Is this a red flag?

[CupofTeaandSliceofChocolateCake]

Hi,

I’ve been chatting to a man who I met on Bumble for a few weeks now. He wants to meet next week. He is divorced (I’m almost at the end of my divorce) and he said his wife had an affair and left him because he was working long hours. She is now living with the OM (marriage planned) with her (and Bumble man’s) 14 year old daughter.

I have to admit that I’m not feeling any vibes from this man but would meet up with him for a cuppa or something just to see if he’d be better in real life.

It turns out he has a full-time role in the public sector which he says is underpaid and he gets £1700 a month take home pay. His mortgage is £750 and he pays £250 a month for child support. He doesn’t see his daughter as she wants to stay in the town where she lives and go shopping/do girlie things plus he works a lot.

He has another two jobs on top of his full time role. He said he works 80 hours a week! Keeps saying he needs the money.

I am in a well paid job.

He reckons he can retire from his main role next year and get a lump sum to pay the mortgage off and the child support payments will stop in 3 years. I don’t have a problem with him supporting his daughter. He should. I’m more concerned that he doesn’t make the effort to see her and then complains about another man bringing her up.

I actually said to him that I could see his ex-wife’s point of view with regards him ‘working all the time’.

I don’t think I’m that interested in him anyway but would this put you off?

Lol. You are very invested and you are denying it. Why bother asking if not for someone you haven't even met and are not into? Just dump him.

Why are you invested in helping a man you aren't particularly interested in and who you haven't even met?

He said he thinks I am looking for the impossible!

How did I know that his response would include something along these lines?

Don't give it any more energy.

Move and and have fun with it.

The finance sharing is the red flag. To be fair, the 14 year old not seeing him is less of a concern, due to her age. It's perfectly possible he's telling the truth on that one, especially if her mum has overshared details and isn't encouraging it. She's at an age where that sounds like a fairly realistic situation - very different to a smaller child and she doesn't have siblings going.

I have to admit that I’m not feeling any vibes from this man but would meet up with him for a cuppa or something just to see if he’d be better in real life.

Why bother?

He can't be arsed to parent his own daughter, he's massively over-sharing about finances, & he's more interested in spreadsheeting his income at you than in dating you.

Can I please urge you to secure your boundaries here OP?

It's concerning that you feel it's your job to help some total stranger you haven't even met by giving him financial advice. You need to clip this habit - it will attract needy users & cocklodgers. If a man can't manage his money, it's not up to you to manage it for him.

He said he’d been honest with me from the start and felt it was a way of building trust early in the relationship.

Er ... WHAT relationship? 😂
You are 2 strangers on a dating site.

Good instincts OP - I wagged my finger at you upthread, as PP have also said for naivete. But you have dodged a seriously needy fucker here, well done.

If you feel like buying yourself a present, buy this - www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Communication/dp/0715654543

And read this - any woman who is on the dating scene needs to know this stuff -
www.jennisspace.com/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

He said he thinks I am looking for the impossible

Because you don't want him, and he's the ultimate man. Blimey.