After all these years, I cannot get over the fact that he ended our marriage.

[greencandycane]

I've NC. I'm embarrassed to admit (I would never admit to friends and family) that I still cannot get over (6 years on) the fact that my husband suddenly,out of the blue, decided he wasn't happy in our 20 marriage, had and affair, and within a few days, was gone.
He never once expressed that he was unhappy.
I wake up every day just praying I won't think about him and his new life. Of course, I do.

Is anyone else in a similar situation whereby they are still crushed/confused/heart broken by the end of their relationship?

The mistake people make is expecting relationships to last forever

This isn’t a mistake. I know
loads of people who had relationships last until they died. I also know plenty who will continue to be together. In fact l know more like this than any other.

With respect, being cheated on is a very different situation than a partner dying. The latter might destroy your faith in fate, God, and the world. But it doesn't diminish your faith in people being essentially consistent and trustworthy, and in your own ability to judge whether someone is lying to you. Betrayal is a different type of trauma than bereavement, with different impacts.

This has been a really useful thread to me so thank you for starting it op. I've read some really helpful things which I'm going to think about myself.

I've been navigating a relationship ending and the way I'm approaching it is mostly to allow myself to hurt. These endings are so hard and so sad and they can change life so drastically. If I get stuck ruminating on anything long term in general, I try to catch those thoughts when they hit and say 'I'll think about that at 9pm tonight' (or whenever.) And then crucially, I give myself time then to write down my feelings as that processes things in a different way. But I set a time limit so if a thought comes to mind another time, I tell myself I'm going to think about something else. Psychologists don't know why writing is so good at resolving things but it is very therapeutic so do try it.

I think it's also so important to do things which properly move your life on, so you're in control of some of the changes. That could be moving city, starting a new hobby, having a career change or a big holiday. It depends on your funds and your interests. The more fun you have, the less your ex will occupy your thoughts. I am going after as much fun as I possibly can this year. We were all so restricted in the pandemic and like hell am I going to sit home feeling sad beyond a certain amount that's healthy. (That's not a judgement of you but of myself and how sucked into moping I can get)

Ultimately these things make us who we are. No one gets through life without loss, do they? I like to think of them shaping us into kinder people or wiser or stronger people. We can only make the most of what is ahead. None of us knows how long we have - if you died in 2023, would you regret all the time you'd spent getting hung on on the past? I think I would. I am trying to give myself more of a shake when I get too absorbed in my sadness. I'm off to learn how to paint from February. And I am buying myself a new bike to get really fit.

So sad that there are so many women experiencing the same thing . And yet comforting to know that your feelings are normal and shared by others.
I know that I will never get over what my husband of 30 years did to me. Discovered he had cheated and then uncovered a whole secret life that he was leading alongside me. Yes , I noticed the changes, put it down to pressures of work, health worries and I was so concerned and supportive . And he let me give him all this attention, knowing what he was doing to me. That, I will never get over. I veer between sobbing sadness at the life I no longer have and the memories that are tarnished to vicious anger , wishing him all manner of horrible deaths.
Previously, I has known some friends that had gone through it and never comprehended how devastating it was for them . And yet , women, especially with young kids have to just keep going on with their now shattered lives. So many walking wounded out there , just trying to survive the ultimate betrayal.

These messages are all fantastic. Thank you so much!
I like the statement several people made about the ex having an affair and THEN saying he was unhappy. I think that was the hardest part to digest. My ex had booked our honeymoon suite for our anniversary (I ended up going alone, would you believe?!), 5 days before I found out about the OW. Of course, as soon as I found out, he said he'd been unhappy for 10 years. No he bloody well hadn't! It was just an excuse I now know, but at the time, I wracked my brains over what had made him unhappy and poured endlessly through photos, hoping to spy his miserable face. THere were none.
Baffling !

