After all these years, I cannot get over the fact that he ended our marriage.

[greencandycane]

I've NC. I'm embarrassed to admit (I would never admit to friends and family) that I still cannot get over (6 years on) the fact that my husband suddenly,out of the blue, decided he wasn't happy in our 20 marriage, had and affair, and within a few days, was gone.
He never once expressed that he was unhappy.
I wake up every day just praying I won't think about him and his new life. Of course, I do.

Is anyone else in a similar situation whereby they are still crushed/confused/heart broken by the end of their relationship?

You have to repeat that we never truly know another person, only what they choose to show us and what we then imagine from that. The person you loved was only part of who he was plus your projection. Grieve for that person, but dont believe he is out there having a new life.

Oh op and others I imagine the utter shock snd sudden change of your works overnight is akin to ptsd. My sisters dh left her 15 years ago for a OW. We were all totally shocked snd she definatly didn't see it coming. He seemed to adore her. Some things are just beyond understanding snd you never will. I guess that's the frustration the but why????

I think the reason you have not let this go is you have not let this out - speak to a trusted friend you need to process your emotions and move on. Its likely you are still in shock since it was out of the blue.

I absolutely understand how you feel Op. When my exhusband left 26 years ago I thought I would die of the pain. But I didn't and I now years later I have the most wonderful life. My mum bought me a couple of books about surviving divorce( no Internet then). One of things I remember from the books was that there are 2 types of grief and they are different but equally painful. Death causes grief for the loss of someone who is no longer alive. Divorce causes grief for the loss of someone who is still alive but is lost to you. They have different causes but they hurt just as much as each other. I found it helpful to get a piece of paper and split it into 2 columns. One was titled positives, the other negatives. Initially I could only see what I had lost and the negative column was full. Now there are no negatives. As I often say to people "If I had known the life that was coming once he'd gone I would have helped him pack'.

Yes. It happened to me, and I have a therapist who said “you’re actually right on track.” My relationship wasn’t as long as yours, and now, 4 years after he pulled his crap, I am beginning to feel peace and healing.

i don’t know if this will help you, but it helped me: my therapist said that it is a formula they’ve come up with among grief counselors that it takes about Half the length of time you were together, to begin to feel distanced from it and heal.

so no beating yourself up, okay? And I know grief sucks, but you can take breaks from it and find things that help you focus on your new life. Another thing I was taught that doing new, exciting things (like going to learn ballroom dance. Or taking a boxing class. Or anything new! Painting!) can give our bodies those hormones that lift us up, and can help us gain connection to new life without that person.

if you’re ruminating about what he did (as, who wouldn’t be?!) a therapist can help a lot with that.
going on a strict diet of not looking at his social media helps, too. It was VERY hard for me at first, and I slipped up a few times, as my ex had immediately married into a flashy new lifestyle, and it was difficult to not get into grim looking at his photos, but I was torturing myself.

now, a few years on, his quick marriage has crashed and burned spectacularly- and oddly enough, when karma* finally came back around, I find that I don’t care, other than feeling sorry for the woman he married.

• my definition of karma: that we live out the energy we live in. It’s just physics, to me - we attract what we resonate. I don’t see karma as my own personal revenge hit-man (oh, I have wished it to be!) but that he lived his life in dishonesty, manipulation, and just constant bad energy, so that is what eventually showed up in his life. In truly spectacular fashion, really.

I think what is particularly hard in these situations is that the suddenness leaves you with no explanation or narrative to process.

And then the narratives you are offered make no sense in relation to your actual experience.

We understand our experiences as narratives or stories which encompass our understanding of what we experience.

This isn't just about getting over the pain, this is about not having been able to process what happened into any kind of narrative that makes sense to you.

Without this you will keep just returning to what happened, going over it, ruminating on it, basically trying to make sense and not moving forward.

You need to process what happened. Make your sense of it.

Talk in depth to friends and family if you can. To people who know you and love you, to people who knew him and you together. You don't just need 'yeh he's just a bastard' type listening, you need people who you trust who can say: 'I wonder if he found x particularly difficult?' or 'maybe his pattern was there from the beginning and you've forgotten.' or whatever.

