After all these years, I cannot get over the fact that he ended our marriage.

[greencandycane]

I've NC. I'm embarrassed to admit (I would never admit to friends and family) that I still cannot get over (6 years on) the fact that my husband suddenly,out of the blue, decided he wasn't happy in our 20 marriage, had and affair, and within a few days, was gone.
He never once expressed that he was unhappy.
I wake up every day just praying I won't think about him and his new life. Of course, I do.

Is anyone else in a similar situation whereby they are still crushed/confused/heart broken by the end of their relationship?

You've been given some very good advice and support here OP and I can't add anything more than what's given and I hope you're ok, but there may be a different view worth sharing (I'm not saying this is true for your situation)

The reason I say this was that I ended my marriage of 16 years and my (then) wife was apparently blindsided by it. The fact is we'd argued like cat and dog for a long while and our relationship was very unhappy, to the point when I told my then 13 and 10 year olds, they openly said they weren't surprised and had wondered why we were still together because of how we were. However, despite the clear failing of our marriage, the ex was shocked and couldn't fathom it at all at the time.

I'm not saying this is your situation, but it highlighted to me how we can often see things that don't reflect reality and can convince ourselves things are ok when they're not. We've both moved on now and it's all amicable several years later.

I expect she was blind sided because people argue. Especially people in long relationships who are dealing with work, children. money, parents, stress whatever.

It doesn't mean they realise that the other person may just get up and suddenly walk away one day, people have different ideas on loyalty, commitment and working at things.

But maybe she thought the arguments were temporary, or would resolve with time.

Just because people argue it doesn’t mean a relationship ends. People have different levels of commitment to sorting things out.

I have friends going through a divorce like Jimboscott0115 (except wife is ending it)… husband is the blindsided one, as he was miserable for longer but thought they were both committing to it :( he had more miserable years and was blindsided by her ending it (she was miserable for three years). He feels betrayed and cheated for pushing through more unhappy years… we are trying to tell him don’t throw good money after bad!

19 years ago for me.
If I think about it when I'm not in a good place, I get that very raw sudden feeling of loss and hurt.

I've been on my own since with the children.

I don't disagree to a point but after at least 5 years and multiple grown up attempts to resolve our issues, it was only getting worse and when the kids recognise it and it'll ultimately be damaging them, it's time to make a call.

My point was rather that everyone has a different perspective of things and that there is rarely one truth or narrative as to what is happening in a relationship.

The "out of the blue announcement " seemed like that from your side ( also my side so I know what you went through). However , from his side it wasn't out of the blue . Your description says my husband suddenly,out of the blue, decided he wasn't happy in our 20 marriage, had and affair, and within a few days, was gone . But I can guarantee that in reality it actually went had an affair, then decided he wasn't happy, and was gone.

Once you realise what he was really doing, it becomes much easier to accept what happened. You can stop thinking " together for all those years ! Then he suddenly didn't want to be with me ! ", and start thinking that since he'd already checked out due to his affair, he needed to close off the marriage.
I found that this helped me heaps, to accept my new life and to get on with it. Good luck.

Good advice @ShippingNews but how shocking when they check out of a marriage but give no signs to their spouse until the D-day when they suddenly say they want a divorce.

I'm so sorry to hear this x

Sorry to use your thread for this OP, but to PP who have also been through this:

Have any of you not done so much as kissed, or even had a 'flirty' conversation with another man, since?

I've lost all interest and couldn't care less about finding love again. I'd found the one I wanted to spend my life with and feel as though nobody else would fit like he did, the exact reason why I married him in fact!

I can't imagine ever getting undressed in front of anybody else, it actually scares me.

I feel like I've been broken 😔

This.

When I catch myself thinking unwanted things that make me anxious or titchy I imagine blowing up a balloon with the thoughts, and letting it go.

Literally, Elsa with an imaginary balloon.

It's very effective.

I also use a dr Seuss chats get with a baseball bat to whack unwanted thoughts away. This also works. (From I had trouble getting to Solla Sollou)

I have recently been getting rid of unwanted thoughts by going on dating apps

(Bumble has incognito mode where no one can see you if you prefer)

littlecrackers I understand
i felt the same but taking this step has really helped me
just exchanged a few messages that’s all but it’s helped

I spent years after splitting with my child's father doing the same. Focusing on his life, all the things they were doing and the what he had done. How my life had been blown apart.

I did therapy and one day my therapist said I had a choice to hold on to it or let it go. So I decided that day I was done. That it couldn't be changed and it didn't matter if I couldn't get my head around it or why he did it. I was sick to death of carrying it with me. So I did the breaking thought patterns. Every time it came into my head I would visualise picking the thought up putting it in a box and closing the lid.

In terms of new relationships I also decided I didn't want to be single forever because of decisions he made. I fully focused on my life. I stopped obsessing about theirs.