The unhappy for years thing is exactly what they all say. Mine said "I realised after the wedding I'd made a mistake" in an attempt to martyr himself. His stepmother said to him "really? So you stayed for a whole 14 years and had a baby two years ago, even though it was a mistake"? Of course he had no answers to that. It's all bollocks. He'd just been shagging somebody else and had to find a reason to blame me 🤷🏻‍♀️

Mine said "I realised after the wedding I'd made a mistake" in an attempt to martyr himself

I got 'I only married you because I felt sorry for you and everyone expected me to' - which years later I realised was his pattern. It was all everybody else's fault, the poor man had absolutely no agency in his life. His manager was against him, his mates at work encouraged him to have an affair, everyone was pressuring him to marry me.

The poor dot 🥺

Perhaps he should have taken some agency over his life and ended things when he was truly miserable. There's a balance between working through things and having periods of being unhappy and trapping yourself in a miserable relationship and then being bitter about it.

OP it's been six years, would it help to get some structured support in coming to terms with it and moving forward (for your own sake)?

My exh had what I thought was a brief fling, admitted it, gaslit me into thinking it was my fault, wormed his way back. We stayed together for a few years which with hindsight was a massive mistake.
Then we had some couples counselling and he admitted it had been a year long affair, not a brief one, and he had been in love with her but he had to end it because he didn't want to leave his kids. Which was of course my fault.

And then I had to sit there, getting over the shock of it being a year long affair, and listen to the counselor console HIM because it "must have been very upsetting when it ended". I refused to see that counselor again and it put me off Relate for life. Silly cow, upsetting for him?! What about me and the kids??
Needless to say I knew that day we were over for good.

It's OK to feel angry and betrayed. He did betray you and he stole the future you thought you had and tarnished the memories you had of your marriage.
By all means look into therapy if you think it would help, but not because anyone thinks you should have forgiven and forgotten like a good little woman. He's the one who did wrong, not you because you aren't placid and serene about what he did within an approved time frame.

Thank you for starting this thread @greencandycane - I find it so supportive knowing others (lots!) are out there feeling the same.

I’m new in my grief - partner of 17yrs left 5 months ago - we have 3 young children. I can’t say I was completely blindsided - I knew we weren’t perfect - but with the usual stressors of family life, I certainly didn’t think we were exceptional, or fatally in trouble. I honestly had no idea he was so unhappy he was ready to just walk away. There was no discussion, or any attempts whatsoever at any point to actively try, just “I don’t love you”… “i think we were only together to have children”… (for 17yrs?!) A LOT of rewriting history.

Said there was no one else but hallmark signs were there - constantly on WhatsApp, weight loss, jolly mood, haircuts every few days, breath fresheners!! So who knows what will reveal itself in the fullness of time…

However… I think for me - regardless of what exactly happened - the pain has come from the deep rooted feeling of pure rejection. That for whatever reason I’m no longer good enough / sparkly enough / fun enough / attractive enough etc etc. I feel like I’ve literally been screwed up and thrown in the bin. And when I feel like this I go into the cycle of blaming myself - the could have / should have / would have. So much regret for how I could have done things differently but no chance to try these things and see if things could have been different… I’ll just never know… that I find hard to accept.

but…. I’m determined not to let this ruin my life. I have a life ahead of me still and I’m determined the happy person I once was will one day return.

what have I found helpful?
*journaling (before I would have laughed at the idea!) - best bit writing down what didn’t work in our relationship and rereading it.
*memes - feel good reminders of life and letting go
*hearing other similar stories so not feeling so alone
*friends and family - talking it out!!
*walking whenever I can’t stop thinking
*just doing something different when I can’t stop thinking
*the idea of meeting someone again (even though I know there is no guarantee!)
*botox and a haircut!
*book 1 - Runaway husbands by Vicky stark
*book 2 - how to heal a broken heart by Rosie green

Don’t feel pressurised by time… take as long as you need but don’t let him take anymore from your soul than he already has…

lots of love and luck OP… we are not alone x

Mine said ‘we both wanted it’😲He continued to stand by this for 20 years.

This was very confusing for our ds. Ds is 29 now and thinks his dad is ‘crap’.

