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Original poster

Went to tell my boyfriend something in confidence and he cut me off and said he can’t promise he won’t tell his friends

81 replies

Cleary7 · 18/01/2023 18:06

Long story short- I have a thing in my life that is very important to me but not something I share with many people.
I don’t want to say exactly what it is but something along the times of being adopted/having a different parent.
I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and I wanted to share this with him and thought he would understand.
I started by saying this is very important to me and something I’d like to keep between me and him, I explained a few other people knew but it’s not common knowledge and something I would only like other people hearing from me if I choose. So asked him to keep it to himself.
he basically said not to tel him because he can’t be sure he won’t tell his friends? I’m sure he got the general gist of what I was going to say and then just said no don’t tel me as I can’t promise you I won’t tell people.
I was a bit miffed by this because I felt I could trust him with this and it is important to me that people close to me know this.
how would you feel about this?

OP posts:
PuzzleMonster · 18/01/2023 20:47

saraclara · 18/01/2023 19:21

I'd far rather that someone did what your boyfriend did, than what most people would do. Which is promise and then tell people anyway.

To be honest I think more of your boyfriend for interrupting you and being honest.

The two people who breached my confidence to an egregious extent had both promised me faithfully that they would never breathe a word to a soul. So frankly I'd get rather have your boyfriend as a friend than them.

I trust very few people these days. But I would trust your boyfriend. Because I'd know where I was with him.

The fact that some people are liars doesn't mean that the OP should be having a relationship with a man in his 30s who admits he has less discretion than my 5 year old.

How can she have a relationship with somebody she cannot trust to keep things private? What kind of relationship is that? What else does he blabbermouth to his friends about?

PuzzleMonster · 18/01/2023 20:50

Pizzamyamour · 18/01/2023 19:46

I’d have responded the same as your BF, although I make sure to not surround myself with people so filled with self importance they care too much about people discussing things like this.

Hahahaa ironic comment of the day. Congratulations. 🏆

PlumbleCrumble · 18/01/2023 20:57

My first thought was at least he is honest!

Maybe he thinks you might be going to tell him something serious that he will feel he needs advice on.

It could make some people anxious to promise to keep something to themself, incase it is something they wouldn't feel comfortable keeping to themselves. Then they would be in a situation where they would have to consiser breaking a promise.

I don't know him so the above might not be relevant. However if that is not the kind of relationship you are happy with that is completely understandable.

billy1966 · 18/01/2023 20:58

While his honesty is admirable I suppose, it would be a total deal breaker for me.

It denotes huge immaturity and I would find that unappealing and most unattractive.

I certainly wouldn't want to be investing more time and energy in this relationship.

Disappointing for you OP, but best to know IMO.

Bluebellsand · 18/01/2023 20:59

I know few blabber mouths. Who struggle to keep secrets. He is telling you who he is, please belive him. Then decide what the next step is.

Soakitup37 · 18/01/2023 21:06

I wonder how many of you saying don’t trust him etc tell your partners something said to you in confidence? I know so many people that thing this is an exception rule. It really annoys me!

I think respect to him, some people do find it hard not to spill info meant for their ears only…. A best friend I consider a sister I wouldnt trust with info I didn’t want her to pass on.

I think it depends on the rest of the relationship, if it’s going on a year it must have it’s good qualities…

billy1966 · 18/01/2023 21:09

Discretion is a trait I hugely admire and have reared my 4 children to never repeat a confidence.

So far it has served them very well as young adults in forging very positive relation with friends through school and .

I have also told them to always be very wary of someone who would repeat a private confidence given to them.

Fine in casual friendships, but certainly not in your closest pals.

HolyZarquonsSingingSeals · 18/01/2023 21:11

He is telling you he is not properly grown up. You had better believe him.

