learnt not to spend much time messaging back and forth before you meet, it kills a lot of the mystery and you can build up a picture of a very different person to the one you actually meet. You've gone way beyond this.

Given you've already said you've gone off him, I would be polite and move on.

80 hours a week for £1700???

You’re not that interested, you said yourself - listen to your gut here and say thanks but no thanks. The oversharing of finances seems bizarre to me plus he’s a workaholic and absent father- not exactly a catch.

OK... my council tax is £120, with single person discount, energy bill is £100. I'd imagine being out of the house 80 hours a week his will be lower. Broadband is £30 and phone is £35. Life insurance is £15. What's left goes on food and savings. I earn what I earn and live within my means point still stands. There was no need for him to share his wages.

I’m not. I was more interested in why he was working so many hours.

My worries exactly.

This. I wouldn’t bother meeting him.

That’s just his main job. He obviously earns more from the other 2 roles.

I'm curious though have you ended up with so much information about his incomings and outgoings?

Since its obviously not your normal flirty, getting-to-now you pre-date amble.

I won’t meet him. I Will politely say goodbye.

£300 pcm to commute to a £1700 a month job? He's a mug! He could work full time in his local supermarket in walking distance and pretty much bring home that wage

I wasn’t being sinister or anything.

I was trying to help him in his situation. He is a fireman (main job) and has been since he left school so has 30 years+ in the service but he says it is poorly paid which is why they are striking.

I tried to suggest alternative roles for him as he is planning on retiring from the fire service next year (they can at 50). I suggested a fire officer role in a hospital or something. That’s how the whole conversations started over money.

He reckons he has no transferable skills and will end up in a manual job once he leaves the fire service.

He lives in between his daughter and his job - hence the commuting costs.

You’re giving him financial and career advice and you haven’t even met!

You should be casually chatting and flirting at this stage and then just meet him!

It’s all a bit heavy.

I wouldn't bother. He's disclosed far too much and makes bad decisions in life plus nothing is his fault by the sounds.

I don't mean the affair. I mean why is he working those sorts of hours for that money, why is he not making an effort to do something his daughter will like in order to maintain some contact, say a weekly film night at home, if a weekend in his boring village is too much for her (rhetorical questions btw, i absolutely don't expect you to have the answers!)

Sounds like he wouldn't mind someone to do the thinking for him and sort his whole life out. Keep looking.