Thinking back with hindsight I think what I was really upset by was the loss of a friend. Especially with a long marriage you tend to take for granted that friendship bond along side all the familiar bonds that go with it.

Personally for me it makes no difference whether a married couple stay together after an affair the damage to the friendship has occured and the partnership has forever changed. Op, six years you have been in pain through your loss but if he had stayed would you have felt any different, that disloyalty would have still been there staring you in the face almost defiantly.

It's the loss of trust that affects many betrayed partners, to trust others with our frienship, whether that be sexual or platonic, many tend to hibernate with close circles of children to protect themselves rather than be open to more hurt.

It's understandable our need to self preserve, it's up to you op, what do you want, do you want another close friendship, I know many women don't whatever age. Personally the longer away from it all happening I can look back and see it for what it was, just a connection or friendship that was lost, his meaning of father and husband is inconsequencial, he is becoming irrelavant as a person of interest in my life.
And that's the thing op, this is your life, your journey and now you have the people who remain in it, hopefully good, kinder people, your children, the one's we lose should not be thought of constantly if they did not want to be with you on your journey in life.

You also have no idea how they think, they may miss your friendship one day, I know my h did eventually, many do even when they go but believe me they arn't doing anything special, just living, the day in, day out stuff, trying to remain friends themselves. Pretty boring stuff although they probably try to dress it up a bit, you can build this up and many do to make sense of why they did it but essentially you know him, was he really that interesting ? was his conversation so riveting, did you admire him, his morals, his virtues, his kindness and compassion.

I'm sure there were faults, there always are, but you will pine for him regardless untill one day you will realise you don't actually want him next to you, that his presence along side your day would be uncomfortable.
A stranger who you dislike and whose ideals are dubious, why would you want such a travelling companion.

Has anyone got any advice or experiences to share about how to deal with (former) in laws

Mine are accepting of OW (now girlfriend) and I find this very hard to deal with

They are saying they will support me but blood is thicker than water & their actions show they are actually supporting their son and his new family unit
I know this is to be expected

Sometimes things written on here help me snap out of feeling bad about something

This is a lovely and helpful post @Deerlander - I hope OP finds it helpful - I certainly did! Thank you.

@Whatnext2023 thank you

I think seeing the bigger picture is hard to do for so many, to change the perspective.

When so many years have gone by with the same 'friend' by your side you tend to become blinkered even to your own standards. We forget our own goodness, our qualities, our intellegence and our possitives, however small they are.
I'd like to bet op was more interesting than her h, she had no need to 'prove' herself half way through her life, for validation to the outside world of needing to be seen as 'the winner' by hurting and destroying one life for the need of another.
These people are usually lacking in some emotional sense, although in society they say it's precisely because they are emotional that is why they need to find someone again. I've found most of them to be quite childish, people who repeatedly cannot maintain a close friendship relationship/marriage.

If you were to really think op, what were the things that you found lacking in him, was he selfish, could he empathise, were there things he was not capable of, discussions, intellegence, was he interesting to you ?

I'm sure there are many things which were not perfect about him but we compromise, I bet he didn't, I bet he found you interesting until that shiney new thing came along, the thing is, they get bored easily, boring people, they have to act, they cannot see what others see, they make mistakes and others pay the price.

You should look at yourself and remember all that life experience that made you, your childhood, your interests, your learning, your life. You are no less than him walking through this life, you have hurt no one, you have reason for that alone to be proud of, why compare youself to those with lower standards.

Judge yourself, but not in ways that make you view yourself negatively, hold your head up high, yours has been a kinder life, you made choices that involved giving care and compassion, nothing has changed, respect yourself for the person you are.

There's a whole bigger picture out there, one day you may see it.

I empathise with this. My in laws were like my parents and we were very close. They were disgusted with ex and told him so. They supported me hugely. Then one day, completely out of the blue, they cut me off. Just like that. I had to go through that grief all over again. I wish they'd just done it at the beginning to be honest because it was so deeply painful.