I met my husband about a year later and now I rarely think about.
That whole shit show took so much from I just got tired of giving any more of myself and my life to it.

I have. I had a long term FWB but it was very much compartmentalised from the rest of my life. It was as much as I could cope with as far as relationships are concerned. I always went to his and while we had a lovely time, when I left, that was it until the next time. It worked out well for me for a long time. I did meet and fall for somebody who, it turned out, entirely misrepresented his circumstances. He was married it transpired. I immediately knocked that on the head and thought fuck all of it. I don't feel I can trust anybody again so I don't bother now. I'm at peace with it.

I am starting to feel pretty much the same, gave online dating a try and I don’t care what anyone says it’s absolutely horrendous. I met the man from hell got rid after a couple of months but never again.

I have my daughter, friends, family and I will stick with that unless someone with zero red flags comes along. Not willing to put myself through anymore crap.

Why is it when a woman starts a thread about their feelings of boredom, ennui or malaise in a "so-so" marriage that's not bad but just plodding along, asking "should I leave OK marriage" the overwhelming advice is "yes, life's too short to be unhappy", "you only live once", "you're entitled end a relationship for whatever reason you want", "your kids will understand", without a moment's thought for the devastation it would cause her family.

Man leaves marriage for similar reasons: "what a bastard", "coward", "what kind of man does that to his wife and kids?"! 😂

Why is it OK for women to leave but not men?! They're either both wrong or they're not! Double standards on steroids!

@TrishM80

Are you reading the same thread??? I have no idea what your response is a reference to, but maybe I haven't been following closely enough.

The difference is most women will have already discussed this with their other half and tried to make things work. So many of these men just find someone else and leave

I think women tend to make an effort to end things in a decent fashion or bumble along being unhappy. I would never support somebody staying in a marriage they're unhappy in, male or female.

However, you don't do what my ex-h did, which was have sex with me, discuss next year's holiday and the possibility of extending the house and then the very next day just say "I'm leaving you" in front of our 2 year old only to never return. To then find he's moved in with somebody whose husband has just been killed, making it very clear this affair was going on for a very long time. To then go on, along with OW, and make our lives a misery for years. Only to then abandon son and move 700 miles away. No, you don't do shit like that.

Mine even had the nerve to ask if he could come back after the divorce came through. He realised he'd be renting for life and would have to keep a job down. I said no, we celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary - what's our 21st? Is it 21 or 1 if we got married again. I didn't love him anymore after the hell he put me through.
He was shocked I didn't jump up and down like a little dog thrilled that he wanted to come back.
I'm half Italian, I hold life long grudges. He's never coming back. I'll never speak to him again.

Or as I said to my sister rather dramatically, "He is dead to me".

Good for you! I wish I had been as strong!

I was blindsided because we never argued. I was blindsided because I had no idea that my husband was unhappy. It seems that the unhappiness only appeared when he met somebody. Once he started to talk to them, all of a sudden he was unhappy, had been for months, all The Script was there. Maybe he truly had been unhappy, but he had given a very good impression of being happy until he spent time with that person.

He announced one evening that he didn't feel the same and didn't want to be here any more. That is blindsiding. It was such a shock to me that I threw up.

I begged him to stay for the sake of our 4yo child that I thought he adored. He refused to get counselling. He turned into somebody who I did not know which was heartbreaking. I would have done anything to save our marriage because I loved him so much and to keep our family together for our child.

My story is told over and over by others who have had the same happen to them.

So we aren't talking about unhappy marriages that plod on through arguments, we are talking about women (sometimes men) who are just suddenly left out of the blue and we 100% did not see it coming.

I wish that I had been stronger at the time but I wasn't. I had to turn a part time business into a full time job and rely on friends and family so that I could work long hours to earn enough to pay the mortgage. I was put on anti depressants and had years of counselling.

As I said in my other post, it changed who I am forever and I can see that others on here feel the same.

I did go out with somebody for a few months, about 2 years after the split, but it was just friendship more than anything, and after he disappeared with no warning, upsetting my daughter again, I made the decision to put her first and remain single as I did not want a series of men coming in and out of her life. Plus as others have said, I don't know how I will ever trust anyone ever again.

The mistake people make is expecting relationships to last forever. Relationships can come to be natural ending for whatever reason, doesn't mean the relationship was a mistake, just time to move on. You have to get rid of the blue print in your head of how you think your life should be.
My husband died young leaving me totally on my own, finances in a mess, (he worked for himself) with two young sons. It was the last situation l ever thought I would find myself in, but lesson learnt, people don't just die when they're old.
I say Thank you for being part of my life, and have moved on gracefully. My life is valuable, l refuse to waste it feeling bitter or angry, that's only hurting me and serving no purpose.