Sandra1984 · 18/01/2023 21:14

Basically he’s telling you he cannot be trusted. Ask yourself if you want to have a partner that cannot be trusted. If you asked me I would know the answer.

pizzaHeart · 18/01/2023 21:21

Some people are just awful at keeping secrets. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. He knows he has that flaw so wisely told you not to tell him the secret. I think that's far better than if he said nothing, you told him the thing and then at a weak moment he shared the secret.
I agree with @Boating123
maybe he’s had this experience before when he told his mates something while drunk about himself or other person.
I would actually try to talk to him about this, not about your secret but about his inability to keep your secret. Why he was so sure about this? Was that just about your secret? this conversation might help you to understand what it’s about. However I agree with others that you can’t have a partner who can’t keep secrets, it’s very limiting.

Nubbled · 18/01/2023 21:54

He’s told you, he will tell his friends. He prefers them to you. Choose better. Good luck.

user06221 · 18/01/2023 22:39

I'd leave him because he can't even trust himself, so how will you ever trust him?

Him asking you not to tell him in case he accidentally lets slip is just incredibly juvenile.

You can't be with someone who you can't confide in. One of the best parts of being in a relationship is having that one special person you can trust and bare your soul to. That person isn't him.

PuzzleMonster · 18/01/2023 23:53

Soakitup37 · 18/01/2023 21:06

I wonder how many of you saying don’t trust him etc tell your partners something said to you in confidence? I know so many people that thing this is an exception rule. It really annoys me!

I think respect to him, some people do find it hard not to spill info meant for their ears only…. A best friend I consider a sister I wouldnt trust with info I didn’t want her to pass on.

I think it depends on the rest of the relationship, if it’s going on a year it must have it’s good qualities…

Of course that's unacceptable. A confidence is a confidence, and not to be shared with someone else's partner without consent. Seriously who as an adult can't keep a confidence? Such people would make awful friends. But it's even worse in this case as it's the OP's own partner saying he won't keep his mouth shut about the private things shared in their relationship. On what planet would that be acceptable? Does he tell his "mates" about their sex life too? And what else?

CoffeandTiaMaria · 19/01/2023 01:36

I’d start worrying what he’s already divulged to his friends OP 😳

rightsaidfreddie · 19/01/2023 01:44

DPotter · 18/01/2023 18:28

Give the guy a break people - he's being honest you, that he can't promise not tell anyone. He's recognised the importance of what you wanted to tell him and stopped you before it was too late. He's taking you seriously.

Refusing to listen may not make him the man-mostly-likely-to-share-your-life- with material, but it doesn't cast him as a cad who can't be trusted either. And I really don't know how anyone can infer he has self confidence issues from this.

If this was me - yes I'd be disappointed - as you may see more from the relationship than he does. A little further down the road, you may appreciate he didn't just let you tell him and then he blabs to a mate and it's all around town in the wink of an eye

This

PuzzleMonster · 19/01/2023 01:51

We're not talking about 18 year olds here, OP says the man is in his 30s! Absolutely baffling how anybody could think this is ok or would want to continue such a relationship.

Reclaimtheoutdoors · 19/01/2023 02:07

OP, I obviously don’t know what you were going to disclose but I wonder if your partner sensed you were about to share something too heavy /traumatic for him to hear and figured this was his way out?

AcrossthePond55 · 19/01/2023 02:12

Just imagine a life with someone like that!

You're pregnant and want to wait til your scan so it's decided to tell no-one. He blabs. Then you find out there is a problem with the pregnancy and 'decisions' need to be made. What should be able to be decided and dealt with in private is now 'not so private' because people know you're pregnant.

You get fired. He blabs. Now others know and your ability to control your own narrative is gone.

Your parents decide to divorce and you need time to process this. He blabs. Now you are having to deal with this 'in public' rather than in private.

You know another thing about blabbermouths? They're usually very good at keeping their own secrets. They just can't keep other people's.

