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Original poster

Went to tell my boyfriend something in confidence and he cut me off and said he can’t promise he won’t tell his friends

81 replies

Cleary7 · 18/01/2023 18:06

Long story short- I have a thing in my life that is very important to me but not something I share with many people.
I don’t want to say exactly what it is but something along the times of being adopted/having a different parent.
I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and I wanted to share this with him and thought he would understand.
I started by saying this is very important to me and something I’d like to keep between me and him, I explained a few other people knew but it’s not common knowledge and something I would only like other people hearing from me if I choose. So asked him to keep it to himself.
he basically said not to tel him because he can’t be sure he won’t tell his friends? I’m sure he got the general gist of what I was going to say and then just said no don’t tel me as I can’t promise you I won’t tell people.
I was a bit miffed by this because I felt I could trust him with this and it is important to me that people close to me know this.
how would you feel about this?

OP posts:
bubblehun · 18/01/2023 18:08

You can't have a relationship with someone who you can't tell important things to.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 18/01/2023 18:08

Well, he's told you that he can't be trusted...

PollyAmour · 18/01/2023 18:08

I would get the impression that you are not all that important to him, therefore keeping your 'secret' wouldn't be a priority.

gravyriceandchips · 18/01/2023 18:10

He needs to grow up.

You need to ask youself is this relationship going anywhere.

keepareaclean · 18/01/2023 18:11

how would you feel about this?

Glad that I hadn't shared.

Original poster
Cleary7 · 18/01/2023 18:17

He said that he would worry he would tell someone it without meaning to do better to not tell him. I said why not just promise me you won’t tel and make sure you don’t but he said he would worry he would

OP posts:
CherrySocks · 18/01/2023 18:17

His own self-confidence seems to be in doubt if he can't trust himself not to blurt out something private to his friends.

sunseaandme · 18/01/2023 18:20

Bin him off. That is a MAJOR red flag imo

Opentooffers · 18/01/2023 18:22

Well, it's good that he stopped you telling him rather than blurting it out to his friends. However, what it shows, is that you feel deeply enough about him to want to share something that important about you, whereas he either doesn't feel as deeply about you yet, or never will.
How long have you been together? You may have misjudged his feelings because it's ealy days and your heart is moving faster than his, but if you've been dating a long time I'd say he's never going to match your level so may need to reevaluate the relationship.
If early days, you could bide your time and if he one day comes to you and says he wants to know and won't tell, hopefully it will be because he's then on the same emotional page .

Rainbowqueeen · 18/01/2023 18:22

I wouldn’t be able to see a future with this guy. Trust and the ability to prioritise your partner over your mates are too important
I’d cut my losses now and end it

Original poster
Cleary7 · 18/01/2023 18:23

It’s been close to a year

OP posts:
Grandmasword · 18/01/2023 18:25

Well the good thing is he has said to you that he may not be able to keep whatever is said between you to himself. That would be a dealbreaker for me. How do you feel about it yourself? For the future of your relationship, would his admittance result in you not being able to say anything in confidence without the risk of this spreading out to anyone and everyone?

What would you advise your friend?

Personally I would be seeing this as a nice fat red flag. It is very likely that he has already muffled out things you already thought was only shared between you two, so take charge, be your friend here and perhaps evaluate this relationship?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 18/01/2023 18:26

Cleary7 · 18/01/2023 18:17

He said that he would worry he would tell someone it without meaning to do better to not tell him. I said why not just promise me you won’t tel and make sure you don’t but he said he would worry he would

So he's a helpless little boy whose words just fall out of his mouth to fill spaces in conversation, then?

Wouldn't you rather be dating somebody over the age of nine?

DPotter · 18/01/2023 18:28

Give the guy a break people - he's being honest you, that he can't promise not tell anyone. He's recognised the importance of what you wanted to tell him and stopped you before it was too late. He's taking you seriously.

Refusing to listen may not make him the man-mostly-likely-to-share-your-life- with material, but it doesn't cast him as a cad who can't be trusted either. And I really don't know how anyone can infer he has self confidence issues from this.

If this was me - yes I'd be disappointed - as you may see more from the relationship than he does. A little further down the road, you may appreciate he didn't just let you tell him and then he blabs to a mate and it's all around town in the wink of an eye

ShellsOnTheBeach · 18/01/2023 18:30

Deal-breaker.

On two accounts: he hasn't got your back, and he is too immature to have long-term potential.

Would you want to be married to someone you cannot trust to keep a secret that is important to you?

