Went to tell my boyfriend something in confidence and he cut me off and said he can’t promise he won’t tell his friends

[Cleary7]

Long story short- I have a thing in my life that is very important to me but not something I share with many people.
I don’t want to say exactly what it is but something along the times of being adopted/having a different parent.
I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and I wanted to share this with him and thought he would understand.
I started by saying this is very important to me and something I’d like to keep between me and him, I explained a few other people knew but it’s not common knowledge and something I would only like other people hearing from me if I choose. So asked him to keep it to himself.
he basically said not to tel him because he can’t be sure he won’t tell his friends? I’m sure he got the general gist of what I was going to say and then just said no don’t tel me as I can’t promise you I won’t tell people.
I was a bit miffed by this because I felt I could trust him with this and it is important to me that people close to me know this.
how would you feel about this?

Well I would struggle to trust anyone who doesn’t trust themselves to keep a secret tbh.

And that also means that, fur me, they wouldn’t be LT relationship/marriage material.

He sounds very immature.

I do not find men attractive who are so weak to peer pressure, or so want to impress the guys, that they can’t have a moral compass.

Bit weird that he thinks he will accidentally blurt out your secrets. Good job youve found out that hes a gossip before its too late

That also means you can forego any deep, intimate discussions about your dreams, hopes, fears etc….
It might be ok with a friend. Not a life partner.

I’m now wondering if he sometimes think he also can’t trust himself with himself.
eg would he share HIS secrets with everyone? Like his sexual fantasies or the fact he is cheating the system etc…

I suspect not. But rather it’s OTHER PEOPLE’S secrets he can’t keep….

He knows him and he knows that he crap at keeping stuff to himself. It’s good he knows that. I don’t think he was wrong to be honest with you.

However, you can choose to not want to be with someone you can not confide in.

Fair enough.

The other thing is that by saying he can't be told because he'd simply have to tell all and sundry, he automatically is absolved from any expectation to care about it. Because how can he care about something or support the OP with the consequences of that very important thing if he isn't told? He's given a free pass to do whatever he wants, no emotional energy put into the OP's needs or feelings because he's refused to listen by threatening her with whatever it is being broadcast to everybody.

As a result, no need to consider how he behaves sexually, as he doesn't know she's been raped, for example. And she can't tell him she's been raped because he's already said that he'll tell everybody. Ergo, no need to think of her emotional needs, any possible triggers, can go on exactly as he wants because if she does tell something scares her and why, he'll tell his mates down the pub or everybody at the works do.

It's not just being dim, it's deliberately refusing to support with a threat of exposure to punish her for wanting that acknowledgement, support and privacy.

I guess I'd be wondering what this means for the future. Assuming you stay together, does this mean you can never tell him? That would be a problem for me. I'd want to feel that my life partner knows the important stuff about me. This implies to me that he sees our relationship as more superficial than I do. He's not interested in the "deeper" aspects of my life.

I’d have responded the same as your BF, although I make sure to not surround myself with people so filled with self importance they care too much about people discussing things like this.

This is personally a deal breaker for me, if I can't trust you with this then wtf. Sorry 😞

I found out that my husband was a bit loose lipped after we got married. I'm pretty sure he has blabbed some of my very personal stuff to his family. I could never face asking outright as I would honestly want to end the marriage if I knew for sure. I don't share anything personal with him anymore. It's awful and a lonely place to be. If I had my time again, I wouldn't stay with someone who didn't have a very mature attitude towards respecting someone's privacy.

Everyone had a right to privacy, and a lot of the time, one person's story affects lots of other people too, who also deserve privacy. Its not about self importance. It's about respect.

If you can’t trust your partner of a year to keep your confidences, what kind of relationship is it ?

Of course, but I find people with such high security privacy settings on their lives to be entirely tiresome.

Anything I know my DH, mum and BF will know within a few hours. Which isn’t abnormal tbh

So if you have kids together and one of them goes through a very personal difficulty or trauma he'll just have to blurt that out too? Or his work ask him to keep business information private he doesn't manage that? I think you're just not that important to him.

To me, because I can't help what people are unconsciously trying to tell you.... it sounds like this

"No please, don't tell me your innermost secrets, I'm really not interested in you enough and I don't care about you enough to promise you anything"

But because he can't say that - it comes out just "no I won't keep your secret".

I wouldn't consider him a keeper regardless of what he really means after that.

He's mid-30s with the maturity and self control of a 14 year old. Bin him.

Bit of a stupid reaction lol. But like another poster said probably lacking in confidence.

Some people are just awful at keeping secrets. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

My mum is awful at keeping secrets I still love her. He knows he has that flaw so wisely told you not to tell him the secret. I think that's far better than if he said nothing, you told him the thing and then at a weak moment he shared the secret.

Yes, that's an entirely fair point and I agree with you and @ReamsOfCheese . I'm a very private person so I couldn't actually be with a partner that I can't share confidences with.

But having been let down by people who swore that they would never ever share what I told them, i can't help but admire someone who is honest and says ' please don't tell me because I know my limitations'

That’s a dealbreaker imo. You can’t have a relationship with somebody who can’t keep your secrets. It’s good he knows his limits, but it’s not like you could marry him, have kids with him etc without ever wanting to tell him anything that you don’t want his mates to know.

Run
All this says is that whatever life throws at you as an individual or you both as a couple, he will always share with other people.
You know, like Kanye West.
Imagine you have a termination and he tells all his mates.
Random and extreme I know. But think about it. You can't trust him. It's not a relationship if there is no trust.

So then what other private stuff in your relationship does he also share without your consent?

He sounds like a manchild. Why can he not keep something to himself? Unless he has a significant mental illness, then this means he is not adult enough to have a relationship.

He’s mid 30s?? I thought you were going to say early 20s at the oldest. This guy is never going to grow up. Oh dear