Fraaahnces · 19/01/2023 02:52

That would make me feel like his friends were definitely higher up the food chain than I was.

saraclara · 19/01/2023 08:17

PuzzleMonster · 18/01/2023 23:53

Of course that's unacceptable. A confidence is a confidence, and not to be shared with someone else's partner without consent. Seriously who as an adult can't keep a confidence? Such people would make awful friends. But it's even worse in this case as it's the OP's own partner saying he won't keep his mouth shut about the private things shared in their relationship. On what planet would that be acceptable? Does he tell his "mates" about their sex life too? And what else?

Show quote history

I agree, but it seems that you and I are in the minority. I remember a couple of threads on this subject on mumsnet, and virtually everyone felt that anything that they are told in confidence, they could freely tell their partner and that it was totally unreasonable for anyone to think that they shouldn't.

Those threads had a fundamental affect on me. I was always quite private, but now I bottle things up even more. Not healthy, but it seems that I can't automatically trust anyone with a spouse or partner who I don't want to know my business.

Original poster
Cleary7 · 19/01/2023 08:20

It’s not traumatic for me at all but something I like close people to know because there’s always a wrong assumption about me. In fact I get quite excited them too talk about it and share it when I decide to. It’s especially important at the minute because a trip I’m taking soon is closely linked to this ‘secret’ and most people wouldn’t realise the significance of the trip.
I think he really thought he was doing me a favour by saying not to tell him…

OP posts:
Nothinglikethebest · 19/01/2023 08:32

He’s telling you that the main relationship in his life is with his friends rather than with you. That would be fine if you were only a few weeks in but after all this time, no it’s not fine.
As other PP’s have said he just hasn’t got the emotional maturity to know when it’s appropriate to keep his trap shut. Has he shared in appropriate things about other people with you yet, like things other people might have told him in confidence that should have given you some idea what he’s like. If he has then you know he’ll do the same to you or if not either he manages to keep other people’s confidences or they know what he’s like and don’t tell him things. For me it wouldn’t even necessarily be about the “big” secrets, you might decide not to tell him and seek support elsewhere, but what about the day to day things in your relationship? That are not secrets per se but things that you wouldn’t want all and sundry to know about so say you have a disagreement with him - all his mates down the pub know, health issues - all his mates down the pub know, trying for a baby - all his mates down the pub know etc etc. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship like that.

LemonTT · 19/01/2023 08:48

I would opt out of a situation where I am sworn to secrecy. It is childish and controlling. Once someone tells me something it is really my decision what I do with and I might have good reason to divulge it.

saraclara · 19/01/2023 08:57

LemonTT · 19/01/2023 08:48

I would opt out of a situation where I am sworn to secrecy. It is childish and controlling. Once someone tells me something it is really my decision what I do with and I might have good reason to divulge it.

Wow. That's far worse than someone saying that their worried they might accidentally let something slip.

Someone's confidence becomes YOUR property to do with as you will? That's an appalling attitude to have

Original poster
Cleary7 · 19/01/2023 08:58

Nothinglikethebest · 19/01/2023 08:32

He’s telling you that the main relationship in his life is with his friends rather than with you. That would be fine if you were only a few weeks in but after all this time, no it’s not fine.
As other PP’s have said he just hasn’t got the emotional maturity to know when it’s appropriate to keep his trap shut. Has he shared in appropriate things about other people with you yet, like things other people might have told him in confidence that should have given you some idea what he’s like. If he has then you know he’ll do the same to you or if not either he manages to keep other people’s confidences or they know what he’s like and don’t tell him things. For me it wouldn’t even necessarily be about the “big” secrets, you might decide not to tell him and seek support elsewhere, but what about the day to day things in your relationship? That are not secrets per se but things that you wouldn’t want all and sundry to know about so say you have a disagreement with him - all his mates down the pub know, health issues - all his mates down the pub know, trying for a baby - all his mates down the pub know etc etc. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship like that.

He hasn’t shared anything that I’ve heard of so far but at the start he did mention how him and his friends do share a lot about their dating lives and I asked that he didn’t share about ours (especially sex life). I know he hasn’t because his friends actually made a joke about it once

OP posts:
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