They can't give you your narrative but they can help you think it through and begin to make sense of your story and what happened to you and what that means to the person you are now.

Therapy can support in this too take some time to find a therapist who you feel a rapport with, and work this through.

Are you still living in the family home?

I think it’s very difficult to move on when you are constantly reminded everyday.

I once read it takes a third of the length of a long term relationship to heal from its ending. It's a long road to grieving. I'm sorry this happened to you.

Took me around 5 years to get over my child’s father. I was desperate to get over it. Now 7 years on I can speak to him like an old friend I feel absolutely nothing in that respect. Maybe try therapy.

Please don't feel like you're weird. It happened to me 10 years ago. I've never really come to terms with it. I understand that he was no loss and the treatment of us by him and OW told me everything about what a piece of shit he was and how I never really knew him.

However it is a bereavement, a bereavement without a body or a funeral and then the process of grief. I had counselling which helped a lot but I am scarred and I don't think that will ever go away. I've never been able to have another relationship because my ability to trust has gone. It's not worth it in my view. I hope you find a way forward but know you're not alone

Absolutely this!

Yes. Three years in February and whilst I'm long past the snot crying phase I will never fully get over it. I've just tried to accept some memories will always hurt x

I really empathise with this. I'm happy, I have a happy and settled and full life but the soft bits underneath will always be sore I think.

@greencandycane My ex left years ago- Said there was no one else, but of course there was.
It is very stressful.
I have never trusted again, after another partner, much later, was unfaithful-
I just don’t think many men can be trusted.

Ex now on third marriage.

Not putting myself in that situation again, ever.
Best wishes- You are probably mourning the person you thought was good.
But he was a cheating weasel.

Hold that thought.

Agreed re not wanting another relationship-
Not willing to take that risk.
Not worth it.
Even the apparently “Lovely “ men can cheat.
( As can some women).
I personally don’t think it’s worth the anguish to get into another relationship.

And the rest 🙈

But I am scarred and I don't think that will ever go away

l had EDMR once ( not for this) and they take you back to the most traumatic time of your life. Guess where l got stuck?

l was scarred for life too. I didn’t realise how traumatic it was until this.

But hug OP. 20 years is a significant part of your life. X

Why be embarrassed to admit? Surely losing a loved one (even if they are still alive) isn't something you get over, it's just something you learn to live with. It's fine to feel sorrow and be melancholic and grieve your previous life with him, but you also can make room for more new happy memories and experiences at the same time. Don't wait to "get over" him to start living your life.

Six years since my ex admitted his affair and left. Most of my life is happier and better but there's a bit of me that will always be scarred. I've not had another relationship since and can't imagine trusting someone again. I'm concentrating on friends now.

He left five years ago, I was pregnant with our second
he left for OW, they have got their own family on the way now

I am not over it
Counselling helps a lot - could try online at BetterHelp if that’s easier

your feelings are normal
so many of us have been through it and don’t feel over it

It's a relief to see all these posts, because people rarely acknowledge the long term effects of breakup, compared to say bereavement. It's making me feel less of a weirdo for still struggling with my own complicated breakup.

I relate to the posts that said it feels like violence. Like running headlong into a brick wall. Or something important being cut away.

My god, all of these stories. Why are so many men inadequate??!

They rob you of the future and rest of your life that you assumed was planned out and then you grieve that. Such destruction and pain. Where is their moral compass?

I've been single for a long time now and would never bother looking for a partner again. I'm happy with my friends, family and dog thank you! At least we don't need to be nursemaid in our later years!

Those are all forms of trauma
as is this
betrayal trauma

I can really relate to feeling embarrassed about it as you want to present as strong.

I was blindsided too and it hurt for years and took years to process. But once I was ready, it took one single counselling session with a therapist I'd seen two years earlier to unlock my acceptance and even forgiveness. Not for him, for me. For me to live my life without anger and hurt.

What he deserves is unimportant. If took me a while to see that. It's my life and my feelings that matter, to me.

Please believe you won't always feel like this and you'll get there. Believe you'll get better. It takes time but you will. Hang on in there.