Opentooffers · 18/01/2023 18:35

After nearly a year together, if he has no loyalty to you now, he never will. You are at a pivotal moment. It's time to think where you are hoping this relationship is going, because he does not see you as a long term commitment if he can't keep a secret in confidence for you.
Reflect on how you feel about him, moderate it if it's deep because you are more superficial than that to him, but that might be just the way he'd treat any woman, so may well not be personal. He may just be wrong for anyone who wants him long term.

WhereYouLeftIt · 18/01/2023 18:39

Dealbreaker I'm afraid. How can I spend my life with someone that I cannot share my 'secrets' with? Someone I have to NOT tell things too, because he's told me he won't keep my confidences, but will share them with his friends?

And of course, by saying to you "don’t tell me as I can’t promise you I won’t tell people" he's already covered himself, hasn't he? If you were to express any disappointment that he's told his friends what you asked him not to, all he's got to say now is 'well I did warn you'.

No. I need to have full confidence and trust in my life partner. This guy is just not up to the job.

Original poster
Cleary7 · 18/01/2023 19:00

He’s mid 30s so should have a bit more sense

OP posts:
movesyouveneverseen · 18/01/2023 19:14

I was trusted with something big like this with my then boyfriend (now my husband) and I never once dreamed of telling anyone else, it wasn’t my information to tell.

It would raise big concerns for me, which I think it has for you too, understandably.

saraclara · 18/01/2023 19:21

I'd far rather that someone did what your boyfriend did, than what most people would do. Which is promise and then tell people anyway.

To be honest I think more of your boyfriend for interrupting you and being honest.

The two people who breached my confidence to an egregious extent had both promised me faithfully that they would never breathe a word to a soul. So frankly I'd get rather have your boyfriend as a friend than them.

I trust very few people these days. But I would trust your boyfriend. Because I'd know where I was with him.

UsingChangeofName · 18/01/2023 19:23

DPotter · 18/01/2023 18:28

Give the guy a break people - he's being honest you, that he can't promise not tell anyone. He's recognised the importance of what you wanted to tell him and stopped you before it was too late. He's taking you seriously.

Refusing to listen may not make him the man-mostly-likely-to-share-your-life- with material, but it doesn't cast him as a cad who can't be trusted either. And I really don't know how anyone can infer he has self confidence issues from this.

If this was me - yes I'd be disappointed - as you may see more from the relationship than he does. A little further down the road, you may appreciate he didn't just let you tell him and then he blabs to a mate and it's all around town in the wink of an eye

This is my thinking.

I see it as a positive that he is acknowledging this is a responsibility he doesn't feel he can take on, rather than having no regard for your feelings and just letting you tell him anyway.

Original poster
Cleary7 · 18/01/2023 19:23

Yeah on one hand I thought fair enough at least he’s being honest but I also wondered why he couldn’t just ensure he kept it to himself, like he’s an adult

OP posts:
saraclara · 18/01/2023 19:29

Cleary7 · 18/01/2023 19:23

Yeah on one hand I thought fair enough at least he’s being honest but I also wondered why he couldn’t just ensure he kept it to himself, like he’s an adult

Some people just know their limitations. I have a really lovely friend who just has no filler. She's not at all malicious, but she's super chatty and and open. She just doesn't think. But I know that and I don't tell her anything that I don't want anyone else to know. She's mature and kind in every other way. But her brain supply doesn't work that way. She thinks of something and it's out of net mouth in a millisecond.

If he knows that he says things without stopping to think, or that he's a bit loose lipped when he's had a drink, he's actually being mature in owning that.

ReamsOfCheese · 18/01/2023 19:31

Nah he sounds thick as two short planks. I'd have to leave him if he couldn't keep basic info quiet. What will you do when he recites your full gynaecological history to random strangers in the street after he hears it while attending antenatal appointments? Ick.

ReamsOfCheese · 18/01/2023 19:35

saraclara · 18/01/2023 19:29

Some people just know their limitations. I have a really lovely friend who just has no filler. She's not at all malicious, but she's super chatty and and open. She just doesn't think. But I know that and I don't tell her anything that I don't want anyone else to know. She's mature and kind in every other way. But her brain supply doesn't work that way. She thinks of something and it's out of net mouth in a millisecond.

If he knows that he says things without stopping to think, or that he's a bit loose lipped when he's had a drink, he's actually being mature in owning that.

Show quote history

Which is fine in a friend but in my opinion it's not a strong basis for a trusting intimate relationship. I had a DP that just blurted things out sometimes and it was horrible when we were out with friends and he just blurted out "she changed her first name!" I couldn't tell him anything at all. Whether he owned it or not, verbal diarrhoea is really shitty in a relationship and very limiting because you can't share anything meaningful and important with that person so it becomes a superficial relationship.