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Original poster

Is this banter or more serious?

102 replies

Lookingtothefuturenow · 19/01/2023 08:15

What would you make of a boyfriend who:

  • mocks your car
  • tells you to speed up or overtake when driving
  • criticises things about your home, that you worked hard to buy when still in your 20s
  • made fun of your choice of music
  • generally quizzed you about things that he knows a lot about and you don't, making you feel a bit stupid?
OP posts:
Lalliella · 19/01/2023 08:56

Don’t be with someone who does you down, who whittles away at your self-esteem, who wants to make you feel bad about yourself. Be with someone who raises you up, who values you, who makes you happy.

Dump him OP. You could do so much better. And if you don’t think you can, then he’s succeeded hasn’t he?

Hollyhocksauce · 19/01/2023 08:59

I would think he was shit at banter. Oh and that he's an uncaring arrogant bell-end.

LadyLaLaa · 19/01/2023 09:09

Well, I would make of him- a non boyfriend. 😂

overwork · 19/01/2023 09:10

Run. This is the part where he's being nice and trying to impress you - just imagine what's to come when you settle down with him. There's far better men out there for you

MadeofElephantStone · 19/01/2023 09:11

I had one of these too in my early 20's. Criticised my choice of job (chose happiness over money), the small house that I bought and was proud of and the few eclectic hobbies I enjoyed. All within the first few months of dating him too. I dumped him quite quickly and he blamed me for being to sensitive etc. Having boundaries and self respect is not being sensitive. I have no regrets I am happy where I am now and that I hadn't tried to change myself to suit him. Do
yourself a favour and bin him otherwise he will chip away at your self esteem and identity.

billy1966 · 19/01/2023 09:11

PrinceHaz · 19/01/2023 08:32

This is most definitely someone to dump. If your next partner is similar dump even more quickly.

This.

Why are you with such a loser.

Have a hard look at why you would accept this.

Your boundaries are very poor to put up with this.

LadyOfTheFliessssss · 19/01/2023 09:16

In no way is that banter. You don't go below the belt or just cut loose and outright criticise someone if it's banter. It's also a matey jokey thing, not really something you want to be doing too much in a relationship.

Every one of those things you've listed is a dumping offence.

Emmamoo89 · 19/01/2023 09:21

Bin him

prettygreenteacup · 19/01/2023 09:23

As someone who was married to a man who did similar, this is simply covert emotional manipulation and abuse. It wears you down over time and chips away at your confidence when someone who is meant to love you, is consistently mocking, criticising, sneering and making out as though you are not good enough. My husband told me I had no common sense, that I was boring, he mocked the things I liked and enjoyed even down to brands of food I bought. It just lays the groundwork for bigger and worse abuse, and your self worth and confidence is already gone by then. So you keep accepting it. Get rid now, and for fucks sake do not marry him.

determinedtomakethiswork · 19/01/2023 09:26

AutisticLegoLover · 19/01/2023 08:18

I would think he's a twat and dump him. It will only get worse.

Exactly this. Awful. You would feel great if you dumped him.

determinedtomakethiswork · 19/01/2023 09:26

Let me guess, he doesn't drive, doesn't have a car and lives with his mum.

Annoyingwurringnoise · 19/01/2023 09:28

I’ve had one of these, basically criticises and belittles every single little thing. I strongly advise you to get rid now. I stuck around for 12 years and it completely destroyed my sense of self.

Velvetween · 19/01/2023 09:31

I would dump him immediately because we are not compatible. I am
not a complete dick.

dworky · 19/01/2023 09:40

A red flag masquerading as a man.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 19/01/2023 09:45

My ex was like this. We got together at university, and for the first three or four years he was fine. Then this started, ever so subtly. I have ADHD and he would mock me for getting confused with directions, both walking and driving (I still do this; it is who I am and that's just it).

A favourite phrase was "You're supposed to be an intelligent woman" (because I liked Katy Perry's Teenage Dream album at the age of 30) and "Don't ask daft questions". No question is daft, if you don't know the answer. He criticised my cats, how I spent my time, my money, and because he didn't do this every single time we met, and because I didn't sit back and take it but challenged him every time, it didn't register exactly how toxic it was until the last four or five years. He moaned and grumbled about so much. It all came to a head on holiday and he was unbearable to be with. I chucked him whilst on holiday.

I met him when I was at university and we were all in a same group of friends, started seeing him about the age of 20/21 and I was 41 when I finally dumped him.

It will escalate as mine did.

twoshedsjackson · 19/01/2023 09:53

"Banter" implies dialogue, to and fro, giving as good as you get, don't dish it out if you can't take it, etc......
Not always easy on the spur of the moment, but if his negative remarks are predictable, it could be telling if you have some "witty" rejoinder ready;
"This car is like a tin can on wheels!"
"Fair enough! We'll go in your wonder-chariot next time, if this is beneath you!"
The response could be telling; not a BF but a colleague was horrified when I paid him back in his own coin.
Or just say that you find his "joke" unkind or unnecessary; his response will be telling; if he apologises or backtracks, there is a way forward. If he becomes defensive, calling it "just a bit of banter" or "you can't take a joke", probably better to call it a day, as you don't share the same sense of humour.

Crimeismymiddlename · 19/01/2023 09:53

No-why are you putting up with this, anyone insulting your home is stupid and lacks thinking skills. I would hazard a guess that he does not own a home or a car.

TheVanguardSix · 19/01/2023 09:55

Fuck that noise. Too much hard work. Life is hard enough without Bozo the Clown backseat driving all the time.

Mischance · 19/01/2023 09:55

Not a boy"friend" - just another bloke trying to boost his ego by putting you down. Get rid.

SiobhanSharpe · 19/01/2023 09:57

Tell him to fucking zip it or he's done.
It's not funny and it's not clever, as my old form mistress used to say.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 19/01/2023 09:57

TheVanguardSix · 19/01/2023 09:55

Fuck that noise. Too much hard work. Life is hard enough without Bozo the Clown backseat driving all the time.

God yes, this too. I had this for years. The excuse was "I'm a terrible passenger" or "I know I am an arse" (him). As if this gave him a get out of jail free card to be as obnoxious as he wanted.

The worst thing he would do would be to yell out "Woah!" when there was no reason to at all. Immediately I am transported back to my driving lessons in 1999 and my instructor getting me to do an emergency stop. It's wired into my neural pathway and my stupid ex could have caused carnage by doing this.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/01/2023 10:00

I wouldn't think about this at all because he'd already be out of my life.

Rainbowqueeen · 19/01/2023 10:01

If it doesn’t make you laugh then how is it banter??

Dump him. And remind yourself that the whole point of dating is to find someone you are compatible with. It’s not to change yourself to fit his mould or try and change him. If you’re incompatible just accept that and move on. Give yourself the chance to find someone you are suited to.

Riverlee · 19/01/2023 10:01

If it was/were banter, you wouldn’t be asking.

This ‘banter’ obviously makes you feel uncomfortable and belittled, so, in answer to your question, no it’s not.

I wouldn’t like what’s he’s saying either. He doesn’t respect you or your choices and achievements in life. Get rid.

NothingButSpace · 19/01/2023 10:02

I would hate it. I could not be with him.