They didn't meet the OW for five years. There is no relationship there. The saddest thing is that my DS had not only lost his Dad, he's lost his grandparents, aunt, uncle and cousins. Their choice 🤷🏻‍♀️.

My advice to you would be to withdraw a bit, it's down to your ex to sort out anything with the children. Ultimately they are going to be loyal to him. Protect yourself.

Exactly this. Ten years on and I’m now v happy with a great guy but the unexpectedness of it shook mine and the kids lives in a way that I don’t think I’ll ever really get over. The aftermath as far as the kids’ mental health was concerned was horrific. Obvs the young woman he couldn’t live without is ancient history and I’ve come off best in all sorts of ways but it does replay in mind mind like some kind of PTSD

@TheFormidableMrsC , my ex left me for the ow when dd1 was 3 months old . His family have had nothing to do with her since she was 5 , she is now 25 ! The grandparents passed away when she was small , but she has aunts , uncles and cousins who have all dropped her .

Sounds perfectly normal to me, I could not get over a partner I had for 3 years that ended in 1995, I still hold pain over it now, though a lot less simply because so much time has gone, I just could Not accept it for years after. You probably just need to do a lot of inner work on it to get to peace with what happened. I understand the need to connect with other people who have this pain that goes on way too long over relationship breakdown / break-up.

Same here after 20 years of marriage. I think it’s other people who make you feel you should be over it. I remember 2 years after it happened hearing he had proposed to OW. I was inconsolable and sobbed to my friends, but they expected me to be over him and couldn’t understand why 2 years later it still hurt. Every little thing you hear after they’ve left about how their life is getting better is like a punch to the gut. I think probably because a tiny bit of you wants them to fail and realise they want you, and to come back. Its a massive betrayal which follows you for the rest of your life. Might get a bit easier Year on year, but never totally leaves you.

Most of these men are not unhappy- they pull that card simply because they have been caught out and I think a great many of them don't want to split but realise they have completely fucked up and it's never going to be ok again.

Ladies thank you for this thread. 33 years of marriage and he's suddenly unhappy and moved into a bedsit! Madness!

I want to take the time to write this out, because I felt the pain in your OP and also the shame you're feeling surrounding it.

I will start by saying I have never been through your specific situation and have no doubt it was worse than any of these, but these reflections and experiences from my own life might help you to put your own feelings into perspective.

My childhood was good in a lot of ways but also emotionally complicated, and I do think our childhoods play into how we learn to cope with rejection and abandonment. I have no doubt my interior belief that I had to be "good enough" to love became part of my story as an adult.

I was with my first love from age 14 to 17 and we were so in love and so happy and it was the first time I ever felt really safe. As I said my childhood was difficult, and he was the first person I think I felt fully loved and accepted by so my attachment to him was absolute - even though it was "young love".

When he headed off to university it just fell apart - partly that was my own fault as I was young and stupid. He dumped me and started dating someone much older than me (and much prettier) and it just broke me completely.

I know people are hit hard by first loves, but this really affected me mentally very deeply and even 30 years I see how much that affected me. I spent quite literally almost twenty years moping in one way or another. He married someone else around 15 years later and my heart broke all over again.

It consumed me, it really did. I didn't make an effort with anyone else, or form attachments at all, and with hindsight I don't think I could have played it any differently because I was just built that way and it's part of who I am.

So I hope that puts into perspective that being sad for six years after what you have been through is nowhere near as "embarrassing" as my own reaction to something comparatively small.

Seventeen years on, my second love was a (I thought) a very nice man who I was nowhere near as in love with. He was absolutely besotted with me, completely enraptured, and I remember being both happy I had found love again but a bit sad that it wasn't the same. He proposed to me, and I said yes, and looking back I was very happy as I thought I had found someone who would always love me.

He left me at the altar. Quite literally. No problems I knew about. No other woman. No explanation beyond a text message saying "I am sorry". He was just gone. Looking back, and this was now 13 years ago, I still do not understand WTF happened or why he did it to me. Had there been another woman it would have at least made sense. He never married, and no explanation was ever given to me.

And again, this rocked me to my core and I spent five years crying and dying inside but the feelings there were different. It wasn't about him per se, as I never loved him wildly like I loved the first - it was more than the life I had planned had vanished, that I was left essentially without a place to live and had to start again when I wasn't all that young anymore. It was excruciatingly publicly embarrassing and that changed me a lot too. I lost all my confidence and just retreated into myself.

Fast forward five years and I met my third love. This time I subconsciously went for someone who was unavailable on some level. On the surface, he was all the things I fancied in a man - clever, kind, funny - but underneath he was not ready for a relationship (he was newly divorced) but I entered into the relationship anyway and to cut a long story very short he ended up having an affair.

I can safely say that the mental pain of infidelity is beyond anything I have ever experienced, and I take my hat off to the posters here who have endured that when married for a long period - it is hell on earth and for certain is trauma. It screwed with my head in ways I can't describe and although we are very happily reconciled (after a great deal of hard work on his part), it will haunt me forever.

So while I haven't experienced your exact situation, I have known what it is like for someone to cheat on you, for someone you deeply love to disappear, for someone to blindside you my ripping your life away from you without your consent or any discussion and these are some of the most horrible experiences that a human can be forced to live with.

They do change you, and I actually don't think that feeling sad about it after six years is at all abnormal - it is a trauma, and a kind of deep grief that is with you for life in a lot of ways.

I think out reaction to break-ups generally is created by two factors: the first is how our own internal systems relate to loss and rejection (and mine were very fucked up) and the second is based on how we perceive the value of what is lost.

I had other small breakups, including one with the Father of my children who I didn't mention in the stories above because - the sad truth is -I did not love him nor rely on him and leaving was my own choice. In my mind, there was no surprise, no rejection, and frankly no loss.

Infidelity is another animal altogether. As is abandonment without discussion. Both these can cause you to get stuck, because there is no solution to the grief in your mind. It just ends up becoming a circle where you are looking for resolution that isn't easy to find.

Talk to other people who have experienced it. Anyone who has would not tell you that six years is a lot.

But in your case I also wonder if you maybe also still hold onto a perceived loss in your mind of a future you expected to have that was taken from you. There might be many elements to that - shared parenting, growing old together, financial support - and losing those things is deeply shattering, especially if you are blindsided.

I hope you are able to find a way to open your eyes to the possibilities of what can still come for you, as I know (and I have never met you) that your life is not tied to a man who did this - there is something else, something much more valuable, waiting to find you. I hope you can open your eyes to see it.

I think once you are happy or satisfied with the life you do have, the one you lost becomes less meaningful. Albeit, the things we truly love and lose are often always with us. He was clearly a twat and behaved appallingly, but there was a time you trusted, loved, and relied on him and it's very hard to reconcile that.

I read once that there was a framework developed by some doctor, which is often used in end-of-life setting but applies powerfully to any situation where a meaningful parting, closure, or release is needed - including relationships, family estrangement, or major transitions.

I used this around two years ago as a process to say finally goodbye to my old loves and embrace my current one, and felt a weight lift off me. The four things you must say to your ex H and ex marriage and ex life are these...

Thank you
(For what you gave, taught, or brought into my life)

I love you
(Or: I care about you / you matter to me - whatever fits honestly)

I’m sorry
(For anything unresolved, or hurt I caused - even unintentionally)

I forgive you
(For the things that hurt me, even if they were never acknowledged)

I think there's a process there where essentially you say goodbye to a life you believed was yours, and that you once loved, but does not belong to you anymore and from there you can begin the one you were meant to live.

I am now living the one I meant to live, and whilst I carry the scars and some residual pain from the infidelity, I would not change anything from the past that brought me here because my DP is now exactly the person I was meant to be with and whatever happens, happens.

I really wish the best for you, and sorry for the essay!